Hello There,

I am an Indian guy mid 40's who recently (April 16, 2019) discovered my wife's (age 43) affair with one of my best friend who lives a couple of miles away from my home.

We are married for 15 years with two beautiful daughters 13 and 10. My wife used to work for him in his IT consulting and subsequently, they both joined a larger company in Mar 2016. It is likely the closeness started there. Her affair partner lost his job in Oct 2016, however, was very frequent in visiting my home before and after losing the job. During there work at this company my wife expressed intent of starting a business with him. In Mar 2017, they started an adult care business along with him making a significant amount of investment ($150k + putting our rental property ($250k) for the loan).

As he was a family friend, I had no clue of anything. To be honest, I had not seen many divorces around me at all. The postmarital affair was not even on my radar. In Aug of 2017, while planning for my daughter's bday party, I did not feel something correct and asked my wife if something is going between the two. She completely denied. I felt ashamed and guilty of accusing my wife and never talked about it again. Interestingly 2 days after this event, they had a severe fight in front of me relating to business transaction/share which I told seemed fully staged.

Anyways the whole of 2017 and 2018 passed and I had no clue about their affair. On April 15, 2019, I overheard some conversation in the bedroom over the phone which did not seem correct to me. I kept a VAR in her car expecting that nothing is going to come out. Unfortunately, VAR gave a picture otherwise. My wife was leaving early morning for office, meeting him for an hour then was on phone for another hour to her way to the office. While coming back from office, she was on hour over the phone and then again meeting for an hour before coming home by 6 pm.

April 16th on the DDay, I discovered some nasty lies and deceit such as making several business trips in the past 2-3 years, taking work from home but working from his home, leaving early for office and coming late, etc. She was meeting this guy daily for a few hours in the neighborhood before going to office in park or isolated place (including hotel) for the physical activities. She also admitted doing sex in the car. Complete filth.

I had no knowledge about the affair until this struck me. My initially thought this may be just outside marriage sexual activities, etc. My response was that of extreme anger and disclosed the affair and details to close friends. All friends were shocked with the news and choice of the person in terms of looks, his social behavior, etc (he is rich though). My wife likes gifts, attention, and everyone is thinking that she fell for all these. I also informed her parents who was in India and brother who lives in India and the UK. Subsequently kids also came to know about this and living in a fearful environment that we will separate.

Its almost 12 weeks from DDay, my wife is extremely angry about the exposure and let the friends, parents, and kids know about this. She is also very angry that I talk to friends for support. I have also discovered that she continues making several phone call from her office to her affair partner after the DDay. My wife is also putting all the blame on me for her affair. She said that I was doing marital duties at home and fun there. She also says that she did not plan and it just happened. The guy was very persistent.

After lots of emotional gymnastics, I made a decision that I will want to keep the marriage alive and do not let the family break apart. I want to give kids mom and dad under one roof. My in-laws came from India to help in reconciliation. Sometimes I feel a bad decision getting in-laws but they also want this marriage to continue. However, my wife is determined to leave the marriage. Daily living has become very toxic. She gets extremely angry when I try to even touch her. She gets very upset when trying to talk about the timeline of the affair. She has not disclosed anything on her own.

I find it stupid that she has turned the table around and threatening to divorce. I am also noticing that he conviction to leave is getting stronger every day. She also says that she would not have left if I had not disclosed affair and details to friends, parents, brother, and kids.

Any advice on saving this marriage will be helpful. Or should I save a marriage where I was cheated for almost 3 long years?

Also wanted to add that my wayward spouse has so far not shown any guilt, remorse and not even said proper sorry for the entire episode.

Hi Gname, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You have done many things right and I want to applaud you for investigating and for exposing the affair. Exposure is ruinous because affairs thrive on secrecy. Yes, your wife is furious now, but it is because of the FOG. An affair is an addiction much like a crack addiction and it creates a similar FOG. You have ruined her affair, which is a good thing. What you have done is tantamount to bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It makes them furious because it ruins the high. So, don't worry about that for now.

What you can do is do everything in your power to make sure all contact is ended forever with this OM. Your marriage will never survive as long as there is any contact because she cannot withdraw from her addiction. I would plan on moving and certainly discontinue any business arrangements with him. Some ways you can run him off is to expose to his family and friends and to confront him. Make his life miserable and make sure he understands you will fight for your marriage. Will your in-laws contact him and tell him to stay away? Someone needs to tell him there is no future for him with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your children and in laws for his part in wrecking their family.

While you are doing everything to kill this affair [and it is dying from the exposure] you should present yourself as the best husband in the world. Don't fight with her, show her love. Commit yourself to creating a happy, romantic marriage with her where both of your needs are met. She, of course, is blaming you for her affair [which is ridiculous] but you can use that as an opportunity to express your commitment to recovery. Tell her you don't want an unhappy marriage, you will do what it takes to make her happy.


Stop talking about the affair. Start painting a picture of a great marriage. She is still very high on the affair so don't expect her to respond right away.

In the meantime, I would read through the links in the "Start Here" thread at the top of this forum and get the book Surviving an Affair. [you can download it on amazon in kindle here ] That will give you a roadmap back and will help you understand the advice we are giving.

Who on OM’s side did you expose to?

This is not unique if the woman is the adulterer. Even if you recover she might not show as much remorse as you would expect.

This is correct. Read “Surviving an Affair” especially the Jon and Sue story.

Thank you for your prompt response. She is 15% owner of the business. I have told her to stop all interaction. I don't think she interacts with him for business for now but talks to him from her office on a regular basis. I have tracked her conversation until 6 weeks ago. Stopped it subsequently as it became harder.

As he was my very good friend, her mother, and a few other friends of his was close to me. A few of them know now. Her mother was not happy to hear. He divorced his wife in 2018 while an affair with my wife was in progress. I am positive his mother told his other son and daughter. His mother blamed my wife for becoming so close to him - which I agreed. I have distanced myself from all of them now. A few know in his community where he has said that the relationship was consensual. He misinformed them that my relationship with my spouse was not good -and she was contemplating divorce. I was shocked to hear all that. In fact, my Wayward wife was also not happy to hear that. His neighbor was not happy to hear. Not sure who else I should say as we live just a couple of miles apart. I don't want the entire world to know either. Many of his neighbors are just acquaintances to me.

I suspect my in-laws will talk to him. I suspect my wife will let them talk to him. My in-laws are also keeping fluctuating between love for her daughter and the situation.

I am also in another forum where they advised me to practice 180. My life has become better after following this otherwise she was just riding over me. She was bitter and always ready to trigger for a fight. Considering one women person I have been all life, it was so hard for me to accept all these but did not want to see my kids not having a mother and father under one roof. I communicated my decision to continue, however, she was treating that as my weakness by telling I have nothing else in life and will feel the pain knowing she is leaving. She was abusive, and the nastiest person I ever met in my life. All these changed after exposure. As I gaining strength, It hurts more to see her this behavior. All re saying, she is ready to move out. Its matter of time.

Thank you - I bought this today.

His ex-wife and mother. Her mother said that his sister had an idea but not as much. I Whatsapp his friends but he kicked me out immediately from the group.

I would do a comprehensive exposure to his close friends and family. Exposure is the greatest weapon against an affair. Many an OM has been run off by exposure. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone knows what you are doing. It is obvious he is lying to people about your wife and her marital situation. This will be a direct hit on the affair for several reasons. First off, his family and some friends may confront him about his affair. Secondly, it will ruin your wife's future hopes for her relationship with him. If all of the people on his side know she is a married woman, she won't be openly welcomed except by the worst of the worst.

I would visit his facebook page and start collecting names of his contacts. Go read the exposure thread linked in my signature for tips and best practices.

The best thing they can do for their daughter and you is to apply pressure on the affair. This affair will not last. 95% of affairs die within 2 years becuase the traits that made them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness, dishonesty, eventually poison the relationship.

We can't help you if you want to use the 180. It is diametrically opposed to the this program. Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, does not endorse the 180. It is one of the most ineffective programs I have ever seen and I have been here for 18 years. Giving your wife the cold shoulder will not save your marriage.

Anyway, if you want to use the 180 we can't help you here. We have had many, many people come here over the years who couldn't save their marriages using the 180 and we helped them save their marriage. But if you are going to use the 180, you can't use MB, because it is diametrically opposed to this program.

Interesting to know you said this. I am not fixed to 180 but it definitely gave me piece for two weeks of no talking to her. Otherwise it was always a fight triggered by her. In the other forum they are absolutely advising to hold ground and threaten divorce with divorce. I am ready to go alternate route hoping my wife will again not try to run over me.

In fact this morning I got up very early and went to her to say I feel bad that you had to defend this all alone which was not defensible. And I also said that in am not sorry for exposing it. She replied back saying and I am sorry “if” I felt hurt. I caught her if and asked if she really intended to add. She did not reply. She just replied that move on. She wants 50% custody of the kids. I said no as I don’t want kids to have trauma of seeing the guy who they called uncle for the past 10 years. My kids know how much I was helping in his divorce process. She is adamant. She is threatening that is my choice where I go and what do with the kids in her time. The whole thing is stick there now.

Our plan involves a) busting up her affair and b) attracting her back. The 180 does none of these things, in fact it pushes a detached wife farther away. Sure, it might feel better to give her the cold shoulder but that only makes the OM look more attractive. He is not giving her the cold shoulder. You really need to pick one program and stick with it, because a little of this and a little of that will get you nowhere.

MelodyLane saved my life 9 years ago. Listen well.

In terms of running OM off, what state are you in? Is it a state that has Alienation of Affection or Criminal Conversation laws? North Carolina has these and allows you to sue someone who is attacking your marriage. If he is wealthy, this would probably run him off.

I will stick to this Melody. I have applied 180 for the past two weeks and it’s not leading anywhere other than divorce. Honestly, the amount of filth my wife has collected in the past 3 years, and her behavior after that is making me wonder if it’s worthy. She is abusive and ready to trigger fight all the time including in front of the kids. She is absolutely opposite person who I knew. She is not stopping to interact with her AP from her office. She is taking access away from her phone and started guarding her like before. All our friends are now annoyed and given up on her. One of her very close girlfriends spoke to her last week and then came to advise me that I should really close this chapter. Living with her has become hell everyday. Any help is welcome. And I am primarily dining it for kids now. Her stories are really filthy such as going away for a week on vacation in guise of business trip to new oleans and cruise. Very painful to think of it. She took away so much of family time. Omg

I live in New Jersey and law seems hopeless 😌

Also. Almost 12 weeks of exposure and my wife is very consistent in asking for divorce to save her pride. As per her exposing paved her way to go out. This was hidden so she was ashamed of taking this step.

Her threat that exposure "paved her way" out of the marriage is her way of trying to get you to STOP. The problem is that you stopped too soon. If you stop too soon the result is a continued affair and a ticked off wayward spouse. You need to keep it up until you are done. Exposure can sometimes kill the affair on the spot and in other cases it hastens its death. So, I would not stop. I would get it finished up on his side. From what you said earlier, she and the OM have been lying to others about the state of your marriage. That sounds to me like her plan is to EASE him into her life and vice versa. She probably planned on divorcing you and just easing him into her life after you were gone.

Exposure is still your most powerful weapon. I would expose to his family and close friends. Ask his parents for their help in keeping their dirtbag son away from your wife. Enlist their help! You said that your children know. Do they know the full truth? Do they know WHO the OM is?

And most importantly, I would present the best possible face to her. Let her know you are very hurt by her affair, but look for opportunities to meet her needs. As her affair dies off, you need to be the best place to land while she sobers up.

Some good strategies might be to go with your inlaws and pay a visit to this rat. I would also reach out to his Xwife and fill her in on what you know. She has a right to know everything since their marriage busted up over this affair.

WHAT ARE PLAN A AND PLAN B?
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD

I exposed the affair to our friend circle (6 families). On the OM side, this was exposed to her mother, brother, and sister. I also exposed to a couple of his friends who said that they do not want to interfere. I few people know in his community but they did not do anything other than gossip. So I have stayed away from telling more people. in my neighborhood of 9 homes, only 1 knows. I have not informed her office. I was thinking of calling them as she is using office premise to contact the OM. Please advise!


I will call the OMs mother again and ask her to stop him. I know the OM is having a fight with her mother over this issue. My kids know this person since they were born. He is my friend from college days.


Her response is simply - I don's care. You care for your problem and I will mine. She has turned into absolute stone. She gets really abusive in the spur of the moment and starts ranting. She gets abusive towards my family too. Her mother sometimes fuels to the fire.


I will ask but I am not very hopeful.


I reached out to her lat week. She has nothing much to offer except this person was always unfaithful to her even at the time they were dating. She has 15 years of marriage but given up marriage after 5 years.

I don't have any PLAN A or B at this time.

I am reading the Surviving An Affair. Looks like my wife has found her seemingly soul mate similar to Jon and Sue. Though this person is a known womanizer among the friend circle here.

Have you told the OM to leave your WW alone? Read
“I Encourage BHs to confront OM” per Dr. Harley

Yes, I did that on DDay itself. After that I caught him sending emails to my wife's work email account. And called her twice in front of me hoping that I am not around. Now my unfaithful spouse has hardened her stand by changing password blocking access to her iPhone. Any attempt to see her phone results in an argument. She says in the plain words that let go and file for mutual consent divorce. She wants kids to know that divorce was a mutual agreement. Getting it real difficult to handle her.

Quick Update: I was working at 2 AM last night and my wayward spouse came to my room to see me with tears in her eye.

She started saying that I have started packing and will be leaving soon. I asked her to come and sleep with me. She did not come, so I went to her bed and started talking. I told her what she is feeling and I am not pushing her to leave home. She kept insisting that our time for marriage is over and so on. I kept advising her to start working on the marriage. She mentioned that her dad has now come to an understanding that she will leave and mom is still opposing. She continued to say that if I had not told our friends, she would have continued. I told her that based on what I know, you are not leaving because of friends knowing but your inability to let the AP go. I advised her to stop seeing or talking to him immediately. Staying together is best for us and the kids.

I tried to hug her after almost 6 weeks. She still remained resistant but allowed me to keep one hand on her. I woke up early and tried to hug her again but she remained resistant. I was amazed last night that she for the 1st time after exposure in spoke in a milder tone. She continued to say - let me go. more later.

Gname, I need you to READ the article "What is Plan A and Plan B" so you will understand the concepts. For the time being, you need to focus on being as kind as possible. Don't lecture her. Just tell her that you don't want a divorce, that you want to have a great marriage and that you know this can happen if she will end her affair and cut all contact with the OM. Just be a broken record.

You need to be SURE that your children understand the truth, that she is leaving to pursue her affair. Don't let her lie to your children. I would sit them down and speak to them NOW [ALONE] and tell them why your wife wants a divorce. Encourage your children to speak to her openly since this affects their lives greatly.

I would also tell her that your children will not be allowed to be around the OM since he is a bad man. Let her know that if this goes to divorce you will have this stipulated in the custody agreement.

P.S. I know it is upsetting, but I want to encourage you to hang in there. If she does move out, her affair will die a faster death. It has been thriving on secrecy for a very long time and now it is out in the open. If they move in together, it will kill the affair even faster. If you are reading Surviving an Affair, you know that Jon and Sue reconciled and have a great marriage to this day. Even if she does file for divorce, it is not over. All you need to do is stand back while her affair crumbles. I assure you it is crumbling now.

I would encourage you to enlist your in-laws. Let them know this marriage is very salvageable and that your wife's affair won't last. Ask them to support their daughter in doing the right thing, not the wrong thing. They can help tremendously if they would reach out to this OM and tell him he will never be welcomed in their family.

Once again, 95% of affairs die within the first 2 years. The ones that make it to marriage end up in divorce within 5 years. Let your inlaws know that there is no future in this affair. And make sure your wife knows he has had other affairs according to his wife.

Can someone link him the Wayward Fog post where a FWW explains how Waywards think?

It helped me a lot, and my FWW read it a year into recovery and was dumbstruck and ashamed at how accurate it was.

Gname - you got your homework, learn this stuff, plan A or plan B as needed but you need to understand them, when to use which one, and the importance of 100% commitment to the whichever plan you are implementing.

Learn, decide, commit.

Learn what the options are (read Melody's links)
Decide which option is best for where you at
Commit to executing it

Don't take personally anything your WW says right now. She is literally a heroin addict with a monkey on her back who blames you for withdrawal. Recognize it's not your wife talking. It's a WW, and those are awful, hurtful creatures, but it's not your wife.

