Hi all. This is my dilemma. It's long.

I'm 36, wife is 35, and we've been together since we were 18. We've been married for 11 years. Let me start with full disclosure. When we were teens, I had done everything with every girl possible. A very horny teenager doing what kids do. Now that doesn't excuse any of it, but it's what happened. By time we were mid 20s I had become a much more responsible person and lover and we were engaged an later married. Never really any problems, we were in a pretty good place.

But then, about 8 months into the marriage, I had relapsed. This affair I had was never physical, and lasted about 3 months. My reasons when my wife found out were that our daughter was on the way and i feared being put on the back burner due to the baby and the attention from the OW was overwhelmingly pleasant. But, I begged for forgiveness, she forgave, and we have since for the past 10 years had a excellent marriage.

Well.... We had. Up until a week ago. I was happy as can be, I spent 10 years doing everything possible to make her as happy as could be. It seemed to be working. I can't explain any further how good I thought things were. Last week, we were at a gathering I wasn't too pleased to be at about 45 minutes from our home. Well she had more than a few beverages(I don't drink), and on the way home we got into little tiff about the fact my night was ruined so I could come watch her party. As arguing with a drunk person is never productive, I reminded her that this wasn't the first time this action was done. Under her breathe she mumbled "there is so much you don't know". Seems random, but a previous time she was drunk, before she passed out she had slurred and mumbled "I'm so ashamed and I messed up".

Now, I had never forgotten that, as random as it was then. But now, with this as well I knew I had to inquire. When we got home I inquired and she broke down immediately and I pulled it out of her. She told me she had been having an affair with a guy from work. Once she went to sleep I checked her phone and found conversations that contradicted what she had originally told me. The next morning I confronted her more and she continued to lie so I had to show her I found the conversations. I was heartbroken. She was extremely upset, ashamed, sad, begging for forgiveness, and wouldnt stop saying she was sorry and she wanted to do anything to fix it.

Well, on Thursday, I had sent a request to the app they chatted on for conversation history. Once I got it, she begged me not to read it. I told her I wanted the total truth, and I had to get it myself but I got it. To her credit, she sat on the couch and accepted and answered any question I asked for 3 hours while I went through the convo day by day. Event by event. She had lied so many times. But now I knew everything. Every detail I could have thought of. A 7 month affair, sex 7 times. Kissing at work at any chance they got. Goodnight heart emojis. Good morning heart emojis. She had talked to him some days far more than me.

Her reasons were..They ahd worked together for 4 years. But hey had only been actual friends who talked for about a year... She liked the positive attention he gave her. Her self esteem was never the highest. Despite my every effort to build her up. She said the positive attention made her feel good and curious. Her curiosity grew, and she made a comment to coworkers about how she was attracted to him. He was told, and like a gentleman, told her don't worry, if she wanted to have a chat about the curious feelings they could because he had the same. That friendship grew, the curiosity was gone, and the friendship got replaced with actual feelings. The word love was used, and made clear. The sex was real, and according to her just ok. Nothing earth shattering. He loves her more than she loves him. That's clear. But he is also married, for 10 years with two small children.

Now.... I don't know what I'm quite doing. I'm not myself any more. I feel ruined. But she has made it clear she doesn't want him. She loves me. She wants me. But there are 3 very unforgivable moments to me that I will have a very hard time getting over. They will never be forgotten. She is begging me not to tell his wife, as it's not anyone's place but his. But I cannot live with him gettin away unscathed, other than losing my wife as a friend and lover. The last thing I ever want to do is breakup our home. I'm enraged with the sexual acts. I'm heartbroken she has feelings for another man. She wants a counselor. I told her I might. But she thinks I'm crazy for telling her this is not even over as she and the OM have not had any sort of closure. And they see each other every day at work. Quitting her job isn't really an option. Our mortgage depends on both of our checks. She is willing to switch jobs. But that is a process that takes time.

So....... What now..... I know this sounds weird. But I kind of want them to be together so she can see first hand that it won't be as good as she had it, and I would love to watch it flame out. But for that to happen, our home has to be broken. And I'm not sure breaking my home up is worth the experiment and gamble. Put pride aside and forgive and forget some of the unforgivable things she did for the sake of our children? Just blow up everything? I'm lost.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you have all of OM’s information? His BW’s (betrayed wife) information? Please go to his social media and get this information.

Please read Exposure 101

She will have to leave her job. Every day she sees or talks with him keeps the affair alive and thriving.

Thanks for the sorry. I have no info on her. I only have his phone number and a home address.

I also know it's not done until all the contact is cut off. They don't work on the same floor. But I do understand. She has already applied at other places and even had some phone interviews. Again, that's just a process that takes time.

Hello Dunks, Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here but you are in the right place. We can help you save your marriage if you can follow a plan. Many of us have been through this and have better marriages today than before the affair. But you will have to decide what you want: your marriage or her little job? Because you can't have both. She can get another job, but do you want to end your marriage over this one? I know it is scary, but your marriage will never recover as long as she works there. It is hopeless. Every day she goes to work to see her lover will put your marriage farther and farther from recovery because the affair will continue and your resentment will grow out of control. Her feelings will grow every time she sees him.

So, if you are both serious about saving your marriage, she should give her notice on Monday and never go back there. If she can take a leave of absence and/or vacation time, she can take that time to find another job. Your alternative is worse, becasue you won't have her income anyway if you end up divorced. And that is where you are headed now on a fast train if you don't take some serious steps now.

