Shortly after I installed the spyware she set up her lock screen with a pin, so I don't have access to her phone.

There are times when she uses the phone and then sets it down without turning the phone off and I can get a peek, but insufficient time to reinstall.

None of the spyware apps I looked at were completely invisible on the phone. While all of them had the capability to hide their app icon in the app drawer on Android, they all shoe up in the apps list that you access through settings albeit with innocuous names.

OMW does not work.

Nothing stopping my wife from taking time off and him coming to my house while I'm at work.

Haven't detected this happening, yet.

I even had the company that I bought the spyware from provide another version to me that would show up as an Android system app (one of those android.com.whatever) names but she got the pin lock on there before I could install it.

Maybe tonight when she is reading to one of the boys I can reinstall that version. I just have to be patient and wait for the opportunity when she leaves her phone unlocked and I can get 10 minutes with it.

What are your methods of detection?

Until yesterday, it was tracking via gps and monitoring texts and email.

Received an email from my wife this morning:

"Yesterday, Tuesday November 12, you informed me that you opened a checking and savings account and changed your direct deposit tho that account. I have been managing the household finances for our entire marriage but it appears that you no longer want me to manage the finances as I have been. I do think it is time to start separating finances. However, with the disparity between our incomes I am wondering what you are proposing for how household finances are managed. Also, I do not have access to the PenFed account which is where my paycheck is direct deposited.

The savings account from PenFed is mostly the boys inheritance and savings. As I no longer have access to that account, I am gravely concerned that you have moved their money with out mutual consent. I am at work at the moment and do not have access to the exact amount that they boys have in savings but will send you the exact amount when I get home.

What are you proposing for how household finances are managed?"

My draft reply:
I have opened my own accounts and changed my direct deposit. I wanted to have a more formal conversation last night (as I suggested on Monday) to discuss how we would manage finances while separating accounts. We need to have that conversation.

My employer effected my direct deposit change a pay period too soon and that led to an overdraft on our account that I have resolved with PenFed. While I did attempt to transfer money from our joint savings to my savings account, the transfer ultimately did not occur and also led to an overdraft fee that I also resolved with PenFed. No money has been withdrawn from our savings account. I am concerned that you will use the boys money to pay for legal fees that you are incurring; however, I haven’t withdrawn any savings to deposit my new account.

Regarding household finances, we need to discuss how to split these up. I have asked for time to both to discuss Sam’s behavior (to which you declined), but also to talk about money (as I noted above, I suggested on Monday that we spend time last night to discuss). I have no problem with how you have managed our finances and my opening my own account (which you suggested weeks ago that I do) shouldn’t be a suggestion that I have an issue or problem with you managing our money. You do a great job with that and I have greatly appreciated what you have been doing. I have trusted you to manage our finances and you’ve been really great at managing our budget and savings.

My youngest was rude and disrespectful, again, last night. Wife was reading to him and when it came time to put the book away for a song or two, my youngest demanded that she, "read, read, read." He came downstairs to get me to sing to him and when I asked why isn't mommy, he replied that she wouldn't sing to him and when I asked why he just said she wouldn't. When we both went upstairs, she was crying and I asked her about what our youngest said and thats when she told me that he demanded that she "read, read, read". So, I looked at him and reminded him what being disrespectful does to others, it makes them feel sad and uncared for. I explained I didn't appreciate him lying to me about his mom not wanting to sing. So I took him to his room and we chatted for a few minutes about his demanding behavior. When I got him under covers, I asked what stuffy he'd like and he just pointed. When I asked him to tell me which one (him not using his words and just pointing, shrugging, etc., is a source of frustration for me), he, again, just pointed. I told him that by refusing to talk to me was a sing of disrespect and with that I got up and left the room without singing him a song. He started crying (which is fake, he's just screaming) and I returned to his room to tell him please don't scream and keep his older brother awake and left the room. I later saw that he joined his mom on the couch.

This morning I texted my wife, "Also, want to let you know that Sam crying/screaming last night was because I wouldn't sing to him after he was rude to me. I didn't lose my temper with him, no threats, etc"

Her reply, "He is just a kid that needs more time for transitions."

I haven't asked her to clarify. I don't know whether to interpret "transitions" as her and I going through period in our marriage and possibly divorce or she's meaning transition as in the time between getting ready for bed, reading, and lights out or something else.

I'm wondering why my wife is putting the day and date in her emails to me...

Someone told her to document everything.

Right, so now I need to be cautious with what I reply to and how. -sigh-

Exactly!

Hey, Melody...do you have time to look at and offer some advice on that email from my wife above re: financial stuff?

I would say AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE in writing - see what I wrote above. I added "as you suggested." When you write anything, just envision a judge and a hostile attorney reading it out loud so be real careful and VAGUE. Say what you need to say in person and then take copious notes. You can then follow up with an email to her recapping your discussions.

Thanks. I appreciate the help.

Finally getting in to see my IC this evening. Gonna cover issues related to my youngest boy and how to communicate with my wife in way that demonstrates care.

Oh, and anger control.

That's great! Ask him about relaxation techniques. That is the most effective way.

Damn, my oldest son knows my wife's 4-digit pin to her phone and almost got a peek at it. So tempted to ask him about it, but that doesn't seem right.

Email from my wife tonight:
"I do not recall asking you to change your direct deposit but rather to discuss with me how we should go about seperating our finances. I was very surprised you changed your direct deposit since all our payments go through penfed, including the mortgage and your car. My income alone will not cover the household expenses and without funds in the penfed account, bills will be unpaid. Creating more expenses for missed and or late payment fees.

I am available on Saturday to discuss. As you were here on Tuesady night, the evening was late due to the open house. There wasn't time left in the evening for a discussion. It would have been helpful to have this discussion about seperating finanaces before you changed your direct deposit, as I had wanted to do weeks ago. Now it feels as if there will be a mismanagement of funds because there was not a plan in place before you made big changes.

Does Saturday work for you? If so, what time?"

It was 2 weeks ago that she told me she thought it best if I get off the phone bill and we separate finances. I think I should tell her that my employer effected the direct deposit change too quickly.

And if she realy is documenting everything, then you should also speak as though everything you say is being recorded per smartphone. This may help you with anger management.

Also, I noticed, that your son was essentially rewarded by you and your wife, because after he insulted your wife and made her cry, you sat with him (attention). After he did not do what you wished and you withheld the song, he was rewarded by cuddling on the couch with his mother.

A child that still needs stuffed toys, is probably not old enough to understand the concept of „respect“ - do we?

What most parents do is not „transitioning“, but „attentioning“.
100 minutes of transitioning will not do more good than a 20‘ bed ritual.
It is nice having your parents there. Of course you try to drag that out as a chiid.

You may want to try something like:
If mommy has finished reading the bedtime story, you give her a big hug and a big kiss and say good night. If you do that I am going to give you a token (or sing you a song, or something he appreciates). And if you have 5 tokens, we are going to <insert cool activity here>.

I am not a good disciplinarion myself, having made all of those mistakes myself to my detriment...

And if he throws a tantrum, just close his door, if your wife is ok with that, but cuddling may not be a good idea. Just brainstorm with your wife for a better solution, but do it while you are energetic, not after 21:00. Dr Harley wrote an article on coming to agreements you are both enthousiastic about.