Hi everyone. I had an affair for approx 16 months with a colleague, 3 months after buying my first house with my partner. We'd had an one night stand 3 yrs ago. I've been with my current partner for 9 years. My current partner had embarked on a journey of self-discovery when he discovered the affair. Coincidentally that was a Friday where I was planning to 'come clean' that weekend. We'd been having problems for years, I had little satisfaction with sex and the affection had completely dried up. He had been depressed for years and hadn't really realised it and his self-discovery had started to show him that he needed to make improvements. The discovery of the affair got us to talk properly for the first time in years and we both realised that we were missing the same things from our relationship (mainly affection) and my partner understood why it had happened.

My colleague lavished me with all the affection. It was a passionate affair where we had the most satisfying sex I've had in my life. My colleague's wife found out one month in and tolerated it in the hope she'd still end up with him (and their two teenage children).

Once my partner found out, 8 months of not knowing what to do ensued. There was lots of towing and frowing. I left my partner in Jan for 9 days to be with my colleague then went on holiday for a week with my (ex-) partner and 15 friends and ended up letting my colleague down and returning to my partner. But inevitably the affair started again until it was last discovered in June.

I think, by this point I had left my partner and re-started with him 4 times. I have been very confused. I love my partner so much but I am having difficulty not wishing I was with my colleague. My colleague is trying to make his marriage work but he feels the same. He however is now scared, that if we ever worked up the courage to get together again, I'd back out. In Jan we had both told our families and lived together for those 9 days.

My lifestyle and my colleagues is very different. He was two children and responsibilities. I've two bikes and love climbing and clubbing/ gigs. Things wold be very different. But I am struggling and don't know what to do. My partner and i have co-dependency tendencies so we are struggling ourselves to know what to do, and understandably, my partner now has zero trust in me and a super increased level of anxiety.

It would be incredibly difficult to leave my job for another that I enjoy as much. I have a very specialised role and have national interests within that role in a very small community of specialists, as does my colleague.

It feels like an impossible situation

Hello Patricia, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, you are in an impossible situation, because 95% of affairs fail within 2 years. Of those that make it to marriage, the failure rate is 85%. The traits that made the affair possible, thoughtlessness, dishonesty, deceit, selfishness, eventually make their way into the affair. It is very rare for a married man to leave his wife and family for a side piece of action. What you should do is leave this married man alone. Stop settling for the sloppy seconds of some other woman's husband. Stop interfering in another woman's marriage. There is no future because of the reasons I cited and because you would be eternally hated his children and his family for your part in busting up the marriage, if that happened. [unlikely]

What should happen is that this married man should leave his job and cut off all contact with you. But since that doesn't seem to be happening, you should leave him alone.

I would also take the time to educate yourself about living together. Dr Harley refers to them as "renter's relationships." They don't last. The participants are only there until something better comes along, as you have seen yourself. Dr Harley wrote a book called Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders that you might find to be eye opening. Here are his definitions of the 3 states of minds in relationships:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Hi, Patricia.

Are you married to your partner? I'm going to assume based on using the word partner that you are not...

I would say you need to think hard about how the men in your life are disrespecting you. A married man cheats on his wife with you? He is using you as nothing but a piece of disposable trash. And then your partner is happy to live with you with no commitment? No wonder that relationship is not working well, either.

There is not much of a good future with either of these relationships. If you have children with your partner I would encourage both of you to use the tools here to learn to upgrade your relationship into a decent marriage. If not I think you would be very happy to move on from all of these people, get them out of your life, spend some time building a life that makes YOU happy before trying to pursue another relationship

There is only one fix for this. As long as you continue to see or talk to the married man, you'll be triggered to continue to think about him. There is no way for you to have a happy relationship with anyone in life if you don't cut off all contact from him, make it impossible for him to contact you, never see or talk to him again, and remove reminders of him from your life.

Remember, he has shown terrible judgment by having an affair while married. You're here because you want to learn how to have a good relationship, right? This is not the kind of guy who is going to do that.

Have you read this article from Dr. Harley, yet?

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-lovers-perspective-on-infidelity-1.htm