You are just fine. You just keep doing what you are doing. Be sure and respond to my posts!

I'm a natural lecturer it seems. Hence, I post it here to get it out of my system and then I can focus on something more productive.

The downstairs office is where we have our big office desk and my PC plus an extra closet space where we have all sorts of miscellaneous stuff stored, like excess tv, cables and devices. I use the office when I use my PC and typically only after kids and wife have gone to bed.

The plan with moving the PC was to finish the basement remodel and move the PC desk and PC equipment out there opening the office space for her to move in. With me lagging mightily finishing that remodel, I think this is partly motivating her to push on this. Absent putting the PC stuff in the basement then that means putting it in the master bedroom which is a pain because of the lack Ethernet in that room and the space limitations on that master bedroom.

Oh, hey, I appreciate you thinking about this, so take the time.

The office is only important in that this is where we located our internet modem, router, my PC, the printer, etc. Moving the modem and router while doable is a real pain since we don't currently have Ethernet or coax running up to second floor so connecting my PC directly to the router isn't possible. Now that's a convenience issue. I could the coax and Ethernet up there but that's a real pain. Plus I already have all the wiring and cabling done in the basement to locate the PC equipment out there.

What I really need to do is finish the drywall install in the basement and mudding and taping. And then we're ready to furnish it and start using the space.

So using the office per se is not that important.

Ok, here is what I want you to do. Acts of care are extremely important for your marriage. Her biggest complaint is that you don't care. This is a perfect opportunity for you to show how much you CARE. Allowing your wife to sleep on the couch demonstrates a lack of care. So what I want you to do is let her have the bedroom and you move to the couch. Send her a loving letter and say:

Dear W, I just want you to know how much I care about you and want you to move back into the bedroom and let me sleep on the couch. I realize you had an affair but it bothers me terribly to see you on the couch. If you will please move back into our room, I promise I will stay out of the room. I want you to be comfortable. I can help you move your things back into the room.

Love, DrD

This will show empathy and demonstrate your CARE. That is an important message for her and for your sons. This will make her feel CARED FOR. DO NOT expect her to reciprocate. What would a caring person do? You have to think of this as a strategy and not a quid pro quo.

So when she first wanted a separation and before I knew about the affair, I was sleeping in the office on an extra mattress, but my things were still in the master bedroom so we still shared the room and the attached bathroom. Once I discovered the affair, I simply told her I was sleeping in our bed. And that's when she started sleeping on the couch.

Since she started sleeping on the couch, we have moved her dresser and clothes down to the office room where she gets ready for work and also where she works out in the morning.

I don't want to sleep on the couch, it sucks. I am not as resistant to sleeping in the office which means that I move my dresser and clothes down there. That works because I can work and play on my PC and then sleep and get ready in the same room.

The disadvantage is that me sleeping in the office means that she loses her space to work out in early in the morning. We have a split level home and all the bedrooms are upstairs with a family room, dining area,and kitchen on the main floor and a living room and bedroom/office in the basement. So she could work out on the main floor. Her workouts are really important to her.

Moving out of our bedroom feels like a huge capitulation. I feel weak and out of control. It suggests that despite the monster violation of our marital vows that I am willing to concede our marital bedroom to her. That doesn't sit right.

But, maybe I am displaying care and not repugnant weakness by displacing myself from the marital bedroom. Though, it feels like this would be a naked and obvious attempt to nice her back to me.

Everything about me wants to resist this, but everything about me has gotten me into this predicament.

What would a caring person do here?

Recognize that my wife is really just asking for a more private and comfortable space to live, ie sleep, dress, etc. and then create that space for her. And since Im not done with the basement living area, yet, I can create that space by leaving our marital bedroom and moving myself to a space that I already utilize.

Huge love buster for me. If you recognize it, stop doing it.

Melody, I'm just a dumb guy when it comes to relationship stuff. Inside me, whenever there is conflict my instinct is to win and to not win means I have failed and from this I derive a sense of failure and shame. Failure that my idea or want to didn't win out and shame based on the thought that the other person perceives me as weak and undeserving of respect. That's my baseline.

I know, rationally, that this is neither a successful approach to life or a mentally healthy state, but it is what it is. But as I have learned through my IC, I often respond to conflict irrationally by not viewing the conflict as an opportunity to exhibit care, empathy, and love, but to pressure, persuade, and prevail.

