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That makes sense. Other than spending 20 hours per week and no bars without me what other conditions should i include?
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That makes sense. Other than spending 20 hours per week and no bars without me what other conditions should i include? I would ask him to go through the Marriage Builders program with you. That can be done with a couple of books, the workbook, this forum and the radio show. Don't get specific, but mention you would like to use the concepts of Marriage Builders. And I wouldn't put "no bars without me." I would say no bars. Bars are pickup joints for single people. As it is now, he loves bars more than he loves his spouse. You don't want to be in competition with his first love if you are trying to resurrect the romantic love in your marriage. Do you even like bars?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, the problem and excuse he uses for being in bars is because this is where he get business and has meetings or delivers bills. He is a contractor. A lot of his clients go to the bar too. He will also accuse me of not trusting him and will probably tell me I can't go to bible study then. He will tell me I'm being ridiculous.
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Ok, the problem and excuse he uses for being in bars is because this is where he get business and has meetings or delivers bills. He is a contractor. Then he will need to find a new way to get business. I know many successful contractors and they don't hang out in bars. He will also accuse me of not trusting him Just agree with him. Say "yes, that is right." and will probably tell me I can't go to bible study then. He will tell me I'm being ridiculous. Then that is your answer. Bible study, obviously, is not wrecking your marriage so if he did say that, you know it would be out of vindictiveness.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am feeling like my prior talks have proved what he is willing and not willing to do. He typically changes for a brief period and then goes back to doing what he wants.
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I am feeling like my prior talks have proved what he is willing and not willing to do. He typically changes for a brief period and then goes back to doing what he wants. That sounds pretty familiar. An alcoholic will swear he is never going to touch the stuff again when he is suffering from a hangover. Then, when the withdrawal symptoms kick in he goes right back onto the poison. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Does the house belong to you?
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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You might find Dr Harley's What to do with a serial cheater a good read. It addresses the very specific requirements for recovery including a willingness to permanently completely change his life style.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I don't mean he only changes briefly with his drinking. I mean after we have a conversation about improving the marriage. Yes, I did read the article. It is very questionable at this point if he is willing to permanently and completely change his life style. He has never owned up to anything in the marriage and probably won't ever admit to bad behavior. I'm sure he thinks what he does if fine. Living a separate life is normal and only spending a small amount of time together is all a marriage needs.
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It is very questionable at this point if he is willing to permanently and completely change his life style. But you can give him the chance to change. The problem that this change means you have to be willing to be his full time jailer. How do you feel about that? I gave my XH a chance to change and he behaved for six months. Then I had to go somewhere for three days and came back a day earlier than scheduled. He had taken the opportunity of my absence to see the most recent OW. For me that was the end of that. I could not imagine living a life where I could never be apart from him for any reason ever. So the decision at the end of the day might turn out to be about you, not about what he might be willing to do.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Yes, I can see your point about not mentioning separation. I am trying emotionally prepare for the worst case of the marriage ending. How do I give up on potential I see and hold on to and how do I bring about forgiveness within myself for potentially making a drastic step that could end the marriage?
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Yes, I can see your point about not mentioning separation. I am trying emotionally prepare for the worst case of the marriage ending. How do I give up on potential I see and hold on to and how do I bring about forgiveness within myself for potentially making a drastic step that could end the marriage? lxb, you haven't given up potential. The letter tells him what he needs to do. It is up to him to cooperate or not. You can't force someone to engage in a marriage. So far he has refused. You haven't done anything wrong that would require forgiveness. You gave your husband a chance to save your marriage and he declined. That is all you can do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Update..... Tried having a conversation with my husband at dinner in a non-confrontational way asking what areas he would like to see improvement in out marriage. He didn't have anything to say, but put the question back on me. I stated communication and physical intimacy hoping it would start a conversation. That is all the further it wen though. I have also thrown out different would you rather this or that questions. One of the question options said about regrets. He replied he had none  Don't feel like I'm making progress in hoping for change.
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Did you give him the letter with your conditons? Have you started the separation process?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No I guess I am starting with small steps. Next will be conditions. I have rented a storage until and have started moving out non-essential items. My mom is also making room at her house. I have contacted a lawyer as well. Also I do have a separation letter composed.
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No I guess I am starting with small steps. Next will be conditions. I have rented a storage until and have started moving out non-essential items. My mom is also making room at her house. I have contacted a lawyer as well. Also I do have a separation letter composed. I would give him the letter of your conditions as soon as possible so you know where you stand. There is no need to start with small steps. Just start there. Have you written the letter yet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was going to have a conversation with conditions. Working on marriage builder program with me and no bars.
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I was going to have a conversation with conditions. Working on marriage builder program with me and no bars. Dr Harley recommends you write a letter so there are no misunderstandings. You might not even get through them in a conversation. A letter allows you to correctly articulate your position and gives him time to read it and respond. Then when you do actually separate, he will have the letter as a point of reference.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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