The first steps are to affair proof your marriage and get her away from this guy. All contact must end immediately by sending him a no contact letter that is approved by you and sent together. [we have a suggested letter]

The most important thing you can do to save your marriage is expose this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only helps it thrive and grow. Keeping it a secret helps no one, especially your wife and the OM. Everyone should know, the OM's wife, your family, her family and close friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and support your marriage. The affair should be exposed by YOU, without her foreknowledge. YOU should contact the OM's wife yourself and tell her what is being done to her behind her back so she can protect herself and her children.


She wants to protect her affair because it is not over. That's why she doesn't want you to tell his wife and thats why she intends on continuing to work there. It is the "place" of any decent person to tell the OM's wife the truth. You would have wanted her to tell you if she knew. That is the right thing to do.

Your wife has no intention of ending her affair as it stands now. She has told you many things she thinks you want to hear, but the affair will not end until she leaves the job and it is exposed.

Don't tell her about the suggestion to expose. It should be done by you alone with no forewarning. Your part will be to expose the affair and then demand that she put in her notice on Monday. I will post some more information in the next post.

Go and read this WHEN SHOULD AN AFFAIR BE EXPOSED
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD

And then read the link in my signature, Exposure 101

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thanks for the all the info.

I briefly told her she had to go. It was a short talk. She didn't put up a fight. She was far more worried about the money. But, all in all, a success I feel.

This helps the feelings a little bit. But still kinda generally lost.

Dunks, can you clarify what you mean? You kicked her out? Or you told her she had to leave her job?

Did you read the links? Did you see my comments about the importance of exposure?

Ha sorry. It was a conversation about the work. I simply told her she had to quit. The fact that he stopped in her office 3 times this week to ask how she was handling all of it was a point I drove home. He won't leave her alone because he loves her, even if he is just trying to be a good friend. I asked her if she honestly thought that was gonna stop.

As for the exposure. I understand it. She is having lunch with her mom tomorrow. We'll discuss more later, but it's a start.

And I really think the other wife should know. But I have no way of telling her. I've got nothin on her.

Nor would she leave him alone. She is addicted to him and it is real important that you understand this. She is lying about her feelings for the OM. Keep in mind she had such a strong emotional attachment that she had sex with him many times. She is downplaying the gravity of the affair so you won't be alarmed. She likely won't end her affair even if she quits the job so you need to be prepared for this. She will need to change all of her contact information and send him no contact letter.

This is why exposure is so critical. The affair is very unlikely to end unless you expose it to his wife. It will be easier to kill the affair with both of you spouses watching.


You do understand that exposure should be done BY YOU alone, right? She should know nothing about it in advance. If she is having lunch with her mother tomorrow, you can call her mother beforehand and tell her about the affair. While your wife is at this lunch, you can call other close family members, close friends and most especially the OM's wife. WITHOUT FOREWARNING YOUR WIFE.


I would keep searching until you find her contact information. Do you have her address?

Don't they have the same address?

She needs to know. Don't expect a grateful respons, but she will appreciate it later.

Yes I have the home address. What should I do though?

Get her contact info and inform her.

Can you find her facebook page?

I don't know if she is on Facebook. I'm not myself. I'm getting very mixed reactions to telling his wife. Half say it's not your place, other half say do it and cause hell. Others say I'm being vindictive. And others say she needs to know which is how I feel.

She told her mother today. I told more than half of her friends and some of mine.

As a whole. Some moments are good, and some bring me back down immediately.

If you are going to opinion shop with people who have no idea experience with infidelity you are not going to make it. The advice we give you here is not our little personal opinions but the advice of Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. These are tried and true techniques used by someone who has saved many marriages. He has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 50 years.

And even if he was not, on what planet would it be a good idea to HELP the affairees hide their affair from the other victim? The only thing that helps is the AFFAIR. Unless you want to be an accessory to the crime and a contributor to the demise of your own marriage, I would not suggest that path.


Would they agree with this dumb logic if your bookkeeper was embezzling your money and they knew it? Wouldn't it be "the place" of every decent person to tell you what was being done to you behind your back? Sorry, but that is just a dumb excuse to be heartless. And in your case, it actually HURTS you because it makes it easier for your wife and her lover to carry on their affair.



Having her tell her "story" is not exposure. She was allowed to spin the story her way which is not exposure.

Dunks, if you are not going to follow the advice, there is not much point in posting here. You can't save a marriage by opinion shopping people who have no idea what they are talking about and even less logic.

I am really concerned about your "exposure" because you have forewarned your wife who is now free to pre-empt you by calling the OM. She is giving him a heads up so he can spin the story to his wife and paint you as the "crazy, jealous husband who believes every man is out to get his wife. Her husband is so crazy and abusive he is making her quit her job!!" Then when you do get around to exposing to her, she won't believe you and the OM will be free to pursue your wife. This is why it is so important that you expose the affair YOURSELF to everyone before your wife gets wind of it.

And by having her expose herself, you are giving her the freedom to spin the story in a way that makes you look bad while minimizing her actions.

Exposure is your absolute best weapon against the affair and you can't afford to squander this powerful weapon in saving your marriage.

Here are Dr. Harley's words:
In other words, exposure is penicillin and you are watering down the penicillin.