It has almost been a year since the sexual betrayal and 10 months since discovery. We have been back together for about 5 months and things are much better. I still keep having doubts about H's true feelings. He is trying and he is helpful and affectionate and says "I love you" alot. But we have never really talked out the betrayal and if I mention anything regarding it he either sulks or withdraws. There is a song that comes on the radio that kind of explains my #1 question. It says "The hardest thing I have ever had to do, is lie to you." I can't remember the exact words but something to the effect that this fellow is really in love with the woman he has had an affair with but he decides his wife nor his mistress do not deserve only part of him. He is going to tell the mistress that he doesn't love her, so that she may move on. Something about his hands being tied and his heart not being free.<P>I keep questioning if this is my H's motivation, he loves his children very much and doesn't want to live away from them. They made it pretty clear when we were separated that they were not going to make a choice and that they wanted us to reconcile. How do I know that he really does love me and that he is not just doing the right thing?<P>This probably sounds really stupid but I think I deserve to be loved for me and not just settled for.

Hello Trish,<P>You're right, you deserve more.<P>Unfortunately, these things take loads of time. I'm just beginning to realize that. <P>Is that a country song you are referring to? I hate country songs. I used to sit in my house with my 3 little kids, knowing my marriage was in the toilet (we're still together, read my profile for questions)and I'd hear some song that said something like...<P>"These four walls are closin' in on her hurtin' heart and his cheaten' heart"... <P>All I have to say is stay away from the radio... just kidding about that... but those songs are about fantasies, you know?? And affairs are fantasies, not real love.<P>You said: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We have been back together for about 5 months and things are much better<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Live for that... it's wonderful!!! Things are going in a forward direction, and that's a good thing. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I HATE THAT SONG. My girls love it (don't know about affair) and we have a war of button pushing when it comes on.<P>I know how you feel. I don't think my H feels that way about OW. I truly believe he ended up not even liking or respecting her.<P>But it also came out that he had second thoughts after we were engaged, but went through with the wedding. I remember a case of lukewarm feet and a few questions, like can I still go rock climbing...you can always come along. I always supported anything he did. His old letters to me, incredibly hint at misgivings (sure didn't see it) but then the other 98% of the words were sweet, positive and could hardly wait. Who doesn't have tinges of doubt. I think this is revisionist history.<P>However, I feel cheated. I am capable of great love and I deserve to be with someone willing to give it. I love H, I know he loves me. We absolutely adore our family and we both are happy with the life we have made together.<P>But, if he can't see I'm the most wonderful woman in this whole wide world for him, <BR>then he sure didn't do me any favors by marrying me. <P>Oh well, all works out for the good.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I agree! I don't want to be his mom either! I don't want to be a therapist! I want to be a wife...to someone that loves me not just needs me to keep them from their inside demons...to raise the kids..and make him look normal...I really want to be loved and to love back , but he is afraid of emotional committment and he likes lots of women...I too had cold feet...and tried to get out at the last moment, night before the wedding...he begged and pleaded...I thought that was love...what did I know!<P>we are here...we apparently care about the rotters...we have suffered lots on their behalf so why don't we get the gold? <P>a friend of mine just decided her marriage was lacking...they seemed the perfect couple..she wants a divorce..why? because she is not happy...he is supporive she even says he is her best friend! but she wants to play the field...he has gone to therapy for her and she put herself in an "insitute" to rest...he adores her...and their kids...he is too nice is what she says! I almost threw up....she wants someone that is more of a challenge! man... I just don't get it!