My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married almost 4, I will give you this in a nutshell.

on 2/13/14 My W comes home and tells me she filed for divorce , didn't have her wedding rings on and had a new cell phone that is through her mothers account.

I asked what was goingon she told me, she is miserable and she cant do it anymore. She said she has been miserable for a long time etc... I didn't beg or plead with her I just acknolwedge what she was telling me, She did tell me in the past that there were issues and I asked what can we do about them and neither one of us putthe attempt to fix them.

My wife said the main issue is my strained relationship with step son, I could go way into depth about this, but one thing is for sure he made it clear when he only wanted his mother and nobody else could have her. He's 14 now. She said I took her for granted, by not giving her the attention she needs, by me drinking, not spending time with her and the kids. I enede up on afternoon shift about one year ago and thats what eveything went down hill rapidly.

I accidentally stummbled across her affair by going to a store right next to her work mind you she did file for divorce already this was about 3 weeks after her filing, I had a suspected something was off. I drove in the parking lot at 6:15pm and her car was know where in the parking lot, she said she was working till 8:00pm< so I called her work and the answering service picked up and they were closed. I drove around looking for her but couldn't find her, so I went home.

My wife came home around 10:30pm, she came in really fast hung up her jacket and then right into the shower, she never does this. I smelled a very strong odor of firewood in the air. I then smelled her coat samething. Tis was a wednesday, and I'll rewind to saturday before, she came home around 12:45am right at the same time I get home from work, she gets in the house fast and I smelled that firewood smell again. I didn't think anything of it. She said she was going to help her girl friend clean her new house that saturday. She left around 12:00pm and comes home at 12:45am.

Back to Wednesday, I put the two together, I go in bathroom and asked her if she worked late she replies yes. I said oh just got off she replies yes just a little bit ago. I asked her I drove by your work and you weren't there, oh my car was in the other parking lot. I said I checked it and it wasn't there. I said I called your work and it was closed, there was a seminar going on, but not sure for which business. She gets defensive and replies what your stalking you wife now. I said no, I was at the store and I was wanting to talk to you about the tax money. She doesn't know what time I'm talking about. She is pretty defensive at this time I ask her to swear on my daughters life she says no. she gets out of the shower and doesn't want me to see her. I notice a weird mark on her left hip like three lines something pinched her and I asked about it and she said I don't know, you know me I'm always bumping into things.

So I finally investigate and find out she is having an affair by over hearing a phone conversation of hers in the house last week, she didn't know I was home and I listen to it, boy it sucked, she was talking about divorcing me etc.. and then told him when they are together it will be their time to be together etc..

I open the door and she puts the phone under the covers and turns is clicking to turn it off. I ak what you laughing about, nothing why are you home early, I just because and I asked her who were you talking to she replied GF name. I said Oh. Iasked her if she is talking to another man and she said no. I told her that if she's having an affair its not a deal breaker and we can get through it and work on our marriage.. She rplies your making something out of nothing.

I end up getting concrete proof about the affair I won't tell how I got it. She still denies it.

Saturday I sit her down and explain to her that I know for a fact she is having an affair and she again denies it. I tell her that we can get through this and we can rebuild our marriage. I do this with no yelling or anything, she still denies it. She then starts to gas light me, by being flirtatious etc. she did go out this night and friday night, saying with GF, well Friday I confirmed not a GF thats for sure.

I tell my family as i'm venting about it and guess, what someone told someone who then told my wife on this Monday, she come home like a tornado flipping our bed in the air screaming and ranting, where is it the device. I told I don't know what. She starts to say great your family can make me out to be a whore and horrible person etc.. I tell her that we can still save this marriage and she tells me no all you will do is throw it back into my face. I told her that won't happen we will go through a process to recover. She did put alot of blame back on me especially her being focused on how i found out. She also said I ruined any glimmer of hope! I will continue in the next post.

Hi wd, welcome to marriage builders. I believe we get the point so another post is not necessary. Please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and we can talk.

WW filed for D, you have proof of an affair. You started exposure and your WW is flipping out. That's enough of a backstory for now.