Gname, you are doing a great job but it sounds as if this is a hole you have not yet plugged. They own a business together? You will have to unwind this asap.

Thank you all for the support. I had a long conversation with their parents. They are not very uncomfortable talking to her AP. So that road is blocked for now. In my conversation with them y'day, they are very upset that I disclosed her affair to friends and not that is spreading other places. Her dad was upset to the extent of being rude and I had to calm her down and address the issue. My WS told me y'day that her father has understood that she is ready to move out but the mother is still not there. I told them y'day that if at all they give in, and future consequences will be their lookout. I will have no choice but to move on.

I spoke to my WS y'day and she said she can't promise not talking to the AP. Last evening she was telling my younger daughter why she is giving her a hard time when she is in this home only for a few weeks. I ignored... FYI... she sleeps in other room. I go in the morning for 10 mins and try to cuddle her and sleep. She was resisting a lot earlier and she continues to do the same but not as much. She continues to talk that I will be leaving soon so don't do. I told her no worries when she leaves, all these will stop anyways. I also told her I am prepared to move on if she is not going to stay.

Please let me know if I need to change or stop any of the above behavior. Thank you!

Gname, you are doing fantastic but I would not tell her you are prepared to move on. Don't cooperate with her divorce/separation talk at all. You need to be a broken record. Just tell her that you don't want a divorce, that you want to have a great marriage and that you know this can happen if she will end her affair and cut all contact with the OM. Just be a broken record. This will not happen fast, so you need to be strategic and PATIENT. BE on your very best behavior.

I would also have a private chat with your father in law and tell him that exposure is the greatest weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. Tell him Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair says
and

Print up this article and give it to him: WHEN SHOULD AN AFFAIR BE EXPOSED
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD DON'T show any of this to your wife or argue with her about it.

In the meantime, have you had a private chat with your children yet?

What is she waiting on for her move out? What is her plan? Has she seen an attorney?

She wants to move to our rental apt in the neighboring township. She wants 50% of the kids time. She talks about the kid's future plan. She says moving out this year will be better as the elder one will go to high school next year.

She says she doesn't want any alimony. She also says that she is not meant to be alone so eventually she will go to her AP. She has seen the bright side of life and would like to be there.

She may not have seen attorney but her AP has gone through the divorce so she sometimes talks broken legal language.

Why do you think she has not moved out yet? I think there has been a plan in place for a long time for them to end up together but for some reason she is dragging her feet. Do you know why?

ALSO, if she does file for divorce I would suggest you get legal representation and get an agreement in place. Not for the reason of getting divorced [you can drag it out] but so you will have good legal protection. Negotiating a divorce with a fogged out wayward works in your favor. See how she is ready and willing to forfeit alimony?

How do your kids feel about the fact that she is breaking up their family for her affair? How do they feel about her adultery partner? Are you having discussions with them?

For kids, the AP was their uncle for a long time. Kids hate him now. Kids are living in a fearful envt. I just called her in the office to tell let's move to Atlanta. She says I have already moved on. So I am not going anywhere. She informed me that I am in touch with him and I need to plan my future. I am not sure if she is playing with me or she really means it. I said that lots of things have gone under the water, lates wake up and move in the right direction. Kids future are key for us. She is openly admitting that I am in touch with the AP. Is this normal behavior of WS? Hard to live like this with so much anxiety.

Her talk such as I have already moved on, etc - are those real or she is also trying to scare me? How much credence should I give to it?

You should give it as much credence as you would the proclamations of a falling down drunk. Don't pay any attention whatsoever to her rantings. Her desires will change from day to day. Pay attention to YOUR PLAN. The adulterers have no plan, YOU DO. You have the advantage.

One of the best things you could do for your marriage is move away. That way when her affair crumbles [and it will!] she will have to move to follow you. You would, of course, have to consult an attorney about getting custody of your kids. How old are your kids?

ALSO, the degree of fury expressed by a wayward over exposure is in direct correlation to the amount of DAMAGE you caused to the affair by your exposure. The more ANGRY, the harder you hit your target. You caused enormous damage to the affair with your exposure. That is a good thing!

I would make it very clear to your kids that a) she is leaving for her affair and b) they do not have to be around the OM.

So heartening to hear this. Unfortunately, she has been ranting this for a while now.


My kids are vehemently opposing move from here as it will ruin their friends, etc. I have a task to do to convince them. I have two daughters turning 13 and 10 next month.

this is 13th week of exposure. The first couple of 10 weeks was terrible in terms of her fury. For the past two weeks, she has mellowed down a bit. Not sure mellowing down is good or not good. She and her family are really upset that I told so many friends.

Yes, I have kept my kids aware (two girls - 13 and 10) that mom may leave and they don't want to see the OM face.

If OM is a player (sounds as if he is) then your exposure is ruining his fun. I'm sure he never planned to make this permanent.

I need advise - many of our friends (especially girlfriends) have distanced from my unfaithful wife. All of them were very shocked and upset with her public behavior and disrespect towards me. All of them were trying to save the kids/family. They are now upset that my WS (wife) is still lying to them and manipulating the discussions they had on this topic.

I am positive, my wife is feeling isolated. Should I request them to talk to her? Most of them are tired of advising her to stay and rebuild the marriage. Please advise! Thank you!

The fact that SHE was very upset is a good thing. The reason she is STILL upset is due to the FOG. The crackhead will always be upset as long as he still high on crack. Your wife is still high on crack. Even so, the most angry cheaters eventually simmer down somewhat. When their affair ends, they are not angry any more.

Her family is upset because they do not understand the benefit of exposure. It is your job to SELL them on exposure. Exposure is the best thing you can do.

It sounds like she has good friends. Good people don't want to hang around people who are being bad. Most cheaters lose most of their real friends until they stop cheating. Just leave it alone.

I have been observing that my unfaithful wife is doing discriminatory treatment towards my two daughters. She is relatively nicer to the elder compared to the younger. It was opposite pre-exposure. My younger one also feels the same way. Last night, my younger one was acting out as she was not allowed to go for a sleepover.

I had to play a bit of an emotional game to calm her down. During this, my younger daughter mentioned that papa if you had not told so many people, Mamma would not have so upset, angry with you. And she would have stayed back. I probed to know who told her this. She admitted that Mamma told her this. So my wife is playing a bit of game here. Exposing to seven family friends, her parents and her brother has become the focal point of my in-laws and her discussion.

We saw two counselors and both endorsed my unfaithful wife's point of view that it should have been disclosed to so many people and kids. They keep pointing to the counselor's point. I tried to give them a printout of Exposure 101 but they refused to take. I spoke to another counselor over the phone, and she also advised that revenge exposure mostly deteriorates the chances of reconciliation. I did not share this with them. Just wanted to update and see if any thoughts on this.

The counselors views are not true, we have thousands of recovered marriages on this forum who attribute that to exposure. Exposure is simply the most effective tool in saving marriages from infidelity. I seriously doubt either of these counselors has much experience, if any, with infidelity. Dr Harley, on the other hand is a licensed clinical psychologist with 50 years experience at saving marriages from infidelity. He is the author of best selling books on marriage. Your "counselors" have no idea what they are talking about. This is one of the reasons why most marriage counselors are so destructive to marriages, they have an 85% failure rate.

Secondly, the purpose of exposure is not "revenge." It is to shine sunlight on mold. Any "counselor" who is experienced with saving marriages from infidelity would know this. Like Dr Harley said in his article:


Instead of opinion shopping, which it sounds like you are doing, why not read through Dr Harley's material and OWN your actions? You are second guessing yourself which is leaving you wide open to attacks from a self serving wayward mind. Of course your wayward wife does not like exposure! Her affair thrived on secrecy!

Also the notion that your wife is leaving because of exposure is ridiculous. She is manipulating you by saying this; she will do anything to blame you for all of her bad behavior. If she wanted to stay, wild horses would not stop her. She is leaving for one reason and one reason only: to carry on her affair.

Thank you for reconfirming. I have left both the counselors as I realized both were more keen on their business. I regret taking my wife to them. She still quotes them to justify her affair. Thx

This is exactly WHY we strongly recommend against going to "counseling." We have many, many examples on this forum of destructive advice given to couples by well meaning, but woefully inexperienced "counselors." They do not understand the fog created by the affair and as such, tend to give very bad advice. As you have discovered, your WW is using that bad advice to punish you.

Gname

You have to do a comprehensive exposure as Melodylane has advised. From reading the thread it looks like you have been hesitant or not done it. Here is a chacklist. Just listing. Hear from veterans first. Let the veterans comment on my this post first to make sure you do the right thing. Your situation has moved me and I felt compelled to write this post. I am not a veteran. I have read this forum for nearly 4 years and I have a situation also.

Expose to:
1. all OM’s friends. you said you exposed to a couple of his friends. That is not enough. Find them on internet, all social media networks even if he kicked you out on WhatsApp. You may even find some on LinkedIn and send message through FB …you may even find his high schools friends. Type his name in Google and find his relatives but I think you know all of all of them since you said he was a close friend.
You mentioned he is your friend from college days. Don’t you know his friends, classmates/professors, etc. whether they were common friends or not?
2. the clients, partners, any employees of the business your WW and OM own. People have to know that this business is owned by people who have trashed their marriages and have borrowed money from your marriage to start it.
3. all your common friends with OM. You mentioned only a few of them know and 6 families. You have known this guy forever. Don’t you know all his circles?
4. OM’s son and daughter. you mentioned you are positive his mother told them. You have be 100% percent sure and it is even great if they hear from you. Never assume anything in affairs.
5. Does OM have any grand parents?
6. All his community. You said a few know in his community. Tell everyone. OM will feel the pressure if his community knows.
7. Many of his neighbors you mentioned they are acquaintances of yours.
8. You said “I suspect my in-laws will talk to him. I suspect my wife will let them talk to him.”. No do not suspect. Tell your-laws to it. Any of his aunts or uncle aka older relatives.
9. OM’ relatives. you said you exposed to his mother, brother, sister and his wife. Not enough. Is his dad still around? Are these the only relatives he has?
10. In your neighborhood you told 1 family. You left 8 families. Everyday these people will have wrong reasons why your marriage ended if they do not know. They will think it was you in the wrong.
11. Inform the office through exposure letter in guidelines. Inform the office will definitely have a HUGE impact on the affair. This is too good to be missed. Do you know hoe to find the letter? Also when sending the letter put their bosses, HR, seniors on the letter because if you send it one person the case will be buried.
12. expose telling people including what OM’s wife told you.
13. His IT consulting where they worked together, the employees and their colleagues there.
14. Larger company they joined in 2016. HR, bosses and other employees. See people have to see the picture here …that they came together from one company and continued in the big company together while they. whether feelings had developed affair had started or not. The history is clear though.

You said you do not want the world to know. It is not the whole world but those specified in the guidelines of exposure, family, friends. work place, etc.).. it is the whole world of your family and friends and workplace. I have received advice from Dr Harley to expose otherwise friends will isolate you you thinking and having been told you are the one who did the wrong thing in marriage. If you do not do full exposure it will haunt you in the future in may ways.

On 50% custody she wants…you said the law in New Jersey seems hopeless(never assume in affairs, court and divorce. always get it right, fight for) …even though some states say affairs do not matter it actually matters. My lawyer told me so. The judges notes it and it weighs big time in getting custody. It is super powerful in court and even more so when she gets cross examined on the affair if you ever go to trial. My judge has noted it. I still do not know if I will get custody but you do everything to win. My lawyer has an office in New Jersey too.

Some more advice:
Start recording any conversation you have with your WW or OM.
start putting everything that is happening in a dairy - hand written. do not lose it. make copies. You will need all this in court.
Some people have confronted OM in person and have gone with someone to confront. Every action adds up.
Read every word that Melodylane and the veterans say to you.
Last but not least you said " I tried to give them a printout of Exposure 101 but they refused to take." Gname you have to step up and do everything. You have to have a mentality of getting things done. Put it their post box, below the door, let someone give them without saying it cam from you, or something. In your situation you will soon find out that you have to get this spirit. There are many things waiting for you around thousands of corners to come. Lots of things about kids are waiting, finances, houses, lawyers, court, work, stress, kids's stress, dealing with relatives and friends, lies, manipulation, ..I have already experienced some of these things... ...probably seeing your kids hanging out with AP if you do not kill the affair, AP coming to your kids' weddings, graduations, holding your grand children, AP having new kids with AP stepsister and step brother for your kids, funerals You will blame yourself for not taking advice. My WW's family has experienced OW's presence at a funeral of WH. Not pretty. This is just the beginning.

Listen to what MB and vets tell you to do.

Keep strong.

..additionally…

Indian Context - I know it.
There is one detail you mentioned which I think stands out and is very important and powerful… you said you and her are Indians. Your chances of killing her affair are very good because if you expose to her families, friends, family friends, school friends and college friends , uncles and aunties in India, villagers or people from the neighborhood she is from - wow! - this will be huge. Extend your expose to those that are called uncles and aunties in India when they are not related by blood. You know what I mean. They have a say in families and can influence her.

Same thing if you expose to OM’s side if he is from India. I say village or city neighborhood because there in India the nature and context of neighborhoods are different from West. The culture in India is tough. It is not forgiving. The reaction will put your WW into tantrums for a long time and it will ultimately kill the affair. She probably will never have am affair again. She will probably not visit India alone or with OM which also might give you a chance to save the marriage as she may want to go/visit with you and kids. You know what will happen(reaction) the day she steps in India and days she will stay there. Everywhere she will walk or go all eyes will be on her. The eyes will be on her family members too. All this is very good for you. You know how it is in India. You get the point.

If her brother’s friends get to know of the affair also it will not be pretty for her from the brother. Anything that can kill the affair Sir.

I am not a veteran. I will let veterans take over and refine tactics you have to perform.

Read Exposing to Children and listen to the radio clips in here.

Weirdsituation made some good points about documentation. As far as exposure, I definitely would expand out on exposures to the OM's family and friends. You should try to enlist his family to help you kill this affair. We have had affairs killed by family pressure so I would use it however you can. Even if you reach out to his parents, it would have an effect. You can't be fearful and scared about this. You are fighting for your marriage and your children's family. You need to do what is right. Your marriage can recover from your wife's anger over exposure; it can't recover from an ongoing affair, so you need to be applying maximum pressure on the affair.

I realize you are being pressured about exposure by your wayward wife and her family but keep in mind that none of these people a) understand the benefits of exposure and b) none of their oxes are being gored. It is not THEM who will pay the price if your marriage ends over a temporary affair; it is YOU and your children. You need to step up here and fight this affair and not worry about public approval.

Thank you so much for taking out time for the advice! I reached out to the OM community today. Spoke to one person and he said he has already talked to the guy. As per him, he is not moving and stuck to his ground that he is not interfering, but if I divorce my WW, he will accept her and marry. She also mentioned that now that 4/5 other families now know there. None are coming forward to talk to the OM yet.


I reached out to one of his business contacts. No luck there but I will follow up again.


I reached out to one of his close friend today. He mentioned that many in the OM circle already know and they are planning to talk to him. He may also visit from Texas to NJ in person and talk to him


OM ex-wife informed her daughter who is 11 years old. OM mother knows and I learned that she advised against it. His dada expired a few years ago.


Thank you for the advice. Please pass me the contact of your law office in NJ.

I will read your other advices and attempt to implement as many. thank you!

Thank you Melodylane. I will start working on wider exposure. Do you also recommend to expose to my remaining neighbors? Most of our close friends know but not all the neighbors. Only one knows. I did on purpose to ensure that she is not living on shame on a daily basis. Also, I also have a fear that some may stop sending kids to my home.

Overall daily living updates besides my response on the actions above.

I stopped actively pursuing 180 based on the advice on this forum (MelodyLane). Its coincidence that me stopping 180, reading "Surviving an Affair" Jon/Sue story and my WS coming to me and talking happened on the same day and night. I had followed 180 for 2 weeks. After she came to me to talk, I gave her reassurance that all will be good in marriage, etc. She continued saying I am leaving so don't live in lala land, build hope for the kids, etc. I ignored whatever she said. I went to her room (we are in a separate room for the past 6 weeks) the next two days and slept next to her in the morning. She started a rant on a mild-loud voice again, etc. I stopped going to her room as kids are getting scared.

