DrD, ask yourself WHY she is not getting a divorce now? It's not like she needs her husband's permission.

I submit that she was secretly RELIEVED you stopped cooperating so she can pretend like she can't get a divorce now. She didn't really want a divorce or she would have done it.

Well, again, I suppose that shes not pursuing a divorce because she can't afford it and believes that she can't support herself and the kids.

I just sent a version of the text that you proposed, Melody. Thanks for clarifying for me.

I want to text her to say have a nice evening out with her girlfriends and that I'll see here when she gets home.

She could find a way if she were serious. Everyone does. We have had many women manage to get divorced even though they were completely destitute. And how was she planning on supporting herself anyway?

Good idea!

Just got an email from her - youngest boy is using her phone.

"Youngest would like to go to the school dance from 6-8. He is with friend and has my phone. There is pesto, chicken and mozzarella in the fridge and noodle in the garage. Dinner is on you tonight.

I have the day off tomorrow and would like to take the boys on a day trip to the beach. I know this is last minute but I thought I had to work.

Thank you"

Are you asking my opinion on what your response should be?

Nah, just posting it.

So, she knows that I reached out to her family and friends.

Her brother texted her to say that I reached out to them and would be talking to her dad and sisters. He also said he thought I was getting help from a lawyer. Wanted to say good luck to my wife but didn't think that sounded right.

2 of her girlfriends reaches out to her. One just to say that I had texted her. The other shared what I texted and told my wife that she told she didn't feel comfortable trying to influence her. This one also noted to my wife that she had not seen someone make my wife happy like the OM. She lives in AZ and doesn't see my wife so she has heard what my wife has told her.

Her longest term friend also texted her. Told my wife that living under the same roof while in a relationship with the OM would not be safe for my wife. At least she discouraged the affair while living with me. But this friend is not a fan of mine. My wife told this friend that she was sleeping on the couch and it was better than choking down the vomit at the thought of me touching her. Ugh.

The last friend that I talked to today and who sounded supportive really isnt. She lied to me about having heard from me first. She texted my wife before calling me. In a follow up text she told my wife she was happy that she was finding someone who made her toes curl. My wife replied that the affair has ended and the OM is supporting his wife while she tries to get sober.

My wife has said nothing to me about my exposure and asking for help. She has indicated to those reaching out that I am contacting all of friends about the affair and asking for support to repair the marriage.

I feel horrible.

It doesn't feel like some I talked to, her girlfriends mainly, are willing to help end the affair or support fixing the marriage. At least 2 expressed support for her finding someone like the OM.

I'd like to reach back to them and ask why they are supporting divorce and an affair.

It feels rather hopeless. I have to resolve myself to being pleasant and trying to engage with her but wow that's gonna be hard. Seeing how she replies to her friends it just feels hopeless.

I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, but damn.

I am not surprised at some of this. Most cheaters have some enabler friends who don't really care about them. Her friends don't care about your children either. Don't let this bother you! Having to explain why she is having an affair with someone else's husband is not pleasant for cheaters. Maybe one of her "friends" will get through to her and have an influence. You can't ever know who that might be in advance though.

If your wife really ends her affair and comes out of the fog, she won't remember the enablers fondly. She will remember they kicked her under the bus at a time when she most needed support.

That's what I would expect. But I'm thinking my wife may not be in that fog and really is finished.

Thank you for all of your supportive words and encouragement to take this path.

But the way, it was interesting that her brother told her that they heard my side of the story. I didn't provide a side. I did provide the facts and my aspirations and intent.

Her actions say the opposite. Her actions say she is not done. Her actions say she is in the fog. All affairees are in the fog. My concern with her is that the affair is not really over because she does not seem like someone who has just ended an affair. Please keep your eyes peeled for more contact. They may have gone further underground. This makes me think there is a PLAN in place:


The plan might be to pretend like the affair is over, wrap things up in their "bad" marriages and then get back together once really separated.

What do you see from her that makes you believe contact has ended? Does she seem to be in withdrawal?

She exhibited the withdrawal in the weeks after I discovered the affair. Over the last two weeks she mentioned nothing about the OM requesting no communication and hasn't behaved as she did early on with the crying, the off handed remarks about losing a friend, etc.

Keep in mind that she was diagnosed with add recently and started Adderall last week.

But withdrawal doesn't happen until all contact ends. Wasn't she still in contact with him until very recently? She would have still been able to get her fix with that contact.

Also, I am concerned about the loose ends of your exposure. TYou posted:

I thought you had finished up her family? Are there others that are not completed in addition to the OM's family? If there are, I would get these knocked out quickly tomorrow so you can move onto next steps.

Yep. Initially, I think there was no contact for 2 weeks and then they started up again culminating with their attempt to have a picnic lunch together 2 weeks ago.

So she was an emotional wreck immediately following discovery and then when they got back in touch, those emotional outbursts went away.

Oh, I did wrap that up yesterday and got her mom today.

Her brother texted her last night after I talked to him but hadn't yet talked to her mom and sisters.

So you have spoken to her father and those other sisters?

Yes. Mom, dad, brother and two sisters and 8 of her friends.