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Joined: Oct 2019
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Murough Offline OP
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Hello I’m new to the forum. My boyfriend (really more of a husband but no papers to go with) has become very non sexual. It has hurt me greatly and for months now it has become a topic of discussion. The more I have begged him for that attention the less I see it. I went from short lived sex with him every 2-4 weeks at which point I asked he start adding toys when he doesn’t feel sexy to him now just using a toy on me at the same rate and showing no enthusiasm while doing it. He says he thinks he doesn’t work. I have a high sex drive and cannot sleep if it’s not indulged in some way a few times a week. So i pleaded that I just needed more then was happening. He has had these issues in the past. He was even intentionally celibate for nearly a decade before we got together because relationship confidence issues. When we first got together we had been best friends for years and I left a bad marriage to be with him. He had a very hard time adjusting to our relationship becoming sexual. He bought me a toy right away afraid he couldn’t. But nothing was actually wrong with him physically. We would start and he’d just have a panic attack and stop it. I think it was a good couple months before he felt okay just having sex. He was never really good at it but we had a normal sex life for a while. Then it slowed progressively over the next few years. Then it got to this point were it was a few minutes of sex once or twice a month. No foreplay, no trying to finish me off with a toy and now it’s no penis at all just the toy. I honestly think his penis works fine and it’s a focus/stress issue. He hasn’t even been trying to become Aroused. He just shuts down if I try because he is so certain it’s not going to work. Today I finally asked him if he really thinks it’s his body failing him will he try medication. He agreed and ordered Viagra and Cialis. My hopes is maybe this will restore his sexual confidence both physically and mentally and he will start making moves. My fear though is these drugs don’t just give you instaboners he will still have to start making a effort to become turned on. As of right now he is just tuned out. I’m not a unattractive women ether. Men try to hit on me routinely. You think that would make me feel better but that just makes it all the more painful I’m not having sex or the sex I’m receiving has very little enthusiasm. Something about strangers throwing themselves at you when the man you loves shows no interest is just so incredibly painful to me. Does anyone have any advice what to expect from these medications and how to support a partner that is battling underlying issues beyond the physical barriers these medications treat?

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Hi Murough and welcome to Marriage Builders. Sexual problems generally come in two flavors; those that are the canary in the coal mine of a bad relationship and those that are caused by sexual aversion. BF may have both types; sexual aversion exacerbated by the way in which your relationship started and the pressure you are now putting on him to perform. You had an affair and left your husband for him. He is wondering when it will be his turn.

Taking sexual enhancement medicines will not help either type. Nothing you can do about the way your relationship started other than to end it. Overcoming sexual aversion requires endless patience and love; you sound very demanding.

Time to end this relationship. Apologise to him for what you have done.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 10/17/19 12:08 PM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material
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Folks, a friendly reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please email me directly if you need clarification. Thank you.


MBDenali@gmail.com

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