For the past couple of days, I am having minimal interactions with her. She comes from office and does no acknowledgment of my presence. I also do not say anything to her. Because of her this behavior, I also keep going through the roller coaster ride if I stay with her or not. Overall my intent is to stay because of kids but this feeling is now getting weaker (seems). Please advice!

Also, her parents have almost given up on her. I had a long conversation with them in the last two days. They are now telling me that seems like I will have to live with two kids in the future. They are extremely nervous too. I spoke to OM fiend in front of them (not telling this friend that they are listening). OM friend expressed his shock and told them he always thought that two of us were the ideal couple and always loving.

My thoughts:
Are you using the exposure letter when reaching out? It is OK that you spoke to your friend but the impact is from sending her the letter. It is OK that you spoke to your friend but the impact is from sending her the letter. The letter has a big impact. People will remember it. People can forward it. It can be shown to other people. The words in it are powerful. More important is that it is coming directly from you them. The 4/5 families have to hear directly from you. She may even send the letter to the other families and her friends. The spreading of the news through email has impact. It is also personal. Even if you know his mother already knows still use all the contents of the letter(I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.) All you need is full and powerful impact.

You remind me of myself when I came across the is forum and Exposure 101. I thought it can be done my way. With time I realized that the veterans and Dr. Harley had done great research and have experience to come up with the exposure guidelines and the contents of the letters.

Here is the letter.

Dear friend of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

My Thoughts:
How have you reached him? What did you say? Are you following exposure guidelines or you are using your own ways? Are you using this workplace exposure letter? It works for exposure targets: the company they were employed, their company and his company. For the later two targets you can send it to some of the people in the companies. If I am not mistaken OM and WW have taken romantic trip in disguise as business trips. The resources /money of the company they were employed, their company and his company were used. The payments/money from his clients, partners business contacts were used.

Remember in your case they even used your family resources to start their business. Do these business contacts know this


You have it all in this quote.

The letter...
To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Great. Reach out to many and all. Reach out to more to all his business contacts you can find. Research contacts and reach out. Remember that anyone you reach out will tell someone. I would not worry about luck. Not reaching back to you is not that "important" though it would be good if they do. The "importance" is that OM will fell the pressure somehow. How his business contacts will look at him when they meet. How they will not let their wives or husbands near him. ...how they may isolate him from parties. These are things that are silent and powerful. So.. just get people informed through exposure. You know when you have done something wrong and somehow you know and feel that this person knows it. That is the result you need. Emotional intelligence will tell OM.

Great news. Did you use the exposure letter? reach more of his friends. Are doing trickle exposure? Trickle exposure is a mistake. You need to take time to exposure - 3 hours / overnight or a stretch of time. Get it done once. Once you get far wide exposure you can move on to other important things. Trust me there are many things waiting for you. Full exposure will make anything that follow easier whether it is divorce, custody, your career, self esteem to get your work and life done, court, no fear when meeting people knowing it is not yourself who destroyed the family, etc.

See this from Exposure 101 Guidelines - https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2566583/exposure-101-your-most-powerful-weapon.html#Post2566583:

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes �who???� When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won�t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won�t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person �has no influence over my WS� even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON�T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don�t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are �crazy� �jealous�. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

My thoughts:
It is good OM mother knows. What is powerful is if she gets to know it from you. You have a long friendship history with OM and you must know how to reach his mother on your own. Take matters into your own hands. Even if she has been informed you still have to do it yourself. Hearing from you will have impact. Same with other people you are saying they have been informed by other people. It is your responsibility to reach people. Horse's mouth. Imagine this yourself ... 15 years from now when you kids have families - a BH/BW reaches out directly to you saying your daughter or son is an OW or OM, please stop her or her. What will you do or feel. What will be the future of your family look like. That is the power of it.

People will also likely help or take action if they hear from you.

Happy to. Let me get a response from Vets on how to do it.

Veterans and Melodylane how do you advice I pass this info? How do I go about it? Private message is disabled. Are there any privacy issues to be concerned about concerning my thread and if Gname(any poster for that matter) knows my name? Or I just pass the info to someone from the MB you recommend.

Make sure you do it with the approval of the veterans. I am writing from what I have mostly read and think is right. For example I say OM's clients should know. Veterans may say no do not do it. Veterans feel free to correct my advice. There more of ideas than anything. I will not take it the wrong way at all.

Update: I have realized that conversation over the phone and chat is better. I sent her text that let's go out with the kids and have dinner along with my in-laws.

Her response was that let's not built incorrect expectations with the kids. Hence cancel the plan. She also doesn't want to send kids to a friends place who have stopped sending their kids to our home. Things have started suffocating now.

I think she may be falling in depression but ready to pick a fight at the drop of the hat. She is complaining of a headache every day after coming from the office.

“
Thank you Melodylane. I will start working on wider exposure. Do you also recommend to expose to my remaining neighbors? Most of our close friends know but not all the neighbors. Only one knows. I did on purpose to ensure that she is not living on shame on a daily basis. Also, I also have a fear that some may stop sending kids to my home.
”

No, I would not expose to any neighbors unless they are close friends who can have an influence over your wife. The point is to garner support for your marriage. I would focus on the OM’s side at this point. Expose to his Facebook friends and reach out to his family. See if his parents will assist you in busting up this affair.

“For the past couple of days, I am having minimal interactions with her. She comes from office and does no acknowledgment of my presence. I also do not say anything to her. Because of her this behavior, I also keep going through the roller coaster ride if I stay with her or not. Overall my intent is to stay because of kids but this feeling is now getting weaker (seems). Please advice!”

You need to be very patient with this. It will take time and strategy to turn this around. If she is not responding in a few MONTHS then you can consider going into Plan B, a complete separation. But you have nothing to lose by hanging in there and competing with the OM dirtbag for a few months. Kick back and be strategic! Tell your in laws that there is really a lot of hope and they should not be so eager to give up.

Also, I would make up a list of exposure targets for the OM and get it all knocked out tomorrow. You need to get this done in one day. Please read the thread linked in my signature about Facebook exposures. And did you see my suggestion about enlisting the help of his parents and other family members? Are you using my talking points in your exposures? You need to be asking for their help in your discussions. That will motivate them to be more proactive.

You have the right idea! I would start smaller and try to initiate pleasant conversations with her. It will take time to break the ice. And whatever you do, don’t allow her to drag you into a fight. Be pleasant, pleasant, pleasant! The dirty rat OM will mess up eventually and you want to be the pleasant, attractive one!

Thank you Melodylane!

I need advice on how honest I need to be with my in-laws? I am noticing that they try to paint a grim picture to me that she is not planning to stay. I express my thoughts that I am planning to stay for kids and maybe revealing more that I should. All friends are advising that I should not trust the in-laws much and do not try to take their support. I sometimes feel that I am getting fooled by them collectively. Please advice!

- I reached out to the OM mother today and she refused to do any further. She said I don't want to come in the middle. She said that she has already advised her son against it. She refused to share her other son's number.
- I also sent WhatsApp to few other friends of the OM. Haven't heard a response from them yet.

I think you need to expect that anything you say to them will be repeated to your wife which can be a very good thing. You can tell them anything you want her to hear. In that case, I would tell them you fully plan to stay around and fight for your marriage.

But also throw in some very dismal statistics about affairs that they can pass onto their daughter. Tell them you are very, very "concerned" about your wife's future because you know her affair is doomed. Tell them that 95% of affairs die in the initial 2 years after they are exposed. The ones that make it to marriage - "affairages" - have an 85 % divorce rate within 5 years. They are horrible, miserable relationships because the traits that made the affair possible, deceit, dishonesty, thoughtlessness and selfishness always make their way into the affair.

Also, throw in the fact about how disappointed you are that your children's mother is role modeling adultery. Surely, they have considered how this devastating this is to their grandchildren.

Other than that, you need to use your best judgement and discernment. You need them on your side but if you feel they are not, then use your best judgement.

Thats great! The mother will probably tell her son and that will shake him up. I would get this wrapped up asap so it is not dragged out.

Make it impossible for her to get 50%. Also do anything to kill her plans without warning. Make it very hard for her plans. If you ever get divorced and get full custody it will be interesting to see how devastating for your in-laws it will be because they have not been willing to help. They will not have access to the kids anytime they want. In my case this is freaking out my WW.

Take note of these things she wants or is saying. It gives you some picture of her plans and why she is planning that way. By saying she wants 50% it gives you a picture of what she afraid of whether it is shame of losing custody, not wanting to pay alimony or child support to you, etc.

If you get custody AP and her will have to pay child support assuming they end up together which is a big lose for them even if he is wealthy. Plan to get lots of wins.

She is planning. Beat her on planning ahead by planning ahead first. Be proactve and not reactive to her plans. In being proactive or anything you do, do not just do things on your own without advice. If you do without advice you will make lots of mistakes that will pay a big price you in court, kids, etc. It has has happened to me and my WW. You will need advice from the lawyer and MB.

Put her in position where she has to be reactive. Not for the sake of it. One person who has been through a bad divorce told me that in general women than men are better than in planning ahead. I do not know if it true but in my case it is what happened. My WW has been doing this but I stepped up and it has shocked and has thrown her off balance big time.

Weirdsituation, I don't want him to file for divorce. There may never be a divorce at all so he doesn't need to push it. Sure, if she does file, he will need to react, but he shouldn't start that ball rolling when it may never happen. He will still have the advantage if she files first because she is in the fog; he is not.

We are not trying to get him divorced, we are trying to save his marriage.

I commend you for this. You have now stepped up. Now you are in control of your destiny. It is one thing(not stepping up) I was nervous about in your situation. Note that AP and WW have been in control al along. Things have changed.

Remind yourself that you have a long history of friendship with this AP and that there is no way you can get anything you want about his friends or family. But I do understand your are in trauma and shock. The things that are obvious to those not in trauma are not obvious to you. When I was in the same trauma I just could not do simple things like or think of simple things. Even now. Sometimes just to get motivation to do a simple task is still an uphill for me. You would know his brother's name, company he works for and call him there, his FB profile - message him, Linkedin profile - you will find the company he works, Your common friends can help you get his number. if you try one way and it does not work find another. Lets just say his brother should have been one of the first people to have heard from you about the affair by now


Why not send messages through FB also? FB is extremely powerful. Its viral is more effective than WhatsApp at least for now. The reason FB is used so much in marketing. Did you put a family picture on your FB cover profile? Friends will keep coming to your FB profile also and then search her profile and WW profile. It makes people share and the reciepients will do the same. The sight of your family on FB has great impact on people's psychology. People will think like "Oh, let me talk to WW about her acts. Oh, let me talk to AP about his acts. Oh, aunt these are the kids! AP destroyed this family! How could AP/WW do that? Oh, it could happen to me also, I do not want my wife or husband near AP or WW.! I do not want to see or hang out with AP or WW. again." Thousands of thoughts will emerge. You just do not know which ones. You will be stimulating thoughts and actions that will help kill the affair.

Thanks.

Quick Update from today: We had reasonable peaceful day y'day.

I woke up this morning and went to her room and lied next to her with an intent to talk and know her mind. She still did not let me touch but mentioned that she did very bad to me by cheating.

She continued to say that its best for both of us is to keep our pride intact and move forward by separating. She also mentioned that the OM called her y'day and told that I reached out to her mom and other friends in the last two days. And she openly admits that she will be in touch with him. She wants me to agree that this is a mutual agreement for divorce. I disagreed and told her that it's her choice to go out then she should project it that way to kids. She repeated that you exposed my private life in details among the friends, hence, she can't stay anymore. She wants to project a strong women image to the kids by going out someone she liked. Someone has told her that I am a weak person (guess OM). I told her that my strength is not by letting the family break apart but by keeping it together. My conversation with her was mostly cordial except in the end when she started saying a weak person, etc.

Her father (my in-law) had advised that next time we both should talk together in front of them. So I took her in their room and updated her with the conversation. I told them I am ready to be together in different rooms until the kids are together. She doesn't want to fake and live. She also mentioned that she is tired of asking me not to speak to more people. She just wants to now move on. Her parent advised her to take more time.

We left the whole discussion there.

Gnape, I would let her know that adultery is not a private matter. It is like divorce, it affects many ppl so many should know. (Call it adultery in your discussions) Also, if there is nothing wrong with her adultery then what is wrong with spreading the good news? Ask her, is there something wrong with people knowing about your adultery?

Let her know you will not be cooperating with any divorce action. Tell her you will get a good men’s lawyer and fight her all the way. She is hoping you will roll over for her. Make sure sh knows you will not cooperate with the destruction of your marriage and children’s family.

You need to BE SURE to explain to your children that your W wants to separate so she can be with her adultery partner. Do this alone and do it SOON because she plans on lying to them about this being a “mutual decision.” Your kids need to know that you object. Otherwise your wife will teach them that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle choice. I seriously doubt you want your children to grow up and destroy their families by committing adultery.

Get this done ASAP before she has a chance to spin it.

And you have absolutely no reason to include your in-laws in your discussions. That is unreasonable.

Thank you Melody!

Two nights ago, kids had a sleepover at a friends place. I did tell her this and positive development was that she was politer than a week ago. I noticed less inclination to trigger for a fight on that day. In fact, I was aggressive when I said this, she was milder and told me that I am not ready to listen to her. She had walked into my room advising that as a friend she would like to advise me to put a positive face in front of the friends otherwise they will move away. She is always trying to be chirpy and laughing as if nothing happened. I retorted back saying I can't put an all good face if things have crumbled from inside. Subsequently, I went and told her sorry for raising my voice. I also asked to come in sleep on my bed. I also hugged her a bit but did not feel like doing it so let her sleep.

After that its mostly quiet until this morning I had an argument with my mother in law. I admit that I said something which was judgemental against my unfaithful wife and she went on a rant. I realized that i can't be too friendly and expect them to be on my side all the time.

I had consultation with the OM ex-wife's lawyer y'day. She heard my case and was aghast with the kind of betrayal I had. She recommended that if this comes to divorce, she recommends making this at-fault - adultery case. I may not gain much but the OM will get dragged to the court. She also mentioned that the kid's custody will become a special evaluation case and will go for it as it is a top priority for me.


I did speak to my kids and have them updated the latest development and her mother's preference.


I realized my mistake by talking to them today. I had an argument with my Mother-in-law. I need to avoid any further conversations with them.

Thanks for the update. Gname, I would be real careful about raising your voice with your wife and getting into skirmishes with your inlaws. Remember, your objective is to be the most pleasant guy around. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak the truth, but be respectful and strategic about it. For example, you should use the word adultery when discussing your wife's affair with her. Be firm and straightforward, but always respectful.

Avoid arguments with your inlaws. You need them on your side.

ALSO, I would move back into your bed. That is your bedroom. You have no reason to leave your own bed.

Bravo!!! Good for you. I would speak to your wife about this too. You want her to take this tale to the OM and scare him. Tell her if this goes to divorce, you will be suing on grounds of adultery and will bring in the OM and force him to testify under oath about his adultery. This will give her many second thoughts about getting a divorce. She is in a fog and is hoping you will just roll over and let her shaft you. Her objective is to replace you with this dirtbag. You will slow her down and cause her to rethink this if you tell her you will be fighting against any divorce action.


Good job!!

The lawyer can also subpoena the OM's emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! Just tell her that so she will repeat it back to the OM.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice!

Just to confirm quickly - should I inform my wife about all these? My concern is that her OM is very resourceful and also supported by money. As per his ex-wife's lawyer, this guy has a history for fraud such as signing for others, etc. If he knows all these, he will start planning his defense/offense.

Another quick update on OM side. I sent a facebook message to his brother, sister-in-law, sister and brother-in-law. I also reached out to six of his friends. His friends were aware of this and are truly disappointed with his act. They said he is very selfish and this act was one of the extreme anyone could do. All these friends have disapproved this person action and planning to talk to him again.

Y'day the OM mother texted me to provide my wife's number. She wanted to speak. I learned from his mother that my wife did not pick up the phone.

I just received a text message from OM -

This matter involves 3 and ONLY 3 people - you, xxx and me. I have considered restraining order on you for your actions but that may impact your immigration status and my intention is not to hurt you in any way over and above the feeling of hurt you are already carrying.

This was never personal between you and me because the basis of this relationship was not to cause anyone harm. None of us would wantonly hurt anyone. A situation involving 2 consenting adults has happened and we are where we are. 3+ months have passed since this has come out and reality needs to sink in and accepted for everyone to move on in life.

