My wife has been obsessed with another man for three years, she has lied about it consistently, we have been through counseling (not helpful), nothing changed her path. But, he never reciprocated and it would have damaged both careers and lives, so my guess is he is avoiding her. After a year of fighting this, schedules changed and we rarely see him anymore.

Things got better, she started becoming her old self again (the affair fog was surreal), but I never stopped monitoring completely because her boundaries have always been weak with men (which I didn’t understand until finding MB a few weeks ago). He was also still around periodically.

About six months ago, she started obsessing about him again, stalking him online, staring at photos of him, arranging to be around him again, and lying the whole time to me. I haven’t revealed it because every time we discuss it, she goes deeper underground.

We have a good marriage. But there are holes and they hurt, including the missing passion/affection/love/intimacy.

So, not sure what my options are. I don’t think I should expose, because she hasn’t actually done anything yet that others would view as serious. I’ve already invested in elevating my marriage with lots of attention (date nights, trips, vacations, gifts, etc.). But, it feels like it is falling on deaf ears (her LB is closed?). I worry any discussions would just drive her to hide/lie better. At the same time, I can’t stay like this. She gets angry regularly and just completely trashes me, our marriage, yelling, rewriting history, threatening divorce, and it is really hard to feel love for her or even just be happy anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi DarkValleys, are you married? If so, how long? Any children?

Has she ever had an affair with this guy? Has she ever had an affair in her history? Have you? I take it they work together?

We have been married 19 years. 3 children. No affairs by either of us.

His job involves our children (coach). She doesn’t work, so it’s just his career. She attends many of these activities and we have many friends there that would not approve. So, it would be destructive should anything happen.

DV, I agree you shouldn't expose, because this isn't an affair. There isn't anything to expose. When you say she is "obsessing" over him, what do you mean? I regularly look up people's facebook page in my neighborhood, daily life. What about this makes you think she is obsessed. Has she told you this?

I know this is different. I know it’s not a real affair yet. But, it also just never goes away.

I know of it because she has openly told me her feelings for him before. She still says she wants a divorce and to move out every few weeks. I found a diary of her attempts over 1-2 years of trying to start a relationship with this guy and how she worships him and wishes she was never married. Her internet history shows she is still chasing him today (she stopped the diary when I found it), she has even been flirting with other ex-boyfriends online.

But, every time I have confronted her before, she goes deeper underground. Started a separate bank account, locked me out of her phone, erases web history, and many other attempts to hide activities.

I could confront her again on boundaries or push the issue to go NC with this one guy, again. But, in the past she has adamantly said she hasn’t done anything yet she feels is wrong. I’ve talked about how dangerous this is and how hurtful, she doesn’t seem to care. I think a few years ago, should would care, but I think in her head now this is her “soulmate” (her words) and she’d prefer to be free to pursue him.

If he ever reciprocated, I think she would dive right into the affair based on how she has treated me and our family lately. But, I made it very clear to my wife that if she did anything, ever, I would tell everyone everything. I think this understanding has slowed things, she’s mentioned she is scared I’ll get angry and show up at his work some day and ruin both their lives, but her I am three years later still seeing my wife chasing another man.

I think there is a lot more going on than you know about. Do you have better ways to spy on her? It is very, very, very rare for a spouse to want a divorce unless there is someone actually lined up. Do you have a GPS tracker on her? Can you put a voice activated recorder in the place where she would have conversations?

What is going on in your marriage that makes her so volatile? Has there been fighting? How often do you fight? Are you demanding and angry with her?

I am even more confused. Now she wants a divorce? Why?

When you say she has poor boundaries around men, how? How has that manifested itself? Has she ever had an affair? Did your relationship start as an affair?

So, three years of this. At first, “divorce” was some shocking word that had never ever been said in our entire marriage. I was crushed and depressed. Then I realized she never followed through with the threat. I am still confused. My only thought is that she wants me to make the rash decision to separate. Then she gets to claim I caused it and pursue the OM? She still threatens, but it never lasts more than a few days. Still, this can’t be normal.

Boundaries... well in the middle of all of this she starts an online conversation with an ex boyfriend and they start rehashing their intimate encounters... (her) “do you remember the time when we did the time we did that for the first time?” (him) “Oh yeah, that was my first time and it was amazing”. She never talked about this with me. I think his wife cut him off, but it stopped suddenly. Another ex boyfriend (divorced), she asks me if she can go hang out with him and his friend for a couple days (um, no). All of this died out.

As I write this I’m starting to realize how bad this sounds.

I’m never angry. She and everyone else would say that my biggest problem is that I’m too nice. We have no financial problems, I help her with everything.

Our kids see the changes. One recently asked “is mom not happy today? I don’t like it when she’s not happy”

Why don't you email Dr Harley at his radio show and see if he has some suggestions? You can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. [it is free] None of this makes any sense to me but he is a psychologist so he might be able to make sense of it. If you include your phone # they will sometimes call and ask you questions to get the full picture.

Please listen to Melodylane and contact Dr. Harley.
I agree, that obsessing for 3 years over a man and trying to start a relationship with him without any positive feedback from him is not normal behaviour and could signify psychological problems.
There could indeed be more to it than you think, but it sounds like an awful situation, where you basically are the only one pulling the wagon and her trying to find ways out of the marriage.

However, what we often find here, is that the other side of the equation sounds very different.
You have tried to do your best to do nice things. Are there any specific complaints from her side apart from that she wants someone else?

Read stuff on this site about Love Busters, and really critically look at yourself and see if there are any that you engage in. Additionally, check out the Needs and see if you can identify her top needs and if there are any you don't meet very well. She likely has complained about what she doesn't get from you in some way that you may recognize once you get a label and definition you can attach her complaint to.

Good luck. Don't forget to write the radio show and anything else MelodyLane posts.