I need alot of help. My girlfriends mom suggested that I sign up to these forums for some help and Im really struggling here. So I messed up pretty bad and I lost my girlfriends trust. There was a female at work that she thought had a real crush on me ( I dont think she did but I suppose thats not the point) I texted this girl a couple of times even though my girlfriend didnt like it. I know how bad that is but it was innocent conversation and I had no feelings. So my girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to talk to some people and make sure that I was the one for her before we got married. She also wanted to make sure that I made real changes in order to improve our relationship. I have been really trying hard to make deposits in her love bank that she wants, and big ones at that. I spend time with her, cook her dinner, we even had sex a few times. I just want to know how to keep this up while MY love bank is getting withdrawn from left and right. Just general help please Im so lost and Im not sure what to do. There is plenty more to the story if anyone wants to help and needs more info.

Hi Digiordani, welcome to Marriage Builders. The rules for dating are much different than the rules for marriage. The purpose of dating is to find someone who does such an incredible job of meeting your needs that your feelings exceed the romantic love threshold. You should marry the person that does the best job of meeting your needs. In other words, dating is a job interview for marriage. When the interview does not go well, the person doesn't get the job.

I am confused about why you are still dating. You say your girlfriend "wanted to make sure that I made real changes in order to improve our relationship" and then you say "MY love bank is getting withdrawn from left and right." The purpose of a job interview isn't to improve the relationship, it is to choose the person who will do the best job. Do you both feel the other person meets that criteria?

Thank you! Im still trying to be with her because I think she does meet that criteria. We have our moments sure but we have always talked about it and gotten through it. I cant really speak for her but I know that I meet her criteria as well. Really, I feel like its just the severity of what I did that caused this. We are really good together when everything is fine. We have spoken about marriage before and I believe that she does love me. I just want to make it up to her and show her that I will never do anything like that again. I simply do not want anyone else.

I know that we can make this work. It feels like we already are married with the way we treat each other. I dont even mind that. I know that if I show her every day love and care (in the right ways) that we can be together and it will be a stronger bond than before. I just get very frustrated because I am not reciprocating and I hold it in for so long until I lash out.

But you said this in your post:
She is not doing a good job of meeting your needs at all. Rather, it sounds like she is punishing you for doing something that was not wrong. You are not married so there is no reason you can't text with a coworker. Now, if you were married we would tell you that opposite sex friendships are wrong. But, you are not married.

Dating is much, much different from being married.

DiGiordani, the title of this thread is: "How do you deal with low Love Bank? " That should tell you this is a person who does not do a good job of meeting your needs. The objective of dating is to find the person who does the BEST JOB of meeting your needs and filling your love bank. When a spouse has a low love bank, they fall out of love and trouble ensures. You are not even married and you have a "low love bank." Can you imagine how it would be if you were married to someone who does a poor job of meeting your needs?

I feel like what I did was wrong because it hurt her feelings. I am being punished, it feels very severe. She said that what I did was emotional cheating. I didn't tell her that I was messaging this person outright. But when she did see me messaging her (because I wasn't hiding it) I told her exactly who it was and I gave her my phone so she could read every text. She has done well in meeting my needs in the past it's just that she is very cold to me since this happened. Through everything I am doing to try to win her attention and affection back. I don't know how to get her to understand that what I did wasn't that bad. But it hurts her feelings and she thinks that it is indicative of how I will be in marriage. I just want her to understand that I'm sorry for hurting her feelings and that I love and care about her so very much. I am seeking forgiveness for hurting her in such a way.

I think that if we can get past this we can go back to making each other the happiest. We have had such a beautiful relationship before this

I think her reaction is indicative of how she would be in marriage. When she gets her feelings hurt, she would punish you causing you to have a "low love bank." And sure, you don't want to hurt her feelings, but her reaction to having hurt feelings is very destructive. Does that seem like a good candidate for marriage to you?

I would strongly encourage you to back off a little and maybe date other people. She might not be the best candidate.

Thank you again. In my opinion she is just very young and she has to grow. Her feelings are everything to her and I know she has a hard time admitting when she is wrong or overreacting. I want to give her that room to grow. I've seen her grow so much in our time together and that gives me hope that we can be together again. It's hard to back off because I want to show her why I am the best candidate but maybe I should. I just want her so much and I don't think I'll ever give up on that. She has said to me that since we separated and she's been talking to other people that she realizes how good she had it when we were together. I just hope she can forgive me and that she comes back. I love her and I DO hope to marry her one day.

Maybe I'm making it too much about me. Maybe I am not the best for her, no matter how hard I try. I just want to know the truth

What are your ages?

I'm 29 she's 23. A big factor is that she's homeschooled and she really has only been in the outside world like that since she was 18. It shows in her mindset

It has never been my observation that home schooled kids are less mature than public schooled kids. Sure, she might not know how to fight, use drugs, cuss, smoke,(all of that so called “socialization” obtained in public schools) but I don’t see how home schooling would affect her maturity.

In all honesty I don't think it has. Sorry I misspoke. The social aspect of it is what I think is hard. The thing is there have been a few times where she's done the same thing. Talking to people I didn't like her talking to and I KNEW they had a crush on her. But even after I explained to her that I didn't like it, she did anyway. The difference is that as much as it hurt I didn't say anything because I know it's not my right. As a matter of fact, that's why I thought it would be okay to text my coworker to begin with

If you handle conflict well, you have the key to a happy relationship. Everybody can be a good partner when everything is fine.

You're right. We have had fights before and we have always talked through it. We took time to understand each other's feelings and we always came back. I fear that it's different this time. She just told me that we need time apart. I don't know if that means that she will come back or, more likely, that she's done and wants to get away from me. I can only hope till my last breath that she remembers everything we have done, how good I was to her, and how amazing our relationship was. I miss her very much.

I found out that she thinks that I have a crush on the co-worker. But I don't. I don't want our relationship to end because of a crush I don't have. How can I prove it to her?

DGiordani, Dr. Harley wrote a really good book about dating called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." I strongly recommend that you read it. It is all about the stages of dating and marriage.

It's fine and normal to start out a dating relationship as a "freeloader." A freeloader doesn't expect the other person to change, and you don't change for the other person. It's a test to see if the other person is enjoyable to be with and worth a second date. While freeloader sounds like a bad thing to be, it's really not. If I go out on a date with a person, I'm going to be myself, making sure I look nice and act nice, etc and I'd expect the same from the other person, but I wouldn't make any changes at that point. And each is free to date whomever one pleases.

A renter will make a few sacrifices but expects it will balance out at some point. As long as the relationship is working, each person is fine making some small changes but is still free to date others. A couple can often make a statement that they are now exclusive, but even at this point, each is free to date others.A renter tends to keep his/her eye out to see if something better comes along.

Dr. Harley strongly recommends couples avoid having sex before marriage, because it tends to change the dynamics of a relationship. It often makes a woman feel like there is an implied commitment, but it may not mean as much to a man. It muddles our logical thinking, which is why it's best avoided until marriage.

If your girlfriend doesn't like the way you are with her, then she should consider breaking up with you and dating others. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship with her. Joyce broke up with Dr. Harley several times over the course of their dating because she didn't like his thoughtlessness. She was honest about her desire to date others.