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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
She's still in contact with him. She will not come out of the fog until some time after all contact ceases.


hmmm seems then never. She is openly admitting to her parents that she is in contact with him. Her parents are advising me to start preparing to live with kids.

However, she sometimes comes to me tries to talk to me nicely as if she cares.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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So, what do you do?

You plan A her while respectfully demanding she end the affair and sever all contact.

The plan is to take her out of withdrawal with you, and into conflict.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/conflict.htm

Hopefully, at the same time, she will be driven into conflict or withdrawal with her affair partner, and the same with his state of mind with her.
When this happens, the affair will erode due to rampant love-busting behavior.

You have the advantage due to marital and family history and children.


This will be a marathon, sir. Not a sprint.

Once you wrest her away, there may be a dip where she may go into withdrawal again - but you must keep plan A up!

When you eliminate the competition, and meet her needs to a degree that she is in conflict or intimacy with you, the fog will begin lift.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by Gname
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
She's still in contact with him. She will not come out of the fog until some time after all contact ceases.


hmmm seems then never. She is openly admitting to her parents that she is in contact with him. Her parents are advising me to start preparing to live with kids.

However, she sometimes comes to me tries to talk to me nicely as if she cares.


Your inlaws are giving you bad advice so just ignore it. Your marriage is far from over. Her relationship with the OM is doomed. You need to let your inlaws know that your marriage has a much greater chance of surviving than the affair. 65% of marriages survive affairs, 95% of affairs fall apart. Ask them to support your marriage and not her affair.

Just take it slow and do your best to be as attractive as possible. The OM will screw up eventually.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As you continue to listen to the great advice here and attract your WW back. Read wifedivorcing's thread. It's a very good read.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quick update: it’s almost a ritual now that I try to lay down with her on her bed once a week on Saturday or Sunday. This week I did on both the days . Saturday was mostly peaceful. she mentioned getting tired and do not want to talk anything nasty.

This morning i was holding and talking to her. She mentioned that she can live without such a hug for a long time. I said good habit and living alone will be better than going in dirt. Just in case you decide to leave. This triggered her a bit. i talked about doing to friends in Connecticut and sending kids there. She doesn't want to go there as all friends know. I said I am going.

This triggered and she went on a rant again that you are not my man and blackened your own face by letting her friends know. I am holding back on divorce and not making a decision. I told her that she is a free person and can do what she wants. She continued to say why why can't you mutually agree. I said if you file for divorce, I will do necessary that need to get done by me in court. She kept ranting after that also along with the kids. My elder daughter told her that our fun is ruined and people are not inviting us. Rant for a few mins went on and on. This was our Sunday morning.

I have noticed one thing, every time I show some love or affection, she start acting pricey and start throwing tantrums


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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I am positive that me trying to show love and affection to her is being seen as weakness and she gets emboldened to start ranting.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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Originally Posted by Gname
I am positive that me trying to show love and affection to her is being seen as weakness and she gets emboldened to start ranting.


No, it confuses her. She has been demonizing you for a long time in order to justify her affair. When you are nice, it ruins that narrative. She is trying to bait you into a fight! This is CLASSIC wayward behavior. Don't fall for it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Gname
Quick update: it’s almost a ritual now that I try to lay down with her on her bed once a week on Saturday or Sunday. This week I did on both the days . Saturday was mostly peaceful. she mentioned getting tired and do not want to talk anything nasty.


Be sure and don't talk about anything nasty. Be as inviting as possible EXCEPT when divorce comes up!

Quote
She continued to say why why can't you mutually agree. I said if you file for divorce, I will do necessary that need to get done by me in court.


That is good!

Quote
My elder daughter told her that our fun is ruined and people are not inviting us.


Good for her!!

Just hang in there, Gname. This is a marathon, not a sprint. When you are in the state of conflict it is a good thing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thank you Melody.

