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Hello,
I have been married for over 7 years, and my husband has had issues watching pornography from the very beginning of our marriage (me unknowing to this). I found out later several months into our marriage he was watching this stuff. Once I caught him I did not keep up with it or ask him if he was continuing to watch it. A year ago I found out he was watching porn still so I told him I would tell our pastor if he did not change. After that he acted like he was not doing it every time I asked. This went until May of this year when I found out he had not stopped watching it but instead he had been watching it 17 times in one month (I came across this accidentally on his account). I warned him again that if he would not change that I would tell our pastor. He stopped and I didn’t realize how much our sex life was lacking until he really stopped (I had also found a way to monitor his account and showed him that I could which he agreed would help him). He started doing it again here and there and he was honest at first but then he started watching it on his work tablet so I went to my pastor and told him my husband was struggling with something. I did not go into detail and my pastor did not want me to elaborate on the situation or even have a discussion with me about it. Instead he and all the men prayed for my husband the next service. That was that and now he’s back at it again. This is a really tough battle and it is ruining my trust and everything else. Also, my husband is an avid hunter, fisher, noodler, playing golf, sports fan (basketball and football), so all his time is consumed in these things and running with the guys. I was literally due to have my first child in 2014 and he left over 2 hours away to go noodling just to give an idea of what our marriage has been like. He was born and raised a Christian man but his dad was not in church all of his childhood, only his mom until a few years ago. My husband is a lot like his dad. I want to keep my marriage but this has been really hard and it is affecting me in a lot of ways. I love my husband and I know he loves me. How can I get through this and keep my marriage? I really need some help.. sorry for the long post! Also, my husband travels for his work out of town a lot! And he is gone a lot on the weekends out of state during the hunting season and noodling season.

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Hello Audge, welcome to Marriage Builders. The solution to addictions is to remove the environment which made it possible to pursue the addiction. For example, if an alcoholic is to successfully quit drinking, he has to stay out of bars and remove the alcohol from his house. He recovers by removing the temptation and the opportunity. Since will power does not work, the key to sobriety is to change his lifestyle so it accommodates sobriety. That seems to be the missing piece in your marriage. Your husband still has full access to the devices he uses for porn and he has ample opportunity to use porn with is traveling job. I would add that there is an epidemic of divorces and affairs in marriages where one spouse has a traveling job. It is impossible sustain intimacy in a marriage when you are not together every night.

So, that is where you should start if you want to solve this problem. You would need to dramatically change the environment that accommodates porn use. Remove the devices and remove the opportunities.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to the forum, Audge. I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here.

Your marriage will not change until you take the steps to insist on removal and elimination of all pornography.

Dr. Harley wrote an article about this problem and the solutions here:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-scourge-of-pornography.htm

Porn use often makes the husband lazy for engaging in mutual sex because having sexual fulfillment with porn is easier. If he does this often enough, he will lose part of his physical sensations/capability for having penis/vagina intercourse with his wife and will prefer oral stimulation from her in the event he acquiesces to a mutual experience .

In addition to what Melody posted above (removing all of the ways he can access pornography), the solution is also to have nothing available but penis/vagina sexual fulfillment until his drive and capabilities are restored.

If you find that he only wants oral and you are not enthusiastic about doing oral, then don't provide it. Doing so anyway will create an aversion for you that will just create other problems.

Porn in marriage is as serious as an affair in marriage. Be sure to read the article which describes how important it is for all sexual experiences in a marriage to be experienced together and not separately.

As a way of introduction to Dr. Harley, he has studied 10,000's of couples to determine what steps to resolve problems actually work and only advocates solutions that have been proven over and over to be successful. On this board we will not advocate trial/error solutions because, due to Dr. Harley's research, we already have the knowledge base of which solutions have proven over and over again to be failures and without any successes.


Last edited by Sunnytimes; 10/20/19 08:27 AM.

Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Audge,

Here are two additional articles about what Dr. Harley has found to be reality of pornography:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/addiction-to-pornography-1.htm

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/addiction-to-pornography-2.htm

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Some key quotes from the 1st article posted by Sunnytimes. [thanks Sunny!]

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"But if the husband is a sexual addict, a sincere decision to end his viewing of pornography is not enough. He may want to stop, but can't resist the craving to view it. He feels guilty whenever he does it, and may even confess it to his wife shortly thereafter, expressing deep shame for his behavior. But when given an opportunity to view pornography, he takes it.

The most successful formula for treating any addiction is to separate the addict from the source of the addiction and/or to reduce the craving. To assume that an addict's willpower will be enough to end the behavior reflects a misunderstanding of what an addiction really is.

