Left the flowers out, though not sure she saw the note as it didn't look disturbed. She didn't say anything about them.

Saw that she called a local artorney.

Weird stuff.

Saw that she's contacted a local family law attorney.

This morning we chit-chatted and had breakfast as a family. She and the boys readied up and went to their parenting class. Later this afternoon, after both boys are out playing and it's just her and I at home, I try making small talk and notice that she's really not interested in chatting. Shirt answers, not looking at me, an edge to her voice. Neighbor kids come over and she goes outside to talk to them. I come into the house from garage and then she comes in, walks over to her school-issued laptop and laughs out loud. I ask what's up and she doesn't answer, so I ask, again, and she says, well I left my laptop open with my journal on the screen and I know how you like to read my stuff. I simply replied, well, I didn't read it this time and went back outside. Felt like she was baiting me.

Tonight after boys bedtime, we're talking about her job and how her schedule has changed a bit. I tell her I'm happy about that and means she doesn't have to be getting up so early and leaving before both boys are awake. She replies that the extra money would have helped for a lawyer. I didn't reply and she follows-up with that she thinks she'll need to get a second job, nights and/or weekends, to help pay for an attorney since I don't want to do mediation. I had an opportunity here to say something, but I didn't. Probably should have taken the opportunity to repeat that I don't want a divorce and that I won't help her with a divorce. But, again, felt like she was baiting me.

After checking in on the boys, I come downstairs and make small talk about the boys. Now, we had plans to go to the pumpkin patch tomorrow and now she tells me that she's going to pass and that I should take the boys myself. I remind her that's what she said last weekend and that this morning she told me and the boys that we'd go tomorrow morning. She simply says, well, I've changed my mind, I don't think it's a good idea that I go.

DD this is a good sign, not a bad one. She is resisting allowing you to meet her need for recreational companionship because she is conflicted. She doe not want to be drawn back into a relationship with you.

Keep working on this, it is a marathon not a sprint. Be consistent; remember that one of her major complaints is that you will make an effort when things are in crisis and then return to isolating her her once the crisis has blown over.

Just keep being pleasant! You are doing just fine. You are right, she is trying to bait you. You did a good job not taking the bait.

“ I remind her that's what she said last weekend and that this morning she told me and the boys that we'd go tomorrow morning. She simply says, well, I've changed my mind, I don't think it's a good idea that I go.”

Reminding her of what she said before comes across as a lecture. Next time just say “we will really miss you.”

Trying to engage wife in conversation so I ask what she's listening to and she says a podcast. I ask what podcast and she says one about divorce. Ugh

Saw a text between my wife and one of her friends. She was thanking her for all of kind words. She also told her that she was looking at rentals and was shooting for a June date for either her or me to move out.

A little earlier when both boys were outside playing, my wife asked me to read the book, "Good Parenting Through Your Divorce". She indicated that she was finding the book helpful and she got it through the Kids Turn classes that she and the boys are attending (which she also indicated were really good). She raised the idea of me reading the book to, again, talk about using mediation rather than attorneys explaining that we going to have to co-parent and using attorneys and litigation will not be helpful to that and likely bring out the worst in both of us. I simply replied that it's not bringing out the worst in me and didn't plan to let it. She then explained that using litigation means that the courts decide what happens to us and the kids and I simply said, no, a court doesn't have to decide anything and that I wasn't going to discuss divorce with her. She wasn't very happy about that response and before she left to run an errand was huffing and puffing around the house. Somewhere in there she indicated that by refusing to do mediation that I was putting a huge financial burden on the family. I wish I had a snappy come back, like, I'm not the one breaking apart the family, but didn't think of it in the morning.

Now that she's back, both boys are still outside playing and I don't know what to do with her. When she came home she didn't say anything to me and when I asked how she was she gave me a shirt answer with plenty of tone suggesting that she wasn't interested in interacting with me.

On the plus side, though, we calmly and rationally discussed and came up with a specific plan to manage our boys screen time during the week. We discussed potential solutions and ended up agreeing on one approach without arguing or one of us trying hard to persuade the other.

That is the perfect response. Just keep on being as polite as possible while you hold your ground. That's all you can do..

Damn, I just don't know how to respond to my wife.