What I fail to understand how mad one can be to say I went out to blacken my face by crying to people and gaining sympathy of others. Not sure where she gets such audacity to say such things. I get shocked to hear such things. She repeats that it was a family matter and could have stayed in family. Such as crass she has turned into that it makes me thinks twice if my approach of reconciling with her is correct.

I am leaving for business trip today to CA. My younger daughter told her y’day by mistake. She seems very happy that I will be going out for 2-3 days. My in-laws and kids are still at home.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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she made some nice Indian cuisine lunch that I did not eat, however asked if she can pack it for me to eat at the airport. She promptly got up and made two rolls of it. For the past two weeks she cocked food on the weekend and asked me have lunch which I avoided.

Before leaving for the airport I gave hug to the kids and also asked her to come close for hug and told her that 3 1/2 months have passed and it’s time to get over all mess and start thinking of kids future.

She replied lots of mess here I have created by telling people so I have made decision to leave. My elder one got angry with her and told to keep quiet as she has not done anything about leaving but giving some empty threat. I asked my daughter to not talk as she is an adult and cane make her decision. My elder verbally thrashed her by saying if you have made decision, move forward with paperwork to leave home. She said a few more things which I could not hear.

She text me after

- Gname high time you realize we cannot be together
- Things that have happened between us are irreparable
- Don’t give false hopes to kids

I replied
- Talk to them and tell them not to be hopeful

She replied
- I hv always told them that I will be leaving the house


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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Originally Posted by Gname
she made some nice Indian cuisine lunch that I did not eat, however asked if she can pack it for me to eat at the airport. She promptly got up and made two rolls of it. For the past two weeks she cocked food on the weekend and asked me have lunch which I avoided.

Before leaving for the airport I gave hug to the kids and also asked her to come close for hug and told her that 3 1/2 months have passed and it’s time to get over all mess and start thinking of kids future.

She replied lots of mess here I have created by telling people so I have made decision to leave. My elder one got angry with her and told to keep quiet as she has not done anything about leaving but giving some empty threat. I asked my daughter to not talk as she is an adult and cane make her decision. My elder verbally thrashed her by saying if you have made decision, move forward with paperwork to leave home. She said a few more things which I could not hear.

She text me after

- Gname high time you realize we cannot be together
- Things that have happened between us are irreparable
- Don’t give false hopes to kids

I replied
- Talk to them and tell them not to be hopeful

She replied
- I hv always told them that I will be leaving the house



Gname, I would not lecture your daughters when they say truthful things to your wife. They have a right to express their disappointment to her. As long as they are respectful, they should be allowed. And your daughters know their mother is an "adult," that does not make her actions correct.

And why hasn't your wife left yet? So far I agree with your daughter that it is an empty threat. And it sounds to me like she is still trying to blame you for her leaving.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Gname

What I fail to understand how mad one can be to say I went out to blacken my face by crying to people and gaining sympathy of others. Not sure where she gets such audacity to say such things. I get shocked to hear such things. She repeats that it was a family matter and could have stayed in family. Such as crass she has turned into that it makes me thinks twice if my approach of reconciling with her is correct.


She knows very well who has the BLACKENED NAME here and it is not you! grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Another update - she called me at the airport and tried to say the same things in other words such as I feel terrible in standing next to you in any friends gathering. I want to keep my leftover pride intact by leaving. She also said that it will also give me some pride. I did not respond much and disconnected in the pretext of security.

But she mentioned that I have some attachment because we have lived together for 15 years. And don’t let it be one reason for soft or weakness.

I disconnected the line to avoid lengthy conversation


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
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She is rethinking her decisions... I love that your daughters are giving her hell! That is one of the most positive developments you have going.

When she calls, be as pleasant as possible and try guiding her to more positive subjects. Let her talk. Conversation is a very effective way of meeting a woman's needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you Melody. What is the best response when she said you have made it impossible for me to stand next to you among the friends. You have exposed me everywhere. I have to protect my pride now.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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Originally Posted by Gname
Thank you Melody. What is the best response when she said you have made it impossible for me to stand next to you among the friends. You have exposed me everywhere. I have to protect my pride now.


