After finally overcoming the most tumultuous divorce and watching the impact it had on my now grown children, I am in a relationship and finally engaged.

The person I am involved with is a Christian man. And let me tell you, that is EVERYTHING I've always prayed for in a relationship. He truly loves the Lord and displays that in his daily actions.

I met him in Florida and after much discussion I decided to move up to NY to be with him. He had a business here that he is looking to wind down and sell, then we'll go back to Florida. Meanwhile, I found an amazing job that has not only lifted my spirits, but given me new opportunities that I never imagined could happen to me. (All of the Lord)!

Here's my problem. And I need help desperately because I don't know anybody here and have no one to confide in. My fiance has BAD anger issues. He even displayed them in front of my Mother and Uncle when they were visiting us. He says I don't contribute anything, yet I work an extremely large thrift chain and have furnished our condo. I pay him biweekly an agreed amount, groceries, etc. He hits below the belt. And ouch.

Since I'm new to the area and don't know where to go. I don't have much to get me into an apartment if I leave. AND, the only reason keeping me here is my killer job. (Pay not too high, but rewarding). My kids and granddaughter are home in Florida and I don't have a job or apartment to go home to either. And finally, I need to stay until end of February to collect a bonus that I earned from the previous year.

Can anyone advice? Sorry so long

Welcome to MB.

This statement:

...directly contradicts this one:

That behaviour doesn't sound like something that you have always dreamed of in a relationship. This sounds like someone who engages in bad behaviour even before the honeymoon has begun. If he feels high levels of anger and says vicious, unjustified things to you while he is still supposed to be courting you, what is he going to be like after the marriage? Is saying vile things to you his idea of courting? And why do you put up with it?

Are you living with him already? Are you saying that you are reluctant to leave because of your job, and because you do not have anywhere that you can easily move to? Surely you can see that these are no reasons at all for staying in a relationship with someone that abuses you?

My XH claimed to be Christian. If it was true he would repent of his behavior instead of continuing to indulge. You can tell the tree by its fruits. I’m so sorry you have been suffering, but your suffering is almost over. I think there’s a reason where you came to a site where folks know how to live their values with their loved ones.

Are you living with your fiance? Staying in a home where you are subjected to his angry outbursts will make you miserable and unhealthy. If you like NY and want to stay because of the job, get a small place and live there until you collect your bonus. But unless the bonus is worth staying through the winter in the Northeast and away from your family in FL, I recommend just pulling the plug and going back to where your daughter is. You can find another job and place to live. Doing so may sound hard, but it's much harder to live with an angry man.

Thank you for your reply. I need to do every single thing you said. I'm just do scared because after my divorce, I literally lost everything. My ex is an attorney and fought me like the fire eating dragon that he is. Even with this, I have the Lord. He is my everything. And I do see His blessings in the midst of all of this. My job up here in NY is proof of that. I don't have a job or a place to go back to. I could perhaps stay with my mother in a nearby town and search for a job.
This is so difficult. I feel like a failure. Just because he's a Christian doesn't mean we're right for each other. Is it worth fighting for with the help of counseling?
I went to a new doctor the other day. First visit. The very first thing the nurse asked me was "Have you ever been verbally abused"? My answer is was no because his mother recommended me. But when I told my fiance later that night that was a question, he asked if I think he is verbally abusive. I said yes. Calling me a pig, that I don't contribute anything, that I'm looking for a sugar daddy doesn't help. He didn't see it.
I'm so scared for the future. But all I ever prayed for is to be self sufficient so that nobody can make me feel this way again.

Thank you for your reply. I need to do every single thing you said. I'm just do scared because after my divorce, I literally lost everything. My ex is an attorney and fought me like the fire eating dragon that he is. Even with this, I have the Lord. He is my everything. And I do see His blessings in the midst of all of this. My job up here in NY is proof of that. I don't have a job or a place to go back to. I could perhaps stay with my mother in a nearby town and search for a job.
This is so difficult. I feel like a failure. Just because he's a Christian doesn't mean we're right for each other. Is it worth fighting for with the help of counseling?
I went to a new doctor the other day. First visit. The very first thing the nurse asked me was "Have you ever been verbally abused"? My answer is was no because his mother recommended me. But when I told my fiance later that night that was a question, he asked if I think he is verbally abusive. I said yes. Calling me a pig, that I don't contribute anything, that I'm looking for a sugar daddy doesn't help. He didn't see it.
I'm so scared for the future. But all I ever prayed for is to be self sufficient so that nobody can make me feel this way again.

Thank you too everybody! I need this, and I need you all.
Yes, I live with him.
And I do believe that I'm here for a reason. My job enables me to work with several local ministries that I can give back to them through my job. We don't have this store in Florida or I'd take anything they had!
I'm flying home next week and will be driving my car up. I don't have very much saved. But I need to try to get a place. Ugh

That is so good to hear! Please stick around there’s so much to learn!

Thank you NewEveryDay. I will stick around! I am here to do things the right way. The last time I was in these discussion rooms, I was overcoming the affair from my husband. I've only been married once. And only divorced under biblical reasons. My life though has been an uphill battle though ever since. I pray this is my time that things will turn around!

What was your name when you were here before? What years were you here?

This is terrible abuse!

These insults didn't drop out of the air. He's been telling you what he thinks of you. Why have you even stayed this long?

As difficult as your path appears right now, staying with this man is going to be a living hell for you. You made a mistake in moving away from your home and family to be with this man; the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can move on with your life. Ask for help from your family and friends, if you are having a hard time trying to formulate your next step.

