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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 3
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Don’t really know where to start or what to say. So much to relay for proper understanding but, in a nut shell..... I have love for my husband. I guess I more thought of him as a good friend but didn’t have much sexual interest and wasn’t always happy he was around. I didn’t really have ‘sexual interest’ in men in general (long back story) but I guess there were men who I said I’ll do something with and men that I wouldn’t. He was in the wouldn’t category. He asked me to go out right away I said no, but I sought out help to study for a test and we ended up being friends. Many things have been learned and many things we both wish we could change but it is what it is.. We got pregnant and got married but on my part that sexual chemistry never really happened. Sometimes I was content and thought things could work and sometimes I didn’t. Soon after we had our first, I actually started having ‘real’ attraction to other men. Kind of a first for me but I didn’t let myself indulge in thoughts or actions. It did kind of make me sad and prob enhanced my unhappiness but I tried hard to be a good wife and to love him and to love our daughter. ( I had trouble having ‘love feelings’ for my daughter as well but that has faded) We have 3 kids and have been married for almost 12 years. I have off and on struggled with attraction for other men (not indulged but before we were married there was cheating, which I did make known to him) there had been times I had had ‘break downs’ and said that I hadn’t wanted to be with him etc..but we somehow still came out of it. I had recently been having stronger struggles of attraction for other men and on a date night I told him and mentioned that I thought the reason the struggle kept coming around was because I hadn’t had those for him. (Which I thought he knew and guess he was somewhat aware but didn’t realize the extent of things and certainly didn’t think I was having them for other people) Lots of things can be said here... lots of negative things happened here. we did start doing marriage builders and we do like it, but we have some consistent concerns and are looking for some hope.
1. Has anyone had this type of start and actually got to a place where the romantic desire or sexual attraction came about and stayed? Is it a constant battle to maintain?
2. A lot of negative things have come out in the process that make it hard for my husband to feel good around me. I don’t want to say things that aren’t true, but I sure wish he didn’t feel so bad around me. How can I help him? Will he always at some point feel ‘less than’ because I didn’t have the ‘tingles’ or sexual attraction to him from the start?
3. How do I help myself be sexually attracted to him? Or not have a wandering eye?

I built very strong walls when I was younger and didn’t really let men in. If I had any type of real attraction I wouldn’t really talk to them... even the sex I did have was very disconnected. It’s good that i finally did start having them, but I worry they won’t come around for my husband. I always hoped that as long as I kept on they would. Sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s worse. He is one of the ‘good guys’. I wish I had desire for him as that’s all he wants from me.

Anyone have hope or insight?

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Hi smiley, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, you can create desire for your husband if you follow a few steps. The first would be to avoid situations where you feel "attraction" for other men. I am not sure what environment you are in where this happens, but I would avoid it. Staying in an environment where you are attracted to other men makes it much less likely you will build desire for your husband. He shouldn't be in competition with anyone since you are married. The competition closed when you got married so all of your attraction should be aimed at him.

What is it about these men that is causing attraction? Do you know these men? Do you speak to them? Exactly what are you attracted to? Where do you see them? is there one specific man that you are most attracted to?

If you can answer those questions, I can help you with next steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2019
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Sorry MelodyLane! I started a response, had quite a bit and had to leave and it got deleted and I have been super busy! My husband is out with my daughter and I have cleaned so I have a bit of time and hopefully I can finish this time! lol

We are both doing marriage builders and very much enjoy it! Walking through things is very complicated. There was an element of dissatisfaction with things from the get go and I went back and forth about whether to marry him or not. I didn't have physical attraction and actually struggled with parts of his personality and interaction style, but I trusted him and he was stable and had lots of biblical knowledge and he wanted to take care of me. We actually took 2 or 3 years (of off and on-ness) to get married and the push was a pregnancy.


As I said before I didn't really have strong attraction for people from the get go. I guess there were guys that were 'acceptable' or okay enough and guys that weren't and that's where they fit in my life. He was not in my acceptable list but at times I was more ok with him and other times I wasn't. He was aware that I didn't really have those feeling for him and for guys in general and thought he was getting the best I had to offer.


Shortly after we were married, a young man at my work came up to me with this joyful, excited expression on his face (I perceived there was interest in me but maybe not) and things happened inside me and just like that... something that I thought I wasn't able to do, flipped and I realized I was in trouble. I have done lots of praying for me to have feelings for my husband. I tried to do everything I thought a good wife would do, but there was still a deep dissatisfaction in me. We moved out of state not too much longer after our first was born and I didn't see or talk to that guy ever again.