In Jody's case, leaving pornographic videos in the attic is a big mistake. They should be destroyed. As to her fear that he would then use Internet access, there are many programs and servers that would filter out pornographic websites from the his computer or Smartphone. Making sure that the history of website visits are not erased, and using a Keylogger to record all keystrokes can hold an addict accountable for what he is viewing. Since many businesses now monitor employee use of computers to make sure that they are not used for viewing pornography, the addict's most common sources is his private computer or Smartphone.

A sex addict really does want to overcome his habit of viewing pornography (by definition of a sex addict). So when the lines of defense I've mentioned are breached, he is usually willing to explain how the breach took place, and what can be done for him to avoid it in the future. In some cases, I've encouraged sex addicts to give up use of their private computer or Smartphone, and use their wife's computer or Smartphone when they are together. He carries with him a cellphone without Internet access."

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
That brings up the question, is a husband's willful viewing of pornography sufficient cause for divorce? For many wives, it is. The pain she experiences when he is willfully using images of other women to become sexually arouses, creating sexual alternatives to her, is such an egregious violation of trust that the marriage cannot continue for her. I recommend a separation before actually filing for divorce, because many men come to realize the importance of the problem only when she makes it a marriage deal-breaker.
THE SCOURGE OF PORNOGRAPHY



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Careers that ruin marriages:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
But what about careers that separate spouses for an entire week? Or, a month? Or, a year? There are many careers of spouses that I've counseled that require being separated for extensive periods of time. These careers make the kind of dating that I recommend impossible. When dating is impossible, a romantic relationship is impossible.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley about airline careers
As a result, their marriages are usually very precarious. Having counseled thousands of them, especially during the first few years of my practice, the only way that I was able save many of their marriages was for them to find careers that would not separate them overnight, giving them time to date.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
I've offered the same advice to business travelers as I've offered to airline employees: If the financial reward to travel is too great to avoid, travel together as husband and wife. Many couples have followed my advice, and have made a business trip a great opportunity for romance.

But many of the couples I've counseled who have been caught in the web of required business travel overnight have simply decided to endure a passionless marriage, putting them at risk for an affair. Or, they have divorced. For them, the option of finding a job that did not require travel, or included their spouse on business trips, is considered to be insanity. What is actually insane is to create a lifestyle that ruins a marriage.

Joyce and I have travelled together throughout most of our marriage, whether it's she that is traveling for her career, or it is me. We both carry work with us so that when one is engaged in business, the other can be productive. We choose projects that we can do while waiting for each other to complete their business assignment. That way, neither of us feels as if we are wasting our time when we are not together. And the trips themselves have been very romantic.

CAREERS THAT PREVENT DATING




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I see what you are saying. I can monitor his phone but he has started watching it on his work tablet. I can’t monitor that or control that because of the company. And also he will still watch porn on his phone even though I am monitoring him.

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This has been a major problem. He would rather have oral intercourse over our normal relations. I hate giving this to him and he would get upset when I wouldn’t. He would not even consider normal relations sometimes and he constantly asks for the oral. I would rather not do anything then give him oral intercourse and he would say it is this or nothing. Also one time when we were having relations it had began to hurt and I told him so and he said good and he acted like he enjoyed hurting me. My husband also has to masturbate during intercourse pretty much every time for him to reach a climax (sorry if this is tmi). This is affecting me so much and I have begun to hate our sexual relations because of how damaging it is. It has been a month since our last encounter intimately.

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Originally Posted by Audge
I see what you are saying. I can monitor his phone but he has started watching it on his work tablet. I can’t monitor that or control that because of the company. And also he will still watch porn on his phone even though I am monitoring him.

If he were home every night it would be almost impossible to watch porn. But you can monitor his work tablet. If he can watch porn on it, you can install spyware.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Audge
This has been a major problem. He would rather have oral intercourse over our normal relations. I hate giving this to him and he would get upset when I wouldn’t. He would not even consider normal relations sometimes and he constantly asks for the oral. I would rather not do anything then give him oral intercourse and he would say it is this or nothing. Also one time when we were having relations it had began to hurt and I told him so and he said good and he acted like he enjoyed hurting me. My husband also has to masturbate during intercourse pretty much every time for him to reach a climax (sorry if this is tmi). This is affecting me so much and I have begun to hate our sexual relations because of how damaging it is. It has been a month since our last encounter intimately.

