Hi,

So some background. Me and my wife have been married for 10 years, with no kids. 2 years ago she got addicted to synthetic cannabis and went to rehab. While I’m rehab she put up a boundary of no sexual intimacy until she felt ready. This is still going on. We have been seeing a therapist together and she has admitted that she loves me but not in a wife kind of way, more in a best friend kind of way. She is also unsure if we are right for each other. We have minimal fighting, open and honest communication and we have both worked through our codependency issues.

I’ve told her that I am willing to put in the work to get things back on track, but I feel like I’m up against a wall because she is still uncertain of us. We still cuddle, joke around ect. But I feel we can’t move forward until she makes up her mind about us. I just feel so lost on what to do. Do I give her more time? Do I bite the bullet and call it quits? Do I give her a timeframe?

I suffer from depression, I always have. Most days I’m able to be strong and work through my emotions and feelings, but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, but I’m worried I will regret it as I love her so much.

Any advice or guidance will be appreciated.

Hello GR, welcome to Marriage Builders. Women need two things to feel sexual desire for a man, an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. What typically happens is a wife will grow emotionally detached from her husband when they stop doing the things that create emotional intimacy [romantic love]. At that point, sex becomes an unpleasant burden. The solution is to go back to doing what you were doing when you fell in love. Can you tell me what happened in your marriage that led to her withdrawal? Did she develop an aversion?

Please read this articles and come back and discuss:

THE QUESTION OF THE AGES: HOW CAN A HUSBAND RECEIVE THE SEX HE NEEDS IN MARRIAGE?

15 Hours to Create Romantic Love

Thanks for the reply. Honestly the sex is not my concern at the moment as I think it will return once she is certain about us. I wouldn’t t say she is emotionally detached as she still loves me, but she says she sees me as a best friend and not romantically anymore. My wife has always been a perfectionist and I sometimes feel this may subconsciously makes her think that the marriage needs to be perfect. As she put it in one of our sessions “I love you as a best friend, just not as a wife should love her husband”. I’m giving her the time to try figure things out and and see if we can rekindle the kind of love she wants. I just don’t know as I feel her constant uncertainty is a barrier to progress as she is scared at being intimate as she says it’s unfair on me.

As to what happened to cause the withdraw, I’m not sure. She has always questioned our marriage and during the early stages always asked why I married her, and that she wasn’t good enough for me. No matter how much I assured her she was good enough I think she may have always had this feeling of uncertainty as to whether she made the right decision.

You are correct that the sex will return once her feelings do. But you need to understand she has fallen out of love, which is why is she emotionally detached and doesn't want to have sex. She might love you like a friend but women don't have sex with their friends. The lack of desire to have sex is an indicator that she has fallen out of love. Dr. Harley says, fix the marriage and the sex will follow.


She has figured this out. She has fallen out of love. That won't get fixed all on its own. What you need is a plan to rekindle the romantic love in your marriage, which is what Marriage Builders is.

The way to rekindle the romantic love in your marriage is to start meeting each other's intimate emotional needs [affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment] for 20+ hours per week while avoiding lovebusters. It is suggested that you go out on 4 - 4 hour dates every week. Sit down Sunday afternoon and plan out your dates using this worksheet: Undivided Attention worksheet

And check out this article about undivided attention: Policy of Undivided Attention

Another really good article about dating: GREAT CONVERSATION IS ESSENTIAL FOR DATING