Hope healing starts soon and sanity prevails all around.

Yes, you should tell her all the things you discussed here so she will repeat it to the OM. Hopefully it will never come to divorce but it will put him on the defense and scare the hell out of your wife. YOUR WIFE will be the one who is dragged through the courts. So the OM might like the fight, but it is your wife who will get the beating! See, the OM thinks you will just roll over and allow him to replace you. You need to let them both know it wont' be so easy.

Lay it on thick and embellish as much as you can!

Sounds like you hit the target! Just keep up the exposures [if you are not done yet] and don't let his idle threats bother you. He can't get a restraining order against you for informing other people. Secondly, it is not against the law to tell the truth in America.

Not that he would ever do it, but if he DID file a restraining order or pull something, this would all be exposed in OPEN COURT! That would be a win for you! Waywards always make empty threats but they would be the biggest losers if they ever file a legal action - because their affair would be exposed in an open court of law!!

This is great news!!! You are putting some great pressure on the affair, Gname. Keep up the good work!

Text him back and say this:

"Hi OM, actually your affair with my wife does not only involve 3 people. It involves my children, family, your family and friends. Your affair with my wife has no future because you will be eternally hated by my children and their family. I have no reason to hide your dirty secrets for you. You like secrets but I don't. If you don't want people to know what you have done to my family and yours with your adultery, maybe you shouldn't have done it. Your threats missed the mark. "

Be sure and bring this all up to your wife! Let her know that his friends are disgusted with his behavior. Tell her: "OM's mother texted me and wanted your # because she wants to speak to you. She is not very happy about all this."

If she protests your exposure, say: "I felt his friends should know so they can protect their marriages from him. After all, the OM might come after their wives too!"

Lay it on thick and make her think!! If he would have an affair with her, he would have an affair with their wives too!

The facts/evidence can trump resourcefulness and money. Fraud often gets a person imprisoned. Ammunition to you.

Can you tell the mother to try different ways to call WW' phone.g. use a different number WW does not know, hide caller ID, call by Skype to the number, call from someone's office/home? The end goal is to have OM's mother get through to WW no matter what it takes.

Are you taking sets of screen shots of OM’ text and keeping them safe? He is digging his own hole by sending texts to you. He is giving you ammunition against him. He just admitted to adultery, scaring you, etc.
One way to keep records and private info is to set up a new secret Gmail email address and use the Google drive to store screen shots, texts, any recordings, emails, evidence, etc. You probably will not want WW to have access. She was in IT consulting and she may know all ways to hack your info.

Thank you! Yes, I am stacking them safely.


Thank you for the advice. She is too dumb/lazy for all these. She existed in IT due to this OM who was her manager for a brief period.

Update: My unfaithful spouse came home from the office today. I told her what all I messaged and spoke to the OM friends. She said she is tired now with all these, so stop.

My response was - the fun has started now. The guy thought that he can live peacefully. Unfortunately, the OM crossed a wrong guy.

She said that for sure she doesn't want to live with me.
I asked what is stopping you.
She said mutual agreement.
I said no mutual agreement.
I am not asking you to move out but you are free to will to go and file for divorce as you desire to move out. I also said I will see her in court and this will be ugly.
I told her that he threatened me with the immigration issue.
I told her that in case you speak him, ask him to save his citizenship (he is acquired a few years ago).

Keep the antennas up. She can get help from OM or ex colleagues. When it comes to these situations people do the unthinkable.

Gname, are you doing trickle exposure? I ma ybe wrong but I seem to sense this. How many OM's friends have you reached out to in total? How many people on WW's side have you reached out to? Is there something that is holding you from full/wide exposure? Time?


Gname, keep this in mind.

Do you understand plan A? You need to be the best husband you can be who is fighting for his marriage. Don't be a bully. Your arguments should be that adultery is wrong, breakinh up a marriage will damage your kids and that you will do anyhing to save your marriage and keep adultery out.

Don't show her you are indifferent if she moves out. Be the best husband you can be. You can say that her adultery had hurt you and your children and that you are willing to create a fantastic marriage without OM in the picture. Paint the picture how your future will be without adultery. Don't scare her into staying married.
There are three ways to motivate someone. The worst option is punishment, the second option is reward/payment (like most jobs) and the best option is to make someone want to do it. Show her how good your marriage can be without adultery.

Take Melody's advice.

Stop doing 180 unless you want to make your wife miserable (and kill your chances of saving your marriage). Why would she stay with a husband that makes her feel miserable? Your strategy is to kill the affair and safe your marriage. Exposure is the best weapon to kill the affair. Plan A is the best way to show her that your marriage is worth saving. It you do 180, what would be her motivation to stay married?

Thank you Goodyshoe for the reminder for Plan A. This week was my breaking point. It may be also because for some reason she has backed off and been polite this week. The trigger point was the threat message coming from the OM. I had a late-night conversation with my unfaithful wife. Seems like they may have colluded on that message. I am personally seeing less hope in saving this marriage now. She is openly saying that I am talking to the OM on a daily basis and I will not stay. She just needs a mutual agreement for the divorce. I did put my share of love with her last night saying I feel bad that she is in the middle of this fight with the OM. Unfortunately, she is the one who started all these. I am not going to back down and have his life so easy.

Relationship talk is of no use as long as she is in the affair. It is like arguing with a drunk, no good comes of it.

If she mentions something about what you did 'wrong', like exposure, respond by saying affairs are devastating and you want to build a wonderful future without adultery. Then switch to a different topic, the weather is wonderful, let's get an ice cream.

Have your responses and reactions ready. Don't have an angry outburst. Be a better, more attractive option than OM. If the affairs crumbles, she will fall back on your marriage, or divorce anyway. Be the best alternative. Read the love buster section, avoid them.

Gname, tell her you don't agree to divorce so there will no mutual agreement. You will only discuss how to make your marriage great. Tell her if this goes to divorce, you will let the lawyers duke that out. And be sure and tell her what I told you to tell her yesterday about filing on grounds of adultery and hauling the OM into court to give sworn testimony under oath about his adultery. I need you to read through the posts I made yesterday and tell her these things.

Are you reading my posts? It is extremely important that you hold your cool and be as attractive as possible while fighting the affair. You are in Plan A! Don't fight with her.

Yes, I have told her that mutual agreement is not a case at all. I have also told her that I am not asking to move out. In the same length, I have told her that if you want to go and file, I can't prevent that. On second thought, I should not have said this.


I did tell her this y'day. And I told her that this divorce will not be easy on the OM. My intent is not to hurt the mother of my child but the scumbag who dragged her into this. This morning she said that I should come to peace as karma will catch for us both (WS and OM). I told her the message you wrote y'day.


I am reading all your posts multiple times. Sometimes I go out of alignment as my emotions take over. Your suggestions are a lifeline for me at this time. Thank you so much for taking out time for all the suggestion/post you do for me.

Thanks, Gname. I understand completely how hard it is to maintain control of your emotions. But you must maintain control and be strategic. Your wife and the OM have no plan, but you do. They are flying by the seat of their pants.


Your intent is to prevent your wayward wife from destroying your marriage and your children's family for her sleazy affair. I want to point out that you are not dealing with your normal wife,, you are dealing with a WAYWARD WIFE who is intoxicated on an affair. You should liken her to a drunk driver who is driving with her family in the back seat. She is selfish and destructive.


Your wife desperately wants you to roll over and be "friends" while she and the OM destroy your lives. The cheaters want you to make it easy for THEM. They don't care about the wreckage caused by their selfishmess. Just keep making it clear you won't be cooperating. There is no virtue in allowing selfish adulterers to tear apart 2 families. They have destroyed one family and are now coming after yours.

So difficult to follow Plan A on days especially when your unfaithful wife openly starts admitting that talking to OM and possibly meeting. It's depressing.

I would ask her to stop seeing him. Say "it hurts me and the kids very much when you associate with your adultery partner. Please stop hurting me." I would bring this up in front of your kids too. Your kids need to know she is still seeing the enemy of their family.

Dr. Harley recommends talking to your doctor about getting on temporary ADs (anti-depressants) or anti-anxiety meds during Plan A.

Thank you Brian and Melody.

Question - what are the sign that unfaithful wife is coming out of Fog and her affair is crumbling?

She's still in contact with him. She will not come out of the fog until some time after all contact ceases.

hmmm seems then never. She is openly admitting to her parents that she is in contact with him. Her parents are advising me to start preparing to live with kids.

However, she sometimes comes to me tries to talk to me nicely as if she cares.

So, what do you do?

You plan A her while respectfully demanding she end the affair and sever all contact.

The plan is to take her out of withdrawal with you, and into conflict.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/conflict.htm

Hopefully, at the same time, she will be driven into conflict or withdrawal with her affair partner, and the same with his state of mind with her.
When this happens, the affair will erode due to rampant love-busting behavior.

You have the advantage due to marital and family history and children.


This will be a marathon, sir. Not a sprint.

Once you wrest her away, there may be a dip where she may go into withdrawal again - but you must keep plan A up!

When you eliminate the competition, and meet her needs to a degree that she is in conflict or intimacy with you, the fog will begin lift.

Your inlaws are giving you bad advice so just ignore it. Your marriage is far from over. Her relationship with the OM is doomed. You need to let your inlaws know that your marriage has a much greater chance of surviving than the affair. 65% of marriages survive affairs, 95% of affairs fall apart. Ask them to support your marriage and not her affair.

Just take it slow and do your best to be as attractive as possible. The OM will screw up eventually.

As you continue to listen to the great advice here and attract your WW back. Read wifedivorcing's thread. It's a very good read.

Quick update: it’s almost a ritual now that I try to lay down with her on her bed once a week on Saturday or Sunday. This week I did on both the days . Saturday was mostly peaceful. she mentioned getting tired and do not want to talk anything nasty.

This morning i was holding and talking to her. She mentioned that she can live without such a hug for a long time. I said good habit and living alone will be better than going in dirt. Just in case you decide to leave. This triggered her a bit. i talked about doing to friends in Connecticut and sending kids there. She doesn't want to go there as all friends know. I said I am going.

This triggered and she went on a rant again that you are not my man and blackened your own face by letting her friends know. I am holding back on divorce and not making a decision. I told her that she is a free person and can do what she wants. She continued to say why why can't you mutually agree. I said if you file for divorce, I will do necessary that need to get done by me in court. She kept ranting after that also along with the kids. My elder daughter told her that our fun is ruined and people are not inviting us. Rant for a few mins went on and on. This was our Sunday morning.

I have noticed one thing, every time I show some love or affection, she start acting pricey and start throwing tantrums

I am positive that me trying to show love and affection to her is being seen as weakness and she gets emboldened to start ranting.

No, it confuses her. She has been demonizing you for a long time in order to justify her affair. When you are nice, it ruins that narrative. She is trying to bait you into a fight! This is CLASSIC wayward behavior. Don't fall for it!

Be sure and don't talk about anything nasty. Be as inviting as possible EXCEPT when divorce comes up!


That is good!


Good for her!!

Just hang in there, Gname. This is a marathon, not a sprint. When you are in the state of conflict it is a good thing.

Thank you Melody.

What I fail to understand how mad one can be to say I went out to blacken my face by crying to people and gaining sympathy of others. Not sure where she gets such audacity to say such things. I get shocked to hear such things. She repeats that it was a family matter and could have stayed in family. Such as crass she has turned into that it makes me thinks twice if my approach of reconciling with her is correct.

I am leaving for business trip today to CA. My younger daughter told her y’day by mistake. She seems very happy that I will be going out for 2-3 days. My in-laws and kids are still at home.

she made some nice Indian cuisine lunch that I did not eat, however asked if she can pack it for me to eat at the airport. She promptly got up and made two rolls of it. For the past two weeks she cocked food on the weekend and asked me have lunch which I avoided.

Before leaving for the airport I gave hug to the kids and also asked her to come close for hug and told her that 3 1/2 months have passed and it’s time to get over all mess and start thinking of kids future.

She replied lots of mess here I have created by telling people so I have made decision to leave. My elder one got angry with her and told to keep quiet as she has not done anything about leaving but giving some empty threat. I asked my daughter to not talk as she is an adult and cane make her decision. My elder verbally thrashed her by saying if you have made decision, move forward with paperwork to leave home. She said a few more things which I could not hear.

She text me after

- Gname high time you realize we cannot be together
- Things that have happened between us are irreparable
- Don’t give false hopes to kids

I replied
- Talk to them and tell them not to be hopeful

She replied
- I hv always told them that I will be leaving the house

Gname, I would not lecture your daughters when they say truthful things to your wife. They have a right to express their disappointment to her. As long as they are respectful, they should be allowed. And your daughters know their mother is an "adult," that does not make her actions correct.

And why hasn't your wife left yet? So far I agree with your daughter that it is an empty threat. And it sounds to me like she is still trying to blame you for her leaving.

She knows very well who has the BLACKENED NAME here and it is not you!

Another update - she called me at the airport and tried to say the same things in other words such as I feel terrible in standing next to you in any friends gathering. I want to keep my leftover pride intact by leaving. She also said that it will also give me some pride. I did not respond much and disconnected in the pretext of security.

But she mentioned that I have some attachment because we have lived together for 15 years. And don’t let it be one reason for soft or weakness.

I disconnected the line to avoid lengthy conversation

She is rethinking her decisions... I love that your daughters are giving her hell! That is one of the most positive developments you have going.

When she calls, be as pleasant as possible and try guiding her to more positive subjects. Let her talk. Conversation is a very effective way of meeting a woman's needs.

Thank you Melody. What is the best response when she said you have made it impossible for me to stand next to you among the friends. You have exposed me everywhere. I have to protect my pride now.

I'm sorry you feel that way... hmmmm Just understand that she is saying this to punish you. You can't let it bother you.

Thank you Melody. In another thread, I learned about Cheaterville.com . Can I post about the OM here? Any legal risk? Do I have to be anonymous? I would love to backdate and post and show it to my WW.

I sent a few text from airplane to my unfaithful spouse.

1. Xxx ((wife name) - think the reasons you told for this grave mistake. You mentioned today that some of what you said was not true.

You know well what is true and what is not. It will help you in clearing clutter of mind. You know well there was no reason for you to do this except you got sucked into an environment where some one was there to manipulate the situation. You let your guard down by importance you received from someone.

2. Don’t forget that the one who manipulated you here had no moral and ethics + he never cared for your well being. Any wrong always gets caught.

3. My counselor advise: See, most Adulterous men don't want trouble from angry husbands. They just want a little side fun and don't give a CRAP about the wayward wife. After all, only the lowest scum would degrade a married woman in such a way. It is obvious he does not care about her. So the idea is to give him as much grief as possible.

4. The lawyer will subpoena the Adulterer scumbag emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! Entire history will come in public domain. Please let them know.

5. My counselor response to your AP was - actually the adultery with your wife does not only involve 3 people. It involves children, family, and friends. This has no future because he will be eternally hated by your children and their family. You have no reason to hide dirty secrets for him. If he didn't want people to know what he has done to your family, he shouldn't have done it. In most of the cases, these secrets are just for side fun even though they claim to be soul mate.

6. OM (other man) don't sign up for mess. They are usually cowards. they only wanted the fun part not the hard part. He will be on the run soon.

The following text came after the above

Her response
- Gname. Stop it
- See what have you done to me
- Forget the other man You have demeaned me completely in front of everyone
- I am very clear on one thing , I was in this relationship willingly
- You or your lawyer what ever you try , I am never going to support any false claim
- You can never force me to do so
- Even if I want to , I cannot stay with you

My text: I am sorry you feel that way.

Her text again
- Because the way you have made me feel and believe how I am
- Nothing can now change that
- You have done whatever you could
- If I so bad what you have told people why are you here

My text: I will certainly go after the scum who destroyed my family

Her text again
- I can’t live with you , with a person who has made me feel so petty
- You almost got me kicked from people
- That is your choice
- I was in this raltionship by choice
- You are wasting your time
- But it’s your choice

My text:
- I only stated the fact and sorry that it hurt you
- It did hurt me beyond imagination and all associated
- Kids will suffer the maot

Her text
- In front of the world ... so that everyone can judge me and throw stones at me
- You are not a man who can handle stuff
- Kids are suffering a lot in this environment
- It is getting toxic for me and for them
- Neither is it Pleasant for you
- You could clearly not handle your woman
- Handling in terms of her feelings, sentiments nothing
- Live your land of principles ... please spare me
- Living every second with you is demeaning to me
- I can only say that your lawyer or counselor is wasting your time and misleading you
- She is an idiot to make a statement of adultry and all
- I was in an affair with him .. you or your advisor can say or claim whatever you want
- I am not going to lie any more

My text
- I have no intention to hurt you
- What's the reality of life - never ever imagined that will ever exchange such messages in life. Life was all good just a few months ago.

