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Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 1 |
So,
To make a really long story short, been married 22 years, found out two years ago that for the previous two years my wife says she didn't have the in love feels for me anymore, because of my behaviors surrounding a moment when I found she was texting some random person from the internet. While I feel like I did not intentionally try to hurt her (no physical violence), she felt that some alone time we spent together that same night wasn't a mutual thing and feels, violated. Says the thought of physical contact with me makes her sick (I am not going into great details I know). So to sum it up, my wife had a traumatic experience with her husband and says that is the reason why she lost those "in love feelings".
She's been going to counseling for 1.8 years as have I, on individual basis. We tried couples counseling, still doing it, but it was just so that we could understand each other more, not to try to fix anything. My wife at this point feels that her feelings won't change. It appears to me she is only trying to fix things inside counseling and doesn't want to change anything else.
So, desperate as I am, I am looking for something that can give her hope her feelings could change given the circumstances, do these books add any of that into the equation?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hello want, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like your wife has fallen out of love and probably has an aversion to sex. That can be overcome by following the basic concepts of this program. The objective of this program is to create romantic love by using a step by step plan. Please go read this and I will come back and we can discuss: HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN PLAN TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS AND RESTORE LOVE
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
my wife says she didn't have the in love feels for me anymore
because of my behaviors surrounding a moment when I found she was texting some random person from the internet. Another important thing that causes a spouse to fall out of love, "I love you but am not in love with you" is an affair. If she is having an affair, then her lovebank is closed to you. Is she having an affair? Who was she texting in your comment above? Have either of you had an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
when I found she was texting some random person from the internet. Do you know who this person is?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,171
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,171 |
Two Scenarios;
1) She was having some kind of affair (emotional or physical) ..or almost did. Does she hide her phone? Does she disappear?
2) She was not
But either way, her Emotional Needs are not being met.
Have you Eliminated Love Busters? Start with that.
Have you thought about what she has told you about what Emotional Needs she would like met? Has she said things like "I wish you wouldn't work so late" or "Why do I have to tell you to wash the dishes" or "You never spend time with the kids" or "We never get a chance to just talk" or "You are always out jogging/playing golf/fixing the car, I wish we could do stuff together?" or "We never go out on dates"?
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