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I know the below will sound silly to a lot of people but I've been out of the dating pool for a very long time.

Sorry if this seems choppy and weird, I've never actually sought advice online before.

So, this lady (29 F) and I (42 M) both started working at our job (nurses) about 7 months ago and I'm trying to figure out if she has a crush on me. Before anyone says anything about coworkers dating, there are several couples at our job who met on the job, so our employer doesn't have a problem with it. I don't know if it matters but she's from India and I'm white as white can be. If it matters, she’s Sikh and I’m Catholic, although neither of us is particularly religious - we’ve talked about it a couple of times.

From the moment we started working, I'd notice her looking at me when she thought I wasn't looking and whenever she'd catch me seeing her, she smiles. She still does this, as soon as I walk in, I get a big smile, and sometimes she does this little coy smile and looks me up and down. Over the course of the past few months, we've become close, not super close but closer than we've gotten to other coworkers. We talk about a lot of stuff and she's always actively seeking me out whenever her assignment is slow. I haven't noticed her do this with any other coworkers. I don't always do the same as I'm trying to get to know other coworkers as well.

Other things she does include:

- Stands super close to me, as in our bodies touch, whenever we're standing next to each other. She does the same thing when we sit down.

- Lots and lots of banter back and forth and mild flirting - nothing too wild, but definitely some playful teasing back and forth.

- I forgot how it came up, but she's hinted that she doesn't think an age difference in a relationship is a big deal. I think was joking around with her and said "you're just a kid," and she said something like "you're over 40 but you don't act it, so we're even."

- Anytime I mention an opinion that's different to hers, she'll find a way to change hers slightly to be in line with mine - this doesn't matter to me at all, I just find it kind of odd.

- This happened a couple of weeks ago. We were both working together on a very sick patient. After we were done, she asked me to give her a massage. I felt a little awkward because it caught me off guard.

There's more I could elaborate on, but I had a long shift so I feel like this post is becoming disjointed. If anyone needs anything clarified, please ask.

My ex and I divorced about a year ago and I haven't dated in years. I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or whether or not there's something there.

Thanks in advance

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Hi DieCastRN, welcome to Marriage Builders. Why don't you ask her out? I would suggest you check her out and make sure she is not married, though.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Hi DieCastRN, welcome to Marriage Builders. Why don't you ask her out? I would suggest you check her out and make sure she is not married, though.


She’s single - we’ve talked about relationship status already.

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Originally Posted by DieCastRN
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Hi DieCastRN, welcome to Marriage Builders. Why don't you ask her out? I would suggest you check her out and make sure she is not married, though.


She’s single - we’ve talked about relationship status already.

Why don’t you ask her out?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So for context, I wrote this post on a Wednesday. That Friday night, we both worked and ended up having our lunch together. We were sitting on the couch talking and laughing and I just looked at her and asked if she wanted to get breakfast after work. My heart sank because she was quite for what seemed like a very long time (in reality it was probably only like 10 seconds) then turned really red and said “only if it’s a date and not a friends thing because I really really like you a lot.” I said that it was definitely a date.
Breakfast was really awesome. I found out that we have so much more in common than I originally thought. Like I said she’s really smart but what’s most important to me is that she has a great sense of humor. We talked a bit about dating, mostly because she’s Indian and I wanted to see how she feels about dating a non-Indian. She said that she doesn’t care about ethnic background and neither did her folks. Even though she was born there and lived there until she was 12, they only care that a guy treats her right.
After breakfast she asked if I was set on going home or if I wanted to go for a walk. We ended up going for a pretty long walk around town. When I walked her back to her car I told her I owed her a proper date and she said she was free the next night (Saturday). So we went out to dinner Saturday night.
We went to dinner at a French restaurant along the waterfront in our town and it was more of the same on Saturday night. We enjoyed each other’s company and the conversation flowed naturally and wasn’t forced, lots of talking, laughing and flirting. After dinner we walked along the waterfront holding hands. When it was time to go home, I gave her a big hug and she intercepted me and gave me a big ole kiss.
Tuesday night we both worked and acted normally. It was really busy so we didn’t really see much of each other or talk much. At the end of the shift, we walked out together and I guess some of our coworkers saw us hug and kiss before going home. Thursday night at work, the cat was basically out of the bag. One of the coworkers we’re both really good friends with came up and gave me some [censored] asking me why I waited so long to ask her out. Like I said, our company couldn’t care less if employees date and our manager was basically like “finally you asked her out. Everyone saw how much she likes you.”
We’ve talked about our thoughts on dating. I wouldn’t say that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend but neither of us dates more than one person at a time. We definitely plan on spending more time together and figuring out where, if anywhere, this is going to lead.
Three weeks in and we’re spending quite a bit of time together, some people have told us to slow down but neither of us are concerned about the time we’re spending together. We enjoy each other’s company and it feels really nice. She’s slept over a few times and it’s been really really nice to wake up next to her. We’ve received absolutely no push back a work. Like I said, everyone was pretty much waiting for me to figure out that she had feelings for me and either let her down gently or ask her out. I think I chose the correct option.