Good Morning - some more text exchange:

Gname:
xxx - after re-reading the above, looks like this was purely your initiative to get involved with him than his. He may be lesser culprit here looks like. Let me know. Thx
Wayward Wife:
You can interpret the way you want
Gname:
Ok, have a great day
I have no other purpose but to save the marriage as I believe in a unified family which provides a strong and positive environment for the kids. Our kids deserve an environment what a majority gets especially in an Indian community.
I will fight for it and will not let and outsider break it.
Wayward Wife:
I don’t believe in showoff
Gname:
Maturity and wisdom is not show off
Wayward Wife:
We have shown enough of it
Gname:
Important is to look for the future and provide stability
Wayward Wife:
I can’t live with you please understand
Gname:
I understand you well hence making this effort. You have been a great mother and wife. I will make every effort to make you comfortable to take back that place. A mistake happened and should not break it further.
I understand your current feeling. It will pass and you will overcome the challenges to be same as what you were.
Kids love you and they will love to see their mother always being around them and be their strength.
I am hurt but not out of you. I will equally love you and work on to make you comfortable to lead a normal life as a partner.
Wayward Wife:
I cannot
I am out of this relation
Gname:
And all friends are our friends of marriage.
Wayward Wife:
Ok good continue with them
Gname:
They all there to help and not judge
Wayward Wife:
I don’t need any help
Gname:
I also know that you were never selfish to just walk away. I know your current complex feeling. I also know you are strong to overcome the negativity and rebuild from the ruins
You possess great qualities and strength as a mother. Let’s give the child what they deserve
You would be able to do so by stopping any kind of contact with him. It hurts all associated. By keeping contact, you are hurting yourself and everyone.
You will have an extremely fulfilling life living with your biological child
Counseling is helping me discover as myself. I am a family man and will do all to protect my family.
And xxxx - I know you well. Barring the drift, you are a nice person, mother, and partner. Don’t let the exception ruin your remaining life
And let me also put this that my fight for family also means no easy walk away. So there is no mutual agreed stuff. There is nothing like this. One of the partner initiate. If you do then yes, my lawyer will handle the matter after that. You know me very well how much I give importance to money.
Wayward Wife:
I will be happy if I am away from you
Own it up and move on
Kids will be happy if they are in a happy space
I am not in a happy space with you
And is not possible
Gname:
You are saying this but heart in heart you know you have plenty left at home
Wayward Wife
I don’t
I don’t want to be here
Please understand
Anything that associates to you and us is not good for me
Gname:
Have a wonderful day
Wayward Wife:
Stop trying to warn me
I don’t need your advice, warning or any [censored] from you
You have ruined my remaining life with you
Don’t live in any hope from me
I don’t want to do things till the time I am in this relation
I am still maintaining some decency of our marriage
I can openly start doing things, just to maintain some dignitary of our dying relationship I am avoiding it

Try not to engage in a discussion. Someone who is in an active affair is like an alien. She looks like your wife, but there's someone else inside, invasion of the bodysnatchers. No relationship talk, just pleasant conversation. You cannot convince her with words.

Act as the best version of you. If she mentions something related to the affair, counter that affairs are destructive and you'd rather do *insert activity she likes* and change the subject. Talk about pleasant things.

Here is what I see:
Gname have you read all my posts? Could you reply to all of them and the questions? Your answers will help the veterans give you advice. From your posts, not answering my posts, WW saying all she is saying, and all the content in her texts I get the sense that your exposure was partial and needs to be more effective. A full and wide exposure will help kill the affair. Every exposure you sent will add a percentage to killing the affair.
Maybe you can put it this way.
% Have you done work exposure? That is where the affair started anyways.
% Did you make it possible for OM's mother to call her again. WW will feel it if her "future mother in law" says "I do not accept this"
% Have you exposed to Indian(in India) side of WW?
% Have you exposed to the Indian(in India) side of OM?
% Have you exposed to other relatives of OM other than brother/sister in laws you mentioned
% There are others I have mentioned in my posts

If you do the right thing in exposure then you cannot be the one to blame for the continuity of her contact with OM, moving in with him, etc.

Can you summarize who you have exposed to and how many on WW and OM?

Don't lecture and don't threaten.
The goal is to 'seduce' her to stay in the marriage, not to threaten. If this affair is over, you want her to stay with you because she wants, not because you will make her life miserable if she leaves.

Don't threaten with your lawyer. If she files, let your lawyer handle it (let him be the bad guy) so that you can be nice. If she wants to talk about divorce stuff, tell her you'd rather talk about *insert nice activities with kids* and let the lawyers sort it out.

Be strategic. Be the kind, attractive alternative if the affair with OM crumbles. Stop discussing exposure. Be a broken record on your position. Affairs are bad, change the subject.

Read other threads on this forum and learn how to plan A correctly. Stop educating her, that is like educating a drunk that alcohol is bad. You cannot convince because she is not sober.

You could say this in person.

Keep in mind that all you write to her can be used against you in court. It will be difficult for you and lawyer to say she was not a great mother and wife. She was involved in adultery. How does that make her a great mother and wife? The good thing with the texts is that she admitting to the affair.

As good2shoes says be strategic. The emotions are getting the better of you here. I know it is one of the hardest things to do. Instead of doing things(texts/replies, etc) on your own run them by the veterans by posting them here first to get advice and then act on the advice. You are making some mistakes that can be avoided easily. I did the same too.

Gname, it looks like your real name is in your post. You might want to edit. If you cannot edit anymore, click notify so the mods can edit.

Gname, please STOP doing this!! Stop arguing with her. You are giving her ammunition to use against you. It is imperative that you control your anger and focus on attracting her back. Trying to reason with someone in an affair is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. Stop doing that! You need to treat her just like a falling down drunk who uses no reason.

Many of the things you have said to her are things you read here but those things need to be cleverly slipped into pleasant conversations. For example, what I told you about filing for divorce on grounds of adultery should have been cleverly slipped into a conversation. The same with the statistics about adulterous married men.

Please calm down and be very careful about your communications with her. They should all be very pleasant!

WOrkplace not yet. My lawyer advised to hold it for some time.


Yes, my wife did not pick the phone


Yes, they want to play as if they don't know. If this works out they will not talk about it.

Yes, he has none left. One neighbor uncle, I have told him.

Ohhh - how do I contact the moderator? Thank you

Thank you - I will be careful and follow the advice here.

Gname, your job is to sell her on the prospect of a happy, romantic marriage. You need to tell her you don't want the old marriage. You want to have a happy, passionate, romantic marriage with her. You CAN recover this marriage and make it a great marriage. But she can't envision that. The objective of this program is to affair proof your marriage and create a romantic marriage. So when she brings up her unhappiness, you need to tell her this. She is not going to stay if she just sees unhappiness on the horizon. She needs to see misery and unhappiness if she pursues divorce.

Did you see this post?


I also meant reading again and responding to the posts and questions in them. Thanks for answering some of the questions in my latest post. It looks like your exposure is nearing completeness. I think there are still things not addressed.

Hey Weird, he needs to stay focused on current events and changing current behavior. I appreciate that you are trying to help but he needs to move forward. As far as I am concerned he has a done a good job of exposure and needs to work on his Plan A.

Thanks Melodylane. Got it.

Good Morning - I am in west coast on a business trip. I am using Life360 gps tracker for the entire family after the exposure.

Y’day, while on way to her office in the morning , I noticed that my wife stopped for a min at a parking lot of CVS very close to OMs home . We live a few miles apart. I called her immediately and she said, I have some work in CVS. I asked that was quick as did not see her walk movement out of the car. She said she is done with what she had to do there. I did ask any further.

I suspect, she may have either picked the OM or taken some other phone from him. Pure suspicion.

I also noticed that she had lots of walk movement outside her office y’day.

I have again strong suspicion that she was meeting him during the day and went for shopping, etc

A similar movement pattern was observed when I was on business trip 4 weeks ago. I god told this to close friend of ours. She asked and my wife admitted that yes she met that OM during that week of my travel. How/what do I communicate to make her stop these things.

When I say she need to stop these meeting as these hurt, her response is I can’t tell her what to do. It projects me as weak and helpless. Later she openly says that she is not going to lie anymore and will continue to meet and talk. What choices do I have if she has become so brazen?

You only can control your own behaviour. What you can do is persuade her, seduce her that you want to have a romantic marriage with her.

Lay out the future you want with her, invite her to join you in a happy marriage. Don't tel her what to do, persuade her. Be strategic. Don't react to every move she makes. Don't win every fight, win the war. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

Everytime you see she is in touch with the OM, I would address her and try to do it in front of your in-laws and your daughters. Let her explain her brazen adultery in front of them.

It's not helpful AT ALL that you are out of town. When will you be back? Can you get out of these trips going forward?

For the past 3 years, I was working from home 90% time. My such travel is only once in a 4/5 weeks. I will further try to cut it down. But risk losing job.

Yikes, this is a really bad time to travel. Would it help if you spoke to your boss and explained the situation to him?

I told my manager yesterday that I may go through a divorce. I have been flexibility to take break but I feel that without work I may go mad. I have very limited travel which I do to balance home and work. I will try to cut down further.

I called on her phone to talk to kids. She texted back a few kids related task that I need to do. I called back to understand the details. In the end, she repeated a few things why we areI staying together. It mockery to our world. I advised to talk later as I was with my team for dinner,

Gname, the next time she texts you would you mind posting it so we can help you respond? I know its highly emotional for you [rightly so] and we might be able to give you some feedback on how to respond.

Sure Melody. Thank you.
Quick question: my wife and in-laws hates me meeting and talking to the friends who know about the affair. Honestly I am now meeting them more for our kids social. We certainly talk but not much about the affair. A couple of close family friends have made this ritual to talk 5/10 mins daily. I certainly not giving in to their expectations that I will not talk. Any advice on how to manage this.

You need to talk to your friends about your situation. You need their support. Just let your wife know that you need all the support you can get. Don't apologize for doing the right thing. You don't have to make excuses like "Honestly I am now meeting them more for our kids social.." Don't make excuses to bullies for doing the right thing.

I was talking the closest girlfriend of my wife y’day. She is also a very good friend of our family. She reminded of a trip that we all did including the OM about 4 years ago. She recollected a few events which seemed friendly gestures at that time but raises lots of questions of all her behavior now. Needless to say that my wife and OM were very good actors who covered their act very well and left very little trail.

This friend of ours feels almost certain that this affair goes back almost 4 years. I can tie this with her bedroom behavior such as completely or no interest in sex, etc. this makes me feel that she was using this home only for her convenience. How do try to find this information from her.

About 2 months another close friend of us mentioned to me that it feels that I was the OM and she was in full relationships with the AP. I told my wife the same thing. She repeated this to me after sometime saying that she was beyond affair with the OM and in full relationship with him. She also said she would rather go there. Am I trying to work on a hopeless case. Feeling depressed. Level of betrayal still makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

Any advice on how to overcome depressive felling? My kids needs me but feeling too low to take care of anything. Going back home today and may be seeing kids will help.

Gname, I am sorry you are so feeling down. You are in a terrible position right now. Dr Harley suggests seeing a doctor and getting anti-depressants. Do you have a local doctor?


I am not sure what is meant by this. An affair is a full relationship. And i wouldn't be surprised in the least if the affair went on longer than you know.. Your wife is not going to tell you now. Have you asked the OM's wife what she knows? Did she know about the affair when they were married?

OM wife said that the guy use to have affair and she gave up on him for almost 10 years. She had no idea about this affair as she thought that the OM will not fall so low.

He had other affairs? Have you repeated this news to your wife? If this is true, I would slip it into a conversation in a NON-COMBATIVE WAY, loving way. She has to understand that if she left you for him that he would cheat on her too. She is leaving her marriage for a cheater. He has nothing against cheating.

I have told this to her and her parents. She dismissed saying that OM has told her everything about all his affair. In fact she started bad mouthing the OM’s ex wife having pre-marital affair. We all knew that OM ex wife had no affair during the the broken marriage.

Many friends of our have conveyed this persons womanizing behavior. She admits that I am 100 times better person than the OM but it is of no use to her. She finds OM extremely caring for her that’s all matters to her. I had recorded some audio where both were talking being the real soul mate for each other.

She knows what she is getting into but she thinks he will hold her hand in all misery. Sounds so illogical as the OM could not hold on to his love marriage. Their love marriage broke down in two years but they were holding on to it for 17 years.

She took divorce initiative but OM may have instigated to convert affair with my wife to their next marriage. He was pushing her from Jan this year that he wants to come and talk to me about this - close our chapter and start new for them. She stopped him.

Plan also seems sinister as they wanted to put both properties of our for loan in their business. I had refused this current home where we live but gave the rental property to them. She denies any sinister intent in this but most of our friends believe that she and the OM planned a very calculated move.

Your friends are right, she and the OM have been very calculating. What I can't understand is why your wife hasn't moved out and filed for divorce yet. That puzzles me greatly. Something is holding her back. It can't be your disagreement about a "mutual agreement" because she doesn't need that. It would make it EASIER for them, but she doesn't need it.

Even though she doesn't want to hear that the OM is a serial cheater, I assure you she secretly worries about it. Just think, she is destroying a family for a serial cheater who will cheat on her. That is pretty crazy. Her affair with him is doomed. Now that it is out in the open it will start crumbling. That is why it is so, so important that you remain as attractive as possible! While her affair crumbles, she will draw to you. And even if she does move out, this is still hopeful. It just means her affair will crumble even faster.

Whatever you do, don't agree to a divorce. Make her fight for every thing. If she brings this up just brush it off and tell her you will "allow the attorneys to work that out."

And I want to emphasize to you how very important SECRECY was to the survival of the affair. This is why your wife is so furious about exposure. You inflicted a huge blow to the affair with your exposure. Her degree of anger is in direct proportion to the damage you inflicted on the affair. As you can see, your wife is very angry about your exposure. You need to understand this is a good thing, not a bad thing. She feels ridiculous having to explain her adultery with a serial cheater and she greatly resents you for it. She knows she looks like a buffoon in front of the world for her dumb behavior.

Thank you Melody. Sorry for lots of update this morning. I had a 5 mins conversation with her this morning relating to kids. I must admit that I triggered a very mild insinuation of deceit in the context of a conversation that required me to believe her.

She again started by saying that I am trying to hold her back and making difficult for kids as they are developing hope. I told her that she is a free individual to go and I am not asking her to go. At this time my sole purpose of staying under one roof is to provide stability to kids life. She maintains that kids are resilient and will be ok we not being together.

She asked me who is my lawyer. She says that she will also use the same lawyer and move towards mutual agreement divorce. I advised her that she need to find her own. She threatened me to remove all tracker from phone and all. I use life 360 for the family after the DDay.

Overall, she still sounds assertive in her response. Her bitterness is gone but sarcasm all over her conversation. She still peeved that I am talking to her best friend. Likely she is getting my mind from her best friend who is also friends of our marriage. I am also close to her but may need to reduce talking to her she may be relaying a few things unknowingly.

i don't understand what this means. What do you mean by "I triggered a very mild insinuation of deceit in the context of a conversation that required me to believe her?"


Just focus on being polite and attractive. Keep telling her that you won't participate in any divorce action and if this does go to divorce, you will be hiring your own lawyer who will counter sue on grounds of adultery. <----- be a broken record. Make her do all the work. If she wants to destroy your marriage and your children's family she needs to do so WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

Adultery and divorce are about the worst things that can happen to kids.

Gname is it too late to change your mind about this? You do not want to enable this relationship by allowing her to borrow against your rental. Actually you want to call in the loan you already have allowed her to make, if you can. I am guessing that OM is penniless and will simply use this money to spend on your wife. This is a great opportunity to throw water on the flames!

OM is rich and his income is close 600k a year. Having said this, I am an executive in a large consulting company having a reasonable lifestyle.

My wife use to work for him initially and later together in another company where he was his manager. He has no need to work for but i guess working outside was a way to get my wife out of the home. This happened in 2016 March.

She essentially grabbed all she had earned for the duration of our marriage and put in the business she started with this guy.

