Hello,
Yesterday I told my husband I wanted a divorce and was tired of his treatment of me and lack of concern for my feelings or refusal to listen to my thoughts and make mutual decisions. The bizarre thing is we have done Marriage Builders for years and he just told me two days ago that he thought it was the only things that works for our marriage, but that I don't do it and so it doesn't work.

The last straw for me, although I am still wavering, is that we have property in another state and he made an appt for an interview with a company there without even taking to me. He threatened that if they offer him the job he is going to take it. So much for mutual decisions and Marriage Builders. He kept going back and forth that he wasn't really going to take the job but just go to the interview, He really wants to live in this other place but our plan was to stay where we are for 10 more years and then maybe move to the other place but there are reasons maybe we can never move. One is my lack of support there and my husbands sporadic decisions, and anger. In addition my adult son is having some major medical issues right now and I have to take him to appts and this could be a life long issue. My son has a son so I help sometimes when my son has his visitation with him and right now because of a recent divorce I am one of the only stable forces in his life. Also my husband had bugged me about getting a job for a long time. (I was in an auto accident 4 years ago and was unable to work). I finally felt it was the right time to get a part time job and I love the job and now he wants us to move.

My husband has left me several times before and had one emotional affair that was something proven by emails. So him just going to the interview does not sit well with me as I think he will leave again and I told him if he leaves me again I will file for divorce because I just can't go through that again.

So now he is asking if I want to go with him to the other house so that he can go to the interview. I am having trouble knowing what to do.
1. I told him yesterday if he even went to the interview I wanted a divorce, but now vacillating
2. We really don't have the money to go on this trip and I do the finances alone because he won't do them although he says he will but rarely does them with me.
3. I am not going to move there right now or maybe ever because of my husbands personality disorder and I would be isolated there.
4. We will be there a short time and its a long drive and I have to clean the house for the next renter while I am there for the short time.
5. I already had an appt made for my son's doctors because my husband. and I agreed we were gong to cancel our original trip to stay here with my son because other family that helps will be out of town.
6. My son has my grandson this weekend so I can see him (my husband loves seeing him also) and help with him.
7. We have plans on the books to go out to the place for one week segments for the next 4 months so he will and does get time out there.
8. I like my new job here, that he wanted me to get
9. We were just talking about buying a place here because our landlord may want to sell and he said he liked the place we are at.

I am sure there are other things I could fill everyone in on, but I don't want to go on forever. His closet is empty and clothes are on the couch ready to go and he wants me to make a decision by noon to tell him if I am going with him at least to the interview.

Thanks for reading and any suggestions.

Does your husband have a diagnosed disorder?

If the two of you have been involved in Marriage Builders as you say, then you are aware of the POJA. The default state of POJA is to do nothing. So, he doesn't go to the interview, but you also do not buy a house where you are currently located. You do nothing until you have a plan that both of you are enthusiastic about.

Now, if he goes to the interview anyway, I would question his commitment to your marriage, especially since he has had an emotional affair already. Part of just compensation for his affair is a commitment to engage in a program of recovery. If he's not willing to follow POJA, your issues are serious.

If I were you, I would remind him of the POJA. I would insist that if he wanted to continue in a relationship with me, he will follow POJA. And I would express my own willingness to follow POJA and negotiate a solution we both are happy about. That's it. I wouldn't fight him on it, just state what I am willing to accept. But if he were to leave anyway, I would change the locks and file for separation.

Have you really done it? Or have you dabbled in it?
Have you committed to POJA? UA?

I see from your posting history that you seem to pop in here every so often with a specific problem, and then you disappear.

Does he have any contact at all with his affair partner? When was this affair? With who?
Did you follow the checklist for recovery found in Surviving an Affair?
Does he sitll have angry outbursts?
Do you sit down at the beginning of each week and plan 20 hours of Undivided Attention time, outside of the house?

I was looking for a response that day but then I ended up going on the trip with him for the interview and backing down from the divorce. Not proud of myself for not keeping the stand. I think I lose hope..........that is why I stop communicating.

His affair was in 2013, with a person he had a crush on in High School. I don't believe he has any contact with her. She lives out of town.

He still has angry outbursts. I am not on his Hipa so I don't know what his diagnosis is. I would like him to go to a different psychiatrist as we have given this one a lot of money and I have seen no change.

He goes in and out of wanting to follow the guidelines for marriage builders. He just gave me a partial list of his passwords for his computer account. Sometimes he is totally on board and sometimes he isn't, but he is inconsistent with almost everything in his life. Jobs, relationships, helping at home, doing the budget etc.

At one point we were pretty consistent with doing the 15 hours a week, but that fizzled out also. I would love to do that every week, I might even fall back into love with my husband.

My husband hates going along with someone else's plan, so he always tweaks it and does it "his" way with the rules changed for his connivence.

We did counseling with Dr. Harley and his son many times.

I think my husband wants his way and that is why he doesn't stick to POJA.

I just asked him if him telling me he was going to the interview, period, was a selfish demand and he said "well I think it might be but I have more to say about that, and I asked Dr. Harley about it and he gave me some different information about it, but I am tired right now and I am not ready for this conversation right now". This is one way my husband avoids a straight answer and taking responsibility. He doesn't allow a conversation so we have a hard time settling anything. What do other women do who can't get their husband's to talk to them, how can you negotiate or plan.

He knows he will get away with it, again.

We went on the trip and I said my need was to come back the next day because of family commitments. He agreed and it went fairly well. I was able to change my sons appt and another commitment. He did not get angry when we were there.

Its still a little unnerving because he will hear from the person about the interview this week. I don't think even if he is offered the job he will take it but I don't know. He waivers so much and is so emotional.thinking one thing then thinking another.

I am going to talk with him about the Hipa form because he seems to b3e in an agreeable mood and talk with him about the POJA again.

Before we were married I expressed to a friend that his life always seemed in chaos (maybe because of the ways he goes back and forth on things so much and doesn't stay committed to a plan of action)

Is his behavior worth ending th marriage?