New to this forum and have been married for almost 15 years. I have never cheated on my wife, nor do I want to cheat on her, so I need help in regards to a female coworker and discerning whether or not she has feelings for me and if I need to set up stronger boundaries between us. Not sure if it's important but she's also about 12 years younger than me.



I got a new job back in November and was hired with a cohort of about 10 other nurses. One of the nurses I got hired with seems to have taken an instant liking to me. I'm a keen observer of how people behave and their body language and almost immediately I noticed her looking at me and smiling whenever we'd make eye contact. She still does this almost a year later. When we are assigned to different areas or if either one of us if floating she'll actively come to find me and chat and remembers tiny (and what I consider insignificant) details of what I've mentioned to her. We'll joke around a lot and banter back and forth and I've noticed she doesn't behave this with any of the other guys on our unit. She'll talk to them, but none of the joking or banter. I don't actually seek her out while we're at work. I'll always say "hi" but I don't go out of the way to find her and chat, if that makes sense. When I mentioned to her that I'm married, she immediately began to text someone and looked visibly upset. Even before I was married, I never got too much female attention so I'm not sure if I'm just reading too much into this. For full disclosure, if I was single she's definitely someone I'd be interested in dating, but again, I'm not interested in cheating on my wife either physically, emotionally, or both.



So, am I reading too much into this situation or do I need to set some firm boundaries?

Most married men don't joke and banter with women at work. It sounds to me like you need better boundaries around women. They are not your friends and should be treated in an impersonal, business manner. That means all business and no personal discussions whatsoever. And certainly, you should never go to lunch with females unless it is in a group. Keep it strictly business. And you should tell your wife what is going on too.

I joke and banter with everyone (men and women), that's how I am and how I've always been and what drew my wife to me. She also actually knows exactly what's going on with this other woman. For whatever reason she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it.

So you already know where this can lead if that is how you drew your wife. That is where you should start. Start by creating stronger boundaries around women at work by stopping the joking and bantering. This is typically how affairs start. People aren't out looking for affairs, they just don't have solid boundaries and because of this, feelings ensue and then next they know, an affair starts.

That's a good thing that you have made your wife aware of the situation.

Curious as to why you think this is necessary? I mean you said that this is typically how affairs start, but that hasn't been my experience at all, neither with myself or with my friends. In the high stress environment I work in (emergency room), it's a pretty necessary coping mechanism we all have. Everyone jokes with each other. It's what we do, actually its what all nurses and doctors in our environment do. Pretty harmless in my experience.



The problem and what actually concerns me is her indifference to the situation. We have problems in our marriage, a lot of problems mainly from her upbringing (not abusive). Her parents basically had an arranged marriage, and even thought they get along fine, there's not much love so that's she grew up with. My coworker, of course, knows absolutely none of our problems.

Gotcha. But, it is how you attracted your wife and you can see it is attracting this woman. It seems you are acting the same way you acted when you were single and are giving off that vibe. I have worked in a mostly male culture, 80/20 male to female, in Fortune 500 companies for most of my career and I would be surprised to see a married man behaving like this at work. As you can see, it is not harmless. I would only ask that you keep an open mind and really consider your approach.

As far as affairs go, this is how affairs start, with an attraction that started due to inappropriate boundaries in the workplace. This has been the experience of Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders and it has been my experience after 18 years on this forum.


More reason for you to really have your guard up at work. The temptation is typically greater when there are unmet needs in marriage. Not that you would be out looking for an affair, most people DON'T, but when there are unmet needs at home, it makes the temptation greater to allow others to meet them.

Just so you know, she can learn to show love in a different way from her upbringing. We have many people who have been in this program who came from broken homes who have successful, romantic marriages. We can help you with that if you want help.

Very confused now. We had the same break time the other night and ended up spending the entire time chatting and laughing. Found out we have quite a bit in common (more than my wife and I do, unfortunately). Might be time for me to either file for divorce of find another job.

Why are you saying you need to file divorce?

Ok, I am seeing the problem now. You are not serious about being married. You are still open for business. It might be time to establish serious boundaries and act like a married person if you are serious about being married. But it doesn't sound to me like you are serious at all.

And what are you confused about? You can see happening exactly what I described in my previous post about affairs starting at work when people have poor boundaries. We told you this would happen and it is happening. So what is the confusion?

As I mentioned previously, my wife and I haven't had the best marriage due to her distance and lack of intimacy for the past few years. Last night I told her what happened and asked her if she wanted to pursue marriage counseling. She said she wasn't upset and had no desire to pursue marriage counseling thinking our marriage had no problems (even though I've communicated this with her). This was pretty much the final straw in our marriage as I'm tired of living like roommates. After speaking with my brother, who was in a similar situation, I've pretty much decided to file for divorce. Thankfully we've been married less than ten years, so in our state she's only entitled to alimony for half the length of the marriage so I won't take much of a hit financially including the house going back into my ownership (as it was mine long before we married through an inheritance).

In your first post, didn't you state that you'd been married for almost 15 years? Now it's suddenly less than 10 years?

