And I would stop saying things like this to her. It makes no sense in this context. She is about as sure as a falling down drunk. When you say things like this, you affirm her fogbabble about "moving on." You can see by her actions that she is not "moving on." All you are doing is getting good legal protection in place.

How are things?

Hello, sorry for vanishing for a while. Quick update:

I initiated the divorce process about a month ago. She was shocked for a day but got back to her belligerent behavior soon after. She was carrying a phone given by him. Kids were seeing it and getting upset. She hasn’t received notice yet. My in-laws are leaving for India tomorrow.

I wrote the below message to her before initiating divorce.

Xxxx - next week is going to be six months into the journey where at least I had not imagined will ever walk. Unfortunately, everything we had built together - home, kids, friends, jobs, etc were used in an act that will go over and beyond immorality and dishonesty.

It's still so hard to imagine that two people who I had good reasons to trust colluded in the act of heinous betrayal. This will also be beyond imagination for me and anyone. I hope such things never happen to anyone.

Based on what you have told to others, personally, I did not knew, saw or you communicated any disconnection and difference to me ever. Contrary, we were ideal wife and husband for many and us.

The interactions which I heard, you were sold ONEitis which is an unhealthy romantic obsession with a single person. Usually accompanied by affection and completely unrealistic idealization. Not sure this was your vulnerability or conscious choice.

I educated myself on the subject of adultery and affair that helped to look beyond the lens of morality, trust, and dishonesty, and tried to keep the family together especially for the kids. You chose self over everything else and now your open admission on continuing the affair is not good for me and the kids.

After 6 months of attempt/wait, regretfully, you still chose the affair over the family. I have no option but force to make the decision to proceed with the divorce. This will give you the liberty to lead your life which will not be subversive for the kids and me. This was carried for too long time.

FYI... my lawyer advised no need to send this message but I am a victim of my transparency.

Anyways, good luck with your future.

Is she still agreeing to you having the kids 100%?

She has changed version many times now.

The most current is we will talk in court. Prior to that she said you keep on weekdays and I will keep them on weekend.

I talked to the kids, they want their mamma too and don’t mind split living. Likely it will become 50:50. My condition is that the other person can’t be around. This will be our key fight.

Good part is that my kids obviously don’t want to be around that person.

Also, she thinks I am bluffing her that I have filed for divorce. Unfortunately the law firm that I was her AP’s ex-wife. They closed the firm 3 weeks after I paid them retainer money. Good part is that the attorney that I had chosen has started a new law firm. This had delayed filing by a couple of weeks.

Her aggression has still remained the same. God know what happens to them as a person in these affair.

Will you be using Parallel Parenting?

Thank you Brian. I will read and understand this. At this point I am prepping for 50:50 as long as AP is not around. Just to remind, the AP is known to me from the college days almost 30 years. I thought I was helping him in his divorce for the past 3/4 years. He was in my home 8/10 hours a week like a family member. My kids knew him as uncle. Now obviously snake.

Another update:

My wayward is still staying in home. She had mentioned that will go out only after papers are signed.

Y’day she politely requested to pause the divorce process as she will run into immigration issue. she was trying to hint that she may not have a choice but to marry her AP as he is now citizen.

She is willing to go out from home once I pause divorce. 1st time in 7 month, she was relatively polite. Due to my exposure (in anger and more like revenge), she is mostly cut off from the friends. As she is in this home, gets invited to friends get together. she works very hard to show a normal behavior in front of them. She is admitting that she messed up this completely. Very hard to trust her words.

Gname she is bluffing. Once she has her permanent (10 year) green card, she will not run into any immigration issues if she divorces. I held a green card for 35 years. My brother in law has held his for 55 years. She is trying to bully you into stopping the divorce action.

You mean she is cut off from the friends due to her affair, right? If you had exposed that she won a 5k marathon would her friends cut her off? The fact that you believe you are the cause of her friends reaction tells me she has successfully gaslighted you.