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I’m glad it’s worked out so well for you! One thing I’d be concerned about is that sleeping together too soon you may miss big red flags. I’ve noticed folks that remarry and are happy are the ones that wait. The folks who rush in like I did wind up divorced again.


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
One thing I’d be concerned about is that sleeping together too soon you may miss big red flags. I’ve noticed folks that remarry and are happy are the ones that wait. The folks who rush in like I did wind up divorced again.


I've known her for a year and we've been good friends. There are no red flags that I've noticed. The sex has been great so far and we are very connected in that aspect. Until we had sex the first time, I didn't realize how much sexual tension there was between us. Sorry you're of the opinion that having sex early leads to divorce, but that's just not how the world works anymore. We now realize that sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and the sooner it's done, the better.

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DieCast you are misunderstanding Dr Harley's advice. He observes that those people who rush into marriage without spending adequate amounts of time as freeloaders (6 months) before moving into the renter phase are likely to miss red flags. You need to have spent time with one another in all kinds of situations including those that are difficult and stressful to really know who you both are. You also need to be dating others so that you have points of comparison.

If you rush into a sexual relationship together you can no longer be freeloaders because the bonding is so intense. So part of taking it slowly and carefully is staying out of each other's beds to protect the freeloader period and prevent the clouded judgement.


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Originally Posted by living_well
DieCast you are misunderstanding Dr Harley's advice. He observes that those people who rush into marriage without spending adequate amounts of time as freeloaders (6 months) before moving into the renter phase are likely to miss red flags. You need to have spent time with one another in all kinds of situations including those that are difficult and stressful to really know who you both are. You also need to be dating others so that you have points of comparison.

If you rush into a sexual relationship together you can no longer be freeloaders because the bonding is so intense. So part of taking it slowly and carefully is staying out of each other's beds to protect the freeloader period and prevent the clouded judgement.


Meh, it works for us. Best sex I've ever had and so far the best relationship I've ever had.

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Originally Posted by DieCastRN
[quote=NewEveryDay] Sorry you're of the opinion that having sex early leads to divorce, but that's just not how the world works anymore. We now realize that sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and the sooner it's done, the better.


Why even post here? To write a nice blog and then lecture the people who understand this program well about how the world actually works?

How people work has not changed. And if you think Dr. Harley or other traditionalists on the subject of premarital sex do not view sex as one of the most important aspects of a relationship, you also have never understood their point of view, only a caricature of it. One of the first questions Dr. Harley mentions he uses as a barometer for health in a marriage is how many times the couple is making love each week, with a higher number being a better answer.

We're not trying to talk you into a sexless marriage, we're saying we want what you want - a marriage that is passionate and with amazing sex. That's the measure of a successful marriage around here.

But rushing into sex during dating will only help handicap your ability to judge the more important relationship qualifiers in a partner that determine how easily you and your partner will meet each other's needs, and how willing she will be to make serious changes for the sake of the relationship (buyer). If you think sex right now is going to predict sex in 5 or 10 years with this woman, you are seeing sex in a very 1 dimensional way, and we're trying to help you see it in a two-dimensional way, there is some depth to it. You won't end up in a sexless marriage because your wife doesn't enjoy sex....you'll end up in a sexless marriage because your wife doesn't enjoy YOU anymore and may not see any problem with giving up on fixing the marriage and/or leaving you. She'll move on to a new guy and make like rabbits with him while you sit around and try to convince yourself she was actually an aspiring nun this whole time and any reasonable woman would throw themselves at your feet for sex.

