I'm working to get contact info from the OMW for the OMs family.

I'll ask her if the OM is displaying any signs of withdrawal or frustration related to going no contact.

Regarding her comments and complaints about the nature of our marriage... When she does express these, should I be asking for more information? For example, if she says that during the marriage I didn't demonstrate that I cared about her, rather than arguing that I did, should I ask her what I or am doing that causes her think that I don't care about her or the marriage?

Ask her to tell you what would have been the best ways to show you care. Was it a lack of affection? Are you very affectionate? Just say "I am sorry I made you feel that way and I want to learn from my mistakes. What could I have done better to demonstrate care?"

Thank you. This kind of stuff doesn't occur to me instinctively. That admission probably sheds some light on the troubles in my marriage.

Sent her this afternoon your proposed email response that you suggested yesterday with a small modification.

Would she be willing to fill out this questionnaire for you? You could say something like "It would help me if you could fill out this questionnaire so I can understand what I did wrong." https://www.marriagebuilders.com/file.htm?id=12-C20AD4D76FE97759AA27A0C99BFF6710

Unlikely. I imagine that she'd laugh at me.

Ok. Just see if you can get her talking so you have a better understanding about why she felt uncared for. Let her talk and you listen with no defensiveness.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that's even a possibility now. Her email reply to me this evening:

"There is not postponing or cancelling the class. The affair is over per OMs request. I cannot do what you are asking me to do. I cannot be the wife you need me to be. There is too much damage. I have given you all I can and all the 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th ...chances to change so we could have a happy life together. Each time there has been change I have given myself fully to this relationship and every time you have reverted to your abusive ways, leaving me hurt and alone. I'm not going to be burned by you again.

I know the affair with OM hurt you and OMW. I am sorry for that. I should have ended our relationship before falling in love with another man. I wish I would have been stronger and done things the right way, divorce first.

I have wanted a divorce for a long time, it wasn't until the affair with OM that I realized how truly unhappy I was with you. Even though the relationship with OM is over, the feeling that I could be happy in a relationship lingers.

I have no idea how I'm going to hire a lawyer but I will figure out a way to be free from this relationship.

I am asking you, begging you, will you please work with me in a way that we can still co-parent together with kindness. We don't have to have a divorce like your parents. We can be parents that are divorced but still work together for the boys. One way or another this marriage will end, we have to decide how we will treat each other as we enter into co-parents. Do you want it to be a nasty fight or can we start communicating with a mediator to find solutions to manage the end of this marriage?"

Feeling sad and hopeless.

Until you are divorced, lots of things are possible.

DrD, just stick to your plan and stay in a perfect Plan A. No lovebusters, no snarkiness, no nothing! You are not suggesting a "nasty fight," it sounds like she is. Don't respond to this. You have already told her how you feel. If it comes up in discussion say: "I am not interested in divorce. If you are, then I can't stop you. "<-----be a broken record!

She wants you to do all the work for her. If she wants to get a divorce, there is nothing stopping her. Just don't help her. Not helping her gives you more time to change your behavior and attract her back. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You can't afford ONE lovebuster, so please make sure you know what they are. Lovebusters

I saw in her browsing history that she was generally searching for divorce attorneys and searching for or about how to divorce a spouse who doesn't want to get divorced.

I hear you on perfect Plan A.

Time is on your side.....

She ADMITS what I have been telling you all along right here. She never wanted a divorce until she had an affair. THE AFFAIR IS THE REASON SHE WANTS A DIVORCE. I promise you there is a plan in place to hook up with him in the future. That is why she wants the divorce. She is very addicted to the OM and won't give him up so easily.

Making sure this affair is ended gives you a chance at saving this. That is why exposure to the OM's family, which you are dragging out, is so important. Dragging out an exposure makes it less impactful so I am unsure why you are doing this.

An affair is an addiction very much like an alcohol or narcotic addiction. When you are drunk the rest of your life looks boring and intolerable IN COMPARISON. This is why adulterers always rewrite history. Life pales in comparison to the HIGH that comes with an affair. This is why you need to hold out and make sure the affair is really over. If her affair is really over - which I doubt - she will sober up and the comparison to a fantasy won't be there. BUT, you need to be an attractive place to land as she sobers up from this fantasy,

It is real important that you spy on her and make sure this affair is really over, though. She is not in withdrawal which is very suspicious. And get your exposures done!!

I texted the OMW this morning to check in and say hi. She replied that she thinks we should stop communicating by text so she can focus on her family.

I was hoping to share with her some of my wife's writing, specifically, my wife being highly critical of her for going a week without drinking before relapsing and my wife's desire for her and the OM to plan out their next steps to be together. My wife and the OMW were very close and the OMW says she worries about my wife and still wants to be friendly. I want to shock her out of that but think this avenue of comms is closing.

I'm pretty sure my wife has looked at this website - https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.equitablemediation.com/blog/i-want-a-divorce-but-my-husband-doesnt%3fhs_amp=true - and is following some of the info provided.

Am I anywhere near this guy's zone - https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2515867/1.html

Absent being able to contact the OMs family, which appears unlikely at this point, it seems that the intent of Plan A is met, although, ofc, which is not at all interested in reconciliation.

Yes, you should do that!

The intent of Plan A has not been met at all since one of your most critical exposures has been skipped. It is not a cafeteria plan. It is not a check the box exercise for conflict avoiders. Exposure to the OM's family is one of the most critical exposures. You can't afford to skip that step. Please make it happen. I would take your free time and focus on getting contact information for OM's family instead of reading old threads. [that I have read myself! I have been here every day for 18 years.]

Struggling to find contact info for OMs family.

How did your WW find out about the OMBW relapsing?

Where do his parents live? Have you tried looking them up via whitepages.com? What about his family member's facebook pages? What about the OMW's facebook page? Surely she is friends with some inlaws.