Like many marriages that fall victim to infidelity, my wife and I drifted apart in a slow journey towards where we find ourselves today.

About a year ago, our marriage reached a crossroads. I had become an apathetic man in my day-to-day life since we had married in 2015. I had no energy, no purpose, no life. This caused her to feel abandoned, alone, and hurt--all of which are completely valid responses to the state of my life at the time. She deserved so much better from me, and I wanted to give that to her but was stuck in a rut that I couldn't get out of. My wife gave me hard love the propelled me into life transformation. She told me that she was prepared to leave, and that even if I did change that it was quite possible that nothing would change regarding her perspective on our marriage relationship.

To her, she didn't feel anything towards me. To me, I didn't feel anything towards her but my steadfast love remained and that was more than enough to stay committed to her even if it wasn't reciprocated. She was ready to separate and walk away. Our marriage has and always will be worth fighting for to me because even though we were young and immature when we got married, I knew God would provide for the very thing that He ordained and brought us together. I knew that if I was going to experience true life change that it couldn't be for her, it had to be for myself and for God alone. I actively chose to turn my life around day in and day out and God helped build my identity and confidence in Christ stronger than ever before. If this hadn't happened, I don't know where I would be today. I knew that this wouldn't save my marriage, but that I could use it as an opportunity to mature into the man I needed to be regardless: a child of God with integrity, purpose, and life again.

I felt like our marriage was naturally getting stronger as a result of how God was growing me. I was far from a perfect husband, but I was present, loving, and patient with her. She was no longer alone, and I was no longer neglectful. We had discussions about our relationship and expressed how proud she was of the changes I had made and sustained because I was clearly a better man because of it. Our communication wasn't where it needed to be, but it was getting better for a while and I trusted that God would continue to sustain me. However, this was turned out to be no solid defense against infidelity in our shaky marriage.

I caught my wife of nearly 4 years cheating just a few days ago. Approximately 3 months ago, my wife started an online relationship with another man that she met in another country many years ago. This is the first time this has happened in our marriage, but not the first time she has fueled a thrill sex addiction through an online relationship in her lifetime. This problem is far deeper than just our marital issues, as I believe she has an illness/addiction that cannot be cured or satisfied through a committed marital relationship.

She broke every sacred commitment we made together. She had planned to visit the man overseas in December under the masquerade of going to see her compassion sponsor child. She never considered a single consequence of any of this, nor had she considered the rippling effect this would have on our families, friends, spiritual lives, and careers. I gathered the evidence and facts to prepare for a conversation that no human could ever feel adequately prepared for. The conversation lasted 3 hours. She acknowledged and validated the pain she has caused me but showed little to no remorse.

She was numb and stone cold at first but opened up more later to share her feelings. During the confrontation she told me that she was proud and thankful that my life had changed for the better but that it wasn't enough to her. She is a moral perfectionist so she didn't go as far as justifying the affair based on these grounds, but it was inferred. In fact, she questioned that if she was ever "in" on our marriage to begin with and that she was too young and naive to recognize it. She re-wrote the story of our loving relationship with claims that she was just too young and dumb to recognize all of the "red flags". To her, the affair was secondary (she told me that the affair was disposable to her and that she had no issues cutting it off) and her numbness towards our marriage was the main topic of conversation. I cannot decide how I feel about this. I made it clear that she can view the affair from that perspective but that my trust for her has hit absolute rock bottom.

After we both shared our thoughts, I set very specific boundaries, either she:
1. Ends the affair, cancels the trip to see this man, and we begin a long and grueling journey to restore trust and intimacy in our broken marriage
2. Or she has 1 week to find other living accommodations at least until she decides she is willing (not necessarily motivated by a pure heart) to try to save work at saving our marriage.

She gave me a firm "I don't know, I need time to process" which is completely understandable. She naturally started processing the consequences and fears of the situation in real-time for the first time in this entire situation. However, I choose to stick to my boundaries because they are fair and justified. Just because our marriage wasn't perfect, doesn't justify the ultimate betrayal of trust. I told her that even if she were to process and come to me saying she is willing and ready to work on the marriage that I would have 0 reason to trust her any longer and her decision may not change my mind about anything--similar to the shoes she put me in a year ago regarding the state of my life at the time. She acknowledged that and respected it. We both took off work today, and have been in and out of the home. She left early this morning and hasn't returned since.

A few important people in her life are aware of the situation and helping us both navigate the next steps. But honestly, I have no idea what to expect or where to go from here.

Hi AMC, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. One of the most impactful things you can do is expose her affair. Exposure is the most powerful weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. I would start there. You have a strong chance of killing the affair immediately if you do this. Please go read the thread linked in my signature and come back and ask any questions.

Secondly, I wouldn't ask her to move out. You have a much better chance of saving your marriage if you are together. Her moving out hurts your chances; it does not help in any way. It only gives her space to conduct her affair without interference. I would take that back.

