New here and looking for other people's thoughts.
I have been with my H for 14 yrs... married for 9.
I have 5 ddays. It all started 8-23-17 when I recieved a FB message. That is when my world came crashing down. He swore it was only her and I believed him. I forgave him. That affair was from nov 2015 - feb 2017. He lied about everything....i had to talk to her to get the story. But I refused to not listen to my gut again. So 3 months later I started digging. I became a very good private investigator.
On 12-24-17 I discovered the video on his laptop of him having sex with #2 in my spare bed.
Once again...him swearing only those 2. The dates for her were feb 2016- dec 25 2017. Yes he continued his non sexual friendship with her even after he got caught cheating. They stopped having sex nov 2016 when she discovered he was not in a sexless marriage. They were "friends". Talked, texted and went out for coffee. He lied about everything. I talked to her to get the story.
I continued digging... there has to be more!

On 8-21-18 I reinstalled a monogram app he had that he claims he never used. I did a password recovery ...low and behold.... money to #3. She was a prostitute from backpage. He was seeing her from Oct 2015 - july 2017. And of course he lied about everything. I contacted her and paid her for her time to get the story. Two days later he admitted to another backpage prostitute. She was may 2016 - june 2016.

So that was my original timeline. But where there are 4.... the are more right. Keep digging. He swears I know 98% of everything. No one night stands. Only those 4.....keep digging.

I ordered back credit card statements that i couldn't access online. And there it was... hotel visit in august 2014.
The timeline i knew was a lie. He started cheating Feb 2013 ....4 backpage prostitutes from 2013 - 2015.

Everything since dday has been lies. He has not owned anything except his one confession. 2 yrs of pure torture!!!
He spent $94K in 4.5 yrs... cash advances, loans, 401k loans, maxed out credit cards. Took them on shopping sprees, bought one a car, paid their phone bills, spending money, expensive gifts, met one of their friends and family and spent time with her 6 yr old. No protection. 1 miscarriage. A paternity test that I paid for on another birth. He watched me suffer with an std diagnosed with bv.... for 13 months! Sex in my bed with 3 of them.
Lies lies lies..... so many resentments.
But he loves me. Can't lose me. He lost himself..... and now he doesn't recognize that person. He is back to himself.

Well now I have changed.

I am reading through this and see that he is not the problem here, YOU ARE. It makes no sense that you are still in this marriage. Your husband is not the typical cheater, he is a serial cheater who is out looking for action. There is no marriage program in the world that can overcome that. There is nothing here to save. Your emotions are warning you that it is time to move on. You can't overcome resentment when you are still on the sinking Titanic.

Have you considered getting counseling to find out why you would stay in such a reckless, dangerous "marriage?" Your H is ruining you financially and probably giving you STDs.

With#1 I stayed out of love.
After that I stayed to get the whole story. Like a mystery that I had to solve.

He was faithful before this Ann's has been faithful since. He dotes on me. He can't face what he has done so he lies.
He is a coward.

I do understand where you are coming from. And as i told him when he said he won't let me give up on us... it's just postponing the inevitable. I warned him that with each lie i catch, a piece of my heart gets chipped away and replaced with resentment and resentments don't go away.

A spouse who lies is not faithful. Your marriage can't be built on a lie. If he was serious he would tell the truth. And yes, he can "face the truth." He just doesn't care. He would rather cover his own butt. This is not someone who is serious about marriage.


Are you supporting him financially? Is that why he is hanging out? What are your ages? How did you meet?

Have you been checked for STD's? What has been done to prevent him from trolling for sex? Is he still free to bring hoes into your house and have sex with them? What would prevent him from doing it again?

He claims that us being on opposite shifts is what caused all of this. He missed me. Claims this was all a temporary fix until we were on the same schedule again. We met at work. We worked side by side for 3 years, lived together and commuted an hour and a half one way together. Then we both left that job and got jobs closer to home. We work at the same place again but at the time he was on rotating 12 hour shifts and I worked 12 hours on night shift. We are both currently on dayshift. He is mon-fri and I am still 12 hours. We have cameras in the house. He goes to and from work only. I have all of his passwords.

The reason all this went unnoticed is because we were both in bad marriages before so we decided not to combine our finances. He had his own bank account and credit cards.

Yes.....I have been checked. I had female issues and the Dr. asked if anyone had stepped out. I laughed....at that time I was unaware and said no. She didn't check for stds and I was diagnosed with BV. I was on and off antibiotics for 13 months, crying ....wondering what the hell was wrong with me for this to keep coming back!! Then the discovery. I was treated for trich. He watched me suffer for 13 months. Another resentment. Unprotected sex with 3 of them.

I do get that lying is not being faithful. I have told him this also. And you cannot rebuild on lies....yet self preservation always won with him. His mom and dad are complete avoiders. Avoid the problem....don't speak of the problem and it miraculously goes away. He does the same thing. I am forcing him to face me and the things he has done.