I'm sorry you feel that way... hmmmm Just understand that she is saying this to punish you. You can't let it bother you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you Melody. In another thread, I learned about Cheaterville.com . Can I post about the OM here? Any legal risk? Do I have to be anonymous? I would love to backdate and post and show it to my WW.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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I sent a few text from airplane to my unfaithful spouse.

1. Xxx ((wife name) - think the reasons you told for this grave mistake. You mentioned today that some of what you said was not true.

You know well what is true and what is not. It will help you in clearing clutter of mind. You know well there was no reason for you to do this except you got sucked into an environment where some one was there to manipulate the situation. You let your guard down by importance you received from someone.

2. Don’t forget that the one who manipulated you here had no moral and ethics + he never cared for your well being. Any wrong always gets caught.

3. My counselor advise: See, most Adulterous men don't want trouble from angry husbands. They just want a little side fun and don't give a CRAP about the wayward wife. After all, only the lowest scum would degrade a married woman in such a way. It is obvious he does not care about her. So the idea is to give him as much grief as possible.

4. The lawyer will subpoena the Adulterer scumbag emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! Entire history will come in public domain. Please let them know.

5. My counselor response to your AP was - actually the adultery with your wife does not only involve 3 people. It involves children, family, and friends. This has no future because he will be eternally hated by your children and their family. You have no reason to hide dirty secrets for him. If he didn't want people to know what he has done to your family, he shouldn't have done it. In most of the cases, these secrets are just for side fun even though they claim to be soul mate.

6. OM (other man) don't sign up for mess. They are usually cowards. they only wanted the fun part not the hard part. He will be on the run soon.

Last edited by Gname; 08/05/19 12:28 AM.

Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
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Originally Posted by Gname
I sent a few text from airplane to my unfaithful spouse.

1. Xxx ((wife name) - think the reasons you told for this grave mistake. You mentioned today that some of what you said was not true.

You know well what is true and what is not. It will help you in clearing clutter of mind. You know well there was no reason for you to do this except you got sucked into an environment where some one was there to manipulate the situation. You let your guard down by importance you received from someone.

2. Don’t forget that the one who manipulated you here had no moral and ethics + he never cared for your well being. Any wrong always gets caught.

3. My counselor advise: See, most Adulterous men don't want trouble from angry husbands. They just want a little side fun and don't give a CRAP about the wayward wife. After all, only the lowest scum would degrade a married woman in such a way. It is obvious he does not care about her. So the idea is to give him as much grief as possible.

4. The lawyer will subpoena the Adulterer scumbag emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! Entire history will come in public domain. Please let them know.

5. My counselor response to your AP was - actually the adultery with your wife does not only involve 3 people. It involves children, family, and friends. This has no future because he will be eternally hated by your children and their family. You have no reason to hide dirty secrets for him. If he didn't want people to know what he has done to your family, he shouldn't have done it. In most of the cases, these secrets are just for side fun even though they claim to be soul mate.

6. OM (other man) don't sign up for mess. They are usually cowards. they only wanted the fun part not the hard part. He will be on the run soon.


The following text came after the above

Her response
- Gname. Stop it
- See what have you done to me
- Forget the other man You have demeaned me completely in front of everyone
- I am very clear on one thing , I was in this relationship willingly
- You or your lawyer what ever you try , I am never going to support any false claim
- You can never force me to do so
- Even if I want to , I cannot stay with you

My text: I am sorry you feel that way.

