My husband has a 45 year old daughter that came back into his life after being adopted by his ex wife’s husband. We have been married for 33 years. She is all he thinks about. My friends say he has guilt about the adoption and is trying to prove his love for her. He treats me as if I do not exist. He calls her “ Daddy’s little girl” although he has only reconnected with her in her 40’s. We have two daughters as well and he doesn’t use those endearing words on them. They text and call each other. She was married for the fourth time and I was not invited although he was to give away the bride. No one from our union was invited.

I feel as if our family has been replaced by this new reunion.

Hello Nest, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would ask the moderators to move this to Marriage Builders 101 since it is a matter of the policy of joint agreement. This rule means to never be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness or do anything without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement. The decisions he is making now are causing great damage to your marriage and will cause enormous resentment. Have you spoken to him about your unhappiness?

I would start here: HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN PLAN TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS AND RESTORE LOVE and suggest that you email DrHarley at his radio show and ask for his guidance. [it is free] He may be able to get through to your husband.

here

How did your relationship start? Was he married when you met? How did his last marriage end?

We met 10 years after the divorce of his first marriage. We dated two years before getting married. His first contact with his daughter was when she was in her 30’s and she’d already been married a couple times with a daughter from the first marriage that my husband had never seen. His first marriage ended when his wife fell in love with the man next door. My husband was angry and very upset but because of the blow came to Christ. The new husband and his ex wife wanted to raise the daughter as their own and did not want shared custody. My husband consented. He went back to school and we met ten years later.

I have spoken to him at length and I feel tremendous resentment about being left out. I actually wrote a letter to his daughter and congratulated her but told her that while I did not understand blended families and had only been married to one man, I thought that the marriage celebration should not exclude wives of 32 years of commitment. My husband was very mad about the letter which I did read to him before I sent it. He originally said he was not going but then left at 3 am in the morning without telling me and traveled three days by car to give her away at her wedding. He later that summer took her to a family reunion and left me home.

I don't blame you for being upset at all. Please send an email to Dr Harley at the above email. I think he could be instrumental in getting through to your husband.

Does your husband typically engage in independent behavior like he has in this situation?

Yes, he usually makes decisions and acts upon them without consulting me. He has the view that his Godly position is decision making.

I would like to email Dr Harley. What email should I uses?

Email him at this email address and include your phone # so they [Dr Harley and Joyce] can call and ask you questions. mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

And be sure and tell them this: "Yes, he usually makes decisions and acts upon them without consulting me. He has the view that his Godly position is decision making."

Independent behavior was a huge problem for me too at one time but I changed my behavior. Dr Harley addresses it here: LOVE BUSTERS - INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR

I have read Dr. Harley’s books and now realize that my husband’s independent behavior is not Godly leadership but a behavior that works against a loving trust. Of course I am not without blame and personally have engaged in disrespectful judgements but it is a cyclic thing that has to be corrected before we become so incompatible that we can no longer care compassionately for each other.

I very much agree with this. I think your biggest issue will be persuading your husband to use the policy of joint agreement and stop his lovebuster of independent behavior. If Dr Harley can do that, we can help you and your husband learn how to use the policy of joint agreement to come to mutually enthusiastic decisions. Dr. Harley is very persuasive!

Can we actually talk to Dr. Harley? I believe if my husband heard from another man he respected ( I have shared Dr. Harley’s videos and we have actually read some paragraphs out loud together.) Personally, I feel men can be addicted to independent behavior. If you feel, as a man, you have the authority to make decisions for the family then you get use to it and getting joint agreement is emasculating (they think). His mother and father fought like cats and dogs for their 50 year marriage because his father would make poor financial decisions that cause bankruptcy twice. His father never though that a “ woman” should be consulted. If he had consulted with his wife even if the venture failed she would have felt it was their decision not just being a victim of his decisions. I told my husband I have two college degrees and have run a personal business and as a medical professional have responsibilities for people’s lives, why would he not take advantage of my unique set of skills?

Yes, that is why I suggested you include your phone #. Usually Joyce will call you first and then you can explain this to her. I agree that Dr Harley could likely get through to your husband. But you need to email them on your own first and go over the situation and see if Dr Harley would speak to your husband. I wouldn't even bring it up to your husband at this point.