I told him that I don't like him. The things that I have learned about him that I had no clue about...such as the avoidance issue...I never knew this! He always holds everyone accountable but now he cannot hold himself to that same standard. I do want out, but I agreed to "try". I told him not to expect much because I have nothing left to give him and he said he didn't care. He would take anything that I am willing to give.

So I am giving it until January. If I don't feel any better, it will be time to throw the towel in.

But reading all of this..... I know that my situation is not the "typical affair" , everything he did was so extreme! He is claiming that with us on opposite shifts he turned to porn...became a porn addict....then someone at work told him about backpage....and the girls would send naked pictures....then meeting up...then became a sex addict. Said he probably would have continued for another year if I hadn't caught him, but he said he was trying to stop.

If he is not giving you 100% truth TODAY, then you are wasting your time. There is nothing to "try" if he won't even take the 1st necessary step. What are you "trying" if he is doing nothing? That makes no sense.


That is called kicking the can down the road because you are afraid to make a decision.

Honestly, there is nothing to save here. Wanting to keep you around but not doing the things necessary to make your marriage safe is not the behavior of a serious person. You are not serious and neither is he.

There is a point of being blunt.....and there is a point of just being plain mean and hateful. And you are riding a very thin line.

I came here for a little support because I am at the end of my rope and you have not given me anything. So why are you even commenting?? Just to be hateful?

He is now being honest with his answers. He is now asking permission before he leaves the house. He has now shared all of his passwords. He has now gotten rid of ALL social media. He is now being financially responsible. He is now treating me like a queen. He is now being SERIOUS about this marriage.

It is now me....I do not think I can stay with him. But I want to make sure 100% that I have done everything in my power before walking away. So yes...I am kicking the can. So yes.... I am afraid to make a decision right now.

I think you are probably hearing things you didn't want to hear and that is why you are so offended. I hope you will keep an open mind and take the advice seriously. Best of luck...

MelodyLane is not being mean; she is being frank with you about your husband and your situation. You live in a very unsafe marriage and your husband would have to make radical changes, which has so far proved to be unsuccessful.

Serial cheaters are different from a man (or woman) who has poor boundaries around the opposite sex and ends up falling in love. Most of the time, they are blindsided by the affair. They didn't plan to have one. But your husband went out looking and then made excuses about it, such as working opposite shifts.

The first thing your husband needs to do is to tell you the complete truth about every affair he has had. Then you both need to create a lifestyle that would make cheating impossible. Most serial cheaters have a hard time doing this, though, which is why MelodyLane is advising you to end the marriage. You are at serious risk if you keep holding on to this man, only to find he keeps cheating.

Recovery from one affair is very hard; it's very narrow path. The time line is about two years and everything has to be done right. Your husband would need to create a completely transparent lifestyle, never lie again, and the marriage will need to be better than it was before the affair.

Recovering from serial cheating and the onset of STDs and the fact that he brazenly took these women into your own home will be that much more difficult than recovering from a "garden variety" affair.

Staying in a marriage just to stay is one thing, but recovery requires both spouses, fully on board, all the way, and it takes about two years. From the perspective of what you said about your marriage with this man, it doesn't sound very hopeful. But if you are seeking a path to recovery, this forum will help you.

Hi Bogey. I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here.

As the others have said, it's really hard to recover a marriage with a serial cheater - with someone who was out looking for affairs. The recovery and future is so intense for the situation you have gone through (together 24x7, never another night apart, complete digital transparency).

If I were in this situation with no children together I would terminate the marriage. Your future with your husband will be a jail for him with you as his jailer. That's not what I signed up for on my wedding day, and I doubt you did either.



You don't know this to be true. Based on the history you presented I doubt it is.


Most narcissistic psychopaths are very charming liars. If he doted on you he wouldn't have treated you that way. It's a ruse. He doesn't dote on you or else he wouldn't have wickedly stood by for you to suffer with a bogus diagnosis for an STD he gave you for so long.


This would have been nice for him to consider before this horrendous series of betrayals.

If you were me, I'd expose the affairs (read the thread on Exposure) and file for divorce. I would not waste one more day of my life on him. Not because of what he has done (I'm sure you don't know the half) but because what he will surely continue to do.

I'm so sorry.

((Hugs))

Bogey, here is an article about what your future would look like with this man:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/what-to-do-with-a-serial-cheater.htm

I have very firm boundaries now.

His reasons for lying
1. What he did was to awful to share
2. Self preservation
3. He didn't want to hurt me anymore

I have read everything and watched all the recovery videos. I believe that he was in a mid life crisis because of his heart attack. He felt like something tragic was going to happen... like he was going to die and that feeling tipped him over the edge. He had a 98% block in the widow maker's artery. He had a heart attack a year into cheating.

I read the article you shared on serial cheating. Thank you.
Yes...he is considered a serial cheater. I have talked to his ex wife and he never cheated. No unaccountable times with him and she was in charge of the finances. No missing money.

Us being together 24/7 for the first 5 years of our relationship, he never cheated. He started this when he started rotating shift work.

I am not making excuses for him....I'm explaining.

