I am not really sure where to start so I will start from the beginning. I believe my wife might be having a relationship with a coworker. She is a teacher and starting her 2nd year at her school. Towards the end(1 month left in school year) of her first year started to get real distant and start to withhold affection. She kept swearing that nothing was up and that she was stressed out. She then made a trip to the doctor's and was had her anti-depression/anxiety meds changed. Shortly after school got over and things seemed to change for the better. I was suspicious but I knew that she has been battling depression and anxiety most of her life and she never has been super affectionate so maybe it did make a little sense, but just to be safe i installed a monitor app on her phone. I checked it after a few days and nothing suspicious. Over the summer I checked it maybe once or twice a month and no red flags and we were doing better than we had in a while.

Mid-August rolls around and she starts the process of getting her room ready for the next year and starts to attend various meetings and finds out that her student load has doubled as she is a Special Ed teacher and the Kindergarten class has a lot of kids that will need her services. The new school year starts up again and her being emotionally distant start up again. I didn't initially go to def con 5 but I was worried.I started to check the app on her phone more and more but did not spot any red flags. About a month in I start to get told stories from the wife about a coworker... and she was like a school girl in love for the first time. I was thrown off because my wife and the other teachers have always maintained since her first day there that he was gay. I expressed concern to my wife about the way she was acting when retelling her stories about him, but she got made and said that they are friends and he isn't even into girls.So for the last 6 weeks or so I have been silently monitoring her phone and email. Most of her conversations with him are in a group chat among 6 of the teachers. Nothing red flagish but there were some topics that I wished she would not have engaged in. About 3 weeks ago our son came home and was like "look Dad at the book Mr. OM let me barrow from his classroom". So I started to ask my son(8) and my daughter(10) about this teacher and how much time my wife spends talking to him. Obviously, the kids are more preoccupied to go play in the gym with the other teacher kids but they said that mom is either in her room or his room with some of the other teachers. A few days later my wife came home and was all like " I think you would be happier with somebody else", " You always looks so sad lately" and stuff along those lines. I told her that I loved her and that I was not interested in a divorce and she hasn't brought it up lately. This Sunday after church my wife wanted to run into her classroom to pick up a few things to work on at home and as we are driving across town she makes the comment remind me to look for my bag a clothes, I might have left it in MR. OM's room after I changed( she runs with two of the other teachers a few day a week after school). I kinda shot her a WTF look and she replied that she didn't want him going through the bag because it had her underwear in it. We get there and run in and I make the most annoyed , snarkiest, angry comment that I could to remind her to get her dirty undies out of OM's room. She flies off the handle about how she only went in there because one of her running partners was in there and I don't ever trust her and am always meddling in her business, that I had better leave OM alone because whatever was going on in my head was wrong and I always had to do everything with her.I did not respond and it was a long ride home. she instantly went to bed with a migraine and I snooped everywhere I could think but could not find any evidence.

I am way more tech savy than her so if their was something on there I think I would have found it. The kids would have said something if she had a burner phone as they go to and from school with her and are in the same building, but the way she gets all googly eyed when talking about him is so over the top along with the lack of any affection makes me think something is going on. I just don't know what to do.

idontbelieveit, welcome to Marriage Builders. It doesn't seem like your wife has good boundaries around the opposite sex and I see this as a huge red flag. Affairs always start with opposite sex friendships, and usually with people who say "I would never do that." They believe they are immune and, as such, have poor boundaries. I suspect she has a crush on this male teacher and that is affecting her attitude at home. I wouldn't accuse her of having a crush or an affair. Don't ever accuse her unless you have evidence, but you are well within your rights to express your very legitimate discomfort over her opposite sex friendship.

I applaud you for spying on her and I would keep that up, but I would have a discussion with her about not having opposite sex friendships. Her "friendship" with this man is hurting her marriage. It makes you extremely uncomfortable and that is reason enough for her to end it. If she won't end it, knowing how you feel, that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

I would also start working on making your marriage a happy place. That means following this program and eliminating lovebusters, meeting each others needs and making sure you are getting out on plenty of dates every week. If there is no romantic love in your marriage, you will both be vulnerable to affairs.

Thanks for the reply MeoldyLane. This has been an area of issue for me. She had 6 brothers and no sisters growing up and was sort of a tom boy. She always finds it easier to befriend men than women. I have brought this up in the past but was never able to get her to see that this is playing with fire for her. If I din't stand a chance then do I stand a chance now if there is an OM?

She shouldn't have any friendships that threaten your marriage and certainly shouldn't be placing her opposite sex friendships before her marriage. You have a real problem on your hands otherwise, I would show her that article I posted. If she won't stop doing that, you might be able to enlist Dr Harley's help on his radio show. [it is free] https://www.marriagebuilders.com/marriage-builders-radio.htm Anything that comes before you marriage will eventually come between you.

I believe that it has already come between us. Her affection has dried up and she is acting like she wants out and is not contributing to the marriage or household. I have been reading on this site and some of the other threads and have some questions. How much effort should I be putting on trying to get her to realize that this friendship is effecting our marriage vs going into Plan A(is that the correct term?). Shouldn't I be going to a Plan A until I have irrefutable proof? How often should I bring up this guy at work. It seems to me that repeatedly having that conversation would quickly become a love buster. Every time I have talked to her about it she has come upset and has gotten mad. She knows where I stand on her friendship with OM. Most of the advice I have seen for men is to Plan a as long as they can and then they getting the necessary proof to expose to family, friends, and at her workplace.

Plan A is for affairs and I don't see that this is an affair. Sure, she has poor boundaries, but you don't have any evidence this is an affair. All you have is speculation and maybe a few very mild red flags. The most critical piece of Plan A is exposure........and you have nothing to expose. Until you can establish there is an actual affair, I would address the problems of opposite sex friendships and ask her to end this relationship.


The objective is to get her to listen to your complaints and make changes, not to avoid her anger at all costs. Yes, you should do your best to meet her needs and avoid lovebusters, but you can't avoid voicing complaints just because she doesn't like it.

I have had a few conversation with my wife regarding her friendship with her coworker. I was direct and calm. She insists that we have grown apart as we have gotten older and no longer thinks we are right for each other. She says that the OM is just a friend and that nothing is going on so I should get an ideas in my head. She has mentioned that she just wants the dog and our daughter and half the bank account and that her leaving would make us all happier. They are sending around 30 to 40 text messages to each other everyday that are not work related. Mostly sharing a video that they found funny, disusing favorite music, and asking each other what they are doing. She is now avoiding me in the house and will only reply to texts or email if they involve one of the kids. I have talked to her mom so her mom is aware of the situation and is ready to help.

Are you able to read those texts?