Weirdsituation made some good points about documentation. As far as exposure, I definitely would expand out on exposures to the OM's family and friends. You should try to enlist his family to help you kill this affair. We have had affairs killed by family pressure so I would use it however you can. Even if you reach out to his parents, it would have an effect. You can't be fearful and scared about this. You are fighting for your marriage and your children's family. You need to do what is right. Your marriage can recover from your wife's anger over exposure; it can't recover from an ongoing affair, so you need to be applying maximum pressure on the affair.

I realize you are being pressured about exposure by your wayward wife and her family but keep in mind that none of these people a) understand the benefits of exposure and b) none of their oxes are being gored. It is not THEM who will pay the price if your marriage ends over a temporary affair; it is YOU and your children. You need to step up here and fight this affair and not worry about public approval.

Thank you so much for taking out time for the advice! I reached out to the OM community today. Spoke to one person and he said he has already talked to the guy. As per him, he is not moving and stuck to his ground that he is not interfering, but if I divorce my WW, he will accept her and marry. She also mentioned that now that 4/5 other families now know there. None are coming forward to talk to the OM yet.


I reached out to one of his business contacts. No luck there but I will follow up again.


I reached out to one of his close friend today. He mentioned that many in the OM circle already know and they are planning to talk to him. He may also visit from Texas to NJ in person and talk to him


OM ex-wife informed her daughter who is 11 years old. OM mother knows and I learned that she advised against it. His dada expired a few years ago.


Thank you for the advice. Please pass me the contact of your law office in NJ.

I will read your other advices and attempt to implement as many. thank you!

Thank you Melodylane. I will start working on wider exposure. Do you also recommend to expose to my remaining neighbors? Most of our close friends know but not all the neighbors. Only one knows. I did on purpose to ensure that she is not living on shame on a daily basis. Also, I also have a fear that some may stop sending kids to my home.

Overall daily living updates besides my response on the actions above.

I stopped actively pursuing 180 based on the advice on this forum (MelodyLane). Its coincidence that me stopping 180, reading "Surviving an Affair" Jon/Sue story and my WS coming to me and talking happened on the same day and night. I had followed 180 for 2 weeks. After she came to me to talk, I gave her reassurance that all will be good in marriage, etc. She continued saying I am leaving so don't live in lala land, build hope for the kids, etc. I ignored whatever she said. I went to her room (we are in a separate room for the past 6 weeks) the next two days and slept next to her in the morning. She started a rant on a mild-loud voice again, etc. I stopped going to her room as kids are getting scared.

For the past couple of days, I am having minimal interactions with her. She comes from office and does no acknowledgment of my presence. I also do not say anything to her. Because of her this behavior, I also keep going through the roller coaster ride if I stay with her or not. Overall my intent is to stay because of kids but this feeling is now getting weaker (seems). Please advice!

Also, her parents have almost given up on her. I had a long conversation with them in the last two days. They are now telling me that seems like I will have to live with two kids in the future. They are extremely nervous too. I spoke to OM fiend in front of them (not telling this friend that they are listening). OM friend expressed his shock and told them he always thought that two of us were the ideal couple and always loving.

My thoughts:
Are you using the exposure letter when reaching out? It is OK that you spoke to your friend but the impact is from sending her the letter. It is OK that you spoke to your friend but the impact is from sending her the letter. The letter has a big impact. People will remember it. People can forward it. It can be shown to other people. The words in it are powerful. More important is that it is coming directly from you them. The 4/5 families have to hear directly from you. She may even send the letter to the other families and her friends. The spreading of the news through email has impact. It is also personal. Even if you know his mother already knows still use all the contents of the letter(I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.) All you need is full and powerful impact.

You remind me of myself when I came across the is forum and Exposure 101. I thought it can be done my way. With time I realized that the veterans and Dr. Harley had done great research and have experience to come up with the exposure guidelines and the contents of the letters.

Here is the letter.

Dear friend of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

My Thoughts:
How have you reached him? What did you say? Are you following exposure guidelines or you are using your own ways? Are you using this workplace exposure letter? It works for exposure targets: the company they were employed, their company and his company. For the later two targets you can send it to some of the people in the companies. If I am not mistaken OM and WW have taken romantic trip in disguise as business trips. The resources /money of the company they were employed, their company and his company were used. The payments/money from his clients, partners business contacts were used.

Remember in your case they even used your family resources to start their business. Do these business contacts know this


You have it all in this quote.

The letter...
To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Great. Reach out to many and all. Reach out to more to all his business contacts you can find. Research contacts and reach out. Remember that anyone you reach out will tell someone. I would not worry about luck. Not reaching back to you is not that "important" though it would be good if they do. The "importance" is that OM will fell the pressure somehow. How his business contacts will look at him when they meet. How they will not let their wives or husbands near him. ...how they may isolate him from parties. These are things that are silent and powerful. So.. just get people informed through exposure. You know when you have done something wrong and somehow you know and feel that this person knows it. That is the result you need. Emotional intelligence will tell OM.

Great news. Did you use the exposure letter? reach more of his friends. Are doing trickle exposure? Trickle exposure is a mistake. You need to take time to exposure - 3 hours / overnight or a stretch of time. Get it done once. Once you get far wide exposure you can move on to other important things. Trust me there are many things waiting for you. Full exposure will make anything that follow easier whether it is divorce, custody, your career, self esteem to get your work and life done, court, no fear when meeting people knowing it is not yourself who destroyed the family, etc.

