This was in the past when she and the OM were still communicating.

About a week following Labor Day which is when regular electronic contact resumed.

Tries both their FB pages and his shows no friends at all and hers has 2 cousins and siblings from her own family.

I'm pretty sure that he's from WA state and while whitepages associated some names with both the OM and OMW, there's no clear link to parents. I ran those associated names through FB to see if they were linked to the OM, but that didn't reveal anything. Still grinding...

Keep at it!

Just getting ready to smash the submit button on changing my direct deposit.

My thought process is, in part, motivated by a desire to show her how I am supporting the family financially, but she's already well aware of this. Another motivation is avoid her using the family's money to pay for a lawyer or any other expenses to pay for a divorce - let her get a credit card or a loan of she's so intent on divorcing me. Another bit of motivation is her spending the family's money on stiff for her that helps her prepare herself for divorce or post divorce.

Am I just being punitive or spiteful?

What are their interests on FB? Did they like stupid games? Is a veterinarian liked by one of them? If you befriend a friend of theirs, you can probably see more info.

Create a blank FB acct, friend some people who play games and might be friends with them. Be creative.

The OMs FB page has zero posts to it and no info at all. The OMWs FB page has several posts, the last from 2016 and less than 8 friends linked. There are also less than 20 comments on those posts. These are not active FB pages.

Maybe a public records search...

Dr Harley has addressed this issue. When a wayward spouse is fogged out [she is!] and is talking about divorce, etc, the betrayed spouse needs to protect herself/himself financially. Your fogged out wife can wipe you out financially and cause enormous damage.You need to protect yourself from that. This is not out of spite,, but out of self preservation from a destructive spouse. Having an affair is about as destructive as it gets. She could cause damage to your finances that would be very hard to overcome even after her affair is really over and the fog wears off. Being financially disabled would also make you less attractive as a marriage partner! So, you are right to take steps to protect yourself and your kids financially.

Saw a text tonight from my wife to her longest and closest friend wherein my wife expresses to her friend that she is having trouble communicating to me that the marriage is over and explaining that I cancelled mediation. In other words, complaining to her friend why I just don't get that it's over. So my wife asked her friend if she'd look at the email chain that you guys are seeing here in these posts above.

Mediation isn’t necessary to avoid a difficult divorce. Both times I was the one that filed, while following the MB advice not to talk divorce, just to be consistent in saying there is a program that will bring us lasting happiness if we follow it. Some people don’t want to do things a proven way and have a sense of entitlement that they want what they want when they want it. Its really positive that your DW is recognizing and acknowledging your changes. In the love bank that’s still in withdrawal but getting closer to state of conflict which is trying but a really good sign that you’re doing the right things. Remember spending quality time with your kids teaching them thoughtfulness is a great way to make deposits. No man will love your kids like you will.

Listening to the MB radio show daily helped me change my attitude until now it’s pretty effortless to listen empathetically to complaints and figure out how I want to change my behavior. I hope it will also give you the motivation to finish the exposure up quickly and move on to the next steps.

Your wife is trying to control you. She does not have trouble communicating anything. She communicated just fine and you responded.

NED makes a good point about mediation. In fact, mediation usually causes conflict because the couple, who is IN CONFLICT, is forced to negotiate. Negotiating a settlement through lawyers avoids all that conflict unless one person wants to be difficult.

Is she planning on being difficult? Hopefully not!

A good article about affection. Affection is a demonstration of CARE. For future use: LEARNING THE SKILL OF AFFECTION

Thank you, NED. I appreciate the insights and advice.

She does acknowledge the changes I am making and continue to make, but quickly associates them with me being a good dad and that our kids deserve a better dad than I have been. Shortly after she explained on Fathers Day that she wanted a separation, she was acknowledging how kind I was to her and telling her friends and family and our marriage counselor how calm and easy things were in the house. But those haven't come back up since I found out about the affair.

Yeah, my wife is in this fantasyland wherein were going to have this friendly, amicable divorce that resembles what she thinks her divorced parents did (which itself is imagined). I'm not intending to make it nasty, but I'm not planning on being friends.

In her text to her friend yesterday asking for help in getting through to me, she noted to her friend that she was going to be kind to me and to do so for the kids.

Thanks. I read the one you linked to and briefly read through the others. Fascinating and gives me hope that I can be successful in repairing this marriage. I just need my wife to feel comfortable leaning in to start down that path.

In each or these articles, Harley describes couples who see him together, ie, both are willing to start the work to see what happens. I feel I'm a thousand miles away from that starting point.

But Plan A the hell out of this by finishing up exposure and start on the ENs while also protecting myself by separating finances and perhaps showing what divorce looks like for her. ENs to be affection and intimate conversation along with taking excellent care of the kids. Avoid LBs like a muthaf@#ka.

One thing that comes out very strongly from her communications is that she is lonely. I'm sure OM gave/gives her lots of undivided attention. That EN is going to be really easy for you to meet. Just stop what you are doing when she starts to talk to you and really engage. Mealtimes are perfect.

Obviously you are not going to say "I am meeting your EM of intimate conversation" If you do that she will immediately cotton on and stop talking to you. Keep this very casual. She needs you to find her fascinating.

Thanks, I really appreciate the advice. As I've noted before, I think I'm a dunce in this area of emotional needs and recognizing opportunities to meet ENs and to cultivate those opportunities as well.

You are not as far as you think.The stage is set for this to work, you just have to be patient, consistent, watching for opportunities to meet her needs. Those opportunities will usually come through small talk with her. Focus on being as pleasant as possible.


You got it!! Keep in mind that you have a great chance of turning this around. I know it doesn't seem that way to you, but I have seen much worse than this make a complete turnaround.

Some watchouts, of course, is any contact with the OM. You really need to be a super spy right now so you can knock down any contact between them. I am concerned there is still contact or WILL BE contact. Affairees are very sloppy so she will mess up eventually. You just have to be able to see it so you can address and KILL.

I know. But what a challenge, eh? Seeing how she writes about me and how she discusses this with her friends dampens the enthusiasm to pursue ENs and taking advantage of opportunities to engage.


Thanks for the encouragement.