Thank You unwritten.

Gname, I know what you are feeling. You are realizing how deep the deception was. It went on for a very long time and very likely happened in your home when you weren't there. Were your daughters aware that something was wrong?

Long term affairs are harder to recover from because the WS has been in the fog for such a long time. No one would blame you if you decided to end the marriage. Has she contacted an attorney yet? If I were you, I would start thinking about ways to separate and do it in a way that protects you legally.

My daughters were not aware if he ever coming and staying overnight but the use to get annoyed that why he always comes to places we go. I use to console them by saying he is going thru bad phase of divorce. He had not many other place to go. Then the use to understand but annoyed.

I spoke to my neighbor who was not willing to tell anything earlier. He said he had seen many times the OM car parked in our driveway. A many times overnight when I was on business trip. He and his wife talked but said they are good friends. He did not suspect this way but was uncomfortable.

This morning she told me that adultery will not make at difference in NJ. I thought she may have contacted the lawyer but she said she has been doing online research. She said she is going to initiate the process. I said I will wait to see the paper and let attorney do the job. She offered that we can straight go in mediation and take only one attorney. I refused.

I had send message to her this morning that you are looking weak and sad. So cheer up. Then I went to her room to see if can cheer up. Bad idea. She had nothing else but to go on rant including stop meeting friends as they are laughing at me. I told her i am not sure who to trust. One thing i has learned not to trust on anyone.

The timeframe that my neighbor said was when I use to travel to Chicago. This takes the affair to 2015. Jan 2016 onwards, I was home 95% time. Mar 2016 she picked up job which took her outside of home. Now everything is connecting. When I started staying home, she went outside. She reduced her intimacy with me almost for the past 4 years. All understandable now.

Good, because you absolutely should not share attorneys. And yes, adultery does matter in even no fault states.


Waywards ALWAYS say that people are laughing at the betrayed spouse to manipulate them into silence. Don't believe her. You need to continue to meet your friends and family and don't worry about her.

Your exposures have caused great harm to the affair. This is why she keeps harping on it. She is very addicted to the OM. This is a long term affair. Don't let her discomfort about exposure stop you at all. Her anger and discomfort over exposure proves you have inflicted great damage to the affair.

Thank you Melody..

Gname, something to consider in the long term: you will want to sell that house and move eventually. You will be perpetually triggered if you stay there. Not only is the place where they conducted the affair, but it is the place of great unhappiness.

Yes Melody. Will take step by step. For now kids want this place for their friends. Some text exchange this morning:

She sent:
https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce-state-laws/adultery-divorce-new-jersey.htm

I am not claiming for property nor alimony. You I will start with no fault ground . Thou will let the lawyer know the real reason may choose to go on fault ground. You can choose your route

My response;

Text 1: As I said earlier too. My 100% intent is not to hurt you. Time will pass and will keep the good memories and will shed the bad ones. We will have no choice but to connect for kids.

I have to do at fault to get all involved in this and add some more to already a colorful record. I hope you understand my feelings why I want to drag a family wrecker in this.

This was not a 3 party mess as he wrote. His message reflects a narcissistic selfish attitude which never cared for kids, family and friends. You will realize it very soon.

Good luck


Text 2: You may be wondering why I did not reply to his message. I considered him outsider in our family affair. More I think of it, It appears I am the outsider here.

I was hoping that this can be worked out for the kids. More I think, it will not work as 1) kids were never given a thought in this illicit relationship knowing such things eventually come out in open. 2) your length of relationship makes me think you were more outside then inside home for the past 3/4 years. Such things definitely takes 75% of mental space to keep maintaining the secrecy.

I wish you good luck from the bottom of my heart.

And try to refrain saying “laat maar kar kamre se nikal dungi” and other abuse you hurl. We can have peaceful exit.

Text 3: FYI... even in the no fault state like CA and Colorado, adultery impacts the judgement. Once again, my intent is not to hurt you. Thx

Good Morning: y’day was quite eventful. My elder daughter came home after a week of sleepover from Connecticut along with other girls. She was at WS childhood friend and her husband came to drop her. This is first time since DDay someone formally visited us. My WS so far had not allowed anyone to visit home as she did not want to talk about it. These people were trying to come from long time but could not as my WS was not welcoming anyone.

My WS is a good host so she made nice food along with her mother. In the evening she and her friend went for walk. Not positive what she may have spoken but I know that her friend too having some disconnect issue with her husband. She had mentioned when I had gone to drop my daughter there.

