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This would be a perfect opportunity to ask her to go with you. Instead of going with your family, can you plan to spend the time alone with your wife? I want to word the message to: (1) express how the affair hurts me, (2) invite her back to the home, (3) invite her on vacation (modified plans w/o my family), (4) keep it brief. Is this good? It feels like a blender full of mixed messages... Maybe split it up? "Your affair hurts me deeply. I am willing to work to restore our marriage - to make it better and more romantic than it's ever been. But, first you must end your affair, and end all contact with this man. I want to invite you back home and help meet your needs, so you don't feel alone. I also know how badly you need time off from work and were looking forward to vacation. I thought maybe we could go ourselves and change the plans for Myrtle Beach to do something with just us during the week instead. I will respect and honor your feelings with love."
Last edited by A.M.C.; 08/03/19 09:47 PM.
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"But first you must.."
"This is impossible as long as you are in contact with OM" (or better phrased in your own words).
People don't respond well to what they 'must' do, but it is perfectly reasonable for you to state your boundaries. Your marriage will not work with OM anywhere near. You cannot control what another person does, only your own actions.
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"But first you must.."
"This is impossible as long as you are in contact with OM" (or better phrased in your own words).
People don't respond well to what they 'must' do, but it is perfectly reasonable for you to state your boundaries. Your marriage will not work with OM anywhere near. You cannot control what another person does, only your own actions. Thank you for your reply goody2shoes, I agree. I chose to wait to send the message and will take your suggestion into account when I do send it.
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This would be a perfect opportunity to ask her to go with you. Instead of going with your family, can you plan to spend the time alone with your wife? I want to word the message to: (1) express how the affair hurts me, (2) invite her back to the home, (3) invite her on vacation (modified plans w/o my family), (4) keep it brief. Is this good? It feels like a blender full of mixed messages... Maybe split it up? "Your affair hurts me deeply. I am willing to work to restore our marriage - to make it better and more romantic than it's ever been. But, first you must end your affair, and end all contact with this man. I want to invite you back home and help meet your needs, so you don't feel alone. I also know how badly you need time off from work and were looking forward to vacation. I thought maybe we could go ourselves and change the plans for Myrtle Beach to do something with just us during the week instead. I will respect and honor your feelings with love." AMC, I would just keep it simple for now. I see your point about trying to fit too many topics into one message. My suggestion is something like this: Dear wife, I want to invite you to move back home so you don't feel so alone. I want to be there for you and make you happy. I know you were looking forward to vacation and am offering a change of plans. Instead of going to Myrtle Beach we could do something fun all by ourselves. What do you think of this idea? Your loving husband, AMC Don't be disappointed if she says no.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I finally chose to send the message late last night. She replied this morning.
"AMC you gave me two options that had very clear and different outcomes. Now that I have made my decision, you are changing your mind as to what that means. I moved out and will not be coming back. It is finished.
1. I am not alone. I never isolated myself despite your trying to push me into a corner, I surrounded myself with community anyways without you, even meeting new people to help me through this.
2. I don't need you for me to be happy, and we haven't made each other happy in a very long time.
3. I have my own plans on how I'll be using this time."
I expected a response like this, but I'm starting to lose hope. I knew she wouldn't be in a place to receive this. Should I consult an attorney as soon as possible?
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It was never my intention or goal to push her into a corner. All I wanted was the affair to end. She has made me feel like I am the one who betrayed her. Do I wait or move to Plan B?
Last edited by A.M.C.; 08/05/19 08:49 AM.
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I would not do anything at this time. AS I suspected, she was happy to get kicked out. Most waywards like that. About once a week send her a message asking her how she is doing to show you care. That's all you can do at this time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would not do anything at this time. AS I suspected, she was happy to get kicked out. Most waywards like that. About once a week send her a message asking her how she is doing to show you care. That's all you can do at this time. Thanks MelodyLane. I appreciate every ounce of your time to help me through the most difficult time of my life thus far.
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Our originally planned vacation is approaching quickly. I decided to message her today asking her to cancel the reservation since it was made through her Airbnb account and is still eligible for cancellation. I told her it was ok if she wanted to use the reservation for her own plans and encouraged her to do so. She replied with a single word: “Sure”.