Gname, what is your theory about why she has not moved out? One thing has occurred to me is that she wants to continue this great set up of having 2 men meet her needs. She knows the OM can't meet her needs so she wants to stay and get her needs met in both places. That is eventually going to cause a huge conflict with her and the OM, though. It sounds to me like he has been waiting for a long time for her to leave you and she has not. She is probably making the excuse that "we don't have an agreement," or that she is waiting for you to get used to the idea but that won't work forever.

The longer you hang in there, the more conflict will happen in the affair, IMO. This is why you cannot get into fights with her. When you get into fights with her, it distracts her from the many problems in the affair.

When she was at a bit of peace (no anger), she said a few things.
- I was doing my marital duty here and fun there. fun was going out on trips to New Orleans, and other areas unknown to me. She has made 8-10 business trips in the last 2/3 years.
- She admits that she did not know where to stop with her fun.
- She did not plan this affair.
- She was planning to come out but involvement increased for the past 6-8 months.
- She was thinking of divorce in July 2018 but was conflicted.
- She told her best girlfriend who is also my good friend that she wanted it to continue this way. She did not realize it will get caught and will get this messy.
- In a state of extreme anger, she did say that she will leave all of us and go including kids.

My impression is that people NOT knowing was holding her back as she wanted best from both worlds. She is unable to pull the strength and courage required to leave home. I think heart in heart, she is not ready to go for all the emotional baggage she has with the kids and me (hopefully). At this time, her parents are also not supporting her decision. Plus shame of almost 95% common friends between her OM and me. No one from my side and OM friends have said anything nice about the person. She herself says I am a much better person but that is of no use to her.

So my theory is correct. She doesn't really want to go because she has been getting her needs met in 2 places. Your exposure ruined her plan and that is why she is so furious. She has been telling the OM for a long time she would leave at some point but she has no plan to do that. That means the pressure from the OM will increase dramatically and the fights will start. She lied to him about leaving you and he will know now. You are in a PERFECT postion if you can hold out for a while. They will start fighting about her lack of follow through and the affair will crumble. If you can present a very attractive face you will be her safe place to land as her affair falls apart.

Exposure ruins affairs because it bursts the fantasy. They are getting hit with reality every day. Did you ever send that tweet to the OM I suggested? He needs to know he will be eternally hated by your kids. I really wish your inlaws would contact him.

And when conflict enters the affair, the OM will cheat. He will "cheat " on her.

Some more thoughts on this post. I have been thinking about this today and when you get a private moment with her I would focus on being POLITE, KIND AND INVITING and tell her:

I have been thinking about our conversation and want to clarify my thoughts. I do want you to be happy. I think I could make you very happy if you ended your affair and went into a marriage recovery program with me. I don't want our old marriage. I want a new marriage where both our needs are met, a passionate, romantic marriage where we are both happy. I know how to do that now. Obviously, the ideal outcome would be for you to be in love with the father of your children.

If you decide to go, you know I can't stop you. I don't have that kind of power. I am happy you are here and will be heartbroken if you ever left, but you are an adult who can make your own decisions.

If you decide to file for divorce, I will let my attorney work that out. I am not going to discuss any issues regarding separation/divorce directly. The attorney I spoke with recommends countersuing on the grounds of adultery and I will do what my attorney advises. I am leaving this all in the hands of my attorney.

The objective here is to:

1. paint a rosy picture of a romantic marriage with you - the father of her children
2. paint a contrasting dark picture if she leaves - a legal battle where the OM is dragged into court to testify under oath about his adultery
3. eliminate her excuses for not leaving



I would assume she is sharing everything. This is a perfect opportunity to fill her head with scary scenarios that she can take back to your wife. Can you think of strategic ways to use her as a resource? Here are some ideas of mine:

1. your "fear" that your wife is ruining her life by destroying her marriage and relationship with a serial cheater who will cheat on her and leave her
2. how you are "concerned" that the girls will never forgive her for wrecking their family for her selfish reasons - tell her you have been listening to this psychologist who specializes in saving marriages from affairs who says he has NEVER seen a happy "affairage" in his 50 yrs of practice. [DrHarley addresses affairages here on this radio clip - I think you have to pay to get it though, I have a subscription https://www.marriagebuilders.com/download-shows.htm?Terms=2670]
3. tell her that your girls and the in-laws will have nothing to do with this rat. Neither will most of your friends, so she will be forced to choose between the OM and her family and friends

You can also tell her about your ideas to make the marriage happy and passionate and fun.

Actually all recorded conversation I have heard, she remained quiet on leaving me. But she use to add that I will leave her at some point and go to India. She Was creating a environment for him to never get married.

She told me that she never agreed to his marriage plans.

He does not have tweet account.

My point is that he is pressuring her to leave and that will cause conflict when she doesn't. She has given him false hope about the future of their relationship. That will be evident to him soon enough. And the pressure will get greater now. Didn't you tell me he wanted to come tell you about the affair himself?

Did you read my post? I spent a lot of time on it and would like to hear your reaction to the strategy I laid out.

Thank you Melody. I am flying back today to home. I have read and will be rereading them again and follow/ execute them. Thank you so much. i wish i could meet a person who is doing such a selfless service for distraught like me.

Sounds good!! After I posted it I remembered you were coming back today. Be safe and have a nice flight!

Thank you Melody. Based on what I have read, I understand the partner (me in this case) is 50% reason for her marital dissatisfaction for her to stray.

I would love to go back to my old marriage. I think it was beautiful. Most of our friend thinks the same way. In fact two days ago my mother in law said this to her best friend that I am a good person and marriage was a good marriage. On the same note, she bad-mouthed me ~ 3 weeks ago. The same best friend of her ended up confronting my mom-in-law saying that what she was saying is not true. The only reason I know because this friend felt so bad that she came and warned me not to be very open with the in-laws as they are completely blinded by their daughter's love.

I want her to express what made her do this? A few time she said I always judged her. I am not sure what she even means. She says this for many. A couple of times I told her to let's visit her 1st cousin (sister) in Paris and Hongkong. She responds by saying that I don't want to go to them. They always judge. Judge word was very loosely used by her for a few people.

I have offered her to come to marriage recovery and/or MC - she has refused both. She keeps saying that I am wasting my time. She is already out and here until her parents are here. I will offer her again. However, I am noticing that she is applying 180 to me these days. She has started wearing provocative dresses. He girlfriend cautioned that her behavior is now looking cheaper. It seems she did this while I was in CA this week.


After the DDay, She was weak for 2 weeks (had some exceptions too). I made the mistake of crying in front of her many times. In my experience, that made her hungry tigress. She treated me like dirt in front of her best friend. After that incident, her best friend almost dumped her. I have definitely told her that I will regret that 15 years (and maybe 12 years for her) of marriage ended this way and the mother of my child will have a troubled life.

I have also said If she decides to go then its fully her decision. Recently I have added that I will have my lawyer take the process from there. This is where she says that I am holding her by not mutually agreeing. She doesn't want to look bad in front of her children.


I will be completely mindful of the suggestion. Will start making more amends. Thank you so much.

Good Morning - is it normal that during some part of the day, I get strong feelings that it’s time to move on and should head for divorce. I also get this feeling because of her attitude to our current relationship or no relationship. I get serious doubt of worthiness of this marriage. She still very strong about leaving. I will try to have private moment with her today but honestly don’t feel like going and talking to her.

Update: I attempted to have some private time with her. She resisted me to come to her bed and lying next to me. She started the conversation that I get nightmare of beaten up by friends who know this. She continued to provoke me to file for divorce.

She repeated the same things and was extremely mean by saying I am not a man because I let everyone know. No one can stop me now. I can do whatever I want and if I have courage, try to stop. I have no shame left blah blah blah. She went on to an the extent to abuse me and talk filthy in our native language. She was mild last week but I am now seeing the aggression and anger came back today. I remained quiet for her to explode. I advised her again that no one is stopping her to file for divorce. And if you do so, my attorney will deal with that part.

Another update: she was insistent on threat of leaving me, I told her to ensure that the other guy is still around for her. Based on what I am learning, usually they leave soon they encounter so many problems. I also asked her to make sure ask for 50% of everything beforehand to safeguard the future. If the other person is soul mate, he should not hesitate on signing on blank check

I don't feel like you are reading my posts, Gname. Your responses don't even acknowledge what I said. Marriage counseling is destructive to marriages so I am unsure why you would offer this. Do you know what will happen if you go to marriage counseling? Since MC's have no understanding of the FOG associated with adultery, they will give credence to your wife's feelings that your marriage is over. Do you want that? I have never recommended MC.

My recommendation said nothing about marriage counseling. It sugested that you paint a rosy future of your marriage TO HER FRIEND so she would repeat it back to your wife.

That's perfect! She is trying to bait you into a fight. She wants more than anything for you to throw her out and file for divorce. Keep being nice!!

Hi Melody, I did not talk marriage recovery program today as I could not reach their in our conversation. I had mentioned about a month ago to her and in-laws. She had outrightly refused and in-laws diminished the importance of the same. I had also advised her to take her to India for a month or so. They advised back to me that I should take kids and go somewhere for a month and give her time to think life without kids. I agreed but have not implemented that.

I will bring marriage recovery next week if she is behaving polite. This morning she was abusive.

We have been to 5 MC sessions between 2 counselors. She refused going and I was uncomfortable with the position they took against exposure and other things. I took note on MC in this and previous post. I am not going or taking her to MC.

A very bad idea. They don't understand the dynamic of infidelity. This won't help your marriage at all. I am sure your inlaws are experts on saving marriages, but they missed the mark with this idea!


All I want you to do is CASUALLY bring it up and paint a bright picture of your future if your marriage recovered. I don't want you to talk about marriage counseling or anything like that. Just talk about how you would like to have a great marriage using the points I made above. You can also sell her best friend on it in the way I outlined above in the hopes she will repeat it to your wife.

She is in an active affair, we know she is abusive. Don't let your decision to implement Plan A depend on her being polite.

Good Morning - we had new cleaners coming home. My wife’s intro to them was I will not be in this home for long.

She met all family friends (moms and kids) last night. She was telling her mom that she could not sleep well and went for walk early morning for an hour, came and slept.

I came home 4 am from all men get together at other friends place. She was awake and asked me aggressively to take my younger daughter from her bed. I told her let her sleep but by the my daughter was awake and came to my bed.

She is not letting kids sleep with her. I suspect she might be exchanging emails with the OM.

I am noticing that she has become more vocal about leaving since I have come from my trip. Not sure if she met while I was away or something else has put her deeper fog. She seemed to be getting milder last week. Things have swung other way round this week. Not sure what could be the cause of revived bitterness.

Waywards are always oscillating, there doesn't need to be a direct cause of her bitterness. Focus on plan A, present yourself as the attractive alternative compared to OM. Read ML's posts and follow the advice.

Thank you goodyshoe- I just spoke to her very politely and said don’t say in front of the kids all time that I am leaving. They are coming to me and cuddling for hope. She said I will not say but I have made my decision and will proceed now. Waiting for her action.

She has probably had a lot more contact with the OM while you were gone. Those 2 spend alot of time demonizing you in order to justify their guilty actions. Expect her to try to bait you into fights so be prepared. And don't allow her to bait you into a fight. Be as pleasant - but FIRM - as possible.

It is notable that talks alot about leaving but doesn't do it. Don't listen to her words, but look at her ACTIONS.

And be sure and let her know you won't be leaving. Why is she saying you will be leaving? Is she aware she can't throw you out of your own home?

Be sure and tell your kids, IN FRONT OF HER, that you have no reason to leave your home and have no such plans. Don't let her scare your kids with her vindictiveness. They need to know you are not leaving them to accommodate her affair.

I did not write correctly. She told Cleaner’s that she will be leaving and girls heard that.

Quick Update: My birthday is coming soon and we celebrated it today as I will go out for a day on my birthday. In fact, the OM and my birthday are on the same day.

In fact, I was on a business trip last year on my b'day and she had left kids for a sleepover with our best friend and had vanished for 2 days. Our best friend connected the behavior of the last year recently.

Today, my wife took the kids out during the day and brought an expensive gifts (by her standard) relating to Vikings. Before leaving for b'day dinner today, I came and sat with her, tried to hold and talk to her. She resisted and but I still did that politely. I told her that you are generally a nice person and should not get abusive. Such language does not suit her and she repented, I also told her that you had abused in anger but now that phase has gone. I told her again that you don't have to leave this home as all loves and wants her at home.

She went back and starts talking about why it's no choice for her to stay. The entire world of her knows. She wants to leave this world and go. All of them are supporting me and she doesn't want to talk to anyone one them anymore. In the girls get together last evening, I came to know that she was mostly sitting alone and not interacting with anyone else. This actually prompted me to go and talk to her today. I reassured that plenty of love and respect is left for her in this home. I also told her that relief her parents saw when I kissed today in front of them for the birthday picture.

Gname, this is a really good report. Just keep reaching out to her like this and it will slowly improve. It will not improve overnight. Here is another seed i want you to plant with her. You need to paint a beautiful picture of your marriage as I described above but you need to add "if you end all contact with the OM.." TEll her we can have a great marriage if you will end all contact with the OM. Start planting that seed.

Thank you Melody.

Another update: I gave her a good hug before sending to the office today. She continued to say, find some girl for your self in office. I said will find if needed.

She said not liking what I am doing which is basically going to friends where they know and talk. I am sending my elder daughter for 4 days sleepover @CT where other 4 girls are also coming. All of them are friends. We have a big festive occasion is coming on Sep 7 in CT. She doesn't want to go. She said how can I go, everyone knows. All kids also may know in CT. I said ok let's talk later.

I see in-laws made good food today and additional worshipping to the god. I greeted them well. After my last interaction with my mom-in-law two weeks ago, I had limited my interaction significantly.

I just sent her a text today - Introspect and identify the core values you want to have. Don’t let anyone shake it. Only be flexible to an extent it not eroding your core. You can’t hide the truth from yourself. Uncomfortable truth will haunt you one or other time. Try to overcome the past and hold your future together

In case I don’t see you this evening, have a wonderful day..

GNAME. Don't lecture your wife. She is not a child. I assure you the OM is lecturing her. That is a huge lovebuster.

Ohhh - Thank you!

I meant to say: I assure you the OM is NOT lecturing her!! And if he is, he is causing HUGE lovebank withdrawals.

Quick update: she came from office and I asked her to come and hold my hand. She refused to come close and started the same thing. Don’t do all these and try to create confusion among the kids.

She said I am very clear that I am not staying. I can’t live in this envt where everyone knows. It’s very hard to face people who knows about it. She asked me not to brainwash the kids against me. Kids will go where I go in my 50% time. I told her that no one is asking you to go and there is plenty for her in this home. She said I am clear that I don’t want to be with a person/me who has humiliated me so much by calling all the people. This was a private matter and could have handled privately.

I can’t sit in the room where people had come and questioned me. I can’t live life sulking over it. I want to live in fun. We had very polite and civil conversation.

I told her that this need to be thought not only for self but also the kids who wants their father mother together. She mentioned that kids will understand. I also said people there also know about you how you are going to handle that? As per her, people in this group are closer and I can’t handle that.

I said you are not being pushed out but obviously can’t force you to stay. She again said you are not making easy for me to go. I said I don’t mean to hurt you but if you decide to divorce me I will follow the law under the guidance of attorney.

I also told her that if you continue to stay in touch with the OM, this back and forth will not stop. She said that she is not doing any back and forth. So pendulum has swung again in the other direction.

You did great, Gname!! Sounds like you were calm, loving and straightforward. Another thing I would say over and over to her is:

"I want us to have a happy, passionate, loving marriage where both our needs are met."

Can you memorize that line and say it whenever you find an opportunity? She will scoff at that now, but you can plant a seed. When the conflict grows in her affair, she will remember what you said.

Update: my wife spoke to my elder daughter y’day to let her know that she is planning to leave soon. She advised her to stay strong and come wherever she goes.

My daughter response was that don’t make divorce ugly and be nice. And she said I am not coming to the OM place.

I advised my daughter to tell her mom next time that she is not leaving. Is this ok?

Absolutely!

Happy birthday!

Thank you

Another update: ego of my wife is hurting kids now. Many of our friends are not sending their kids for sleepover at our home. Last time one kids came and my wife became very angry at my younger one. Our friends daughter was terrified. They reached out to me and I agreed to stop sleepover for sometime.

