Can you get your wife to spend time with you doing nice thing? Maybe under the pretext of doing something nice with the children? Remember, you have somethong OM doesn‘t. He is not the father to her children. Apart from the fact he is a bum.
You can make great love bank deposits by being a good father and doing fun activities with her and the children.

Thanks, Happy. I want to reply to your posts and will do so little later this evening. You make some great points and offer good advice and I have some questions.

Part of my job is conflict resolution. Best conversations are after a meal. Be careful when everybody is hungry or wants to go home before traffic gets impossible (Friday afternoon), that is the worst moment.

If you get the other party off-balance in a harmless way, things will not go as expected (for the other party) and their defenses will not be as effective as planned.

If your wife (to her horror) likes you in the moment, it will be in your advantage. You probably know how to make her laugh. If one has a good time, it is very hard to be unpleasant and uncooperative.

The goal should be to agree on something in a way that benefits you all. Show her how good it can be in the future if you find a solution you both like.

Glad if you liked some of the ideas, but remember, the best idea is of no use if it is not also a plan your wife is enthousiastic about. And even bad ideas can work in parenting, when you stick to them and don‘t let the children play you against each other.

As shared before in this thread...my wife applied for admission to a master's program for counseling. She was invited to the second round of the process where she was to, in a group setting, discuss a movie, Hidden Figures. Attendees were also asked to bring a personal object to discuss the object and it's meaning to them, and then some scenario-based role-playing exercises. The object that she took with her was a pair of platform high heels that she bought long ago because she knew I would seeing her in them. From what I saw of some of her writing as she prepared for the interview where she would discuss the object she brought, she wrote that she had bought the heels not for herself, but for me in an attempt to heal me but later realized I could not be healed and in doing so had damaged herself. There's more and I am merely paraphrasing based on a quick look I got.

Nonetheless, she received notification today that she was not accepted into the program. Her cousin is in town staying with us this weekend and my wife announced this rejection this morning in a very light-hearted way (i.e., kind of joking about it noting that maybe it was a sign that she shouldn't go into $40k debt and blamed her ADD, which has become a sort of joke she makes). I'm not really sure how to talk to her about it. Part of me, honestly, is glad she was not accepted; but a larger part of me is unhappy for her, too.

Gonna suggest to my wife tonight that we take the boys to an indoor mountain bike place here in town. The hesitancy I have is that she bought her mountain bike earlier this summer and I'm pretty sure now that she did because the OM was into that years ago and was trying it out, again. I don't want to suggest activities where she had a connection with the OM.

I will never understand...

I tell my wife that I am going to do something and the first thing she says is to ask why didn't I... or why did you... My auto feeling is once again I didn't something right. Why can't she ask instead, we talked about doing x, do we still want to get y? Instead, it's always a why question. And I compound that by taking that as a critical question rather than a good faith question to initiate continued conversation.

Also, when I talk about this stuff, she offers to help. And then when it comes time and I ask for input she says, I don't know, I don't care.

So tiresome.

It needs getting used to, negotiating.

The Mountainbiking seems like a good idea. Just ask her if she would be ok for the boys to go and if she would like to come along.
It will make subconcious plus points in her love bank. She cannot help that

If you throw pebbles into a pond, apart from a short ripple nothing will change. But if you keep throwing under the surface, invisable for the naked eye, a smal heap will grow. Eventually, this heap will break through the surface.

This is the reason, that people will feel like they „suddenly“ fall in love. They have no notion, that those small niceties, will break through the romantic love threshhold. This process is not voluntary. The reptile (old/emotional) part of the brain, will keep account who is treating ‚me’ well aka who is making love bank deposits.

Under the surface, the heap will grow with every nice gesture ( or a pit if you are making her sad:(((
If you have good habits, you can make deposits without even thinking about it.
80% of what we do on a day are habits. Every woman notices if you are making an effort. Consistently opening doors for her (before you get the groceries out of the car).

If someone were to give you $ 200.000, if you could win back your wife in 3 months time, could you? Because divorce is costly. 2 households etc.
Daily irritations will go away on their own if you fall in love again. Then, you will not feel uncertain of her motives anymore.

Having fun and making some deposits makes little by little for a better atmosphere at home.
You can get there, but you don‘t grow trees by pulling on the first little twig to make it grow faster.
Build the house of your new marriage with slow, but robust materials. A cardboard house is built fast, but will not last.

Had a pretty good day yesterday. Ran with my oldest boy and my wife got our act together to get to Home Depot for some remodel supplies. Evening time at bed was not so good.

My wife and I talked about some of the issues I'm having with out youngest and we talked about some approaches for me to try out. But she also started telling me about how she's depressed and was complaining about not having any projects, any goals, etc. She was rejected for a master's program in counseling, so I think that's weighing on her.

