This post is about everything and nothing.<P>Today I left a Plan B letter in my W's car, and mailed a copy to the OM. My counselor helped me write it, but it still scares the crap out of me. I didn't try Plan A that long, but my counselor told me that it was time to get out of it. I was not getting any respect and, well, was losing respect for myself. All I did was cry. Sometimes, I still do.<P>I'm so very, very tired. I'm tired of the lies, being betrayed over and over, and of loving her so much - trying to give and be understanding while I'm told "You make me feel uncomfortable." I went to Plan B because my W threatened divorce for the fourth (or was it fifth) time. She wanted to call the OM from our phone, from our house. And it was supposed to be okay. <P>I went to a bible study last night, and it was great. The only thing was that I got depressed on the way home. All I could think of was that I would love to do this with my w. That's a common theme for me - I begin to think about how great it would be to do something with her and get all depressed.<P>I pray quite a bit. I know that the affair is rooted in our problems, that she was not getting what she needed from me. I know that most affairs don't last. My w is very stubborn. Very, very stubborn. When she feels everyone is against her and she's right, she digs in so deep that you can't change her mind - you've got to wait until she changes it herself. I don't know if I can wait that long. <P>I know a lot of people probably feel the same way I do. I can't stand it; each day is its own private little hell. I can't wait until the day ends, but I dread the start of a new day. I want to sleep all of the time, but I can't sleep. <P>The good things that have come from this? I have found a relationship with God, and am leading a more Christ centered life. I'm trying to learn more and be a better Christian. I have learned a lot about me and am changing my lifestyle. I've lost 20 lbs. I have found out how much I truly love my wife. And I fear that I will lose her. <P>Joe