Hi Melody, thank you for your response. I have began to expose the affair in a manner like you have outlined in the Exposure 101 link. What better options are there if she has essentially stated that she is unwilling to work on the marriage even if she is willing to end the affair? It takes one to destroy the marriage but it takes two to rebuild a broken one. I want to save the marriage but where does the boundary lay between condoning the behavior she has exhibited coupled with lack of consequences vs providing an environment where our marriage can actually be restored?

The impact of backing out of that boundary could be detrimental, no? It could destroy what little respect she has left for me.

She is unwilling to work on the marriage because of the affair. So don't give it one thought. Just focus on doing everything in your power to destroy the affair. Once the affair is dead, she will feel differently. She says this, mainly, so people will blame the marriage problems rather than her affair. It is a distraction.


You shouldn't ever condone her behavior and I think you are making that clear. But kicking her out is not strategic and makes it 100 x harder to save your marriage. That being said, if she does travel to see him, that might be the best outcome for now. If she cancels the trip, you need to find a way to keep her there because you can probably save the marriage.

Another point, this is a very young marriage with no children. No one would blame you if you decided to walk away. We can support your efforts whichever way you decide to go.

Are there any exposure opportunities with the OM? His parents? His facebook freinds? Will her parents reach out to this bum to try and discourage him?

Marriage Builders will help you develop EPs (extraordinary precautions) to protect your marriage, but first things first, you need to expose this affair.

Who have you exposed to and who else do you plan to expose to?

MelodyLane is our expert on exposure and killing affairs. Please listen to everything she tells you!

I think this is somewhat true but she also expressed unwillingness to work on the marriage over a year prior to the infidelity. I was responsible to pull the full weight because my shortcomings made her numb before.


I have exposed to her family, closest friends, and my closest friends. I have not gotten great outcomes from her friends, as they seem to believe my intentions are either malicious or they don't want to get in the middle. I made it very clear that my intentions are to save the marriage, which cannot happen unless the affair 100% dies. I have not exposed to my family because it will do more harm than good. I am confident their resentment towards her will actually fuel the affair, not extinguish it. I do not have any way to contact those associated with OM. I cannot see his social media contacts.

She has not returned to the house in approximately 12 hours. Should I initiate contact or should I continue to wait?

But she didn't break up your marriage over it, though. Your marriage is now breaking up over the affair. You shouldn't hang on her every word. She is very much like a falling down drunk who is high on an affair. If a falling down drunk told he felt a certain way today, you wouldn't take it seriously. Nor should you take her seriously now.


This is where I would start. Call your family and tell them about her affair and ask for their support. The greatest concern about resentment here is not from them, but from you. Resentment from family members can't fuel an affair. That's impossible.

Can you not see any of the OM's facebook contacts? Does he have you blocked?

“I'm going to be moving out this week. I'm staying with [friend] for a while, as I've made my decision. I don't want to make this harder and more dramatic than it needs to be. I'm going to be coming home today to pack some of my things. I would like for you to get my birth certificate, passport, social security card etc and leave them for me.“

Her message to me this morning. So help me God.

She sent me a message last night that expressed some genuine remorse and feelings from her for the first time. I sent her a lengthy and heartfelt reply. She thinks I'm trying to sabatoge her and I tried to show her that my intentions are from a pure heart and that I informed people for her own sake so that she can be hit with a tsunami of abundant love without having condoning her actions. I tried to be gentle and kind hearted. I am returning to work today.

From her: “ I feel really alone. And I'm not. I've been really embraced by love for the most part. And I don't know if that's what you wanted for me because from my perspective you've tried to sabotage my reputation. But I just want you to know that im really hurting. And I'm really sorry for all of this. I'm doing this for myself. I have high and low moments. I'm so sorry I'm hurting you. I wish I could do it without pain.“

My response: “ My goal was not for you to be alone nor to move out of the house. Not for a single second. I learned how to set boundaries better this past year as a result of what God taught me with your help with my parents. But I also understand my boundary wasn’t perfect either, as my desire is to be at your side while you heal. It wasn’t a fear tactic or a scheme to push you out. I truly understand your perspective that you feel like I’ve ruthlessly tried to destroy your reputation, but I need you to understand that my actions and words are motivated by a pure heart. You sinned against me and it was brought in the light and it [censored] hurts me to know that the process hurts you but that pain is a prerequisite for healing. I brought those people into this because I knew they would surround you with abundance of love without condoning your choices. I also brought those people in because you will not heal unless you have godly counsel to get yourself out of this mess. I want you to be hit with a tsunami of love from others, including myself. I never brought people into this to hurt you or destroy you. The hurt you feel is not because of my choices or words. In fact I haven’t even told my own mother because I want to be prepared to guard you against anything and everything that could be thrown my way that’s intended to tear you down even if it means I don’t get the support I am in desperate need of right now. I feel alone, broken, hurting, wildly misunderstood, afraid, and inadequate but I will not let the enemy destroy the knowledge of who I am to God. I want this healing process to take place together but that requires a willingness on your part that you didn’t demonstrate to me after we talked. I asked 2 things of you: end the thing with OM and be willing to work at our marriage. I did not try to over complicate things beyond that. You may or may not have ended the affair and it’s impossible for me to trust that you did but I was 100% willing to put that trust in you if you were willing to make our marriage a priority. You challenged me to demonstrate that my spiritual health, my mental health, and our marriage was a priority to me a year ago and I showed you that I was willing to put in the work even when I wanted to give up. I am challenging you to do the same thing, and am willing to come alongside you through it all. I wasn’t asking for genuine remorse, an apology, or even a pure motivation to try to save our marriage. I just want your willingness. I pray for you every moment I think of you. I want to work through this WITH you. I don’t want you to feel alone and I want to embrace you, but you must be willing. But even if you aren’t willing, I proclaim a prophecy of Christ’s victory and radical love and grace in your life. I want to be a part of that story until the end of our lives. You matter so much to me. I didn’t want any of this. Jesus holds you and I am here for you, advocating to Him for you even when it hurts me.”