Her text again
- Because the way you have made me feel and believe how I am
- Nothing can now change that
- You have done whatever you could
- If I so bad what you have told people why are you here

My text: I will certainly go after the scum who destroyed my family

Her text again
- I can’t live with you , with a person who has made me feel so petty
- You almost got me kicked from people
- That is your choice
- I was in this raltionship by choice
- You are wasting your time
- But it’s your choice

My text:
- I only stated the fact and sorry that it hurt you
- It did hurt me beyond imagination and all associated
- Kids will suffer the maot

Her text
- In front of the world ... so that everyone can judge me and throw stones at me
- You are not a man who can handle stuff
- Kids are suffering a lot in this environment
- It is getting toxic for me and for them
- Neither is it Pleasant for you
- You could clearly not handle your woman
- Handling in terms of her feelings, sentiments nothing
- Live your land of principles ... please spare me
- Living every second with you is demeaning to me
- I can only say that your lawyer or counselor is wasting your time and misleading you
- She is an idiot to make a statement of adultry and all
- I was in an affair with him .. you or your advisor can say or claim whatever you want
- I am not going to lie any more

My text
- I have no intention to hurt you
- What's the reality of life - never ever imagined that will ever exchange such messages in life. Life was all good just a few months ago.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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Posts: 139
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Good Morning - some more text exchange:

Gname:
xxx - after re-reading the above, looks like this was purely your initiative to get involved with him than his. He may be lesser culprit here looks like. Let me know. Thx
Wayward Wife:
You can interpret the way you want
Gname:
Ok, have a great day
I have no other purpose but to save the marriage as I believe in a unified family which provides a strong and positive environment for the kids. Our kids deserve an environment what a majority gets especially in an Indian community.
I will fight for it and will not let and outsider break it.
Wayward Wife:
I don’t believe in showoff
Gname:
Maturity and wisdom is not show off
Wayward Wife:
We have shown enough of it
Gname:
Important is to look for the future and provide stability
Wayward Wife:
I can’t live with you please understand
Gname:
I understand you well hence making this effort. You have been a great mother and wife. I will make every effort to make you comfortable to take back that place. A mistake happened and should not break it further.
I understand your current feeling. It will pass and you will overcome the challenges to be same as what you were.
Kids love you and they will love to see their mother always being around them and be their strength.
I am hurt but not out of you. I will equally love you and work on to make you comfortable to lead a normal life as a partner.
Wayward Wife:
I cannot
I am out of this relation
Gname:
And all friends are our friends of marriage.
Wayward Wife:
Ok good continue with them
Gname:
They all there to help and not judge
Wayward Wife:
I don’t need any help
Gname:
I also know that you were never selfish to just walk away. I know your current complex feeling. I also know you are strong to overcome the negativity and rebuild from the ruins
You possess great qualities and strength as a mother. Let’s give the child what they deserve
You would be able to do so by stopping any kind of contact with him. It hurts all associated. By keeping contact, you are hurting yourself and everyone.
You will have an extremely fulfilling life living with your biological child
Counseling is helping me discover as myself. I am a family man and will do all to protect my family.
And xxxx - I know you well. Barring the drift, you are a nice person, mother, and partner. Don’t let the exception ruin your remaining life
And let me also put this that my fight for family also means no easy walk away. So there is no mutual agreed stuff. There is nothing like this. One of the partner initiate. If you do then yes, my lawyer will handle the matter after that. You know me very well how much I give importance to money.
Wayward Wife:
I will be happy if I am away from you
Own it up and move on
Kids will be happy if they are in a happy space
I am not in a happy space with you
And is not possible
Gname:
You are saying this but heart in heart you know you have plenty left at home
Wayward Wife
I don’t
I don’t want to be here
Please understand
Anything that associates to you and us is not good for me
Gname:
Have a wonderful day
Wayward Wife:
Stop trying to warn me
I don’t need your advice, warning or any [censored] from you
You have ruined my remaining life with you
Don’t live in any hope from me
I don’t want to do things till the time I am in this relation
I am still maintaining some decency of our marriage
I can openly start doing things, just to maintain some dignitary of our dying relationship I am avoiding it

Last edited by Denali; 08/05/19 09:12 AM. Reason: removed name

Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
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