You've known her for a year but you've only apparently been dating for a month. Not the same. The red flags have to do with how she handles a romantic relationship, not her public personality. Here's the criteria you need to look at: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882#Post2332882

Falling in love is easy, having great sex with a new person is easy (that's exactly what makes affairs so addictive)....but staying in love and having good sex with someone you've been together with for a long time is not nearly as simple. It takes some planning and vetting.

Many of us have been where you are and are advising you from experience (myself included), in addition to the decades of experience Dr. Harley has on this topic. Maybe you don't want to remarry, but if you do, don't be surprised if a day comes where you regret ever rushing into it with this girl instead of doing some shopping before you got serious because you let your [censored] do the thinking for you.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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Originally Posted by axslinger85
Originally Posted by DieCastRN
[quote=NewEveryDay] Sorry you're of the opinion that having sex early leads to divorce, but that's just not how the world works anymore. We now realize that sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and the sooner it's done, the better.


Why even post here? To write a nice blog and then lecture the people who understand this program well about how the world actually works?

How people work has not changed. And if you think Dr. Harley or other traditionalists on the subject of premarital sex do not view sex as one of the most important aspects of a relationship, you also have never understood their point of view, only a caricature of it. One of the first questions Dr. Harley mentions he uses as a barometer for health in a marriage is how many times the couple is making love each week, with a higher number being a better answer.

We're not trying to talk you into a sexless marriage, we're saying we want what you want - a marriage that is passionate and with amazing sex. That's the measure of a successful marriage around here.

But rushing into sex during dating will only help handicap your ability to judge the more important relationship qualifiers in a partner that determine how easily you and your partner will meet each other's needs, and how willing she will be to make serious changes for the sake of the relationship (buyer). If you think sex right now is going to predict sex in 5 or 10 years with this woman, you are seeing sex in a very 1 dimensional way, and we're trying to help you see it in a two-dimensional way, there is some depth to it. You won't end up in a sexless marriage because your wife doesn't enjoy sex....you'll end up in a sexless marriage because your wife doesn't enjoy YOU anymore and may not see any problem with giving up on fixing the marriage and/or leaving you. She'll move on to a new guy and make like rabbits with him while you sit around and try to convince yourself she was actually an aspiring nun this whole time and any reasonable woman would throw themselves at your feet for sex.

You've known her for a year but you've only apparently been dating for a month. Not the same. The red flags have to do with how she handles a romantic relationship, not her public personality. Here's the criteria you need to look at: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882#Post2332882

Falling in love is easy, having great sex with a new person is easy (that's exactly what makes affairs so addictive)....but staying in love and having good sex with someone you've been together with for a long time is not nearly as simple. It takes some planning and vetting.

Many of us have been where you are and are advising you from experience (myself included), in addition to the decades of experience Dr. Harley has on this topic. Maybe you don't want to remarry, but if you do, don't be surprised if a day comes where you regret ever rushing into it with this girl instead of doing some shopping before you got serious because you let your [censored] do the thinking for you.


Meh, you're entitled to your opinion, which at the end of the day, that's all this site is really based on. ONE man's opinion and people who agree with him.

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This one man has based his opinion on solid research and counseled countless couples succesfully. Maybe there is something you can learn from him, read some articles, maybe your relationship will benefit from this man's 'opinion'.

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Meh?! Are you a humanoid carbon-based lifeform, or are we looking at something else? confused


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Originally Posted by DieCastRN
[

Meh, you're entitled to your opinion, which at the end of the day, that's all this site is really based on. ONE man's opinion and people who agree with him.


DieCastRN, the purpose of this forum is to discuss Marriage Builders concepts.It is not a platform for your personal philosophies. Nor is it a blogging forum. Did you have a question for the posters about Marriage Builders? If not, I will lock this thread.


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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 12/07/19 11:20 AM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material
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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 12/07/19 11:22 AM. Reason: TOS disrespect of moderator
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We are locking this thread due to disrespect of the host. The purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform to share your personal philosophies. If you have any questions, feel free to email me.


MBDenali@gmail.com

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