Ok, so if they have truly ended contact now, wouldn't it stand to reason you would see signs of withdrawal again? I would expect to see that in a huge way.

Gotcha! Thanks for the clarification.

My point in all this to emphasize that you should really be creative in spying on her because I don't believe this is over. I suspect they have a PLAN to get together in the future and have either gone further underground OR have a plan to meet in the future. If they have decided to break up temporarily, they won't be able to stay apart for long.

So you need to make sure you have spyware on her phone and perhaps even a voice activated recorder in a key spot.

This is another reason why it is so critical for you to expose to the OM's family. It will ruin the future of their relationship if she can't show her face around his family. If they know she is a married woman who had an affair with the OM it will be harder to introduce her into his family, which will greatly impair future plans. This is why exposure to the OP's family is so effective.

Working from home today and wife and kids have the day off from school.

Wife is clearly distant this morning, even sensing a bit of irritation. We talked about the next 2 week budget and when I pointed out that we didn't need $300 for mediation, she commented that cancelling it was unfortunate and that we could have avoided getting our own lawyers, increasing the cost to the family, and not had a fighting divorce. She asked me if I really wanted to get separate lawyers and impose that cost on the family and have a battle rather than cooperating. I simply replied that no, I don't want to have to hire lawyers or get a divorce and I'm sorry that feels that way.

I really do need a better response to when she drops comments about hiring individual lawyers. I suppose I could have said that I am not the one imposing the various costs and consequences of divorce on the family and that rather than divorcing, I'd prefer to keep the family together and build a better marriage.

One weird thing I caught in her text exchange with one of her friends last night was her friend saying this exposure thing was weird, like it was out of a movie. My wife replied by noting that she felt sorry for the awkwardness I was creating among her family and friends. But she's still insisting to her friends that she has not seen the OM since August and they stopped contact 2 weeks ago. Of course, she's not telling them that she was actively planning a date with the OM 2 weeks ago, but maybe that doesn't count because they didn't successfully meet. Lol

There is not going to be any answer that she will like other than complete cooperation with her destructive objectives. I would just keep saying "I am not interested in getting a divorce. I can't stop you from doing anything, though." Just be consistent and don't get defensive.

It is a GOOD thing that your wife is put in a position to defend herself. That is what you want! Now, move forward and raise some hell with the dirtbag OM! You are doing great!

Even though your wife has some dirtbag fake friends, it helps that she knows that others know all about her affair.

She made a comment about me being on her phone a lot, ie snooping and I said no, not really. Her response was funny how you got all my contacts and then I reminded her that she let me use her Google login on my phone for Pokemon go so my youngest could play the account that he played on her phone. I also showed her how the contacts were absorbed into my contacts.

Unfortunately, she's doing this in front of the boys so I have to restrain myself.

But I'll keep being a broken record about not wanting to destroy the family with divorce and remind her that marriage is not about secrecy and hiding affairs.

Did you get spyware on her phone?

No chance, yet, should get a chance this weekend, though. I'm anxious about paying for such software.

What makes you anxious about that?

My wife emailed me this morning:

Dear DrD,

I believe the best solution to help us through a divorce is mediation. On Thursday, Oct 10 you cancelled our mediation appointment for Monday the 14th. You cancelled the appointment without my consent. I found out about the cancellation via email.

I am aware that you have contacted many of my friends, family, can co-workers about our relationship. I do not know how you got all their contact information. Many friends and co-works expressed how awkward your message made them feel which I had to apologize for.

I have offered several times to co-parent under one roof, as long as it is a safe and healthy place for all of us. You have stated that this is not an option for you. Which again leaves 2 options, connection in our marriage or divorce. I cannot reconnect with you. There is too much damage to our relationship due to the years of emotionally abusive behaviors on your part.

If you are unwilling to seek mediation and work together as loving parents to our boys and enter into a cooperative parenting relationship, then I will have to hire a lawyer. I don't want to put that strain, both financially and emotional, on our family. We can work together as parents to help our boys through this transition as thoughtfully and compassionately as possible.

The boys and I will be taking the "Kids First' classes together. I hope that you will join us, as it will show the boys that they are supported by both of us during this time.


Sincerely,

Wifes first and last name


I'm really starting to get frustrated about the money situation here. She wants to use our joint account to pay for this Kids First class, $280, and I am not interested in sending our kids to a class that prepares them for divorce.

Also, I texted her about the mediation cancellation before cancelling. I love how she's suggesting that I needed her consent to cancel a "joint" mediation session. Perhaps I should have sent the mediator an email indicating that I wouldn't be attending. Unfortunately, had I gone that route, I suspect that she would have attended and blown that $300.

Having to pay for it and not a small amount, either.

Gotcha. It looks like it is $129.

"Dear WW, thanks for sending me your views. As I explained yesterday, I am not interested in putting our kids through a divorce. Divorce is devastating to kids and that is not something I want to do to them. I have been reading articles about it and found this one: https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170

I certainly can't stop you from filing for divorce, though. I hope we can work this out without going that route because I know we could have a great marriage if we both tried.

I am not agreeable to putting the kids in a "Kids First" class because that will just scare them and cause confusion. Maybe if the court ordered it, but we are not in such a position now."

Thanks for the suggestion.

I'd really like to zing her on the part she keeps suggesting and that is I am not choosing a safe and healthy environment for our children.

No zinging!! It is not "safe and healthy" to rip apart their family. Do you see how fogged out she is? She is ripping apart their family over her own selfish interests and lecturing you about a "safe and healthy" environment. I don't want you to say that to her but I want to point out foggy she is.

That article doesn't seem very helpful...it notes that many children seem to bounce back and goes on further to suggest that staying together for the sake of the kids isn't a healthy choice.

Here's a better one: https://www.divorcestatistics.info/some-devastating-effects-of-divorce-in-the-usa.html

My revised reply:
Thanks for sending me your views. As I explained yesterday, I am not interested in putting our kids through a divorce. Divorce is devastating to kids and that is not something I want to do to them. I have been reading articles about it and found this one: https://www.divorcestatistics.info/some-devastating-effects-of-divorce-in-the-usa.html

I am not agreeable to putting the kids in a "Kids First" class because that will just scare them and cause confusion. Maybe if the court ordered it, but we are not in such a position now.

I certainly can't stop you from filing for divorce, though. I hope we can work this out without going that route because I know we could have a great marriage if we both tried.

I can imagine that it was awkward for you to acknowledge the nature of your affair to your family and friends. Although, have you thought about how unpleasant it was for me to talk to talk to our family and friends about your continuing affair with the OM and request their support to stop the affair?

Very nice!!