No, haven't replied to her email, yet.

If you are so keen on winning, don't try to win one battle, try to win the war. You are getting great help here.

Bingo!

DrD, get to writing your response! Please post here so we can give you feedback.

I'm recognizing that my instinct is to fight or argue. That is different from actually fighting or arguing. When I post here that my first instinct is to fight it is in self reflection.

The objective of anger management is to change that instinct. When anger management is successful, your brain no longer goes to that place. If your brain automatically goes to ANGER, it means you have lost control and you may or may not react.

Do you drink very much? Use any narcotics?

It basically plagiarizes your suggestion:

Dear Wife,

I want you to know that I care deeply about you and don't want you to continue sleeping on the couch. I realize you that had an affair but it bothers me terribly to see you on the couch. I want you to move back into the bedroom and I'll rearrange the office space for me to sleep.

I want you to be comfortable. I can help you move your things back into the room.


Damn if this doesn't feel weak and desperate.

A strong man shows empathy and care for his wife. He doesn't want to see her suffer. I don't know where you got this idea that showing care is a sign of weakness. That is truly backwards.

I think you have confused showing care with allowing your spouse to run over you. The latter is just as bad for a marriage as not showing care. I want to assure you we are not asking you to allow her to run over you. But you do have to learn how to show care and empathy to your wife if you want to have a chance at saving this. Please read this article: HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE HAPPY

I want to understand what your wife means when she says you have made many promises and never followed through... What is she talking about?

I think you should remove the part that states " I realize you had an affair..."

Dear Wife,

I want you to know that I care deeply about you and want you to be comfortable. I will rearrange the office space and take that room, so you can move back into the bedroom.

I can help you move your things back into the room.

What does your wife mean when she says you have lied and lied? She complains that you don't care and indicates you have made promises in the past. But what has happened and how exactly have you changed? I don't see how any changes have been made. You still seem to be uncaring and combative. It's like you go into fight mode if she complains rather than using it as an opportunity for change.

So what has changed exactly in your behavior and why should she consider staying together?

I don't know that I think showing care is a sign of weakness. It does feel like me giving up our marital bedroom following her affair is weak. That's just what it feels like. It doesn't mean I think that is the case, but that feeling is there.

Of course I don't want to see my wife suffer or be hurt or be unhappy. Absent her having an affair Id still be sleeping in the office and her in our bedroom. But her having an affair and not showing any remorse early on, I wasn't going to sleep on the office floor any longer.

But, we are seemingly past that now and her sleeping on the couch is not good for her and me moving into the office is a better arrangement than her moving in the office.

You're right. I'm not seeing the distinction here, but that may be a function of hurt and pride than rational and compassionate thought.

Why remove that part? I'm just being curious...

You also asked above what promises I have made that she is referring to...

She is referring to me making commitments to change specific behaviors. Initially, that was the anger and the angry outbursts. I'd commit to counseling, attend counseling, and, for a while, exhibit changed behaviors, ie, pleasant, happy place, no angry outbursts, present. But then I would stop going to counseling. My wife would tell me how different I was and how nice that was to be around and I would think, "I've got this licked and don't have to continue doing the counseling". But, over the next several months, the anger, angry outbursts, and irritability wouldn't return. And my wife would tell me how bad things were getting and I'd go back to counseling. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Her perspective is that me starting and stopping counseling and the repeated failures to permanently change my behaviors reflect that I was lying over and over to her. When she talks about these cycles, she says that I lied repeatedly when I'd say I'd go to counseling and change.

Then it was the withdrawing and isolation. When I'd feel angry or believed that I had done something wrong or disappointed my wife or felt that she was attacking or negatively judging me, I'd withdraw and isolate myself. This would look like coming home from work and not being present or, in her words, ignoring her and the kids, not interacting or talking very much. I'd feel so bad about myself that I would think there's no reason anyone would want me to be around or want to me to be there so I'd withdraw and isolate.

I started attacking this problem directly in early 2019.

Regarding changes, I don't do angry outbursts. I'm not verbally berating myself or hitting myself, I'm not screaming and carrying on when I make a mistake doing something like car repair.

On the other hand, I sometimes employ have bad parenting strategies that my wife doesn't like, such as raising my voice to the kids, using consequences to induce behavior change, and not taking a break when getting irritated by the kids behavior.

I'm also not withdrawing and isolating any more. My wife and kids have acknowledged this.

All in all, it appears I have changed very little. Hence, why would she want to stay with me.

I do get extremely defensive. Self esteem issues, depression, guilt, remorse... When my wife describes just how bad a person I can feel myself physically reacting. I am absolutely devastated that my behaviors have had such negative impacts on my wife and kids. It's physically crushing just thinking about it let alone having my wife describe it over and over.

Even as I tap this out I realize that I am not worthy of her love. I am crying as I tap this out because I realize that I have let my wife and family down and, as she says, didn't hold up my end of the marriage deal and didn't care for my marriage.

And now I'm pissed off at myself and do realize that I am not a good husband and it doesn't appear that I really want to be. I have not kept my promises, I have not committed to the needed changes, it doesn't appear that I have the will or capacity to do what is necessary to change, I'm just a miserable person that was likely doomed to failure at marriage from the start. This may look to you like a pity party, but this is how my brain works and it sucks.

No one likes getting complaints. But the solution to getting complaints is to stop doing the behavior that led to the complaint. Stop doing the things that make her unhappy and the complaints will greatly lessen. You have to change your thinking about complaints. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. What is extremely important is that you do change and STAY changed. A person doesn't need to run off to counseling to change bad behavior. They make a decision to change their behavior and make it a habit.

A complaint is like getting a NSF notice from your bank. It is no fun to get them, but the alternative is worse. So you have to learn to OVERRIDE YOUR FEELINGS and use your logic when you get a complaint. Mr Logic can soothe Mr Emotional when you get a complaint and tell yourself a "complaint is an opportunity for improvement" so you don't shift into anger and defensiveness. You can teach yourself to control your emotions.

You need to override your irrational feelings with your LOGIC. There is no time like the present to change bad habits.


Is this true? Do you not have the will? You have the capacity but do you have the will?

Self pity is an excuse to not change. You need to CHANGE that approach.

I know I can and have been.

The complaints I am reacting to now are her complaints about the marriage over the past 16 years as opposed to complaints about current interactions or behaviors. Her current complaints are about me not wanting to do mediation, forcing an ugly divorce, and being in denial about a divorce.