I called on her phone to talk to kids. She texted back a few kids related task that I need to do. I called back to understand the details. In the end, she repeated a few things why we areI staying together. It mockery to our world. I advised to talk later as I was with my team for dinner,

Gname, the next time she texts you would you mind posting it so we can help you respond? I know its highly emotional for you [rightly so] and we might be able to give you some feedback on how to respond.

Sure Melody. Thank you.
Quick question: my wife and in-laws hates me meeting and talking to the friends who know about the affair. Honestly I am now meeting them more for our kids social. We certainly talk but not much about the affair. A couple of close family friends have made this ritual to talk 5/10 mins daily. I certainly not giving in to their expectations that I will not talk. Any advice on how to manage this.

You need to talk to your friends about your situation. You need their support. Just let your wife know that you need all the support you can get. Don't apologize for doing the right thing. You don't have to make excuses like "Honestly I am now meeting them more for our kids social.." Don't make excuses to bullies for doing the right thing.

I was talking the closest girlfriend of my wife y’day. She is also a very good friend of our family. She reminded of a trip that we all did including the OM about 4 years ago. She recollected a few events which seemed friendly gestures at that time but raises lots of questions of all her behavior now. Needless to say that my wife and OM were very good actors who covered their act very well and left very little trail.

This friend of ours feels almost certain that this affair goes back almost 4 years. I can tie this with her bedroom behavior such as completely or no interest in sex, etc. this makes me feel that she was using this home only for her convenience. How do try to find this information from her.

About 2 months another close friend of us mentioned to me that it feels that I was the OM and she was in full relationships with the AP. I told my wife the same thing. She repeated this to me after sometime saying that she was beyond affair with the OM and in full relationship with him. She also said she would rather go there. Am I trying to work on a hopeless case. Feeling depressed. Level of betrayal still makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

Any advice on how to overcome depressive felling? My kids needs me but feeling too low to take care of anything. Going back home today and may be seeing kids will help.

Gname, I am sorry you are so feeling down. You are in a terrible position right now. Dr Harley suggests seeing a doctor and getting anti-depressants. Do you have a local doctor?


I am not sure what is meant by this. An affair is a full relationship. And i wouldn't be surprised in the least if the affair went on longer than you know.. Your wife is not going to tell you now. Have you asked the OM's wife what she knows? Did she know about the affair when they were married?

OM wife said that the guy use to have affair and she gave up on him for almost 10 years. She had no idea about this affair as she thought that the OM will not fall so low.

He had other affairs? Have you repeated this news to your wife? If this is true, I would slip it into a conversation in a NON-COMBATIVE WAY, loving way. She has to understand that if she left you for him that he would cheat on her too. She is leaving her marriage for a cheater. He has nothing against cheating.

I have told this to her and her parents. She dismissed saying that OM has told her everything about all his affair. In fact she started bad mouthing the OM’s ex wife having pre-marital affair. We all knew that OM ex wife had no affair during the the broken marriage.

Many friends of our have conveyed this persons womanizing behavior. She admits that I am 100 times better person than the OM but it is of no use to her. She finds OM extremely caring for her that’s all matters to her. I had recorded some audio where both were talking being the real soul mate for each other.

She knows what she is getting into but she thinks he will hold her hand in all misery. Sounds so illogical as the OM could not hold on to his love marriage. Their love marriage broke down in two years but they were holding on to it for 17 years.

She took divorce initiative but OM may have instigated to convert affair with my wife to their next marriage. He was pushing her from Jan this year that he wants to come and talk to me about this - close our chapter and start new for them. She stopped him.

Plan also seems sinister as they wanted to put both properties of our for loan in their business. I had refused this current home where we live but gave the rental property to them. She denies any sinister intent in this but most of our friends believe that she and the OM planned a very calculated move.

Your friends are right, she and the OM have been very calculating. What I can't understand is why your wife hasn't moved out and filed for divorce yet. That puzzles me greatly. Something is holding her back. It can't be your disagreement about a "mutual agreement" because she doesn't need that. It would make it EASIER for them, but she doesn't need it.

Even though she doesn't want to hear that the OM is a serial cheater, I assure you she secretly worries about it. Just think, she is destroying a family for a serial cheater who will cheat on her. That is pretty crazy. Her affair with him is doomed. Now that it is out in the open it will start crumbling. That is why it is so, so important that you remain as attractive as possible! While her affair crumbles, she will draw to you. And even if she does move out, this is still hopeful. It just means her affair will crumble even faster.

Whatever you do, don't agree to a divorce. Make her fight for every thing. If she brings this up just brush it off and tell her you will "allow the attorneys to work that out."