Hence, the inner struggle I having relative to your suggestion is that my brain, my instincts tell me that I am capitulating, that is, I am rewarding her behavior at my expense and, in doing so, revealing that I am not searching of her respect or care.

I'm struggling here to alter my thinking.

None of this is to mean that I am not or don't want to follow your suggestion here. It is meant to describe that I am struggling with it and as an insight into how I think and react.

Thank you, again, for all of the time you're spending to help me here.

It is not a "capitulation" at all. You feel that showing care is a sign of weakness, but it is not. A caring man is STRONG. It is showing CARE for your wife and that is what you need to do. I would go to her and ask her what would be ideal for her because you don't want to see her sleep on the couch anymore. Offer the master bedroom. Remember the objective here is to show YOU HAVE CHANGED AND DO CARE ABOUT HER. To be quite honest,I don't know many men who could stomach their wives sleeping on the couches.


Because your "first instinct" is to fight. And because you don't know how to demonstrate CARE. You have to learn how to do this.


I think you should make this offer. Show her you CARE. Stop focusing on what she deserves or doesn't deserve.

Do you see that this has led you to this terrible place?

You are not strategic in your reactions, you are reactionary. You do view this as a LOSS in some sort of contest but who is losing here? YOU ARE.

Your wife wants to divorce you because she doesn't believe you CARE. You have a hard time showing empathy and CARE and that will ruin all of your relationships if you leave his marriage. You might as well learn to CARE and show empathy in a marriage with the mother of your children.

You are certainly free to divorce your wife and move on. No one would blame you. But if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to change and show that you CARE. This seems to be an excellent opportunity to do just that.

No, you are not rewarding her. You are showing that you CARE that your wife is uncomfortable on the couch and you want to alleviate her discomfort. I am sure she also worries that you will punish her for her affair in the future if she stays with you. This will send the message that you are not interested in punishing her. How hard could it be to sleep on the couch? Most men I know don't really care, whereas it is very uncomfortable for women.

Thank you, Melody.

I struggle even with just thinking about how to show care. When I read or hear others talking about it, it's foreign to me. It's as if I lack some biological thing or didn't learn this in 1st grade. Ugh.

All along here I've suppressed any sense that it might be uncomfortable for my wife to sleep on the couch because, well, she's choosing to. So tough rocks. Consequently, I've been able to tolerate knowing that it's uncomfortable and thought that maybe the experience compounded by other factors would cause her to reconsider divorce.

But that's the wrong approach. That approach ignores the central reasons underlying her want to divorce and that's her experience in a marriage with someone that has been emotionally abusive, didn't consistently show care and love, was angry, and repeatedly failed to live up to his promises to fundamentally change.

I want you to know that this did not come naturally to me either. I was combative like you before I got here. I am a very competitive person in my career. However, I always wrecked the love in my marriages due to this attitude. I ruined 2 marriages before I arrived here. Changing this was the key to changing my marriage. I would have never stayed married otherwise because no one wants a combative spouse. It really come across as UNCARING. I had to stop fighting, end the angry outbursts, stop the defensiveness and learn to show care and concern for my spouse. This is what you will have to do if you want to have any hope of turning this around.

I get that completely. It was foreign to me too. But you can learn to be empathetic and learn to show care. It comes naturally to me now.



You got it!

So, is this as simple as, for example, when she tells me how broken the marriage is and how badly I hurt the marriage I respond by saying that I am sorry for my angry outbursts and eithdrawals, that I can see how lonely and uncared for you would have felt as a result and that I will care for her and be there for her?

Above, Melody, you suggested that she liked getting the flowers, yet, I read her text to her friend that I posted above to suggest that she was annoyed by the gesture.

I figured she would be annoyed because she is so hostile to you now. The objective was to plant the seed that you have changed.

Yes, but you need to do more than convey understanding, you need to demonstrate care and concern when the opportunity presents itself. Absolutely no angry outbursts or lovebusters. She doesn't believe you will really change so your job is to show you understand and have changed. That comes from demonstrations. You have plenty of time to do that, too.

'
Does that mean she is writing TO YOU in her diary?

I'm not sure I understand your question.

In one sense, since she believes that I am capable of and have been reading her texts and email, she may also think I am reading her notebook writing. Hence, she may be, in part, writing content there knowing that I will see it. I think that's stretching, though.

In her notebook writings, I don't think she's writing to me, per se. But what do I know except the words that are on those pages?

It sounded like she was writing that to you when she said "thank you for the flowers."

Did you respond to her email yet?