My younger one had a planned sleepover at her friend place today. My wife asked our best friend to send her daughter and she refused. In my wife also cancelled the return sleepover planned for day after.

I am on flight for one day trip and feel extremely sorry for the kids. I spoke to my wife and discussion turned sour as she started accusing me for all these mess for exposing and then talking to them. She again started threatening that she will leave and my standard response.

Just feeling sad for the kids and envt.

I am sorry your wife is doing this to your children. She is greatly harming her relationship with them.

This is the message from other kids mom and our best family friend who has been supporting both of us:
=====
Gname, I am done with Xxxx (my wife) today- she has today put me in a situation of questioning & I don’t deserve it...she doesn’t care about anyone & now I don’t give a [censored] about her.

I am relieved that I see what all other girlfriends saw in her- that’s only deceit - she is just fakeness that’s it. I am not angry or disturbed I am just sorry that I spent all this time with her. “
=====

She also accused me for not dealing with her strongly with my unfaithful wife and allowing her with all these tantrums and dance on other head. Our friends are getting annoyed.

Hi Melody - should I write this text to her?

Xxxx - these long flight journey gives me opportunity to think more about you and I try to put myself in your shoe and view the surrounding.

How much so ever your parents are there, this has become a lonely battle for you. I am in pain, and more I think of it, I can understand your pain. And I don’t want you to feel alone. I am there for support as much I can provide.

I am prepared and accept/respect any decision you take for your happiness.

It's all good but delete the last line! No, you won't accept or respect a destructive decision!! That is a very uncaring thing to say your wife. If you CARE about your wife you will never accept or respect self destructive, stupid decisions. Please don't ever tell her you will accept or respect this!

Most cheaters lose all their good friends. The only ones who will remain are the enablers and the bad people. I am sorry for your friend, but she is making the right decision.

Thank you!

What do you mean by enablers? Bad people around us will continue to be our friends? Most of our friends are strongly behind me and kids. And to a very large extent pushing for divorce.

No, only bad people will continue to be HER friend while she is cheating. An enabler is a person who condones cheating and helps her be a bad person.


They are good people!

Good Morning - update.

I called my wife to check how was our younger one after her missed sleepover opportunity last night. She said fine. Then She started don’t text me going forward. I am alone because of you going and talking to all her friends. You have taken over all my friends. I told her that I have not stopped her talking to anyone. She continued that it was my strategy to isolate her blah blah blah... she continued that all these are good reason for her decision to not stay with me.

She also asked how long friends are not going to send the kids as our friend told her that I have said to not send kids for sometime. About two months ago, my wife got super angry and had fight with my younger one in front of her friend. After that friends parent had expressed concern of sending kids and agreed with them that not to send over kids until thing gets normal.

I also told her that no point in taking same things over again. Let’s plan day for kids and work on them.

When she complains she is alone because of your exposure, I would remind her that she is alone because of her affair. If you had exposed that she won the nobel prize for humanitarian efforts, she would not have alienated her friends. All you did was expose the truth. You are not responsible for her bad choices.

Also, it is FANTASTIC that she feels isolated. That is a direct consequence of her affair. It will force her to start thinking about her poor choices.

She is talking to him on a daily basis and possibly meet a couple of times in a week. She is now openly admitting.

So the strategy now is to be nice to her, don’t engage in too much argument, discussion with her, be inviting and nice. Hope she and the OM develops certain kind of dislike for each other?

Don’t engage in ANY argument at all....ever. Be nice and inviting and continue to repeat the talking points I gave above. If she meets with or sees her OM, ask her to stop seeing her adultery partner because it hurts you and your children. Say this in front of your children and the in-laws.

Thank you!

Quick q: our friend organize a religious festival at their backyard for the past 15 years where we go every year for 3 days. My wife does not want to go this year as everyone know about her adultery. Kids want to go. She is resisting us going there and have already started making noise about it. I have told her I am going with the kids. And then she goes on rant. Should I go or stay away?

I would stay home with her! Just let her know if she feels uncomfortable then you will stay there with her. Can your girls go alone without you? I would not go and leave her there alone.

It’s going to be lots of people and we have decided not to leave girls on their own anywhere.

I see that slowly my WS is removing her marital status and the picture we had together from Facebook and other accounts. In fact she had removed marital status long time ago. I was surprised to see and added it back few months ago. It’s gone now again.

That is why you need to keep focussing on plan A. She will be all over the place, so you need 5o be the best husband you can be.

Can you plan a nice activity to replace the festival? Family time is a way of spending time when she does not want to be on a date with you. Being a good father scores you points. Think of something she and your daughters would like.

Thank you GoodyShoes.

What is the best response when she says you broadcasted this and now everyone knows? She is not wanting to go anywhere. Friends who were still supporting her have now started distancing with her.

Gname, her friends have distanced themselves because of her affair, not because of your exposure. Of course she hates being exposed because she is embarrassed. If you had exposed she won a nobel prize for humanity she wouldn't be embarrassed. You can't reason with a fogged out wayward or make her like it by saying special words. Being embarrassed is a good thing, not a bad thing.

All you should say is: "I was just spreading the good news. Is there something wrong with your affair?"

Honestly, why wouldn't she want this news out? Is there something wrong with the news of her adultery?

Thank you Melody.

I just learned from one of my WS girlfriend that during my WS 40th Birthday party in Nov 2016, the OM had corrected her bra strap. She was jarred by seeing that and had told her husband. This was early part of the party when not many of them were around. She obviously did not tell anyone else. it seems I had gone to the basement to get some stuff. I am guessing that someone to get to this comfort, I may have taken 6-9 months. This now makes this affair at least 3 years.

Another girlfriend of my WS said that she had come to visit our home in early/mid 2016. The OM has held her hip and moved her around. They thought she did not see. It seems I was on business trip that week. This girlfriend also told her husband and no one else. The OM has given a gift jewelry of ~usd 8k to her on that birthday. Honestly, I did not pay attention who gave what to her.

I wonder if I should even try to make this marriage work.

Nobody would blame you if you decided to end this marriage. But you do not need to make that decision right now. You can stay the course and follow Plan A, showing her your best self and being the better option. If the affair ends and reconciliation happens, you can still end the marriage if you decide you do not want to continue recovery.

Thank You unwritten.

Gname, I know what you are feeling. You are realizing how deep the deception was. It went on for a very long time and very likely happened in your home when you weren't there. Were your daughters aware that something was wrong?

Long term affairs are harder to recover from because the WS has been in the fog for such a long time. No one would blame you if you decided to end the marriage. Has she contacted an attorney yet? If I were you, I would start thinking about ways to separate and do it in a way that protects you legally.

My daughters were not aware if he ever coming and staying overnight but the use to get annoyed that why he always comes to places we go. I use to console them by saying he is going thru bad phase of divorce. He had not many other place to go. Then the use to understand but annoyed.

I spoke to my neighbor who was not willing to tell anything earlier. He said he had seen many times the OM car parked in our driveway. A many times overnight when I was on business trip. He and his wife talked but said they are good friends. He did not suspect this way but was uncomfortable.

This morning she told me that adultery will not make at difference in NJ. I thought she may have contacted the lawyer but she said she has been doing online research. She said she is going to initiate the process. I said I will wait to see the paper and let attorney do the job. She offered that we can straight go in mediation and take only one attorney. I refused.

I had send message to her this morning that you are looking weak and sad. So cheer up. Then I went to her room to see if can cheer up. Bad idea. She had nothing else but to go on rant including stop meeting friends as they are laughing at me. I told her i am not sure who to trust. One thing i has learned not to trust on anyone.

The timeframe that my neighbor said was when I use to travel to Chicago. This takes the affair to 2015. Jan 2016 onwards, I was home 95% time. Mar 2016 she picked up job which took her outside of home. Now everything is connecting. When I started staying home, she went outside. She reduced her intimacy with me almost for the past 4 years. All understandable now.

Good, because you absolutely should not share attorneys. And yes, adultery does matter in even no fault states.


Waywards ALWAYS say that people are laughing at the betrayed spouse to manipulate them into silence. Don't believe her. You need to continue to meet your friends and family and don't worry about her.

Your exposures have caused great harm to the affair. This is why she keeps harping on it. She is very addicted to the OM. This is a long term affair. Don't let her discomfort about exposure stop you at all. Her anger and discomfort over exposure proves you have inflicted great damage to the affair.

Thank you Melody..

Gname, something to consider in the long term: you will want to sell that house and move eventually. You will be perpetually triggered if you stay there. Not only is the place where they conducted the affair, but it is the place of great unhappiness.

Yes Melody. Will take step by step. For now kids want this place for their friends. Some text exchange this morning:

She sent:
https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce-state-laws/adultery-divorce-new-jersey.htm

I am not claiming for property nor alimony. You I will start with no fault ground . Thou will let the lawyer know the real reason may choose to go on fault ground. You can choose your route

My response;

Text 1: As I said earlier too. My 100% intent is not to hurt you. Time will pass and will keep the good memories and will shed the bad ones. We will have no choice but to connect for kids.

I have to do at fault to get all involved in this and add some more to already a colorful record. I hope you understand my feelings why I want to drag a family wrecker in this.

This was not a 3 party mess as he wrote. His message reflects a narcissistic selfish attitude which never cared for kids, family and friends. You will realize it very soon.

Good luck


Text 2: You may be wondering why I did not reply to his message. I considered him outsider in our family affair. More I think of it, It appears I am the outsider here.

I was hoping that this can be worked out for the kids. More I think, it will not work as 1) kids were never given a thought in this illicit relationship knowing such things eventually come out in open. 2) your length of relationship makes me think you were more outside then inside home for the past 3/4 years. Such things definitely takes 75% of mental space to keep maintaining the secrecy.

I wish you good luck from the bottom of my heart.

And try to refrain saying “laat maar kar kamre se nikal dungi” and other abuse you hurl. We can have peaceful exit.

Text 3: FYI... even in the no fault state like CA and Colorado, adultery impacts the judgement. Once again, my intent is not to hurt you. Thx

Good Morning: y’day was quite eventful. My elder daughter came home after a week of sleepover from Connecticut along with other girls. She was at WS childhood friend and her husband came to drop her. This is first time since DDay someone formally visited us. My WS so far had not allowed anyone to visit home as she did not want to talk about it. These people were trying to come from long time but could not as my WS was not welcoming anyone.

My WS is a good host so she made nice food along with her mother. In the evening she and her friend went for walk. Not positive what she may have spoken but I know that her friend too having some disconnect issue with her husband. She had mentioned when I had gone to drop my daughter there.

Later in the, my WS, her friend, my elder daughter and I went to another common family friend where they were staying for a night. My WS went there for a few after gathering lots of courage as few others were also there. We stayed there for 30’mins. On way my elder one snapped at my WS joke.

On return from there my elder started having meltdown telling her mom how you ruined everything. You keep doing jab at papa and and need to stop all those. My WS took head on with her and started bullying her by telling her that 50% of home belongs to her and she can kick her out of the home, etc. I intervened and said that will not ever happen.

My elder one told her that you keep saying I am going and not leaving. I was all happy in connecticut and as soon I walked, all seems ruined. I sat and consoled her for an hour. My WS has occupied my daughter room threatening her that she is going to kick her out of there, etc.

Finally after an hour my WS softened and took my elder to the bed. Later in the night I went to see my daughter and my wS was ready to fight with me over fan speed. I told her I don’t expect manner with her anyways.

I hope this time she is serious by saying that she is filing for divorce. I really want this to end as kids are majorly suffering.

Thank you for all your support and guidance.

Gname, I am so sorry your daughter is suffering so much. Good for you for standing up for her like a good dad. Your wife should never ever threaten to throw your daughter out of the house, that is inappropriate and vicious. I know it is so hard for your daughters, but I am hopeful this will wake up your WW. PLEASE stick with your Plan A and keep defending your daughters like this, that is the right thing to do.

'
I don't believe your wife is serious or she would have done it in the 3 years she has been carrying on her affair. She is resisting giving up her great gig of having 2 men meeting her needs. That explains her fury at your exposure; you ruined her great gig. What is stopping her from filing now? Nothing. She could file on Monday.

How are things going? How are your children?

Thank you Brian.

Quick update: we did backyard party for my daughter 10th Birthday. Her birthday was on 22 Aug. this time I took initiative to organize the Birthday party. In the past, my wife use to manage all these and I use to follow her lead in doing everything. She is a good host and worked a lot for the party.

Most of our friends came. A few were so upset with my wife that they did not want to come, however, I talked them and all came. My wife was very isolated and did not talk much to many. Some of our friends are making it very obvious that they are not anymore with her if she continues to behave the way she is doing. My interaction with her this week was mostly relating to prep for Birthday perp. As she was getting more isolated this week, she continued with mild verbal attack on me the entire week such as all are doing this because I engaged all in the family matter, etc. I told her not talk all these and let’s stay in peace for whatever time she is planning to stay. I did not speak to her much this week otherwise one line is consistent from her that she has mentally already left and will be leaving physically soon.

Pre and during the party, she continued to take a little jab at me in front of others which was noticed by others and did not like. Honestly I do not even feel those jabs as I have been beaten so much by her that these doesn’t even feel anything.

Her dad now looks very disoriented and could not sit at one place well. I feel bad for him.

My younger one still behave and looks disoriented. One of our friend is counselor. she will start counseling with them soon. Both my daughters are refusing to go.

My elder one had a week of sleepover in Connecticut last week and when she came back, she had a melt down with her mother accusing her of being selfish and bully. She said everything is ruined now.

Most of the friends are suggesting to take decision soon as they see the impact on children.

I am also noticing that I used to talk to a few friends and feel relieved after that. I do not like talking anymore and also don’t like any of my wayward girlfriend taking dig at her. I guess I want to be left alone.

My health is definitely affected now. I had recovered my health by going to gym and swim. But it all stopped for the past two weeks. My head is numb these days and noticing swelled pockets around my eyes. Blood pressure is normal though. Eye and head area is always tired. Not sure if this is a sign of depression. Going to PCP.

Darn, I wrote a post and it disappeared! Did you see my earlier post about visiting a doctor and getting anti-depressants? It could make a world of difference for you.

Thank you Melody. I did not see update from y’day but I did see your previous updates on anti-depressant. I am seeing doctor this week and take his advise on this situation.

It will really help. Even a mild one like wellbutrin can make an enormous difference.

Thank you Melody.

Here is my assessment on continuing to follow plan A. Every time I have tried to have a private moment of talk with her, it has resulted in she getting either abusive or threatening me to leave. It always leaves me with a bitter experience. These experiences push me to stay away from her and many time does not look pleasant. I get a feeling that she sees me approaching her as my sign of weakness and starts pounding on me. On the other hand, she is not showing any sign of backing down or blinking. Both our health is affected. This period of limbo is making me restless.

I would STOP trying to have these discussions with her because it is not Plan A. As you can see, it is not helping the situation. Just focus on being as pleasant as possible. Whatever you do, DON'T come across as giving her the cold shoulder because that just makes the OM look better and gives her ammo against you.


I guess I don't understand what you are doing. What do you mean by "approach her?" What are you doing? Plan A only means presenting an attractive, pleasant face. It doesn't mean you try to pick fights with her or get into serious discussions. Can you clarify what you are doing?

Evidently she hates those so stop. No more 'private moments of talk with her'. That is not what Plan A is about. You need to be the best husband you can be. That does not mean cornering her, it means romance and fun. Make her laugh, women find that irresistible. Intense private moments will have to wait until she is back in love with you.

Remember that your ace card is that she chose you for marriage. Be as you were when you first met her, it worked then and it can work now.

I don't pick flight but just try to have a casual talk such as how is your health?. Soon I say anything like this, she will respond I am always good. and then extends the conversation to take care of yourself as I am gone, ect. She will try to project as if I have become insane and need to collect things together and move on in life. She keeps advising that I should not talk (in her words cry) to friends, etc.

Thank you Living Well!

Gotcha. Just focus on being as pleasant as possible and don't fight with her. She is trying to drag you into a fight. And whatever you do, DON'T give her the cold shoulder. That only gives her ammunition to use against you. She is telling herself and the OM that you ignore her, etc, etc, etc and you don't want to fulfill her demonizations.

All - quick update. I caught my wayward wife with the OM today outside her office.. she was out from her office for 4:30 hours during the day, I am filing for divorce next week. Thx for all your support.

Thanks for the update!

