Update. Late in June she wanted to work on Us and things really were looking a lot better. Early July began spending more time together including some, later most, nights. No more apartment as of 1 August.

Unfortunately things went to h***. She had started seeming a little more distant in early August, but thought it was just adjustment. Took kids to her family's place for the week to see extended family, I followed a few days later. Very cool welcome. 2nd night there I get, "really struggling, heart not lining up with my head, my motivation for trying was all external, I feel no desire, etc". Since return things are back to being almost as bad as they were in March. I am concerned that she may be restarting something with someone else. I cannot come up with any other logical reason why she would so suddenly change her mind. It seriously was like a switch dimming a tiny bit then totally flipped. Her family is certainly not any help.

I had done some snooping after my discovery in May and she had told the louse that it was better if just friends. July snooped some more and found nothing. Need to look again, but it is difficult as I have not found a spyware solution that will give access to fb messenger without jailbreak. And I don't want to get found out. D**ned technology.

Trying to continue Plan A behavior, but thinking I need to pull back a little bit and do more for myself, add confidence, etc. To upset her expectations and not let her believe I will be a pushover.

Thoughts? *I* know that loving actions must precede loving feelings but *she* doesn't believe this, or doesn't want to believe it. I don't know how long I can keep fighting for this. If not for my kids and God's strength I would've thrown in the towel long ago.

She is probably still in an affair and that is why all your efforts are not working. The key is do some super sleuthing. You really have to get serious about this. Put a GPS on her car, a voice activated recorder in your home and/or her car; hire a PI if you can. The longer this goes the harder it will be to save your marriage. So please focus ALL your attention on learning to become a better snoop.


I would not pull back at all. That would be the equivalent of giving her the cold shoulder. You don't ever act like a pushover or make sacrifices, but you do need to present a very attractive front. What is lacking here is some serious and effective snooping. I would find out THIS WEEK what is going on. Once you find out, don't confront her but come here and we will help you. PLEASE, get moving and get snooping!

Can you access her facebook app on a laptop? Who are her friends? Who do you think the affair is with? I don't think webwatcher requires a jailbreak: https://www.webwatcher.com/?gclid=C...mG-FNCGLkq-ridDaKOG0PV_WRHRoCdeUQAvD_BwE

Can you be specific about what you are doing that you feel is a "pushover?" How is she treating you?

Not anything specific to being a pushover now. I think I allowed separation to happen too easily, and have no intention of allowing a divorce to go so easily. But I don't know if she thinks she'll get everything she wants if it comes to that based on past performance. Maybe a little bit pushover behavior in that I have not been spending much time with friends at all, instead trying to do more around house, with kids and with her.

Will fb send a notification to phone if logged in from somewhere else? Certainly could easily login from chromebook assuming password is same, it's stored in it.

Idk how one would find a pi or what they could do.

I agree need to verify what I'm up against to apply proper remedy.

Thanks for webwatcher suggestion. Looks like it could be a little bit useful.

Her behavior? Not actively mean but very cold. Doesn't want any kind of physical affection, which is very odd for her. Seems to be avoiding conversation more and more. I really thought things were headed in the right direction back in July, we were seemingly much more connected, we were affectionate to each other, made love multiple times, went on several dates and an overnight away from the kids even. Don't know if maybe she was off the OM and couldn't stay away, or, if no OM, what changed.

Never mind previous "if no om" I am pretty sure there is one. Selfies taken when I am not around and not sent to me in her google photos. Next step find out who, right? Fb messenger photos I don't think show up there, just texted ones, so who knows what other stuff...and unfortunately texted photos mean I need access to phone to see where they went.

This stinks. Thought we were past it.

Possible negative consequences of her finding phone missing in the night? Don't want her to know what I'm up to or won't work very well

Also we have counseling appointment tomorrow, I think shouldn't say anything until I know for sure, right?

I would do that then and quickly go to her PM's and see what is there. TAke pictures of any conversations and send them to yourself. If she does get a message, tell her you thought it was your account. No big deal. Why would she care?

How do you think she would communicate with an OM? Phone? Text? In person visits? All of those? Can you access her phone to get webwatcher on it? Webwatcher does record FB conversations [1 sided]. Did you see my suggestion to put some voice activated recorders in places where she might talk to someone? A GPS?


Could you be proactive and look into PI's in your area? Call the police station, and ask if they can recommend a good one. But you are going to have to get up and start being proactive here if you want to have any hope of changing this situation. You have been here several months and still haven't done this.

I am sorry to hear that because counseling is very destructive, especially when there is an affair. But certainly do not say anything. I would stop going to counseling altogether in the future and focus on saving your marriage. Sitting in a "counselors" office is a distraction when you could be focused on saving your marriage.

Just be sure and get the evidence and save in a safe place before you are caught. Keep in mind you have a right to see it all. She does not have the right to the privacy to harm you behind your back. The only disadvantage to getting caught is that she will go further underground IF YOU DON'T GET THE EVIDENCE. So, be smart and proactive and get the evidence as fast as you can and get it safely hidden.

Rats. The saved password doesn't work. Will need to get spyware, or trick her into logging in on chromebook again.

Text and fb would be the main contact methods. Likely voice calls would only be in the car so need to put recorder there. In person meetups if this is same individual as in May would be at or around particular aa meetings.

Really hate how I feel snooping but I know it is the right thing to be doing. Courage to stand up against the works of satan eh?

Yes I agree need to get evidence quickly and efficiently. Any recommendations for a digital recorder?

And does quickness trump thoroughness? Might be able to skim thru phone this morning but I think maybe better to use that risk to install spyware for more info in the future

Do you know who this OM from May is? Have you checked out his social media?

Check out the operation investigate forum on here. Also, 2018 Spy Solutions

Make the most effective use of your time with her phone. So if you have 5 minutes with her phone, I would use that time to install spyware. I would first download it on your phone [if you can] and practice. Be SHREWD and clever, like James Bond.

A good PI can usually get everything you need in a couple of days. Keep that in mind.