No conversation last night about my direct deposit. From the moment I walked in she was distant and I'd say irritable. Caught a couple of dirty looks from her. At one point she was telling one of our boys that she had had a frustrating day and when I asked her what was frustrating about it she shook her head and said I'm not the person she talks to a out those things.

Tried to make light conversation asking about her day, her upcoming group interview for her master's program admissions process, talked about her cousin coming into town next week, and plans for a hike on Monday since we all have the day off and my cousin is in town. Got us all playing a game together.

Was talking to my youngest son about football and he told he disliked the Redskins because of their team name. I asked him to tell me more and he was confused why he disliked them so I asked a few questions until my wife pipes up from the kitchen asking me, "is it ok if he thinks something different than you do"? The volume, tone, and inflection led me to just ignore it.

I saw that she has seen a local news article on the email issue I posted about earlier.

Man, if that is what explains the OM getting a text from her two nights ago, then that means she wrote it back on Valentine's Day which means they didn't just fall in love in May or April. It also means that she was "in love" with the OM when we started marriage counseling.

You know you cannot believe anything from a wayward's mouth?

So changing my direct deposit approach kind of backfired. My wife went to pay our joint credit card online and we didn't have the $ in the joint checking acct to cover it. Fortunately, was able to reverse the overdraft fee.

So tonight I'll initiate the discussion of rearranging our finances.

I'll let her know I've changed my direct deposit; we'll figure out how to split household costs; then determine how much $ I put back into our joint checking acct.

I know, I know....

Another night, another 10-year old screaming and crying and zero help or support from my wife.

I'm downstairs and hear my 10 year old crying and screaming. I head upstairs and he meets me at the steps. I ask him what's going. He tells me that his 12-year old brother isn't letting him play with something and he tried to grab the item from his older brother. I calmly let my youngest know that grabbing isn't appropriate and quietly try talking to him about what happened. I get his side of the story and ask his brother for his. Meanwhile, my wife is sitting at the dining room table doing a puzzle. So as older brother is telling his side, younger brother starts screaming at him and then goes upstairs. I talk to his brother, ask him why he wasn't sharing and he starts talking to me and younger brother comes down screaming and calling names. Quietly and calmly tell youngest that screaming and name calling isn't nice or respectful. Now he's screaming at me and I tell him that he's screaming at me and while he continues I get quieter and ask him why he's screaming at me. Now he starts calling me mean and stupid. 20 minutes later he's lost 5 weeks of screen time. 5 minutes after than I hear in his room cursing while talking to his mom.

Now in between there when youngest is upstairs and oldest in his room, I try to calmly engage my wife with sunny's words above. But youngest comes back down to start screaming and being disrespectful, again. Again he goes upstairs, and, again, I ask for my wife's help and support. She says that she's tried before and tried last week. Problem is that last week when she tried to "help" her approach was to, while I was calmly and quietly talking to my youngest, ask me questions about why I was doing what I was doing. That's not helping. That's opening the door for the youngest to now turn on me and question why I am disciplining him.

I now say, "Youngest will not be able to earn back this screen time given the length of time he's been screaming at me and being disrespectful. I look to his mom and ask what do you think and she puts her hands up..."I'm not getting between you and your son's relationship". I tell her I am not asking her to, I am asking her advice on whether he should be able to earn it back. She replies by telling me, "you make the rules and the consequences". I say that I wasn't trying to tell her, but that I was opening a conversation and acknowledged that what I said did sound like I was telling rather than asking for advice and apologized that it came out that way. She simply sat there. The youngest picks up her tone and direction and is now telling me that I always boss people around and tell them what do and that they all have to listen to me that I make the rules. I simply said, you also have to listen to your mother, right? I got real quiet and explained to him that I was addressing his disrespectful behavior and how he was treating all of his with his screaming and name calling. Now we get the drama about how I am a jerk, I'm annoying, etc. Thanks, mom.