I would strongly suggest you don't stop the divorce because you and your children need legal protection. She doesn't care about that at all. She only cares about her immigration status. You need to get a custody and financial agreement in place now while she is fogged out. You will get a better deal and she won't be able to destroy your finances. A fogged out, selfish wayward can cause major damage to your finances. Don't let that happen. Don't pause the divorce. Don't trust someone who has only her selfish interest at heart.

We are currently on EAD.

Green Card is the next step. Based on the online search I did, it looks like she will be in trouble. But I am not thinking about her issue so much now. She spoke to a family friend two weeks ago and was regretting that I meshed up. She did not think of all these immigration issues. She did not think that she will ever get caught. She is very smart in a way that she spills very few things. and I still end up revealing a lot in anger.

On another note, she is making food for the kids and also trying to have me together as family dinner. Her parents left for India last week. I notice that she is a little milder. Also because I am avoiding any kind of discussion.

Thank you Melody.

Nope, One of our friends had questioned others why they are socializing with her. After that, many/most started staying away from her. Also, all our friends are extremely upset with her the way she tries to put up as if nothing has happened. She tries to throw herself in every conversation to be active participants. All our friends are able to see through this distancing themselves with her. None of the men wished her on her Birthday this year. Her girlfriends came for a brief but not extensive celebration. She is feeling the heat now. Two nights ago, I had a brief conversation with her (she came to my room). I did tell her that everyone is able to see how much effort you are putting in to be fully engaged. I also feel bad but thats her own doing.


She told me two days ago that she met a lawyer and will not be using her AP's lawyer. As per her, she has told her lawyer that she will not press for any alimony and will try to take a minimum for her sustenance such as the rental property and business that she started with her AP. She was worried about her visa and asked if I can pause the divorce process. It seems her lawyer suggested to press charges for spying, etc. She told them that it is her wrongdoing and she doesn't want to mess it further. She also cautioned that he presses these charges, my immigration will be in trouble. I advised her to go and file everything based on the fact. I certainly see that her tone has become now milder after her parents have left. I will not pause divorce for now at all.

Also, as expected, my younger 10-year-old daughter is affected by this episode at home.

She is now exhibiting anger, mood swing, talkback and disrespect for most of the things around. I am speaking to her school counselor to work with me on this. My wayward is obviously not connecting with her action but blames me for her behavior (exposure to them + not disciplining her). My younger one is very close to me (now more) and sleeps with me every day. For the past couple of days, my wayward comes on my bed in the pretext making her sleep and go but ends up sleeping whole night. She also attempts to start a conversation but I am forcing myself to not engage in any conversation. I fully understand that this could be a manipulation attempt by her but hard to disregard my daughter's request to have her until she sleeps. It's so messed up emotionally.

Ah yes, that is a problem. If you are the petitioner she will lose her dependent rights if you divorce.

Thank you Living Well. She is trying to tell me the same. Her parents have advised not to marry anyone. But she is trying to tell me that she does not have a choice but to marry him if I divorce her. Her AP acquired citizenship in 2010. I intend to send plea to USCIS to review his citizenship too. He wrecked his family and mine too.

Thank you all for your support.

My unfaithful Is attempting to engage to conversation about my elder academic stuff. She found that a majority of her class is putting their kids on private tuition for maths and music. She asked me to work with her in convincing the elder daughter who otherwise is not listening to her.

My response was that too many things are uncertain and i will not take any additional financial load or Schedule.

Hard to differentiate if any of what she is genuine or manipulative.

I also informed her to start working on her immigration arrangement. She again said that she will move out and I need not to divorce until immigration is sorted. My response was that I don’t want to remain tied and would like to move on to the new chapter. She retorted

Hi Gname, can you finish this sentence?

Thank you Melody. Basically she expects me to help her out in the immigration issue so that kids can be protected. She questioned me how kids are going to live without her if she has to go back to India. I advised her to get married to her AP who is citizen.