Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#3008427 06/11/19 10:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
Hi there, I am really really new to this thread, but have ready many of yours on here and greatly appreciate all the wisdom / advice! My wife and I have been married for 13 years, (Unlucky 13). I found out on Valentines day Yes Valentines that she was having a work affair. I found a very detailed (feeling) Valentines card in her purse. I always had a gut feeling something was happening, but my wife, my lover, my friend would NEVER do that to me as she was so against cheating and affairs. My valentines card was not detailed as much as his was, and still to this day that is what bothers me! I can literally recite it word for word what she wrote in that card to him. She choose not to give it to him for some reason, with allowed me to find it.
That evening of course very sad/ mad/ upset/emotional / we had a all night discussion on what happened and what didn't happen and still continues to this day 4 months later. I did call the "OM" and had very strong words expressed to him... and i was very strict in saying he needs to tell his wife... he need to let her know, and he promised me that he would. (DO i believe him) There was no sex during this affair, the furthest it got was a Make out Session and some touching, but it was more emotional that it was physical. They learnt how to be sneaky about things after work hours by texting, and then at work they would often get together and complain about what they have and don't have. They started to use the "L" word towards the end and he convinced her it was the right thing to say. She even called him my Nickname "BABE" and that really bothers me.
The one thing that i am having a very very difficult time with is that he was 50 years old / i am 38 and she is 34! I feel very self conscious of myself now, thinking what she could see in a guy that was 50 years old when she is only 34...
I also find it hard to believe from her that the words written in the "CARD" where just words as she explains them to me. she said they weren't feelings they where just words...
My other question is.... do i send his Wife a quick message saying... Hey i am curious if your husband told you that he was having an affair with my wife?
To me i need to put it to rest, for all the hell that we have gone through and all the sleepless nights, i feel so strong that she to needs to understand that her husband has done this 3 times in the past (he told me) and then did it again (This time)
I just feel that he would not tell her like he said he would, and in order for me to put it to rest i feel she needs to know, but is that the right thing to do. And by me saying put it to rest i don't think I ever will.
The positive thing is our Relationship has never been stronger / open / as it is today. Our sex Life is unbeilievalbe and daily as we need each other and want each other like no other! But there are times when i will not want it or not even want to kiss her cause i can just see him and her and i am not there at that moment!
I hope that you guys can give me some advice or guidance as i really need it right now!

JWx4 #3008428 06/11/19 11:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
Also wanted to mention that she has recently left her Place of Work to avoid any contact with this guy and it also allows me to relax and feel more comfortable this way.

JWx4 #3008430 06/11/19 05:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi Jay, welcome to Marriage Builders! To answer your question about telling the wife, I wouldn't depend on him telling her the truth. If he did tell her anything it was probably that some "Sally's husband is a jealous lunatic who beats her up and he has accused me of chasing his wife. He is crazy so I hung up on him." Cheaters will spin the story if they have an inkling you might tell their spouses. Or he didn't tell her anything. In your case, I would strongly suggest you just call her - WITHOUT WARNING - and tell her everything you know. You can tell her that your wife admitted everything.

On antoehr note, most marriages do not recover from infidelity unless they take certain recovery steps. They limp along in a crippled state and grow worse over the years. Resentment grows and the marriage often experiences subsequent affairs because the reasons that CAUSED the affair were never addressed and resolved. That doesn't have to happen to you if you will follow the steps outlined in Surviving an Affair. Those steps are outlined in this article:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3008431 06/11/19 05:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
Thank you Melody.. I do agree she needs to know! I have felt that for such long time now, i am just worried about the Consequences of me letting the other Wife know that her husband has been unfaithful to her. I wanted to reveal it to her in the worst way, cause her Social Media shows that they have a wonderful life together as we are struggling and working hard to make our marriage work! I thank you for your advice!

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
How do i send my address Privately so i can get a copy of the book?

JWx4 #3008435 06/12/19 09:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
Thank you Melody.. I do agree she needs to know! I have felt that for such long time now, i am just worried about the Consequences of me letting the other Wife know that her husband has been unfaithful to her. I wanted to reveal it to her in the worst way, cause her Social Media shows that they have a wonderful life together as we are struggling and working hard to make our marriage work! I thank you for your advice!


Just give her the facts. She decides how she exposes on her side. She will be devastated, no need to cause her more pain than her husband already has brought upon her.

It is probably best you first expose on your side and contact OM wife right after. If you contact her before you expose, OM will have a chance to spin the narrative.

And let me tell you, nobody has the life they post on Facebook. She knows something is wrong, just not exactly what and how bad it is. Don't take revenge on her, inform her.

JWx4 #3008436 06/12/19 09:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Missed the part that you already confronted him, so the part that you need to expose first is is not for your situation. Just give her the facts.

JWx4 #3008442 06/12/19 02:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
Thank you Melody.. I do agree she needs to know! I have felt that for such long time now, i am just worried about the Consequences of me letting the other Wife know that her husband has been unfaithful to her. I wanted to reveal it to her in the worst way, cause her Social Media shows that they have a wonderful life together as we are struggling and working hard to make our marriage work! I thank you for your advice!