Will you be staying in the house and telling her she needs to get out?

Yes, I will keep the home. She won’t be able to afford it. And kids for now wants to stay in this home. Until the divorce is finalized, she will stay in a different room.

I think me seeing her with OM filled me with anger. I can’t cut someone I love so easily. I will not file for divorce. I will try to win her back. I love her and can’t just let her go this way. I want her pain and hurt to go away now.

After I caught my wife with the OM in front of her office on Friday, I told the incident to all our friends who knows this. We talked about divorce and talked to the kids. I was in extreme anger all Friday. A few girl friends reached out to her to stop this non sense. Friday and Saturday mostly remained tense and unease. She sent the following text last night

G - I am ok with all your divorce terms. I don’t want kids. Can we go and file this week jointly? And finish this episode immediately. I am unable to live here. I will take the rental home that’s all. No one needs to know our terms. Not even kids. If you want you can publish it to all other as you have been doing.

My q: can this be game by her knowing that I can easily become emotional fool? I feel she is genuinely hurt from this exposure and knows that she will never get her same place back among the friends.

As she had locked her room, my text response to her below:

Dear xxx, You will get everything that you are entitled which is love and respect. This episode has made me realize that how much I love you. All the mistakes happening need to stop now. Please try to sleep. If you want to yell at me, pls do so but not in front of the kids. I want kids to love their mamma.

2nd text: But sleep for now my gudiya.. i was thinking all about you later afternoon and in the evening. You are always in my thoughts. I am unable to cut you off from my thoughts. Sleep now pls.

Never thought the journey will come here. Later journey will be decided later but for now first you need to start feeling better. You are not as complicated as the whole episode made it appear. I think I still know you. And I love every aspect of what I know you. I love you Xxx and will do everything to get you out of this hurt and pain first.

3rd text: You are not an object for me to get rid from life. Besides being mother, you mean lot to me. I won’t let mistakes overcome what you are for me. Besides kids, I love you Xxx. Kids love you to eternity. I love you to eternity. I care a lot for you my dearest. I am so sorry that you never saw my love and care behind my shield.

pls sleep gudiya. Love you and love you a lot. And Xxx - you have not given a fair attempt to this. Cut all you communication and connect for two months other place and then decide if this is worthy for you or not. You have been at other place for very long. Come back here whole hearted and see if this works for you.

And sweets... 4 1/2 months gave me plenty of time to figure out the logistics of how will live without you.

What it did not give on how to live with the void of loving mother and loving wife. We all love you 😍 sweetheart... give this an attempt. Loads of love 🥰🥰

Gname, I don't understand this question. Can you rephrase? Did you have a question about your 2nd post, I am not clear if you are blogging or asking for feedback. If you are asking for feedback, it seems like you are laying it on too thick. Plan A means showing an attractive side and offering to meet her needs if she ends her affair. I like how you extended an olive branch but would cut out the false praise. You don't want to come across as phony. While you need to control your temper, you don't want to go to the opposite extreme and be phony and excessive about it.


She is not going to cut communication and even if she did, that is only kicking the can down the road.

Is she still planning on moving out? She doesn't seem to be serious about divorce at all.

she messaging me to file jointly gives me impression that she is not serious or trying to protect the AP by putting condition to file no fault.

I understand now. There are a couple of ways you can go. You can just respond that "I can't stop you from filing from divorce if that is your decision" and just blow her off and drag things out.

Or you can file divorce - on your own, not jointly - and get custody of the kids as she offers above. She would probably give you everything you want now while she is fogged out. You might not have that chance in the future. You would have distinct advantages with that plan and if she did ever end her affair and commit to the marriage, you could drop that action. One concern I have is that she try to harm you financially while she is fogged out. If you filed for divorce you would be protected and you would have distinct advantages because she is so fogged out.

The way this is going and because of the long term aspect of her affair, you might want to consider the 2nd option.

Thank you Melody. My wife is suggesting to just go for mediation and finalize the terms. She is ready to give 100% of kids to me with visitation rights. Kids are key to me. She will be taking close to 30% of the asset. Do not seem a bad option for me. She is insisting on just going for mediation to finalize this and avoid lawyers fee. Considering AP is a divorced veteran, not sure if there is anything hidden here. She may ask for a no-fault divorce. Seems like she is protecting AP from coming to the court. Any advice which way should I go?

I was sitting and talking to my wife's girlfriends.

All of them were sad and also very angry at my wayward that she did not give any attempt to save this marriage. A few also started crying for the kids. After some time they started analyzing her past 2/3 years of behavior and calling her wicked and malicious. They also faulted themselves for not getting any hint of the affair which seems so obvious now. They all feel betrayed.

I tried to tell them that my wayward behavior is no different than any other cheater who is deeply fogged. They completely disagreed/sympathized with me and advised to be extremely careful with her divorce offer and the next step(s). They all say that AP is a veteran and she is following his directions.

It still pains me to hear she is wicked or malicious. Some went to an extent to question her pre-marriage days too. I don't think she is or was a bad person even though she is almost abandoning the kids. Am I still being emotional fool here?

She did love me at one-time a lot and was fiercely protective. She was always insecure of any girl coming close to me. She is just under some black magic - feels this way.

Be careful talking about personal stuff with other women. That is how affairs start. Like giving a hungry dog a meal. Your emotional needs haven't been met for a while, so you are more vulnerable than you even want to know.

Update: I exchanged a few more text this morning. Saying are you sure to move on, I tried to tell her that we can make this marriage beautiful again and work on all the gaps both the sides. She is putting this on no respect, self pride and love left in this home and society. I attempted again that we can make that happen. She did not budge and said will now send notice to me. I think I will wait for her notice. But will keep my lawyer on alert. Any advice on should I proceed?

Just use your best judgement and make sure you can get a great settlement in place while she is fogged out. You can continue to do your Plan A but will have legal protection in place.

And I would stop saying things like this to her. It makes no sense in this context. She is about as sure as a falling down drunk. When you say things like this, you affirm her fogbabble about "moving on." You can see by her actions that she is not "moving on." All you are doing is getting good legal protection in place.

How are things?

Hello, sorry for vanishing for a while. Quick update:

I initiated the divorce process about a month ago. She was shocked for a day but got back to her belligerent behavior soon after. She was carrying a phone given by him. Kids were seeing it and getting upset. She hasn’t received notice yet. My in-laws are leaving for India tomorrow.

I wrote the below message to her before initiating divorce.

Xxxx - next week is going to be six months into the journey where at least I had not imagined will ever walk. Unfortunately, everything we had built together - home, kids, friends, jobs, etc were used in an act that will go over and beyond immorality and dishonesty.

It's still so hard to imagine that two people who I had good reasons to trust colluded in the act of heinous betrayal. This will also be beyond imagination for me and anyone. I hope such things never happen to anyone.

Based on what you have told to others, personally, I did not knew, saw or you communicated any disconnection and difference to me ever. Contrary, we were ideal wife and husband for many and us.

The interactions which I heard, you were sold ONEitis which is an unhealthy romantic obsession with a single person. Usually accompanied by affection and completely unrealistic idealization. Not sure this was your vulnerability or conscious choice.

I educated myself on the subject of adultery and affair that helped to look beyond the lens of morality, trust, and dishonesty, and tried to keep the family together especially for the kids. You chose self over everything else and now your open admission on continuing the affair is not good for me and the kids.

After 6 months of attempt/wait, regretfully, you still chose the affair over the family. I have no option but force to make the decision to proceed with the divorce. This will give you the liberty to lead your life which will not be subversive for the kids and me. This was carried for too long time.

FYI... my lawyer advised no need to send this message but I am a victim of my transparency.

Anyways, good luck with your future.

Is she still agreeing to you having the kids 100%?

She has changed version many times now.

The most current is we will talk in court. Prior to that she said you keep on weekdays and I will keep them on weekend.

I talked to the kids, they want their mamma too and don’t mind split living. Likely it will become 50:50. My condition is that the other person can’t be around. This will be our key fight.

Good part is that my kids obviously don’t want to be around that person.

Also, she thinks I am bluffing her that I have filed for divorce. Unfortunately the law firm that I was her AP’s ex-wife. They closed the firm 3 weeks after I paid them retainer money. Good part is that the attorney that I had chosen has started a new law firm. This had delayed filing by a couple of weeks.

Her aggression has still remained the same. God know what happens to them as a person in these affair.

Will you be using Parallel Parenting?

Thank you Brian. I will read and understand this. At this point I am prepping for 50:50 as long as AP is not around. Just to remind, the AP is known to me from the college days almost 30 years. I thought I was helping him in his divorce for the past 3/4 years. He was in my home 8/10 hours a week like a family member. My kids knew him as uncle. Now obviously snake.

Another update:

My wayward is still staying in home. She had mentioned that will go out only after papers are signed.

Y’day she politely requested to pause the divorce process as she will run into immigration issue. she was trying to hint that she may not have a choice but to marry her AP as he is now citizen.

She is willing to go out from home once I pause divorce. 1st time in 7 month, she was relatively polite. Due to my exposure (in anger and more like revenge), she is mostly cut off from the friends. As she is in this home, gets invited to friends get together. she works very hard to show a normal behavior in front of them. She is admitting that she messed up this completely. Very hard to trust her words.

Gname she is bluffing. Once she has her permanent (10 year) green card, she will not run into any immigration issues if she divorces. I held a green card for 35 years. My brother in law has held his for 55 years. She is trying to bully you into stopping the divorce action.

You mean she is cut off from the friends due to her affair, right? If you had exposed that she won a 5k marathon would her friends cut her off? The fact that you believe you are the cause of her friends reaction tells me she has successfully gaslighted you.

I would strongly suggest you don't stop the divorce because you and your children need legal protection. She doesn't care about that at all. She only cares about her immigration status. You need to get a custody and financial agreement in place now while she is fogged out. You will get a better deal and she won't be able to destroy your finances. A fogged out, selfish wayward can cause major damage to your finances. Don't let that happen. Don't pause the divorce. Don't trust someone who has only her selfish interest at heart.

We are currently on EAD.

Green Card is the next step. Based on the online search I did, it looks like she will be in trouble. But I am not thinking about her issue so much now. She spoke to a family friend two weeks ago and was regretting that I meshed up. She did not think of all these immigration issues. She did not think that she will ever get caught. She is very smart in a way that she spills very few things. and I still end up revealing a lot in anger.

On another note, she is making food for the kids and also trying to have me together as family dinner. Her parents left for India last week. I notice that she is a little milder. Also because I am avoiding any kind of discussion.

Thank you Melody.

Nope, One of our friends had questioned others why they are socializing with her. After that, many/most started staying away from her. Also, all our friends are extremely upset with her the way she tries to put up as if nothing has happened. She tries to throw herself in every conversation to be active participants. All our friends are able to see through this distancing themselves with her. None of the men wished her on her Birthday this year. Her girlfriends came for a brief but not extensive celebration. She is feeling the heat now. Two nights ago, I had a brief conversation with her (she came to my room). I did tell her that everyone is able to see how much effort you are putting in to be fully engaged. I also feel bad but thats her own doing.


She told me two days ago that she met a lawyer and will not be using her AP's lawyer. As per her, she has told her lawyer that she will not press for any alimony and will try to take a minimum for her sustenance such as the rental property and business that she started with her AP. She was worried about her visa and asked if I can pause the divorce process. It seems her lawyer suggested to press charges for spying, etc. She told them that it is her wrongdoing and she doesn't want to mess it further. She also cautioned that he presses these charges, my immigration will be in trouble. I advised her to go and file everything based on the fact. I certainly see that her tone has become now milder after her parents have left. I will not pause divorce for now at all.

Also, as expected, my younger 10-year-old daughter is affected by this episode at home.

She is now exhibiting anger, mood swing, talkback and disrespect for most of the things around. I am speaking to her school counselor to work with me on this. My wayward is obviously not connecting with her action but blames me for her behavior (exposure to them + not disciplining her). My younger one is very close to me (now more) and sleeps with me every day. For the past couple of days, my wayward comes on my bed in the pretext making her sleep and go but ends up sleeping whole night. She also attempts to start a conversation but I am forcing myself to not engage in any conversation. I fully understand that this could be a manipulation attempt by her but hard to disregard my daughter's request to have her until she sleeps. It's so messed up emotionally.

Ah yes, that is a problem. If you are the petitioner she will lose her dependent rights if you divorce.

Thank you Living Well. She is trying to tell me the same. Her parents have advised not to marry anyone. But she is trying to tell me that she does not have a choice but to marry him if I divorce her. Her AP acquired citizenship in 2010. I intend to send plea to USCIS to review his citizenship too. He wrecked his family and mine too.

Thank you all for your support.

My unfaithful Is attempting to engage to conversation about my elder academic stuff. She found that a majority of her class is putting their kids on private tuition for maths and music. She asked me to work with her in convincing the elder daughter who otherwise is not listening to her.

My response was that too many things are uncertain and i will not take any additional financial load or Schedule.

Hard to differentiate if any of what she is genuine or manipulative.

I also informed her to start working on her immigration arrangement. She again said that she will move out and I need not to divorce until immigration is sorted. My response was that I don’t want to remain tied and would like to move on to the new chapter. She retorted

Hi Gname, can you finish this sentence?

Thank you Melody. Basically she expects me to help her out in the immigration issue so that kids can be protected. She questioned me how kids are going to live without her if she has to go back to India. I advised her to get married to her AP who is citizen.

Gname please don't assume your wife is telling you the truth. This is too important. Spend an hour with a reputable immigration lawyer and get the facts, find out what options you have.

Thank you living_well. I am fine with my immigration status. She may be in trouble. She mentioned to me this morning that she will have a week to marry her AP to be in this country. She has told the kids that otherwise, she did not plan to marry him. She is manipulating kids now.


Another interesting thing - I asked her y'day. Do you still love me? Her answer is yes. I loved you all along.

Thank you for sharing this Brian. This absolutely makes sense. As currently under the same roof, she walks up to me to talk about the kids' plan. Without knowing the concept above, I told her to agree with the kids and move forward with any activity they like.

Hello Melody and Brian - I quickly wanted to update that my D was registered in court on Dec 5. My WS will receive the notification this week. I have an indoor and outdoor camera installed at home for kids' safety. I was looking through the camera to sort the fight between the two girls (10 & 13) and came across a very interesting conversation. My WS and her AP was having a major fight over the phone. She was yelling top of her lungs and lashing out at her AP for now showing the commitments needed. It happened over this weekend when I and my kids were not at home. Honestly, I enjoyed the yelling/shouting, etc. Subsequently, she picked a fight with my elder daughter who called her lier, etc.

I was certainly moved by the misery she is in now, so talked to her this morning and advised her to take wise decision going forward in life. She started crying. I further hugged her told nothing further but make wise decisions in life. After that, I learned from a friend who is also her office colleague that she was having lunch with her AP. .

When will she be moving out?

It will be dependent on how long the divorce process takes. I am noticing shifting positing in terms of what she wants and not. The biggest issue we have to resolve is not letting her AP come close to my girls.

She is very vocal that she will not move out unless papers are signed.

I am targeting no more that 6 months at this time. Her AP divorce was dragged for 18 months.

G'Day Melody and all other support members - sorry for being incommunicado for a while.

Just a quick update. My divorce got finalized on Dec 8, 2020. She stayed this home all throughout. Lawyers managed everything which now stands at 50:50. I am keeping the current home.

She also gets kids 50% but they have told her in no uncertain terms about not going or seeing the face of the other guy (also my ex-friend now). BTW she also married him on 12/14/2020 in court. Yes, you read it right - within a week. She came back this home and now packing her stuff and will likely leave soon after Christmas. Kids vehemently opposed but she had her own mind. I virtually had no communication with my ex for almost a year as it mostly resulted in an unpleasant argument.

My girls (14 and 11 now) are mostly fine. Elder one behaves with some maturity and talks to her Mumma mostly ok. The younger one has mostly distanced herself from her Mumma and invariably ends up saying lots of things which her mother sometimes fights back. She also admitted to the kids that her affair was going on for the past 4-5 years.

She is also working hard to reestablish her social contact. Friends are vacillating and confused about keeping or dropping the friendship with her. She is forcing herself everywhere by going the extra mile.

A new chapter will start for us hopefully post Christmas.

Thank you for all your support!

Glad to hear from you. I have been wondering how things turned out for you. Stay the Course to be a good role model for your children, as their only sane parent.