I would love to talk to my wife about this stuff. She's a smart woman who works in an elementary school behavior modification classroom. She has college training in childhood education.

Her solution when I am engaged with my youngest is to come in to the room and start challenging me by asking questions that imply that I am one who is at fault for what is happening. That's how I interpret her intervention as it is usually her intervening by asking a question about why I am doing something. I have always reacted this way to her attempts to intervene.

Afterwards, when I talk to her about what happened, I typically say that in that moment, coming into the same room to intervene by asking me why I am doing something implies that I am doing something wrong and gives the child the impression that the problem is with me by focusing on me.

It's at this point that she then retorts that I always have a problem with how she says things. And I tell her, of course it always about how we say things because if how we communicate with each other communicates anger, offense, etc then we get bogged down on how we felt about being talked to that way and that she reacts the same way when I communicate harshly with her.

Very few times I have ever just stopped and walked away when she's tried to intervene and that only happens when she just shows up and doesn't say anything. But as soon as she starts asking me questions about what I am doing...I dig in because now I feel that she is attacking me.

When I see her stuck with one of the boys I typically intervene by suggesting that she take a break and that I'll take over (other times I barge in because I'm sick of how one or both are treating her so disrespectfully.

Only recently, last year or so, has my wife stepped in on my side to remind the boys that I have asked something of them or have given them their choices or to be mindful of my request. More often than not, I'll give an instruction to or make a request of the boys only to have interject by asking me why I am asking for such a thing or to tell me that something else is going on which then suggests that my request is unreasonable.

I found myself often telling my wife that my requests of the kids or questions of her are not unreasonable.

Now maybe a I am just an oversensitive pansy...

It's obvious she has been undermining you for a very long time which is why he acts like this. I am surprised she doesn't know better. All she has done is taught your son that he doesn't have to respect authority. Why should he respect your authority when she obviously doesn't respect you as a father?

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do right now about this. If this makes it to recovery, we would help you and your wife learn to come up with a discipline plan that made you both happy. And we certainly would teach her to stop undermining you.

As a mother of boys, it was always very important to me that my sons respected the authority of their father. [and me] If kids don't respect authority in the home, they sure won't respect authority outside of the home. If they don't respect authorities they end up in jail.

I understand. Keep in mind that this is all from my perspective and reflects how I felt and how I interpreted what she would ask or say to me.

I'm a disciplinarian because I fear for my boys coming to the attn of the police. So I am hard when I think it's warranted. But me being hard is most often expressed by raising my voice, harsh language (sometimes with profanity), and communicating my disappointment with their choices. I back that up by asking each boy what could have been done differently and giving them suggestions.

Hopefully this gets to a place where you can work together to come up with a discipline style that makes you both happy. But it is extremely important that neither of you undermine the other in front of your kids. Divorce will be very hard on them and they will misbehave and play you against each other. Hope it doesn't come to that.

Text from my wife to one of her friends earlier tonight: "I'm doing ok...just a sitting duck...trying ti gather money to get this divorce going"

Bu, given our current circumstance, how do I even begin talking about it?

Your plan has not changed. You are still in Plan A while her affair [hopefully] dies. You need to do an exceptional Plan A. You inflicted a huge blow to her affair last week. I know it doesn't feel that way now because she is furious. But the fact that she is so furious tells me you have greatly damaged the affair. She hasn't accepted yet that its over, but she will eventually. When she withdraws, you need to stay focused on attracting her back with a super Plan A.

I would second this. Your children are taking advantage of the division between you. Working as a team would solve the problem instantly, the effect will be nothing short of miraculous.

I would suggest that you find a moment to ask your wife for advice. This can be a very brief exchange while the two of you clean up together after dinner. Problems need to be solved at a neutral moment not in the heat of conflict. Ask her what to do. Thank her for her advice and follow it. I promise you that the first time the words "your mother and I" come out of your mouth, your son's behaviour will change. At the time time you will be depositing love units. What could be better than that?

Hi Dr. Detroit. I've been following your thread and I'm sorry for your situation.

I agree with living well and Melody on your discipline situation.

First, your wife is alienating your children by undermining you to them. The end result of this continuing will be children who feel they are your victim and don't want a relationship with you.

Second, living well's suggestion of collaborating with your wife on the discipline in a calm moment is a great one. But discipline is not yelling and cursing at your children. It is calmly instituting boundaries that will incent them to change their behaviors.

Yelling is one of the worst tactic to use; it makes you feel like you did something but the kids feel like you did nothing so they can continue on their behaviors.

If my child were to behave the way you described from your 10 year old, he would lose privileges.

Ahead of time, I would get agreement with your wife on the consequences so if he sasses through one consequence "your mother and I" can keep adding another until he realizes he better stop. I would brainstorm with her on a written list so there is no misunderstanding on what you agreed to (don't position it that way, just naturally approach her with a tablet and make the list as you two discuss it).

What I've found to be helpful is calmly requiring his phone which he could receive back after a week of respectful behavior. If he doesn't have a phone, take his game box or his TV. Next, take his cool shoes. Take something he views as important to his social status at school. If he keeps going, take his hangouts with friends, after school activities etc etc. I left the hangouts and activities until last because I wanted them to have something to do with their time. Instead of taking away their activities, if it gets to that, another option is to add things to their time, such as having him help you rake an elderly person's yard, or having him help you with some equivalent of a community service task. If he has time to sass and disrespect, you can take care of that.... lol.