The consequences will be that she will be upset. But it is the right thing to do. I would suggest giving her your contact information in case she has follow up questions.

You can buy the book on amazon or on this site in the bookstore. Amazon or here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
WOW thank you everyone i have been tossing the ideas around of not doing it, to hide the facts as i don't want everyone wanting to know my wife did this... I guess i am protecting her! However i don't want him getting away with this either.

Thanks so much once again for your help and support!

JWx4 #3008444 06/12/19 04:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Welcome to MB Jay.

One of the things that I am concerned about reading your first post is that you do not have all of the information. It is very uncommon for a WS who is busted to then ‘spill the beans’ and be 100% truthful. In fact in almost 10 years here I don’t know that I’ve ever seen that happen. Instead, you will get a trickle truth, meaning, you will get a few truths mixed with some lies here and there but never the complete story. It is very common for a WS to say it is just an EA and not a PA, or downplay the affair. In your situation, they were saying “I love you” and calling each other babe. To me, this is a higher level of intimacy than most EA’s. It can happen, but if they had the opportunity for a physical affair and it sounds like they did, I would bet there is more to this story. It just really sounds like you are being trickle truthed and do not have all of the info.

I would hate to see you put a lot of effort into recovery and then have more information come out that sets you back to Day 1.

Last edited by unwritten; 06/12/19 04:20 PM.
JWx4 #3008448 06/14/19 12:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
Well I told her! And not to my surprise she had no clue about what was going on! She had many questions and well she was in shock of course! So needless to say those two won’t be having a good weekend! She said she couldn’t even imagine her husband having an affair with a 16 year younger girl! Well I said I couldn’t imagine my wife having an affair with a 16 year older man! That’s why my self esteem is so low right now! Anyway I wanted to thank all of your for your advice and guidance as I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Hope for a positive future with a few bumps on the road but for now I feel good! I will always keep coming to check this thread and forum as I appreciate the advice! Wanted to update everyone

JWx4 #3008449 06/14/19 02:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
Well I told her! And not to my surprise she had no clue about what was going on! She had many questions and well she was in shock of course! So needless to say those two won’t be having a good weekend! She said she couldn’t even imagine her husband having an affair with a 16 year younger girl! Well I said I couldn’t imagine my wife having an affair with a 16 year older man! That’s why my self esteem is so low right now! Anyway I wanted to thank all of your for your advice and guidance as I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Hope for a positive future with a few bumps on the road but for now I feel good! I will always keep coming to check this thread and forum as I appreciate the advice! Wanted to update everyone


Good job on exposing to the OM's BW. Didn't your WW try and tell you that his BW already knew?

Have you exposed to your children? Anyone else?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



JWx4 #3008451 06/14/19 04:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
Well I told her! And not to my surprise she had no clue about what was going on! She had many questions and well she was in shock of course! So needless to say those two won’t be having a good weekend! She said she couldn’t even imagine her husband having an affair with a 16 year younger girl! Well I said I couldn’t imagine my wife having an affair with a 16 year older man! That’s why my self esteem is so low right now! Anyway I wanted to thank all of your for your advice and guidance as I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Hope for a positive future with a few bumps on the road but for now I feel good! I will always keep coming to check this thread and forum as I appreciate the advice! Wanted to update everyone


Good job, Jay! Please follow through on this program, though, or all your pain and efforts will be for naught. You can have a great, affair proofed marriage if you follow these steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by unwritten
Welcome to MB Jay.

One of the things that I am concerned about reading your first post is that you do not have all of the information. It is very uncommon for a WS who is busted to then ‘spill the beans’ and be 100% truthful. In fact in almost 10 years here I don’t know that I’ve ever seen that happen. Instead, you will get a trickle truth, meaning, you will get a few truths mixed with some lies here and there but never the complete story. It is very common for a WS to say it is just an EA and not a PA, or downplay the affair. In your situation, they were saying “I love you” and calling each other babe. To me, this is a higher level of intimacy than most EA’s. It can happen, but if they had the opportunity for a physical affair and it sounds like they did, I would bet there is more to this story. It just really sounds like you are being trickle truthed and do not have all of the info.

I would hate to see you put a lot of effort into recovery and then have more information come out that sets you back to Day 1.


