And when conflict enters the affair, the OM will cheat. He will "cheat " on her.

Some more thoughts on this post. I have been thinking about this today and when you get a private moment with her I would focus on being POLITE, KIND AND INVITING and tell her:

I have been thinking about our conversation and want to clarify my thoughts. I do want you to be happy. I think I could make you very happy if you ended your affair and went into a marriage recovery program with me. I don't want our old marriage. I want a new marriage where both our needs are met, a passionate, romantic marriage where we are both happy. I know how to do that now. Obviously, the ideal outcome would be for you to be in love with the father of your children.

If you decide to go, you know I can't stop you. I don't have that kind of power. I am happy you are here and will be heartbroken if you ever left, but you are an adult who can make your own decisions.

If you decide to file for divorce, I will let my attorney work that out. I am not going to discuss any issues regarding separation/divorce directly. The attorney I spoke with recommends countersuing on the grounds of adultery and I will do what my attorney advises. I am leaving this all in the hands of my attorney.

The objective here is to:

1. paint a rosy picture of a romantic marriage with you - the father of her children
2. paint a contrasting dark picture if she leaves - a legal battle where the OM is dragged into court to testify under oath about his adultery
3. eliminate her excuses for not leaving



I would assume she is sharing everything. This is a perfect opportunity to fill her head with scary scenarios that she can take back to your wife. Can you think of strategic ways to use her as a resource? Here are some ideas of mine:

1. your "fear" that your wife is ruining her life by destroying her marriage and relationship with a serial cheater who will cheat on her and leave her
2. how you are "concerned" that the girls will never forgive her for wrecking their family for her selfish reasons - tell her you have been listening to this psychologist who specializes in saving marriages from affairs who says he has NEVER seen a happy "affairage" in his 50 yrs of practice. [DrHarley addresses affairages here on this radio clip - I think you have to pay to get it though, I have a subscription https://www.marriagebuilders.com/download-shows.htm?Terms=2670]
3. tell her that your girls and the in-laws will have nothing to do with this rat. Neither will most of your friends, so she will be forced to choose between the OM and her family and friends

You can also tell her about your ideas to make the marriage happy and passionate and fun.

Actually all recorded conversation I have heard, she remained quiet on leaving me. But she use to add that I will leave her at some point and go to India. She Was creating a environment for him to never get married.

She told me that she never agreed to his marriage plans.

He does not have tweet account.

My point is that he is pressuring her to leave and that will cause conflict when she doesn't. She has given him false hope about the future of their relationship. That will be evident to him soon enough. And the pressure will get greater now. Didn't you tell me he wanted to come tell you about the affair himself?

Did you read my post? I spent a lot of time on it and would like to hear your reaction to the strategy I laid out.

Thank you Melody. I am flying back today to home. I have read and will be rereading them again and follow/ execute them. Thank you so much. i wish i could meet a person who is doing such a selfless service for distraught like me.

Sounds good!! After I posted it I remembered you were coming back today. Be safe and have a nice flight!

Thank you Melody. Based on what I have read, I understand the partner (me in this case) is 50% reason for her marital dissatisfaction for her to stray.

I would love to go back to my old marriage. I think it was beautiful. Most of our friend thinks the same way. In fact two days ago my mother in law said this to her best friend that I am a good person and marriage was a good marriage. On the same note, she bad-mouthed me ~ 3 weeks ago. The same best friend of her ended up confronting my mom-in-law saying that what she was saying is not true. The only reason I know because this friend felt so bad that she came and warned me not to be very open with the in-laws as they are completely blinded by their daughter's love.

I want her to express what made her do this? A few time she said I always judged her. I am not sure what she even means. She says this for many. A couple of times I told her to let's visit her 1st cousin (sister) in Paris and Hongkong. She responds by saying that I don't want to go to them. They always judge. Judge word was very loosely used by her for a few people.

I have offered her to come to marriage recovery and/or MC - she has refused both. She keeps saying that I am wasting my time. She is already out and here until her parents are here. I will offer her again. However, I am noticing that she is applying 180 to me these days. She has started wearing provocative dresses. He girlfriend cautioned that her behavior is now looking cheaper. It seems she did this while I was in CA this week.


After the DDay, She was weak for 2 weeks (had some exceptions too). I made the mistake of crying in front of her many times. In my experience, that made her hungry tigress. She treated me like dirt in front of her best friend. After that incident, her best friend almost dumped her. I have definitely told her that I will regret that 15 years (and maybe 12 years for her) of marriage ended this way and the mother of my child will have a troubled life.

I have also said If she decides to go then its fully her decision. Recently I have added that I will have my lawyer take the process from there. This is where she says that I am holding her by not mutually agreeing. She doesn't want to look bad in front of her children.