I went to talk to her about some gaming stuff for the boys and she used it to talk about moving my computer and desk out of the office room so that she could move in saying that there's no reason why she should be sleeping on the couch. I noted that she didn't have to sleep on the couch or in another room in the house and her response was I'll never sleep in the same room with you, again. She asked that we have my stuff out of the office by Thanksgiving and I said, well, we'll see and work on that and her reply was that we'll see and work on it wasn't good enough and that if I didn't have the stuff moved out by Thanksgiving then she would move it. I told her I didn't know where'd we put it and she suggested our master bedroom.

I just don't know how to work in these types of conversations.

Sheesh, she is trying to bully you into getting out of your office. I would not agree to that. There is no reason you should lose your office. You have not kicked her out of the bedroom. She is obviously not happy sleeping on the couch and that is good thing!

She's been talking about "moving into" the office since early September. I've been dragging my feet finishing the partial basement remodel we have had going - the idea being that the computer and stuff would end up out in the main basement area (which is a good thing). Nonetheless, she isn't happy sleeping on the couch and I don't know if that's a good thing for me, per se. It may just be that she's bringing closure by moving itno a separate part of the house.

Wife texted me that she has an appointment after work without any further elaboration. Looked at her her web browsing history and see that she looked up a family law attorney as she was leaving work. I suspect that she is seeing an attorney this afternoon.

Just got my direct deposit changed and am opening a new savings account but hesitating on taking half or all of the money out our joint savings account.

Confirmed, wife went to see a lawyer. Also, saw a text stream between her and a friend who went through a divorce 18 months ago. She wants to get together with her friend to find out more what she can expect from the process. She also expressed that while it will be expensive, it didn't seem too bad. Also, saw in my wife's browser history that she was looking at our state's child support calculator.

Remember you are fighting for your marriage. What’s your plan for this week?

Have you downloaded the radio app yet?

I'm not sure.

For me: I'm going to start exercising regularly, again. Hurt my knee a month ago and just getting back; install spyware (no chance over last several days, she's keeping phone very close).
For family: Carving pumpkins; making dinner at least once over the next three days; make some progress on finishing basement drywall.
For boys: Taking treating on Thursday; playing catch at least 2x over next few days; play some board games; encourage positive behaviors; avoid impatience and raising voice.
For wife: Continue engaging, be an active listener, find opportunities to meet an EN.

Changed direct deposit today; will open savings and transfer half of our savings and all of boys savings to my savings acct - rationale is to protect that money. I have a feeling that she sold our engagement ring to net her some dough to pay for an attorney (retainer money), but in case she hasn't sold it, I don't want her spending our savings or our boys to pay for a divorce.

Downloaded the app on my phone but haven't figured it out.

Just saying hi and asking about her day isn't cutting it in my attempts to get to more intimate conversation. I do ask about her day at work and about specific children she's working with and we end up having a good convo, albeit short. I need to figure out how to expand this.

What does she like talking about? Think back to when you were dating? How did you speak to her then? What were her favorite subjects? The sooner you get that spyware on her phone the sooner you can find out what is going on.

These days I am not so sure.

We enjoyed talking about what we'd be doing together...all the things to do and places to go; talk about our families; etc. That seems out of touch now.

Sheesh...she's been waiting several weeks to find out if she was accepted into a masters program in counseling. I saw a text to her dad and his wife that she was invited to a second stage that involves an interview. So i ask her if she has heard from them (as I have been since last week) and she replies with only, yeah. It took our youngest son asking her if she was accepted for her to say anymore. She didn't sound enthusiastic so I said, you don't sound excited about it and she replied that she was. My instinct is to just say F$%^ It and quit trying to break through. Between her taking the kids to parenting class that is required for people going through to divorce to her hardly talking to me to her seeing a lawyer to her forcing her way into moving herself into our office room, it just doesn't seem possible that we could ever come back.

I also saw that she mentioned to her dad and his wife that I am in denial about a divorce happening (something she said to me this weekend) and that she's all about divorce and parenting right now.

This feels like a lost cause and that I should just lawyer and go for broke in a divorce. But I don't want that, I don't want to lose my family, see my boys only a few times a week.

This is why it is so important that you get spyware on her phone to see what is going on here. She is not in withdrawal which tells me she is still in touch with the OM or there is a PLAN in place. This is the leading CAUSE of a typical detachment. If you can get this intel, we could help you blow up the affair and really kill it off. But as long as you don't have spyware on her phone you have no way of knowing what she is doing. Another spy resource, in addition to her phone, could be a voice activated recorder in a key spot. Have you looked into that?

She is not in withdrawal and that is a huge red flag.