This happened to me. Be careful and aware. It is natural to be protecting and forgiving without knowing all the details of the affair when you are renewing your romance with your spouse who has strayed.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



JWx4 #3008468 06/18/19 08:09 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
I have now since found out that this has been going on since 2016. In 2016 there was a lot of physical actions taken. The had sex 3 times at work (hospital) in different areas, Bathroom, classroom, truck in parking lot. SHe said that the first 2 times where forced and not what she wanted, but she persisted to tell him positive things about it. She mentioned to me today that she was afraid of him cause he was 16 years older than him and felt vulnerable and trapped and didn't know how to get out or what to say to get out. Everytime that she went to get out he convinced her back in and made out with her or had sex. This all came to when I found messages on her old phone. Telling him how often we had sex and how she didn't really enjoy it anymore, telling him that one day someday they can spend there times together. She said he listened to her and she said that is what she needed at the time. My wife has never been a physical person and she has always been a quiet girl, but this guy seemed to of broughten the worse out of her. This continued for approx. 1 year, when she ended it cause it was wrong. THey continued to work together and talk and communicate but very little texting / phone calls. Oh might I mention nude photos where shared during the physical affair.
One year later in 2018 they decided after her and I had an disagreement to get back together emotionally. This time it was emotions it was not sex from what I was told, this time it was only making out 5 times and not sex. It was all emotional. She only had him to turn to she said.
Then she was caught and has had absolutely no communication with him since. I spoke to the OW last night and told her to ask her husband about 2016, as his story to her was they just talked in 2018, and she told me to just come out and tell her everything instead of playing games. I will tell you I want to tell her everything but I found out the hard way and I feel he should be telling her everything.
We are going to counselling again today, as we need some advice! we need some guidance..
I am not sure I can carry on this way, knowing that someone else has had sex with her, knowing that her lips where on his $*&%#. Knowing the words that she shared with him. I Love this girl so much and with our children so precious I don't want this to end, but how does two people carry on knowing that roughly 13 years of our marriage 3 of them she was having an affair. Sexually and emotionally. Not just one but 2 affairs I feel.
She also tells me that he sexually abused her forcing her into these rooms / forcing her down on his $(%#, bending her over and ripping off her pants.... But yet her text messages tell him she enjoyed it and wanted it, and couldn't wait for it to hap[pen again, but yet he was so forceful to her. Do we pursue that further. She is now basically jobless because of this, it has costed us to much because of this, and now what! She was physically and emotionally abused and now we pay for it! Please Please Please Help!!!

JWx4 #3008476 06/18/19 03:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00

Then she was caught and has had absolutely no communication with him since. I spoke to the OW last night and told her to ask her husband about 2016, as his story to her was they just talked in 2018, and she told me to just come out and tell her everything instead of playing games. I will tell you I want to tell her everything but I found out the hard way and I feel he should be telling her everything.We are going to counselling again today, as we need some advice! we need some guidance..


No, Jay, YOU should be telling her everything. Don't play mean head games with this woman about her life. SOMEONE needs to tell her the truth. Don't rely on her husband, the liar to tell her the truth. Call her and give her everything you have. This is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders would tell you. If a "counselor" tells you otherwise, that is bad advice.

Quote
Sexually and emotionally. Not just one but 2 affairs I feel.
She also tells me that he sexually abused her forcing her into these rooms / forcing her down on his $(%#, bending her over and ripping off her pants.... But yet her text messages tell him she enjoyed it and wanted it, and couldn't wait for it to hap[pen again, but yet he was so forceful to her. Do we pursue that further. She is now basically jobless because of this, it has costed us to much because of this, and now what! She was physically and emotionally abused and now we pay for it! Please Please Please Help!!!



First off, she had one sexual affair. There were not 2 affairs and she very likely had sex the entire time. I am sorry to tell you that.

The GOOD NEWS is that you can recover if you will follow this plan. There will be a time where you won't feel this pain. If you can follow this plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3008498 06/19/19 05:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
J
JWx4 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 11
Melody WOW!!! YOu where a 100% right. I spoke with her about the full 3 years and it never did end. It started right after one of our vacations together, and never ended. It started quickly sexual and ended emotionally and sexual. This all happened at the workplace (she quit) and nothing happened anywhere else but!! I do know that there has been a lot of lies told in 3 years, and I do know that I am an emotional wreck right now, and don't know what to do with myself, and she as well is an emotional wreck! I gave her the opportunity last night to come completely clean and tell me everything or this won't work, cause if I find out more then it will just put us back to day 1. Now that being said.... She wrote and wrote and wrote letters all day explain what happened. In detail and well it sucks frown From sharing naked photos, to work out photos, to having sex 16-20 times in 3 years at work, to making out numerous of times, to oral sex, so the whole thing. My wife was such a quiet girl and never ever would I imagine this happening. I still love her with all my heart and I can imagine a day without her, but she did this and now when I look at her I am disgusted, I am torn, I am well thinking of him! How does someone over come that, and how does someone move forward knowing what I know now!

JWx4 #3008499 06/19/19 06:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
She also tells me that he sexually abused her forcing her into these rooms / forcing her down on his $(%#, bending her over and ripping off her pants.... But yet her text messages tell him she enjoyed it and wanted it, and couldn't wait for it to hap[pen again, but yet he was so forceful to her. Do we pursue that further.



Is she still saying she was forced to do things sexually against her will? Or was that part of her trickle truth and she is finally being honest now?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you exposed to your children? Anyone else?


I might have missed it, but didn't see an answer to this.


You must finish exposure - children, parents and anyone else who supports your marriage. Do not warn your W you will be doing this and it is NOT done with her.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 11 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,562
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5