We HAD a great marriage. We HAD a great sex life. We never ever fought. Everyone envied us. They all would comment that they wished they had what we have. Why he went looking for sex is beyond me. Because that is exactly what he did. He went looking to cheat. He wasn't looking for companionship. Although 2 of the 8 turned out that way. 6 of them were craigslist prostitutes.... and 2 of them were found on FB, but the 2 on FB were paid for sex also.

My H is a giver. He likes to spoil. He likes to feel needed. These girls were always in some kind of crisis... therefore he felt needed. My H loves to shop....so he took them on shopping sprees... because I worked a lot. When he was off or on day shift, they were always available and he had free time because I was at work.

He started using our home as his personal hotel to save money. He couldn't continue paying them, their Bill's, their crises, the gifts and a hotel.

No...he wasn't transparent for 2 years from dday. My last discovery in August of another hotel before the time frame I knew about was when he finally came completely clean. His last lie was 8-15-19. He told me when he started, how many, where, what they looked like, how he found them.

As I have said in earlier posts....he has no social media of any kind. I have access to all of his finances. I have all passwords. I go thru his Google often. His Google location is always on. I have spyware on his phone...I see every text, location, photo and internet usage. He asks before leaving the house other than to work. We have cameras inside and outside of the house.

Yes... it's like being a jailer. If he doesn't like it ....leave.
I just need to decide if this is what I want. Zero trust...zero respect. I don't want to "settle". My fear is not getting my feelings back for him. I don't like knowing what he is capable of. To be able to look me in the eyes and point blank lie to me when asked a direct question. How easy that was for him.

I hope this explanation was helpful.
He is doing everything right now.... everything that article on serial cheaters suggested, he is doing.

But my resentments run deep and I am not sure if I can do this after what I have been thru for the past 2 years.

As far as the std....he didn't know that was what it was because i was diagnosed with BV. I wasn't tested for STDs until i found out he cheated.

Serial cheating isn't from having a midlife crisis. It's incredibly poor boundaries and a desire for lots of action on the side. It's great to have the steady life of a marriage while experiencing the thrill of adultery. He had the means and the freedom in which to pursue the other women and he took advantage of it.



Here's a checklist of what will need to happen in order for your marriage to recover:

Just so you know, Dr Harley called "mid life crisis" a form of denial when used by the spouses of cheaters. Your husband, a serial cheater, cheated because he was out looking for action. There is no other reason.

Bogey, How are your emotions doing? Many betrayed spouses are extremely stressed,depressed, anxious, and unable to sleep well for the weeks and months following D-Day. It is often recommended to see your doctor and take antidepressant/antianxiety medication for this time.

I am divorced from a serial cheater and these types of cheaters differ from "regular" cheaters in a number of ways.

Serial cheaters will usually express remorse and end up agreeing to "precautions" when caught...only to waffle and backslide over time. Expect this and be ready for it. It is coming.

Second, please understand...any of the ways that you are monitoring him that he is aware of, basically renders it ineffective. He will work around what he knows is there. Therefore, if he knows you have his passwords, he will not use those accounts for things he does not want you to see - he will just create a new accounts, etc.

That's why snooping is always done WITHOUT discussion with the wayward. You should quietly install spyware on any devices he has access to (phone, tablet, computer).

His lying is not some type of emotional issue that is related to his childhood or parents etc. Dr Harley spoke to me directly about this issue relating to my ex-WH and he has written and spoken on his radio show about this many times.

Serial cheaters have a hard time letting go of their SSL (secret second life) The lying becomes a bad habit that is VERY DIFFICULT to break.

You cannot recover a marriage with a WS, nevermind a serial cheating WS who has not made a commitment to 100% honesty. Ask me how I know...

Being very blunt and straight forward under these circumstances (a betrayed spouse trying to attempt recovery with a serial cheater) is the nicest thing anyone could do for you.

You are shooting at the helicopters. MelodyLane is someone you NEED to help you navigate this.

A serial cheater who is NOT SERIOUS will hurt you again - it is just a matter of time. You need to have your eyes wide open and read everything you can on this site about serial cheats.

I am very alarmed to read this - this is NOT why your WH is a serial cheater. If that was the case, don't you think there would be some type of correlation between people who have suffered life-threatening illnesses, only to recover and then become serial cheaters? I have never heard Dr Harley say such a thing and he has been working with/studying marriages recovering from affairs for decades.

The reason that your WH is a serial cheater is because he has become addicted to getting some of his ENs met outside of marriage and some met in the marriage. Why? Because it feels good. It's as simple as that.

Serial cheaters are not serial cheaters right at the start of the marriage. That is not a test for whether someone is a "real" serial cheater or not. My exWH was faithful for at least 10+ years of our M. Once he got a taste for having something on the side, he was not able to give it up. If he got caught in an affair or doing something inappropriate, it was easy to get him to give it up. It is irrelevant that he was faithful in the beginning of your M.

This is a good start. I just want to point out that my ex-WH promised me everything under the sun. We counseled with the Harleys and we had a very extensive EP list and he still cheated again. Dr Harley has often said this type of cheater should probably work with their BS and shouldn't even use the internet without the BS right there with them.