Hi SugarCane. I was under LJK3 if I remember correctly. It was early 2000's. Maybe 03 to 05. I was on for a long time. that's why I'm here again. You all helped me so much. I can't believe that I'm in another toxic relationship.
Soooo..... He came to pick me up from work (his other car stopped working so we have been temporarily using one car until I bring my car up from Florida in a couple of weeks). I swear I think he may have had a couple of beers. I'm not sure, but he was agitated. But it's as if he was ready to pick a fight. It's the subtle little side looks, the shaking of the head when I talk, the uh huh, yeah under his breath.
We go to the grocery store. We chose a handful of items and go to the check out. He steps aside and looks to me to pay. Ok. Not a super problem. But I left my card and my keys to the store at home earlier, so I couldn't pay. AGAIN with the talking under the breath, the anger was rising up. ( Remember, I don't contribute anything). We go to the car and I finally say "do you want me to write a check for the groceries when we get home"? He said yes. $60 worth of getting all worked up and angry.
I asked him on the way home if when I get back from Florida does he want me to move out. He was like do what you want. I don't care anymore. So there it is. But why? And honestly I it almost doesn't bother me. I mean I was hurt so much by my husband. How can you top that???
Anyway, I'm sitting here next to him and it's uncomfortable at best. I feel paralyzed in a way. If I was only send sufficient. That's my whole caveat

If you put a frog in a pan of hot water, he jumps out faster than you can blink.

If you put the frog in cold water and gradually turn up the heat, he sits in the pan until he's cooked.

What is the temperature of the water you're in??

Why did you ask him if he wants you to move out? Why aren't you moving out regardless?

Can you tell us what your plans are?

The reason I haven't moved out by now is strictly finances. But she speaking with my Mom, I thin we're going figure it out. We're trying to do the math to see if starting for the bonus is worth staying based upon the expenses that I would incur to move. I'm going to investigate. Strangely enough, one of the ministries I work with is called Mothers in Need of Others. I'm going to check with the director to see if she knows of a reasonable place. Also, because I love this job so much, I'd hate to leave it right now. They've created a position for me and it looks like that position could branch out to something bigger. I hate to jump ship if there's potential for growth. But they just don't have a store in Florida. Maybe I could ask for a transfer in a different state, closer to Florida. But then how do I approach my boss and district boss???
I HAVE to get out and I know this. How to I begin???

I wasn't really asking why you haven't moved out already. I wanted to know why you asked him if he wants you to move out. You make it sound as if you haven't decided to leave him.

Have you accepted that you need to end this relationship?

Also, in your replies you seem to be confusing leaving this man with leaving your job. Whenever you are asked about leaving him, you answer by talking about why you don't want to leave your job.However, leaving him and leaving your job are two different things. If you don't want to leave your job, you don't have to - staying in your job has nothing to do with staying in an abusive relationship.

W are trying to get you to focus on leaving this abusive relationship. You need to leave immediately.

Ok. Thank you. I'm trying. I don't really know why I asked him other than to see if he really meant it. He's so up and down, that I knew if he said it, that helped me in a strange way to make it easier to walk away

And yes I have accepted that I must leave him.

The reason I'm so conflicted in regard to my job is that it's here in NY. I've never been through a winter, I don't know anyone. I know I need to get back to Florida. But this job has given me a chance to show some of the skills I have. When I was in Florida, the pay was minimal. Rent is high. I was overlooked in interviews I believe because I'm 54. Starting over, and the only thing I did over the previous 2 decades was being a flight attendant until my last child was born. Then I stayed home for 20 years until my divorce.

That's why I'm so grateful for this particular job. I'm me again. My confidence is soaring because they trust and believe in me. Somehow I need to find that back home.

Am I making any sense? This is so difficult to get out. My mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts. And I don't want to make the wrong decision.

But I am leaving him!

See - you're doing it again. You're talking about not wanting to leave your job when I ask you about leaving that man.

You seem to think that leaving him means giving up your job, but I don't understand why. Surely you must be able to find somewhere to live in NY. You could try living there for a few months or a year while you brush up on the skills that the job offers you, and while you look for another job elsewhere.

I understand that you are dubious about living through a winter in NY, and you also state that you know no-one there - but surely you were planning to live through a winter, and you knew nobody but him, when you made the decision to live there. Are you saying that you were willing to put up with those hardships when you thought you had a relationship with him, but you are not willing to put up with them alone? That's very understandable - but if that's the case, the decision is made. If you are not willing to give it a try for - say - a year on your own while you work towards moving back (and just think: you might even find somewhere decent to live, and make new friends, and enjoy being there), then you will have to give up the job and move back home.

That's the only conflict that you should have; whether to go it alone for a while, or whether to give it up. I would have thought it sensible to go it alone for a while; you don't have much to lose by staying in NY for a while, but you might have a lot to lose if you give up that job and go back to Florida. But that dilemma has nothing to do with your relationship with this man.

The way you keep intertwining the job with the relationship makes me think that your (very understandable) reluctance to give up your job means that you would stay with this man, just to keep the job with all its advantages, rather than have to go back to Florida, with all its disadvantages. And that CANNOT be true. You are surely not considering staying with this man in order to keep that job.

What are your feelings on what I've said?

So, absolutely no way am I going to stay with this man. And it would be foolish of me to give up the job even though I'm a little nervous and scared.
I spoke with a co-worker and I am going to look at a place near work. Most of my trepidation is because my credit is poor since the divorce. I'm responsible. But when when the ex stopped paying child support and alimony, I lost the house. Remember I didn't work for 20 years, so he used everything right up to just getting his Bar license suspended. I haven't even tried to apply for a credit card since I haven't earned enough to warrant that. That's my whole " rebuilding" thing. I am truly starting from the bottom at age 54.

But I agree. I'm going to stay in NY. Give it a shot and sharpen my skills for when I do go back home.

Did I do better answering your question? Lol. I'm not so great at this. But you all are exactly what I need to hear and grow from!