Something seems fishy here.

Sorry for the confusion. Together for 15, actually legally married for less than 10 (10 year anniversary is in January).

Do you and your wife have children together? If so, they would be much better off if you and your wife can create a great marriage together. It sounds like you had/have a somewhat mediocre marriage but never worked on it to make it better and now have fallen in love with someone else. If you had not fallen in love with your coworker, you might be more interested in creating a great marriage.

No kids, thankfully. I'm not really interested in trying anymore. I've tried enough in the past and checked out a long time ago. It comes to a certain point where being in a sexless/loveless marriage just isn't worth the effort anymore and we're at that point now. Neither of us is really interested in saving it anymore. And I'm okay with that. My brother was in a similar situation a few years ago and for him divorcing was the best decision he could have ever made. I'm also not in love with my coworker, she's just a cool girl.

What are you going to change in your next marriage so you don't copy the result of this one? The problems you have now are likely to follow you in your next relationship.

Right now, remarriage is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm still trying to figure out the steps going forward for this one.

In terms of your question, I'm going to pick a partner that's better for me and not make the mistakes I made with this one. For example, my wife was a virgin when we married. We had very very little sexual chemistry and she's just not interested in sex at all. We also should have cohabited prior to marriage and gone to couples counseling prior to marriage to ensure we have an agreement on what we thought marriage should be. The problems in our marriage are largely due to her indifference toward affection, sex, and love in general. I always made her a priority, prioritized her needs (helping around the house, fulfilling her love language which was gift giving, etc...). She rarely prioritized mine, choosing to spend time with her family and friends quite often rather than me and rarely fulfilling my love language (physical gestures). The last time we had sex was 9 months ago, prior to that was 5 months. This is completely unacceptable in a marriage. I told her as much and that it needed to change. She didn't care and said that sex wasn't a priority for her. Fair enough, but it is for me. I was pretty young and lacking self-confidence/knowing who I was when we got together. I settled when I married her. I grew as a person, left a career I hated, went back to school and have a career I love. She is still the same person she was when we were in our early 20s. She's never grown, has no ambition. So I guess, to answer your question, if and when I do get married, I'll make sure whoever that is is truly right for me with the same outlook, ambitions, and drive that I have.

So to recap...you've started an emotional affair with a co-worker, and yet you've got a good handle on what made the marriage you're wanting to end not work so well. Got it. Also co-habitation generally leads to higher rates of divorce, lots of data shows that.

Been where you are, sexless marriage. Women don't work the way you seem to think they do. My current wife was a virgin when we were married and we have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week. Ex-wife was not anywhere close to a virgin when we were married, we had sex before we were married, but she developed a sexual aversion early in our marriage and that sure changed quick. I thought we had "great" sexual chemistry when we dated, but that turned out to be a poor predictor of the future because it didn't tell me anything about why she was sexually interested in me.

What's the difference? During/after my divorce I read the books promoted on this site and found out what makes women interested in sex. Are you naturally interested in things like writing love notes, buying flowers/gifts, planning good dates and carving serious time out of your schedule to talk to your partner for the rest of your life? Because I've never met a man who was interested in those things in the way he's interested in sex. But to a lot of women, those things are as satisfying for them as sex is for men. And men stop doing those things after dating/engagement ends and the risk of their partner leaving them disappears. This makes women less interested in sex. IF you don't get that, every relationship you try will end up where you are now. I know only because I've seen your story get posted here....like a few thousand times over the years by other men making the same mistakes.

I have a brother and sister in law who work in medicine. Level with me...how much time do you spend at home in a given week? # of hours? Of that amount of time...how many hours in a given week do you spend with your wife?

No, you're assertion is incorrect. Having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is NOT an emotional affair. I have plenty of female friends and my wife has plenty of male friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.


Quite a few "modern" women work the way I think they do. I've seen friends and family and how their wives and girlfriends behave and talk. In my experience your wife is one of there rare "wait until marriage" women who actually enjoy sex. Many come from repressive families who have a negative view of sex.


"Naturally" interested? No, but I used to do them for my wife for a few years. Then it was never reciprocated which caused the downward spiral in our marriage. Her needs were met, mine were not and she had no interest in addressing these problems. At a certain point, the efforts go unnoticed, so they stop. That's what happened in my case with my soon-to-be-ex-wife.



I spend quite a bit of time at home. I work 3 days a week (12 hour shifts). Sometimes I pick up overtime, sometimes I don't. I used to want to spend a lot of time with my wife but it was never really enjoyable. All she ever wanted to do was watch TV or go shopping, never wanted to engage in activities I enjoyed. Now I don't. I go out with my brother, friends, etc....She's always invited but never wants to come. At the end of the day, I'm starting to realize we never should have married. I settled when I married her as I lacked the self-confidence I have now and I was pretty weak back then. That's no longer the case. My family warned me about this years ago, I only wish I'd had the foresight to listen. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. As far as I can tell with the laws in my state, since this marriage is less than 10 years old, the divorce will be simple and straight forward. The future is exciting and looking very bright for me. :-)