And I want to emphasize to you how very important SECRECY was to the survival of the affair. This is why your wife is so furious about exposure. You inflicted a huge blow to the affair with your exposure. Her degree of anger is in direct proportion to the damage you inflicted on the affair. As you can see, your wife is very angry about your exposure. You need to understand this is a good thing, not a bad thing. She feels ridiculous having to explain her adultery with a serial cheater and she greatly resents you for it. She knows she looks like a buffoon in front of the world for her dumb behavior.

Thank you Melody. Sorry for lots of update this morning. I had a 5 mins conversation with her this morning relating to kids. I must admit that I triggered a very mild insinuation of deceit in the context of a conversation that required me to believe her.

She again started by saying that I am trying to hold her back and making difficult for kids as they are developing hope. I told her that she is a free individual to go and I am not asking her to go. At this time my sole purpose of staying under one roof is to provide stability to kids life. She maintains that kids are resilient and will be ok we not being together.

She asked me who is my lawyer. She says that she will also use the same lawyer and move towards mutual agreement divorce. I advised her that she need to find her own. She threatened me to remove all tracker from phone and all. I use life 360 for the family after the DDay.

Overall, she still sounds assertive in her response. Her bitterness is gone but sarcasm all over her conversation. She still peeved that I am talking to her best friend. Likely she is getting my mind from her best friend who is also friends of our marriage. I am also close to her but may need to reduce talking to her she may be relaying a few things unknowingly.

i don't understand what this means. What do you mean by "I triggered a very mild insinuation of deceit in the context of a conversation that required me to believe her?"


Just focus on being polite and attractive. Keep telling her that you won't participate in any divorce action and if this does go to divorce, you will be hiring your own lawyer who will counter sue on grounds of adultery. <----- be a broken record. Make her do all the work. If she wants to destroy your marriage and your children's family she needs to do so WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

Adultery and divorce are about the worst things that can happen to kids.

Gname is it too late to change your mind about this? You do not want to enable this relationship by allowing her to borrow against your rental. Actually you want to call in the loan you already have allowed her to make, if you can. I am guessing that OM is penniless and will simply use this money to spend on your wife. This is a great opportunity to throw water on the flames!

OM is rich and his income is close 600k a year. Having said this, I am an executive in a large consulting company having a reasonable lifestyle.

My wife use to work for him initially and later together in another company where he was his manager. He has no need to work for but i guess working outside was a way to get my wife out of the home. This happened in 2016 March.

She essentially grabbed all she had earned for the duration of our marriage and put in the business she started with this guy.

Gname, what is your theory about why she has not moved out? One thing has occurred to me is that she wants to continue this great set up of having 2 men meet her needs. She knows the OM can't meet her needs so she wants to stay and get her needs met in both places. That is eventually going to cause a huge conflict with her and the OM, though. It sounds to me like he has been waiting for a long time for her to leave you and she has not. She is probably making the excuse that "we don't have an agreement," or that she is waiting for you to get used to the idea but that won't work forever.

The longer you hang in there, the more conflict will happen in the affair, IMO. This is why you cannot get into fights with her. When you get into fights with her, it distracts her from the many problems in the affair.

When she was at a bit of peace (no anger), she said a few things.
- I was doing my marital duty here and fun there. fun was going out on trips to New Orleans, and other areas unknown to me. She has made 8-10 business trips in the last 2/3 years.
- She admits that she did not know where to stop with her fun.
- She did not plan this affair.
- She was planning to come out but involvement increased for the past 6-8 months.
- She was thinking of divorce in July 2018 but was conflicted.
- She told her best girlfriend who is also my good friend that she wanted it to continue this way. She did not realize it will get caught and will get this messy.
- In a state of extreme anger, she did say that she will leave all of us and go including kids.

My impression is that people NOT knowing was holding her back as she wanted best from both worlds. She is unable to pull the strength and courage required to leave home. I think heart in heart, she is not ready to go for all the emotional baggage she has with the kids and me (hopefully). At this time, her parents are also not supporting her decision. Plus shame of almost 95% common friends between her OM and me. No one from my side and OM friends have said anything nice about the person. She herself says I am a much better person but that is of no use to her.

So my theory is correct. She doesn't really want to go because she has been getting her needs met in 2 places. Your exposure ruined her plan and that is why she is so furious. She has been telling the OM for a long time she would leave at some point but she has no plan to do that. That means the pressure from the OM will increase dramatically and the fights will start. She lied to him about leaving you and he will know now. You are in a PERFECT postion if you can hold out for a while. They will start fighting about her lack of follow through and the affair will crumble. If you can present a very attractive face you will be her safe place to land as her affair falls apart.

Exposure ruins affairs because it bursts the fantasy. They are getting hit with reality every day. Did you ever send that tweet to the OM I suggested? He needs to know he will be eternally hated by your kids. I really wish your inlaws would contact him.