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Max__ Offline OP
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Hi,

My wife decided she wanted to leave me a month a so ago. We have been married for 23 years and have two kids, 13 and 16. I recently studied the phone bill and noticed that she has been texting one coworker an average of one hundred times a day for the last two months. I confronted her, she said it was just work stuff and meaningless banter. I checked the phone log online that night and noticed that she had left the house to call that same person. That person is also her subordinate at work. This freaked me out. I knew that this guy's wife worked at a bank; so I called the bank and asked if I could get her number. I was upset and not thinking clearly. They took my name and number from caller id and left a message. This woman knows who I am (she never called me back, I don't think she cares much about this guy from what my wife has said in the past). So, my wife found and was pissed! She just changed cell service to a different plan today.

I love this woman with all my heart but she does not love me anymore. She is being mean and insensitive. I know I have lost her; but its hard for me to let this go. We are still living together because we live in Virginia and there is a one year waiting period before a divorce can be filed for. Should I just let this go, or what? I really want to know whats going on so I close this chapter of my life.

Thanks for any advice,

Max

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Hi Max, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. There is hope to save your marriage if you can follow a plan. The reason she wants to split up is so she can carry on her affair. The plan will be to a) bust up her affair and b) make yourself as pleasant as possible. We call this Plan A. Busting up the affair removes her reasons for wanting a divorce. Plan A means you eliminate lovebusters, meet her needs as best as possible while working hard to kill her affair.

That means you must be strategic rather than reactive.

I would start by snooping on her and getting evidence of the affair. You might even hire a PI if you can afford it. You have lots of evidence of excessive contact but no direct evidence of an affair.

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I love this woman with all my heart but she does not love me anymore. She is being mean and insensitive. I know I have lost her; but its hard for me to let this go.


In order for her to justify her affair, she has been demonizing you. This is why she is being mean. Just don't give her any ammunition. Be as polite as possible, don't argue and don't fight with her. Don't plead and don't agree to any divorce schemes.

Has she moved out? What do you know about this OM? Is he married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB. Can you find out the direct number of the BW so you can call her directly? Instead of leaving a message through her work that she may not get.

You will need to have direct contact when you expose after you get the evidence.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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She has worked in the same office for over 20 years. This guy works for her. He is married; but his wife sleeps around. He knows it, but lets it go on. He has four kids, one of whom has a kid. My wife told me this morning that the texting was due to advice about whether he should legally adopt the grandchild. The mother is 17 or 18 and immature. Also, his father and my wife's father had their bladders removed and they talked about that. She is very career driven so I don't think that she would jeopardize it by hooking up with a guy that works for her. She has not moved out. She wanted me to move out. I did not. But she has a lawyer and will get the house and kids. The texting blows me away. She works at a place where cell phones are not allowed in the building. So the 100 plus a day average is even more striking.

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I am not sure that the wife cares. She sleeps around all the time.

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Hi Max, I am sorry for this situation you are in. However, there is hope for you to turn this around, but you will have to be willing to fight for your marriage. Are you willing to do that?

First, your wife is in an affair with this man from work. You do not need to believe me when I say that, you simply need to believe it is possible. I know you like to think that she would not jeapordize her career over this, but what you don’t understand is that affairs are very addictive. Many people have thrown away marriages, families, and careers for affairs, I am sure you have seen some of these stories on the news. Even if your wife in a rational state would not make this decision, in an addictive state she would.

Second, you cannot believe what your wife is telling you right now. She is in an affair and will do what she needs to do to protect her affair and her affair partner. What you can rely on is that she is lying to you, the very nature of affairs is deception. You cannot believe anything she is telling you about the nature of her calls with this man. Even if she was discussing the things she says she is discussing (she isn’t), it would be highly inappropriate personal conversation with a married man and subordinate of hers. 100 texts a day is highly inappropriate regardless of the nature of the texts. And I can tell you that she is lying to you, this is way more texting than one would need for such conversations. I think you already know that. You can also not believe what she is saying about his wife. It is in both of their best interest to convince you that his wife is crazy and promiscuous and doesn’t care what he does. I am guessing he has painted the same picture about you to his wife!

Third, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact that she is upset with you for checking cell phone logs tells you she has something to hide. The fact that she is changing services to hide things from you, would tell you she has something to hide from you. The fact that she is upset that you attempted to contact his wife, the one she claims doesn’t really care, tells you that she DOES really care.

PLEASE do some investigating here and get some evidence. Do not confront her, this is very important. Come back here for next steps. Again, you have the ability to turn this around but you have to be willing to at least find out what is going on. If you cannot fathom that she would actually have an affair, then do some investigating and prove that everything I just said is wrong.

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Originally Posted by Max__
She has worked in the same office for over 20 years. This guy works for her. He is married; but his wife sleeps around. He knows it, but lets it go on. He has four kids, one of whom has a kid. My wife told me this morning that the texting was due to advice about whether he should legally adopt the grandchild. The mother is 17 or 18 and immature. Also, his father and my wife's father had their bladders removed and they talked about that. She is very career driven so I don't think that she would jeopardize it by hooking up with a guy that works for her. She has not moved out. She wanted me to move out. I did not. But she has a lawyer and will get the house and kids. The texting blows me away. She works at a place where cell phones are not allowed in the building. So the 100 plus a day average is even more striking.



Did you read my post about getting evidence of the affair? Are you snooping on her? Not much we can do until you do that. It is not a good idea to ask her or confront her about it. Just quietly snoop and come back here when you get the evidence. This is very salvageable but you are going to have to do some footwork.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am trying to find any evidence I can. I have the phone records showing the number of texts and times. I thought about showing to HR at her work; but am still debating that. She has her phone locked down. She works in a fenced in secure building. Should I put a VAR in her car? She is insane about walking. She gets like 25,000 steps a day. Could she be walking and meeting him for trysts? Leave work for lunch and going somewhere? Ugh. So depressing to think about. I appreciate your help. This has gutted me; my shrink asks why I would want to be with a person like that?

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Originally Posted by Max__
I am trying to find any evidence I can. I have the phone records showing the number of texts and times. I thought about showing to HR at her work; but am still debating that. She has her phone locked down. She works in a fenced in secure building. Should I put a VAR in her car? She is insane about walking. She gets like 25,000 steps a day. Could she be walking and meeting him for trysts? Leave work for lunch and going somewhere? Ugh. So depressing to think about. I appreciate your help. This has gutted me; my shrink asks why I would want to be with a person like that?


Definitely put a GPS and VAR in her vehicle so you can know what she is doing. Or can you afford a PI? Can you put spyware on her phone?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Max__ Offline OP
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I don't have access to her phone to spyware on it. I will put GPS and VAR in her vehicle.

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Originally Posted by Max__
I am trying to find any evidence I can. I have the phone records showing the number of texts and times. I thought about showing to HR at her work; but am still debating that.


NO, don't do that. It is not evidence of anything other than alot of contact. That will be meaningless to them. You should expose to HR, but you need actual evidence.

Quote
She has her phone locked down. She works in a fenced in secure building. Should I put a VAR in her car? She is insane about walking. She gets like 25,000 steps a day. Could she be walking and meeting him for trysts? Leave work for lunch and going somewhere? Ugh. So depressing to think about. I appreciate your help. This has gutted me; my shrink asks why I would want to be with a person like that?


Please step it up and get evidence. Put a voice activated recorder in her car and/or anywhere she would speak to him. Put a GPS on her car. Can you afford a PI? A good PI can usually get everything you need in a couple of days.

You need to get to work, Max! We can help you if you will get the evidence.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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