Later in the, my WS, her friend, my elder daughter and I went to another common family friend where they were staying for a night. My WS went there for a few after gathering lots of courage as few others were also there. We stayed there for 30’mins. On way my elder one snapped at my WS joke.

On return from there my elder started having meltdown telling her mom how you ruined everything. You keep doing jab at papa and and need to stop all those. My WS took head on with her and started bullying her by telling her that 50% of home belongs to her and she can kick her out of the home, etc. I intervened and said that will not ever happen.

My elder one told her that you keep saying I am going and not leaving. I was all happy in connecticut and as soon I walked, all seems ruined. I sat and consoled her for an hour. My WS has occupied my daughter room threatening her that she is going to kick her out of there, etc.

Finally after an hour my WS softened and took my elder to the bed. Later in the night I went to see my daughter and my wS was ready to fight with me over fan speed. I told her I don’t expect manner with her anyways.

I hope this time she is serious by saying that she is filing for divorce. I really want this to end as kids are majorly suffering.

Thank you for all your support and guidance.

Gname, I am so sorry your daughter is suffering so much. Good for you for standing up for her like a good dad. Your wife should never ever threaten to throw your daughter out of the house, that is inappropriate and vicious. I know it is so hard for your daughters, but I am hopeful this will wake up your WW. PLEASE stick with your Plan A and keep defending your daughters like this, that is the right thing to do.

'
I don't believe your wife is serious or she would have done it in the 3 years she has been carrying on her affair. She is resisting giving up her great gig of having 2 men meeting her needs. That explains her fury at your exposure; you ruined her great gig. What is stopping her from filing now? Nothing. She could file on Monday.

How are things going? How are your children?

Thank you Brian.

Quick update: we did backyard party for my daughter 10th Birthday. Her birthday was on 22 Aug. this time I took initiative to organize the Birthday party. In the past, my wife use to manage all these and I use to follow her lead in doing everything. She is a good host and worked a lot for the party.

Most of our friends came. A few were so upset with my wife that they did not want to come, however, I talked them and all came. My wife was very isolated and did not talk much to many. Some of our friends are making it very obvious that they are not anymore with her if she continues to behave the way she is doing. My interaction with her this week was mostly relating to prep for Birthday perp. As she was getting more isolated this week, she continued with mild verbal attack on me the entire week such as all are doing this because I engaged all in the family matter, etc. I told her not talk all these and let’s stay in peace for whatever time she is planning to stay. I did not speak to her much this week otherwise one line is consistent from her that she has mentally already left and will be leaving physically soon.

Pre and during the party, she continued to take a little jab at me in front of others which was noticed by others and did not like. Honestly I do not even feel those jabs as I have been beaten so much by her that these doesn’t even feel anything.

Her dad now looks very disoriented and could not sit at one place well. I feel bad for him.

My younger one still behave and looks disoriented. One of our friend is counselor. she will start counseling with them soon. Both my daughters are refusing to go.

My elder one had a week of sleepover in Connecticut last week and when she came back, she had a melt down with her mother accusing her of being selfish and bully. She said everything is ruined now.

Most of the friends are suggesting to take decision soon as they see the impact on children.

I am also noticing that I used to talk to a few friends and feel relieved after that. I do not like talking anymore and also don’t like any of my wayward girlfriend taking dig at her. I guess I want to be left alone.

My health is definitely affected now. I had recovered my health by going to gym and swim. But it all stopped for the past two weeks. My head is numb these days and noticing swelled pockets around my eyes. Blood pressure is normal though. Eye and head area is always tired. Not sure if this is a sign of depression. Going to PCP.

Darn, I wrote a post and it disappeared! Did you see my earlier post about visiting a doctor and getting anti-depressants? It could make a world of difference for you.

Thank you Melody. I did not see update from y’day but I did see your previous updates on anti-depressant. I am seeing doctor this week and take his advise on this situation.

It will really help. Even a mild one like wellbutrin can make an enormous difference.

Thank you Melody.

Here is my assessment on continuing to follow plan A. Every time I have tried to have a private moment of talk with her, it has resulted in she getting either abusive or threatening me to leave. It always leaves me with a bitter experience. These experiences push me to stay away from her and many time does not look pleasant. I get a feeling that she sees me approaching her as my sign of weakness and starts pounding on me. On the other hand, she is not showing any sign of backing down or blinking. Both our health is affected. This period of limbo is making me restless.