Now my oldest (who is the sweetest, reflective, caring 12 year old there is) is all upset. I ask him what the big deal was with his brother using something that he wasn't already using and his mom jumps in to say that she didn't think our oldest was being unreasonable. Without thinking, I said now you're going to get between me and my son's relationship?

Part of me blames this on his mother. I wanted to get the boys ready and off to bed at the usual time because keeping our youngest up late typically results in him loosing his s@#t. And what I suggested after dinner that we'd be starting bed time on time, the youngest is already raising his voice and mom says, yeah, it is the weekend and we generally let them stay up late. I bit my tongue. Yes, we have let them stay up late before and...surprise, the youngest gets over-tired and his behavior tanks.

Yet another wasted night.

Worked up the courage to get into my wife's work laptop. Pokes around until I found her "journal" which is really nothing more than routinely writing as though she is writing letters to the OM. Looks like she started right after he requested no contact in late September.

A lot of writing around what she and I would be talking about if we were in a good marriage about her daily life, exercise, work, family.

A lot of her missing him, that she loves him, and remembering their runs together.

She also noted in there that she's glad he's not giving up his marriage for her and that she is not divorcing me because of him.

The whole journal is like daily letters to the OM. Writing as though he's in front of her talking to her.

She acknowledges in her writing that have her by the balls knowing that she cannot afford an attorney to divorce me.

She also writes about my worsening relationship with my 10 year old. She sees it happening. I see it happening. I am changing how I interact with him, but she's of no help at all.

I just took away 5 weeks of screen time from my youngest boy because of his disrespectful behavior...the I don't care, I'm mean, his brother is stupid, etc comments he kept making even after I asked him nicely and politely to go to his room and clearly explained what the consequences would be.

Dear Dr. Detroit,

raising children is never easy and of course they pick up on the tensions in the home. On the other hand, at 11, children approach puberty and become aliens.
There is reason you may want to reconsider taking away the computer for 5 weeks.
1. It takes away a possibility for leverage and reward for the next 5 weeks - children cannot think in these dimensions very well
2. your wife ist not in enthousiastic agreement.

A fantastic approach was posted on your thread, worthy of becoming a "notable post" on this forum. I printed it out to hang on the kitchen wall.
You may want to think of 2 things:
- never argue with people who are aggravated (this includes children), wait until adrenaline has subsided
- make a spreadsheet with behaviour you want to reward and have a system of points where they can earn rewards (of screen time, going to the cinema)
- you can also include minus points, but not more than 3, rather say 10 points for "being civil to your parents throughout the day", etc.
Then discuss your ideas with your wife, or better, ask her if she thinks this might work and if the two of you can try it together.

My husband also took away tv time with our children for weeks at the time and it bothered me a great deal, because I was the one having to put up with the children and not having their favorite reward available.

Please google: The Highway Patrol Approach to Discipline and Correction, this is a behavioural approach that is very similar to what Dr. Harley says and is especially targeted at childrearing.

Dr. D that night with the kids sounds exhausting, I encourage you to write mb radio they’ll give you solutions that will take out the aggravation and make deposits for both of you. I am telling you his principles on parenting have brought me as at ease with my kids at 18 and 23 and as on the same page, as when they were young. And when we disagree I’m left with the same peace. I wish this deep lasting peace for you.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs for Parents? I know you need your wife to be involved for this to work, but Dr Harley gives some excellent advice on raising kids.

Also, I noticed your WW mentions that she loved running with OM. Is this something you have done with her?

DrD, another problem I see for you is that the OM lives and works nearby. The first step towards recovery is complete separation from the OP. This is always going to be a problem because your wife will be perpetually triggered by his presence. I am concerned that she can't ever withdraw with him so close. Just know this adds an extra layer of complication for you in that it will make it harder for her to ever withdraw and if it does get to that point, you are going to have to move. Living close to him will keep her in a perpetual state of withdrawal that will drive you crazy. it's like the recovering alcoholic who goes into the bar every day, eventually they drink again because of the constant trigger and the availability of alcohol.