I will be completely mindful of the suggestion. Will start making more amends. Thank you so much.

Good Morning - is it normal that during some part of the day, I get strong feelings that it’s time to move on and should head for divorce. I also get this feeling because of her attitude to our current relationship or no relationship. I get serious doubt of worthiness of this marriage. She still very strong about leaving. I will try to have private moment with her today but honestly don’t feel like going and talking to her.

Update: I attempted to have some private time with her. She resisted me to come to her bed and lying next to me. She started the conversation that I get nightmare of beaten up by friends who know this. She continued to provoke me to file for divorce.

She repeated the same things and was extremely mean by saying I am not a man because I let everyone know. No one can stop me now. I can do whatever I want and if I have courage, try to stop. I have no shame left blah blah blah. She went on to an the extent to abuse me and talk filthy in our native language. She was mild last week but I am now seeing the aggression and anger came back today. I remained quiet for her to explode. I advised her again that no one is stopping her to file for divorce. And if you do so, my attorney will deal with that part.

Another update: she was insistent on threat of leaving me, I told her to ensure that the other guy is still around for her. Based on what I am learning, usually they leave soon they encounter so many problems. I also asked her to make sure ask for 50% of everything beforehand to safeguard the future. If the other person is soul mate, he should not hesitate on signing on blank check

I don't feel like you are reading my posts, Gname. Your responses don't even acknowledge what I said. Marriage counseling is destructive to marriages so I am unsure why you would offer this. Do you know what will happen if you go to marriage counseling? Since MC's have no understanding of the FOG associated with adultery, they will give credence to your wife's feelings that your marriage is over. Do you want that? I have never recommended MC.

My recommendation said nothing about marriage counseling. It sugested that you paint a rosy future of your marriage TO HER FRIEND so she would repeat it back to your wife.

That's perfect! She is trying to bait you into a fight. She wants more than anything for you to throw her out and file for divorce. Keep being nice!!

Hi Melody, I did not talk marriage recovery program today as I could not reach their in our conversation. I had mentioned about a month ago to her and in-laws. She had outrightly refused and in-laws diminished the importance of the same. I had also advised her to take her to India for a month or so. They advised back to me that I should take kids and go somewhere for a month and give her time to think life without kids. I agreed but have not implemented that.

I will bring marriage recovery next week if she is behaving polite. This morning she was abusive.

We have been to 5 MC sessions between 2 counselors. She refused going and I was uncomfortable with the position they took against exposure and other things. I took note on MC in this and previous post. I am not going or taking her to MC.

A very bad idea. They don't understand the dynamic of infidelity. This won't help your marriage at all. I am sure your inlaws are experts on saving marriages, but they missed the mark with this idea!


All I want you to do is CASUALLY bring it up and paint a bright picture of your future if your marriage recovered. I don't want you to talk about marriage counseling or anything like that. Just talk about how you would like to have a great marriage using the points I made above. You can also sell her best friend on it in the way I outlined above in the hopes she will repeat it to your wife.

She is in an active affair, we know she is abusive. Don't let your decision to implement Plan A depend on her being polite.

Good Morning - we had new cleaners coming home. My wife’s intro to them was I will not be in this home for long.

She met all family friends (moms and kids) last night. She was telling her mom that she could not sleep well and went for walk early morning for an hour, came and slept.

I came home 4 am from all men get together at other friends place. She was awake and asked me aggressively to take my younger daughter from her bed. I told her let her sleep but by the my daughter was awake and came to my bed.

She is not letting kids sleep with her. I suspect she might be exchanging emails with the OM.

I am noticing that she has become more vocal about leaving since I have come from my trip. Not sure if she met while I was away or something else has put her deeper fog. She seemed to be getting milder last week. Things have swung other way round this week. Not sure what could be the cause of revived bitterness.

Waywards are always oscillating, there doesn't need to be a direct cause of her bitterness. Focus on plan A, present yourself as the attractive alternative compared to OM. Read ML's posts and follow the advice.

Thank you goodyshoe- I just spoke to her very politely and said don’t say in front of the kids all time that I am leaving. They are coming to me and cuddling for hope. She said I will not say but I have made my decision and will proceed now. Waiting for her action.

She has probably had a lot more contact with the OM while you were gone. Those 2 spend alot of time demonizing you in order to justify their guilty actions. Expect her to try to bait you into fights so be prepared. And don't allow her to bait you into a fight. Be as pleasant - but FIRM - as possible.

It is notable that talks alot about leaving but doesn't do it. Don't listen to her words, but look at her ACTIONS.