I still intend to go on vacation with my family because I need time away from everything more than ever right now.
Any more advice for where to go from here? I will message her occasionally expressing to her that I care for her and am here for her. I know there isn’t much to do at this point, and I’m trying to give up that control to God and let Him fight this battle for me.
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Any more advice for where to go from here? I will message her occasionally expressing to her that I care for her and am here for her. I know there isn’t much to do at this point, and I’m trying to give up that control to God and let Him fight this battle for me. Unfortunately, that's all you can do for now on the marriage front. I would separate your bank accounts and make sure you are legally protected. Have you seen an attorney? You don't want to give her an opportunity to clean out your finances or ruin your credit so make sure you are buttoned up in that regard.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Unfortunately, that's all you can do for now on the marriage front. I would separate your bank accounts and make sure you are legally protected. Have you seen an attorney? You don't want to give her an opportunity to clean out your finances or ruin your credit so make sure you are buttoned up in that regard. I hope to have a consultation tomorrow. I received guidance from the attorney I am planning to consult with to transfer 50% of our joint funds to an account in my name since I am currently left paying all of the bills, mortgage, etc. I plan to meet with him and button-up other relevant assets by the end of the week. I hate thinking this way, but it is necessary.
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Unfortunately, that's all you can do for now on the marriage front. I would separate your bank accounts and make sure you are legally protected. Have you seen an attorney? You don't want to give her an opportunity to clean out your finances or ruin your credit so make sure you are buttoned up in that regard. I hope to have a consultation tomorrow. I received guidance from the attorney I am planning to consult with to transfer 50% of our joint funds to an account in my name since I am currently left paying all of the bills, mortgage, etc. I plan to meet with him and button-up other relevant assets by the end of the week. I hate thinking this way, but it is necessary. Since you are paying all the bills, wouldn't you need more than 50%? I would only give her what you are legally required to do. You don't need to be financing her destructive lifestyle. And I would also get her off of ALL joint credit cards. She could hurt you financially if you are not careful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Since you are paying all the bills, wouldn't you need more than 50%? I would only give her what you are legally required to do. You don't need to be financing her destructive lifestyle. And I would also get her off of ALL joint credit cards. She could hurt you financially if you are not careful. Yes, the 50% was only initial/immediate minimum guidance until we have a full consultation. He said I would obviously be entitled to more if I’m left with the bulk of the financial responsibility. I will work on the credit cards tomorrow. This is unrelated, but should I consider putting a GPS on her vehicle to try to keep tabs on future whereabouts since she is pretty much a wildcard? It would be difficult to pull off but I have a spare key and work close by to her workplace. I don’t really see that much value in it, but can’t hurt to ask for opinions.
Last edited by A.M.C.; 08/07/19 10:54 PM. Reason: Punctuation
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I checked her flight reservation this morning (I have the confirmation number), and it is still active. I didn't realize that it appears I have the ability to cancel the reservation with the information I have. It is not eligible for an original payment method refund and would be issued as a credit for booking a future trip through the airline directly to her email, so she could basically just book another one and not send me the confirmation number. I fear that if I were to cancel the trip "behind her back" that it would trigger her and cause her to lash out. Any advice? I will obviously bring this up with the attorney.
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To clarify: I am referring to the flight reservation for her trip to the OM’s country in December, not a flight for our vacation plans.
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[
This is unrelated, but should I consider putting a GPS on her vehicle to try to keep tabs on future whereabouts since she is pretty much a wildcard? It would be difficult to pull off but I have a spare key and work close by to her workplace. I don’t really see that much value in it, but can’t hurt to ask for opinions. I wouldn't do that since she has moved out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To clarify: I am referring to the flight reservation for her trip to the OM’s country in December, not a flight for our vacation plans. I wouldn't do that if you can't get the money back. If you can't get the money back, she would just rebook like you said.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Yes, the 50% was only initial/immediate minimum guidance until we have a full consultation. . You are going ALONE to this attorney right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Yes, the 50% was only initial/immediate minimum guidance until we have a full consultation. . You are going ALONE to this attorney right? Yes, sorry that was a typo.
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great! I would get buttoned up as soon as you can. If she is planning on leaving the country it is even more imperative that you protect yourself financially. You don't want to give her an opportunity to wipe you out and destroy your credit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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