See this from Exposure 101 Guidelines - https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2566583/exposure-101-your-most-powerful-weapon.html#Post2566583:

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes �who???� When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won�t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won�t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person �has no influence over my WS� even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON�T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don�t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are �crazy� �jealous�. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

My thoughts:
It is good OM mother knows. What is powerful is if she gets to know it from you. You have a long friendship history with OM and you must know how to reach his mother on your own. Take matters into your own hands. Even if she has been informed you still have to do it yourself. Hearing from you will have impact. Same with other people you are saying they have been informed by other people. It is your responsibility to reach people. Horse's mouth. Imagine this yourself ... 15 years from now when you kids have families - a BH/BW reaches out directly to you saying your daughter or son is an OW or OM, please stop her or her. What will you do or feel. What will be the future of your family look like. That is the power of it.

People will also likely help or take action if they hear from you.

Happy to. Let me get a response from Vets on how to do it.

Veterans and Melodylane how do you advice I pass this info? How do I go about it? Private message is disabled. Are there any privacy issues to be concerned about concerning my thread and if Gname(any poster for that matter) knows my name? Or I just pass the info to someone from the MB you recommend.

Make sure you do it with the approval of the veterans. I am writing from what I have mostly read and think is right. For example I say OM's clients should know. Veterans may say no do not do it. Veterans feel free to correct my advice. There more of ideas than anything. I will not take it the wrong way at all.

Update: I have realized that conversation over the phone and chat is better. I sent her text that let's go out with the kids and have dinner along with my in-laws.

Her response was that let's not built incorrect expectations with the kids. Hence cancel the plan. She also doesn't want to send kids to a friends place who have stopped sending their kids to our home. Things have started suffocating now.

I think she may be falling in depression but ready to pick a fight at the drop of the hat. She is complaining of a headache every day after coming from the office.

“
Thank you Melodylane. I will start working on wider exposure. Do you also recommend to expose to my remaining neighbors? Most of our close friends know but not all the neighbors. Only one knows. I did on purpose to ensure that she is not living on shame on a daily basis. Also, I also have a fear that some may stop sending kids to my home.
”

No, I would not expose to any neighbors unless they are close friends who can have an influence over your wife. The point is to garner support for your marriage. I would focus on the OM’s side at this point. Expose to his Facebook friends and reach out to his family. See if his parents will assist you in busting up this affair.

“For the past couple of days, I am having minimal interactions with her. She comes from office and does no acknowledgment of my presence. I also do not say anything to her. Because of her this behavior, I also keep going through the roller coaster ride if I stay with her or not. Overall my intent is to stay because of kids but this feeling is now getting weaker (seems). Please advice!”

You need to be very patient with this. It will take time and strategy to turn this around. If she is not responding in a few MONTHS then you can consider going into Plan B, a complete separation. But you have nothing to lose by hanging in there and competing with the OM dirtbag for a few months. Kick back and be strategic! Tell your in laws that there is really a lot of hope and they should not be so eager to give up.

Also, I would make up a list of exposure targets for the OM and get it all knocked out tomorrow. You need to get this done in one day. Please read the thread linked in my signature about Facebook exposures. And did you see my suggestion about enlisting the help of his parents and other family members? Are you using my talking points in your exposures? You need to be asking for their help in your discussions. That will motivate them to be more proactive.

You have the right idea! I would start smaller and try to initiate pleasant conversations with her. It will take time to break the ice. And whatever you do, don’t allow her to drag you into a fight. Be pleasant, pleasant, pleasant! The dirty rat OM will mess up eventually and you want to be the pleasant, attractive one!

Thank you Melodylane!

I need advice on how honest I need to be with my in-laws? I am noticing that they try to paint a grim picture to me that she is not planning to stay. I express my thoughts that I am planning to stay for kids and maybe revealing more that I should. All friends are advising that I should not trust the in-laws much and do not try to take their support. I sometimes feel that I am getting fooled by them collectively. Please advice!

- I reached out to the OM mother today and she refused to do any further. She said I don't want to come in the middle. She said that she has already advised her son against it. She refused to share her other son's number.
- I also sent WhatsApp to few other friends of the OM. Haven't heard a response from them yet.

I think you need to expect that anything you say to them will be repeated to your wife which can be a very good thing. You can tell them anything you want her to hear. In that case, I would tell them you fully plan to stay around and fight for your marriage.

But also throw in some very dismal statistics about affairs that they can pass onto their daughter. Tell them you are very, very "concerned" about your wife's future because you know her affair is doomed. Tell them that 95% of affairs die in the initial 2 years after they are exposed. The ones that make it to marriage - "affairages" - have an 85 % divorce rate within 5 years. They are horrible, miserable relationships because the traits that made the affair possible, deceit, dishonesty, thoughtlessness and selfishness always make their way into the affair.

Also, throw in the fact about how disappointed you are that your children's mother is role modeling adultery. Surely, they have considered how this devastating this is to their grandchildren.

Other than that, you need to use your best judgement and discernment. You need them on your side but if you feel they are not, then use your best judgement.

Thats great! The mother will probably tell her son and that will shake him up. I would get this wrapped up asap so it is not dragged out.