Also, in my household the kids who were too young to get jobs had to earn their phone line charge with a list of chores they were responsible for. No completed chores, no phone for the next week. So that solves an ongoing problem of getting him to do chores. (BTW, if your 10 year old has a phone make sure you have spyware on it. Teensafe is great.)

Be careful to not make the loss of privileges so onerous that he has no hope to get them back. For a 10 year old I would hesitate to take the items for more than a week initially. If he continues sassing so you need to go 2 weeks, then 3 weeks or even a month, I would wait a day or two until he has calmed down and would give him a list of SUBSTANTIVE tasks he can do in order to earn back a week of his privilege loss at a time, although don't let him earn back the initial week. You want him to have at least a week of discomfort to help him remember not to do this again.

Examples of substantive tasks for a 10 year old are raking the lawn, helping you change the oil in your car, baking a triple batch of muffins for the homeless shelter or a MacDonald house or a USO in the airport (let he can come along with you to deliver them), etc. A construction project - like putting together your new bar stools that came in a box 2 inches tall..lol. Two to four hours per task. Give him tasks that will help him learn how to do adult things. If the two of you can do a tasks together, then better yet - just make sure you are the advisor and he is the doer. Tasks that he will feel proud of his accomplishments are great.

There is no need for you to raise your voice at all through this process. You hold the key to his privileges so no need for you to get emotional. His comments are water off a duck's back to you because you don't care how many privileges he loses. When he sees you don't care about his privileges and he can't manipulate you with sass, he'll start caring. Right now he thinks you care more about his comfort than he does because you let him get away with everything. You'll need to reverse his understanding.

Also, to repeat: NEVER give him back his stuff without him earning it back, whether it's a sass free week or substantive tasks. Do not give wimpy easy tasks; give tasks big enough they will serve as a deterrent. The last thing you want is for him to perceive your new form of discipline to be the same paper tiger as your yelling.

When your wife sees your ineffective anger breakdown at the kids, all she is seeing that you do still have an anger problem. Being angry at the kids is just really foolish because YOU own the upper hand. There is no need to get angry at them.

That's a great post, Sunnytimes. I think the bottom line, as you mentioned, is that he needs to find agreement with his wife on discipline and they need to present a united front. It is horrible parenting to put down the other parent in front of the child.

And you do discipline much differently than I did. My son knew we would whip his a** if he ever talked back to us. The only time I remember him EVER DARING to talk back was when he was 13 and talked back to his dad. His dad slammed him into the couch, got right in his face and guess what? He never talked back again! When he talked back to his home room teacher around the same time, we showed up at the school the next day to apologize to the teacher. We made our son apologize for behaving like a THUG at school and he was grounded until we got 30 days of consistent reporting from this teacher that he was behaving like a gentleman at school. Today my son is a wonderful man of good character. He is married, father of a 9 month old son, and has a fantastic career with a Fortune 500 company.

Excellent post and greatly appreciated.

I need to digest now...

That would be my approach absent my wife. With my 10 year I have picked him up and placed him on the couch or his bed. One time I did put a firm hand on his chest to lay him down on his bed to tell him how things are. But the issue is she doesn't like that style of parenting. For her tastes, my approach is harsh, packs sympathy, and is motivated by anger. And on that last part she may be right. Raising my voice while picking up my ten year to carry him upstairs and while trying to talk to him is not very productive. So I get her point there. On the other hand, her approach seems to be to let him tantrum himself out, stop arguing, stop trying to reason...until he's calmed down. And I think that's a good approach, too.

When she intervenes between me and one of our boys it's typically after a prolonged argument with me getting louder and louder and the consequences getting bigger and badder.

Drafting a text to me wife, thoughts?

I'd like to spend some time with just you and I to talk about how to handle the boys' behavior. Specifically, I'd like to talk about and come to an agreement on setting boundaries, privileges and consequences, and, more importantly to me, how to approach the behavior in the moment.

You both have good things about your approaches that could be combined for a united front. Boys do need a firm hand, but they also need a soft hand sometimes. The key is to teach them to respect authority. If they don't learn that at home, they will learn it somewhere else, usually JAIL. But your approaches need to be united and coordinated. Your boys need that desperately. You have pre-teens and they will go a little insane around age 13, so you need to get it together now.

Your wife is going to be in for a HUGE surprise if you ever do separate. You are the only thing standing between your boys and total anarchy. They will run over her. I always thought I was the real authority in the house until my husband left when they were 16 and 17. When that happened, the wheels came off the cart! Boys desperately need fathers to teach them how to manage their aggression. I never really understood this. I read a book called The Wonder of Boys that reviews what happens to boys who are raised without fathers in the home.

I added some words.

I agree, though I am not being a good teacher and mentor on how to manage aggression or anger because I continue to model anger to them.

I'll check out that book you referred to.

Absolutely! But 90% of solving a problem is admitting you have one.

I have been learning so much about parenting these last few years listening to MB radio almost daily. Is the app working for you yet? My approach is more like your wife to address it together bringing our best wisdom after we relaxed first. Thoughtful requests, let’s try this for 2 weeks and then come back and reassess. I’m lucky this works for my kids too. You will find what works for your kids too. I’m so happy you found all this now!

Just like with your anger, priority one is to relax. At 10 we are not talking about immediate things like running into the street. Amazingly to me they even stopped fighting with each other.

I downloaded the app but couldn't get any content. In other words, after downloading the MB app, I saw the places to search for older programs, but no place for the current. And even when I would search for programs I'd get no results. So I've uninstalled.

We're talking about the MB app in the Play Store, right?