I would strongly suggest you STOP having sex with him until he eliminates the porn and learns to make love in a way that pleases you. All you are doing is SETTING UP a sexual aversion that will be very hard to overcome. You are not making love, after all, he is just selfishly getting off. To him, it is just another form of masturbation. Porn addicts view sex only as a physical act no more significant than 2 jack rabbits getting it on. *puke* Sex to them is not emotional or intimate, it is all physical.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I hope you are reading the articles we posted because you need that understanding in order to understand the advice we give.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, I would stop threatening to tell the pastor and just tell him. Ask for his support by telling him the real problem. The pastor cannot SOLVE the problem, but he can help you in setting up an environment that would make it impossible for him to watch porn. A change of environment is the only thing that will change his behavior. God is not going to force your husband to stop this behavior against his will. Your husband has to take steps to eliminate the environment. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Really I have not enjoyed my sex life in over 3 years. I’ve heard from women over the years that if you don’t give your husband his needs then he will find it elsewhere so I would do it even when it’s extremely painful and I would sometimes give him oral even when I hate every minute of it. We have no intimacy in our marriage besides our regular sex life. I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not normal. My husband would take me out to eat on my birthday and etc but he would be on the phone watching sports or talking to people the whole time or even at home he’s on his phone until he goes to bed. When he’s not doing that he spends all his time with the guys (hunting fishing noodling, sports (golf basketball football) or doing something out of state with his friend Daniel who’s married to his cousin. It’s rare for us to go on vacation or take a trip without a bunch of people involved and him running off with the guys. I know he loves me and my kids but it’s very lonely in all of this.

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Originally Posted by Audge
Really I have not enjoyed my sex life in over 3 years. I’ve heard from women over the years that if you don’t give your husband his needs then he will find it elsewhere so I would do it even when it’s extremely painful and I would sometimes give him oral even when I hate every minute of it.

He already *IS* getting it elsewhere. All you are doing is causing a sexual aversion. You don't help your marriage by sacrificing your enjoyment. People who sacrifice their enjoyment eventually stop doing it completely. What you are doing is unsustainable. All you are doing is ensuring that your sexual relationship is horrible. The longer you do this, the stronger the aversion will become until you won't even be able to stand his touch.

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We have no intimacy in our marriage besides our regular sex life.

That is not intimacy. He could pay $5 and get a blow job in the alley. It would have the same significance. What you are describing is NOT making love.

Quote
I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not normal. My husband would take me out to eat on my birthday and etc but he would be on the phone watching sports or talking to people the whole time or even at home he’s on his phone until he goes to bed. When he’s not doing that he spends all his time with the guys (hunting fishing noodling, sports (golf basketball football) or doing something out of state with his friend Daniel who’s married to his cousin. It’s rare for us to go on vacation or take a trip without a bunch of people involved and him running off with the guys. I know he loves me and my kids but it’s very lonely in all of this.

He is completely checked out. This is not an intimate relationship. But you shouldn't settle for this. You don't have to.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Audge
I’ve heard from women over the years that if you don’t give your husband his needs then he will find it elsewhere

Your husband does not have a "need" for blow jobs. No one does.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Audge, porn addiction is a form of infidelity.

With a sexual addiction to the extent you have indicated (including liking sex that hurts you) I would not be surprised if he were having sexual hookups when he is away. If I had to bet a paycheck one way or the other, I'd bet in favor of him having a secret second life that includes physical hookups with other people.

Melody, what would you suggest as next steps? Please update the action list with your changes:

(1) Let your husband know that you will no longer tolerate porn and that he must stop it.

(2) Without telling him, find a way to verify on his devices if he still is using porn. Our investigation forum has information on techniques to use for this. Do not ask him if he is still using; do not reveal you know he is still using. If you do these things he will just make it harder for you to know if he is using it or not.

(3) Stop having sex with him until he pursues you for sex in a way you enjoy.

(4) Insist that he prioritize recreational time with you - at least 15 hours per week - before scheduling any time with his friends.

(5) When husband doesn't stop viewing porn, do a full exposure per Exposure 101 asking family and close friends for help (not just to the pastor). You would ask them to contact him to persuade him to stop using porn and to return to the marriage.

(6) After the exposure, give him 2 weeks to stop. If he does not stop, separate.

(7) After separation if he indicates interest in prioritizing the marriage over porn and his friends, let him know that his traveling job is over and he needs to find something where he is home every night (or where the family can travel with him). If he does not want the marriage, then you have Biblical cause for divorce - sexual unfaithfulness.

If he is not willing to change and re-join the marriage, you will either need to divorce him or know that you will only ever have the marriage you have now.

Last edited by Sunnytimes; 10/20/19 12:31 PM.
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I would use this article as a general guideline with a more forceful Plan A letter. She can follow the guidelines in this article. I agree she should tell the pastor, but I don't remember Dr Harley recommending exposure except as related to infidelity. Audge, please read this article. I hope you are reading the articles we have posted so you are keeping up here. I JUST LEFT MY SPOUSE. NOW WHAT?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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