"Dear W, I do remember the counselor suggesting that you might try EMDR because I was planning on doing so. I do know that you didn't want to separate or divorce until you started your affair with OMW's husband.. [insert OMW's name] If you want to leave the marriage, that is your prerogative, Just know that I want us to have a happy marriage and I believe I have a plan that can help us both if you will commit to ending your affair permanently. Your affair has the been the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. We have hurt each other so much and I am committed to making you happy in a relationship that is free from anger, judgement and dishonesty. But it has to be a 2 way street.

Like I said earlier, I am not open to taking the boys to a parenting class. If it ever gets to the mediation stage, I would prefer to let lawyers hammer that out and avoid conflict. That is the most cooperative solution in my opinion."

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I don't know if she wanted or did not want a divorce until the affair started with the OM.

I checked in with our marriage counselor and asked about emdr coming up in our sessions. Her reponse:

Wife recalled it as abusive and felt herself becoming triggered, worrying about past events happening again, and feeling disconnected due to past events.
EMDR can unpack anxiety provoking situations so that it does not create the same somatic distress when there are reminders of it in the present. We can notice feelings of current anger, sadness, worry without it being exacerbated by every past time of feeling that same way. When there is current safety in a relationship, we can then remember that past events are “over” and we can move forward with less worry. I am not in a place to diagnose her with anything and am glad she connected with treatment. EMDR can help us process any past events, present triggers, and future worries related to control/choice (ie I am powerless, I have no choice), safety ( ie I am unsafe or something bad is going to happen), or responsibility (I am not enough/important/loveable/etc). I have had success with partners who utilized EMDR and found benefit from just the calming skills and resources alone and/or processing past events to bring in new information about themselves and the other person in order to lower the distress and change the belief about the event (ie believing they are important and ok).

I didn't think our counselor called my behavior abusive, but it appears that my wife is recalling it that way.

Rewriting history?

Exactly! And I will add to this counselors information about EMDR. As we have seen over and over again on this forum over the years, a spouse does not need "counseling" to erase bad memories. They need a happy marriage. The mind does not wander to the past when it is happy in the present. I have personally experienced this phenomenon and have seen it played out over and over on this forum over the years. You can literally replace bad memories with a good PRESENT.

You don't know that she did because never brought it up. She can always rewrite history but the proof is in the pudding. Look at her actions, not her words.

[

Yeah, I know, but getting beat over the head with "I want to divorce" is tough.

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."

If the affair isn't the reason for the divorce, why was it never brought up until after her affair began?

Wife says tonight that she called about the Kids First classes to postpone and said that the classes were non-refundable. She also said that she talked to the kids about the classes and I got snarky and said well, I'm glad you talked to them alone about it. Her reply was,well, I tried to get you to talk withbisball about it.

I need to learn how to meet her emotional needs even when she has closed herself off and keep talking up divorce. When she brings up how hurt she's been in the marriage or when she starts talking about divorcing, I just kind of [censored] down. I'm taking advantage of these opportunities to do something, to try to connect.

It's a good opportunity to have a conversation. Just don't be snarky and stay away from lovebusters. You DO understand the concept of lovebusters, right? One lovebuster will undo the effect of many lovebank deposits.

EVEN SO, you need get that spyware on her phone to find out what she is doing. I am not convinced at all that contact has ended.Even a wetbrain is clever enough to delete text messages and emails. She DOES NOT act like someone who is in withdrawal and has given up on her affair.

Did you read the book Surviving an Affair? I thought you told me you had ordered it. Will you read through this series of articles about the Basic Concepts? It's real important that you understand how romantic love is created, sustained and how it ruined. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/basic-concepts.htm

I understand the concept of love busters, like disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts, so I can avoid those. More important to me is how turn shift from a complaint, eg, this marriage has been so bad for me, to a conversation that might meet an emotional need. Maybe that complaint (and I'm not intending to minimize what she's experienced and expressing as a mere complaint) isn't a jumping off point.

I am a complete idiot in this space of intimate conversation.

Reading SAA now.

The problem I am having is in application. In other words, in SAA, both Sue and Kevin were in an ongoing affair and knew they were. My wife, as of now, considers the affair done since the OM requested no further communication. Neither my wife or the OM has written that no contact letter that Harley has in SAA. Hence, as I am reading SAA, I see Sue and Kevin taking that first step of a no contact letter which is really a step toward reconciliation. I don't see the equivalency here.

My wife, although not displaying signs of ending the affair, appears to be no contact (I'm working on confirming). Should I be requesting her to draft or do I draft a no contact letter like that in SAA? The no contact letter is really a first step toward reconciliation, but my wife has zero desire to move toward reconciliation. So I imagine she'd just say no to a request to send a no contact letter because the no contact letter indicated that she's turning back to the marriage.

I think I'll reach out to the OMW to encourage her to draft, with her husband, a no contact letter to my wife and encourage a very clear communication that the relationship for OM is over and he's turning to the marriage. I wonder if that changes my wife's calculus to receive that letter, in other words, the fantasy of him ultimately being available disappears, hence, reality intrudes and incentivizes reconciliation for her.

Oh, over the weekend I set up a new sole checking account. I'm prepping to have my direct deposit changed from our joint to my checking account.

Does this action fit in Plan A?