We stayed with his parents for awhile where I was able to be drawn to his brother. (similar body types, but different personality) He was fun and loving and joyful and had a super big appreciation for food and life in general. He was kind of service oriented as well. I tried to not be around him as much and to not think of him and did lots of praying about it as well. We moved to our own place and his brother actually had a relapse of drug stuff and died of an overdose.

I didn't struggle again for a while. We had another girl and moved a couple more times. We had a guy build our porch and he was very nice and kind of cute and I became aware of a slight pulling for him and tried to avoid him and took it to my prayer partner for extra accountability. I'm not good with timelines. I'm not sure which happened first.
We started going to a new church and the pastor was attractive. I didn't think anything of it, had no feelings of desire at all. Then one day he stopped (usually any of our interactions were just in passing..I think, who knows...) and he said how are you today Kim. and it was like he really cared and that was pretty much all that took. I tried to not talk with him and prayed about it and talked with my accountability person. I did not try to switch churches as my husband very much liked this one (we had just found this one like a year ago or something) and was growing and our kids liked it too and it wasn't a consistent thing.
Then I was going to a chiropractor. There was two and I had been going to the woman but she was out and he adjusted my back and did a phenomenal job. He had a different style and it was good. I started going to him and started finding myself getting a little turned on when he touched me. I should have stopped going right away but he did such good work with my back it was hard.. I again prayed and went to my accountability partner and only saw him if I felt I had to. Sometimes I had issues and sometimes I didn't.

Then there was a slight longing for another guy at church. He was kind of happy go lucky and service oriented.

Then my husband and I were out on a date one night and things had been going well and I really hadn't struggled with anyone for a bit and I didn't want to anymore and I thought I will bring it out in the light and it will be exposed and will stop happening. We struggled for a while and he moved out. I kept trying to be with him. He stopped having sex with me and told me he wasn't going to and that we were done. No hope of return. I tried to be persistent and he was very intent on not being together. He sat me down and did the budget talk and said all that's left is to get the lawyer but he wanted to give me a bit more time as I didn't have health insurance yet. One day I came to him and said are you sure this is what you want (again) and he verified and I told him I was about to go someplace I wasn't sure I could come back from. he was certain the divorce was what he wanted and I started to open up to the possibility that someone else might be an option. (had a date and talked with people on a dating site for a bit.) Obviously right now we are trying hard to be with each other. We have moved back in together and are selling our house. Marriage builders is great, but I'm still having trouble shutting things down. I have gone through different cycles I feel like my desires are triggered so easily and sometimes its a specific person and sometimes its random people or faces. Sometimes I think there's nothing there and then out of nowhere there they are. I'm trying to not allow myself to be discontent with my husband at all and to realize that he is willing to go above and beyond to make me happy and also that I can't be fearful of the future. We are slowly weaning things out that have caused issues. I just got a new job and need to adjust hours at my old one so that we can have more time together. We have been going on date nights. We are struggling with how to talk with each other as we realize we both have completely different styles of interacting with each other and other people. and our fears for future stuff have been floating back and forth. We try to avoid them but sometimes they are hard to shake.
Even more frustrating is that I can have them willy nilly for other guys but still have yet to get all tingly type for my husband. We have sex. I usually finish. I just have a hard time being turned on by him. and that makes him feel awful and then I feel awful for making him feel awful...….and he feels especially awful that I can give that to someone I don't know or someone that I know is not a nice guy, but not him.

I am trying to keep in mind that romance can happen between 2 people that are unattracted to each other if they were the last two on earth and that my dedication needs to be like that. lol

I'm just looking for some different view points or helpful thoughts.


Joined: May 2019
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Make sure that when you have sex that you are enthusiastically agreeing to it. Don’t ever do it for any reason less than that you enthusiastically agree to it and truly want to do it. Don’t ever do it to capitulate or just to avoid hurting him, or just to do what you think is right, or you want to try to be unselfish and give him what he needs, etc. And definitely don’t do it if it’s just because he’s coercing you to do it against your will. There are a host of reasons a wife may do it other than because she enthusiastically agrees and wants to. If she does, she is sacrificing and the act of sex will identify with the negative reasons she’s doing it and the negative feelings that go with that. And no matter how much you don’t want it, you will end up developing an aversion to sex and then even though you thought you were doing the right thing, things will be worse, not better. Anything you do repeatedly that you don’t want to do can cause an aversion. Trust me, I know about this.
That being said, if you truly want to do it and it is truly not out of capitulation then it will be excellent and will help your marriage because you will be meeting his needs and you will feel love from it as well.


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