One thing Dr Harley has recommended to couples in these situations is that the betrayed spouse actually moves to another town when it comes time for Plan B. That way, if the marriage gets to recovery, the WS can join him in the new town. That way recovery is possible.

We have and we did, but she ended that when I found about the affair. I presume now that she'd consider it cheating on the OM if we ran together.

Thought Id make a home improvement project go well...wrong.

Got off to a good start talking through some project details and started to work. She then asked how to deal with a hole in the ceiling and suggested something to try and she went to it. She muffed it up and I suggested not to worry about it that we can fix it. As she was working I suggested a different tool and brought it in and stood there watching her make progress and she asks, "can I help you with something?" I reply I'm just watching and turn and walk away. After a few moments I tell her she doesn't have to help that I can get going on this project. I know, not a good move...

This then led to a, well, not an argument or even a fight, but a conversation. And I didn't handle it well.

She told me that it felt uncomfortable for me to be standing there. I asked her why and explained that I watching because we hadn't something like this before and I was interested in what was there, how it went, and that we'd have a similar repair to do elsewhere, so I was interested in how she was doing it and how it was going. She said it was uncomfortable because she thought I was trying to create a connection. I just reiterated my interest in the repair. She then started in on the we don't have a connection and won't have a connection, we're just two people in the house. I suggested that she doesn't have to be here if she's that uncomfortable around me and maybe she should take up her friends offers for a place to sleep if she needs to.

She then went on to say that while we're on the subject of being uncomfortable, would I stop texting her, i.e., stop texting her that I hope her day was going well or asking her about her day, etc. Without thinking, I shot back, well, I guess it does get in the way you texting the OM. !Cringe! It just came out.

I just need to learn not to get so defensive, not take it personally, but it's so hard. It feels like I am wired up always ready to fight or defend myself.

I used to brace myself against unpleasant events or remarks, I thought of myself as a rock. Then a colleague of mine said "I'm like jelly, I let it go right through me".

I wasted a lot of energy, being the rock.

How on earth are you going to repair your marriage by acting like an unsensitive [...].
She is telling you something you do bothers her and you tell her to get another place to stay already. I thought you were in plan A.
Some way to woo a woman Sherlock.

Could you please go back and read your own post and then come back with a few corrections for your way of reacting. You are an adult and not a kindergardener. You have to be the sane person in the house that saves your family. You are the one who can make or break it Sir.
Your children are counting on you to keep their family together and that should be more important to you than telling your wife to leave if she feels uncomfortable with you looking at her obviously judging her, because she has no reason to believe otherwise Mr Alwaysright.

How is she supposed to believe that this can become a wonderful marriage again, when you indicate through your actions that
1. Her opinion and feelings are irrelevant to you.
2. You will always use her affair as leverage in the future whenever you have a discussion, to gain your ground.

Get a grip. Is this how you would treat a woman you are trying to get to date you? Some Casanova you are.
We have seen you show valuable insight here and you are obviously intelligent, but why are you not thinking with your frontal cortex before you interact with the world?

The future of your family depends on you. Excuses and pity parties are not going to help you here. If you want to have your children visit you for Christmas only every other year, then go tell your wife to get lost. If not, start behaving like the courteous gentleman you could be. Impulsiveness is no excuse. If a man with a machine gun was aggravating you, you would be able to be courteous, wouldn‘t you?

It is not hard. So go do it.

What are you doing for anger management? Have you read Anger Management 101?

And listen to the radio show this weekend. It also pertains to angry outbursts.

It's because you are still not on top on your anger. An angry man is a fool. You HAVE to get on top of this! You can't afford to make mistakes like this.

To be honest, you absolutely have the right to divorce her over the affair, but then you should do it and get it over with.
Punishing her, by telling her to leave the house is she does not like your behaviour or presence, while at the same time you know from her diary that she has no options, is bullying.

Ouch..