We also got our act together about banking finally telling each other that we had opened our separate accounts and changed direct deposit. We also started hashing out how to split up expenses with me putting forth that I'd carry 100% of the general household expenses like the mortgage, utilities, etc. But after we saw how much that was she commented that she didn't want to be seen as a freeloader. So we adjusted. I was surprised how easily it went for me while on the other hand she started crying while we were working out the numbers. All in all, good experience for me and not so for her (I have to guess partly because I make so much more than her).

Yesterday evening and again this morning she's openly talking out loud in front of the boys how depressed she is and unmotivated. I'm not sure that I like it, but Im keeping a positive attitude and demeanor.

Did you (have the chance to) comfort your wife?
Are you sure she was in enthousiastic agreement, as she was crying?
At what time did you do the budget?
A good time for difficult subjects is morning or afternoon.

A bad experience while you are present associates you with unhappiness = love bank withdrawal.

I wonder if she is in withdrawal now? Were you able to re-install spyware on her phone?

Happyheart is right, this is a time to be on your absolute best behavior. Be your most pleasant self at all times. No slips!

Last two nights have been really tough. Trying to check my anger and frustration with my youngest boys instant whining and refusal to do chores when asked has resulted in just pulling away from him. No angry outbursts, but not really engaging with him. The most frustrating part is that he has zero care or remorse after the fact. He will whine and complain about the simplest chores and then we have to threaten consequences before he'll budge and then he does the absolute minimum and when you suggest he finish the chore we're back to the whining and throwing a fit. After all is said and done there's a no remorse and just moves on to the next thing.

Monday night I asked the boys to play a game after dinner and it didn't happen because for 45 min after dinner we battled with the youngest just to put dishes in the dishwasher. After 20 minutes I had enough and took away screens the next day.y wife harumphs about this and I go on to finish the dishes and other after dinner stuff.

I'm so tired of my youngest boys total resistance to do things when asked. He constantly talks back, constantly whines about his brother not doing stuff, and is always making excuses about why didn't do something.

I mean to ask, what the hell do I do when my youngest is asked to do something and he outright refuses?

Immediate consequences?
Give him a little time to do the thing or not?
Give him time to do the thing and if not done then impose consequences?
Keep harping on him?
Remind him about his responsibility to the family and household and then ...?

I just want to cuff him upside the head sometimes to wake him up.

When I was 10 years old, I wasn't asked to do my chores. If my room was too messy, the tv was turned off when my favorite tv show was on.

I missed quite a lot of Happy Days episodes..

Would it help to write his chores on one side of a white board and the points to gain a reward on the other side?

In my first small job, I had to make truck drivers cut loose plastic seal in a certain way. It was a returning power struggle between a 20 y old girl and a 50+ truck driver.
The solution: I didn't ask them to cut the seal, I asked them if they would use their knife or did they need to borrow mine?

If you ask your son, ask in a way that not doing the chore is not an option. Or just tell him. His brain is not capable to debate reasonably about responsibility yet.

Have you thought about positive reinforcement?
Some ideas were posted on your thread.
Positive reinforcement works better and is less of a fight.
Also, you should think of doing chores together with the child.
Reward his brother for doing it, while ignoring the other child‘s lack of help.
And keep it short and sweet.

I am a bit worried though, if you are trying differnt approaches, or just blogging that childrearing sucks.

The definition of stupidity is:
Doing the same over and over again, while expecting different results...

Remember you are not alone. All of us wish the little monsters to the moon some of the time.

What types of things have you taken away from him, in addition to screen time? In your narratives it seems like that's the only card you are pulling. What was your list of escalating consequences?

What events does he look forward to?

What after school activities or hobbies is he involved in?

What are the possessions he values?

If you were to ground him, what types of activities would he miss?

You do realize that he is enjoying the terror and control he's exercising over you? He is winning all of the skirmishes. His behavior will keep escalating because he's getting away with everything and controlling the household.

If he were my kid and I could not discipline him, I'd look into a military school for his 6th grade year, or at least the first semester of his 6th grade year.

Just got an email from my youngest Childs teacher... He was held out of recess due to a "huge cussing tirade". The student nearest him had no idea what it was about. The recess teacher also didn't know. His teacher is having him write out "his truth" so hopefully he'll be honest I'm his writing about what was happening that caused the cussing tirade.

Thanks. I like the white board idea and it flows with Happy's positive reinforcement.

I don't generally ask that he does his chores. I tell or remind him that he has dishes, laundry, garbage, etc.

I'm doing the same thing over and over because pulling screens is the only card I have or think I have.

My wife doesn't want to talk with me about progressive consequences or other alternatives.

Ive not been a positive reinforcement dad when it comes to doing chores. Mistakes, attempts, failures, yeah, positive reinforcement all day.

I like Goody's idea above and will draft something up later tonight to share with my and attempt to get her agreement.

And, yeah, childrearing can suck, but these are just complaints to complain. My oldest boy is a genuinely a great kid who is instinctually responsible and caring. A quick reminder and he's on it. The youngest, though, been going downhill for several months now. I am really concerned about his behaviors. But these behaviors, until this afternoon, were confined to our house, as far as I know.