AMC, did you have a question for us? Are you even reading our posts?

You seem to be blogging and that is not the purpose here. Blogging is not going to help your situation. The purpose is to help you with advice from Dr Harley's concepts. Did you read my posts? Did you have a question for us?

Yes, I have read your posts. I apologize for the update nature of my posts.


I called my family and asked for their support over the past 24 hours and received their full support.


I cannot see any of his contacts, as his permissions are locked down. The only piece of information I do have is his international phone number from the evidence I gathered when I caught the affair. I should be able to contact through a text app (WhatsApp). Should I confront him directly?

Are you saying that she had online sexual relationships before you married? How many? For how long? Did she ever meet any of the men? How and when did you find out about her past?

Is this current affair online only? Are they having online sex? How did you discover the affair?

I don't whether this is an addiction at all, but if you believe that her "illness/addiction cannot be cured or satisfied through a committed marital relationship", why do you want to stay in the marriage? What realistic hope do you have that she will be faithful to you?

How old are you both? Do you have any children?

Updates = GOOD, blogging = BAD. We dont need to know her every word but we do need the actions that you are taking and that you are reading and taking the advice.


Great! Did you tell them all about the affair? What did you tell them?


Can you find his parents and family? You need to expose the affair to his family. Is he married?

Yes, she had multiple. Most were pedophiles that attempted to reel her in. She was caught by her parents before she executed her plans to go see them. She also had another in-person sexual relationship with a foreigner (from the same country as this affair) that lived in her town. It lasted approximately 6 months before she was caught by her mother. She opened up to me about her past, as our dating relationship was transparent. Her mother was there through it all and has shared this information as well. The stronghold lasted about 6 years of her teenage life. My wife informed me of everything while we were dating, and her family as well as myself all truly believed she had been freed from the stronghold.[/quote]

Yes, he is overseas in a different country. The evidence I gathered was 100% online sex. I discovered the affair after the warning signs and strange behavior I noticed over the last few months raised major suspicions. We were more distant in our daily lives than ever before. I logged-in to her computer while I knew she would be gone for hours and searched through her browser, iMessages, and WhatsApp messages. The affair was conducted over WhatsApp.

Right now, I don't have a realistic hope. My trust is completely broken. However, I believe God ordained our relationship and brought us together. Our relationship was built on grace and second chances. When my wife is spiritually healthy, she is the most amazing person I know and the most effective woman of God. It is difficult to demonstrate the goodness in a reply when she has chosen this path.

We are both 25. Married in 2015 when we were 21. No children.

That was a really lecturing, sanctimonious and judgemental response - and as for swearing at her in print; that is absolutely against Plan A.

She said that she felt alone, that she was hurting, that she was really sorry for "all of this" and that she was sorry for hurting you. All you needed to say was that you are sorry that she is hurting, and you don't want her to feel alone. You love her, you are fighting for the marriage and you would like to work with her to restore it.

Affairs are wrong, and we all need to exercise enough judgement to know right from wrong, but you should not write judgementally to your wife. You took the time to compose these sentences; they were not blurted out in the heat of the moment. Such a letter could do more harm than good. Somewhere in her message was the faintest sign that she was reaching out to you. If she were really absolutely finished with you, the tone of her letter would have been different - or she might not have written at all. You wrote 10 times as much as she did, and unleashed a torrent of condemnation on her.

You can tell her the affair hurts you; you can tell her you want her to end it and work on your marriage, but you must not tell her she "sinned against you" or she "will not heal unless she has godly counsel to get herself out of this mess". Tell her that you can be happy together if she ends her affair, but don't sit in judgement on her.

I told them absolutely everything. I held nothing back. They are aware of all of the information that I am currently aware of. Including everything before and since I caught the affair on this past Saturday.

No, I cannot unfortunately. I have checked multiple social media platforms. He is not married (at least currently--where "currently" refers to the time period where the affair was active) from the evidence of the affair that I gathered. There was mention of an "ex" but it was unclear if it was an ex-girlfriend or ex-spouse.

"About 6 years of her teenage life"?

There ARE only 7 years of teenage life. How old was she when this started? 13?

That was grooming and child sexual abuse against her.

I don't know whether it has any relevance to her having an affair now, as an adult, and I suggest that you do not use amateur psychology to diagnose her. Focus on exposing the affair and, if you want her to go back to you, becoming an attractive husband for her to go back to.