You need to get busy finishing your exposure. I recommend you follow ML's advice, read the exposure thread NOW and come back so we can help you finish it ASAP to have the greatest chance of killing the affair.

And please stop trying to "talk" your WW out of her affair. That just serves as a lovebuster and engages her in a fight.

Do you know who OM is? Do you have his full name?

I do know who the other man is and yes I have his full name, He's not married. actually exposure was an accident.

I tell you there are two different approaches, this site says expose and divorce busting says not to. I'm confused. I read exposure 101.

How will she want to face any of these people again and everyone knows are business.

Oh boy.

Well, let us know if you want help doing a nuclear exposure. The clock is ticking.

You will need to tell us who you have already to exposed to and what you said.

What I posted to someone else earlier today:

Exposure is your most powerful weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. Keeping them a secret only serves to enable the affair and cause it to last longer. The longer it lasts, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it is to save your marriage. We have had people come here from divorce busters who thought all was lost and saved their marriages using exposure tactics. Enabling does not save marriages.

This is a GOOD thing. When people come here and there are no close friends of family nearby and the wayward doesn't really care about exposure, then that's a BAD thing.

You need to change the way that you are looking at it. Your WW getting upset because people know means you have a pretty great shot at killing this affair.

That is the beauty of exposure. It is no fun to carry on an affair when everyone knows what you are doing. It takes all the fun out of it and motivates the person to end the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

If you bring in a crowd of people to the crackhouse to watch the crackheads smoke crack and the crackheads are uneasy, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

And please, I repeat PLEASE, don't go threaten your WW to end her affair and write a NC letter or you will be exposing to x y and z.

It won't work!!

what is the success rate in exposing the affair for reconcilliation? When she found out my family knows, she said I ruined any glimmer of hope.

I don't know how long the affair has been going on. I look back at some old text messages in august 2013 and she actually implied i was up to no good. I asked her why would she think this and she said b/c I was taking calls in the garage etc... I reasured her nothing was going on. I read something that said this when a women files for divorce she already has a safe place planted. I havent threatend her at all, I have calmly asked her about the infidelity, she denies but says things like you will just throw it back in my face, she also said I don't know the half of it. I said your right and I'm hear to listen. she wouldn't tell me.

EVERY recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Exposure gives your best chance at reconciliation. If I were to give odds, I would say exposure gives you a 50/50 chance but it is your best chance.

It is much worse if you don't, because the affair will drag on much longer if kept secret. Affairs start crumbling once you expose them [we have some that end the very day they are exposed] The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched it becomes and the less likely you will ever recover.

If you don't expose, I would view this is as a hopeless case.

Dr Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders has been doing this for 40 years and he says to people who help the affair: "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are enabler."

so its a 50/50 with exposure. My family know about it and there all blown away by it. I do have to remember, something was going on in my marriage that my wife was not getting from me. I can tell you ever since I went to afternoon shift it, went down hill. Her major complaint was how I didn't have a good relationship with her son. He respects me we just never bonded, he never wanted to. He didn't like the fact I enforced the rules.

Ignore the other website, the techniques there are only for people that are not having an affair. It does not deal with affairs, only ignores them.
LISTEN TO THE VETERANS HERE.
Exposure may not save your marriage, but it has virtually no chance without it.
All the things you have said about the situation read almost verbatim out of the wayward/adulterer script.
Since she is so mad, you partially hit the target. Anger at exposure is the first clue it is effective. Read up on it, and finish it quickly. Exposure must be quick and widespread as soon as you have evidence. This is a crucial tactic that most people including me, dont do correctly.
Never, ever tell the wayward how you got your evidence.



Not saying Marriage builders is for surviving an affair only, quite the contrary. Marriage builders is well rounded for all marriage problems, the other site is NOT.

I am not sure how all this is relevant.

Most marriages do go downhill when one spouse works a night shift. And "enforcing the rules" with a step child is a sure fire way to kill the love in a marriage. Marriage Builders can help you learn to manage the issue of her son in a way that won't cause conflict in your marriage.

BUT, we can do nothing unless and until you kill the affair. Your marriage can survive all these issues, it can't survive an ongoing affair.