I'll think about listening.

I kind of want my boys to see and feel my rage toward their mother. She's done an absolutely sickening thing by cheating on me and on them. This is an important lesson in their life and one they should take with them into adulthood...that cheating on one's family is absolutely wrong and absolutely devastating mentally and emotionally for the person being cheated on.

Did you schedule another appointment for your son? Get your priorities straight.

It is right, that it is important to them to see that cheating hurts other people.
It is not allright to show them that if people treat you badly, you should stoop to their level.
And frankly, as a human you have probably been less than perfect, so it would be nice if they had you as an example of a person who looks at his own faults and betters himself in the process.

You can either show them how their mother is a bad person, who put the family in a devastating crisis, shattering their world,

OR

You could become the hero of the situation, providing them with some normalcy and most importantly: teach them how to behave in times of chaos.
Keep up your morals.
Act like someone you can be proud of. Someone they can be proud of.
If you want to have contempt for her, behave like the hero in the story and be better.
You cannot let your anger get in the way of your integrity.

Be someone your sons look up to.
Tell them, that it hurts you that mommy has another boyfriend and that you will be corteous to her regardless.
And tell them, that you expect them to behave well to their mother.
Because that is what good people do. They do not let the bad behaviour of other people dictate their behaviour. They treat people well, regardless of fact that the other person did something that was not nice.
Remember, this is their mother. They are attached to her and will have a hard time coping, because their parents are distracted by this regretfull situation.

Keep your side of the street squeaky clean.
Only then, can you start to improve the people around you.
You have to show to them how to be a man.
Not any man, but a good one, too.

Because they, too, will have setbacks in life.
They will learn from you, to stand tall in the face of crisis.
Even if you have never wished this for your children, this is the time they learn this important lesson.
Surely, even if your behaviour was not impeccable, you did not deserve to get cheated on.
Yes, it is appalling.
But thinking about it does not help you.

You have to keep trying to dig yourself and your family out of the ditch, you find yourself in.
Deep within you, you have to find your strength back to fight the monsters you are dealing with.
Those from outside and those from within.

Are you doing something nice with the boys today?

The lesson you are sending them is that it is ok for a husband to not care about his wife and to be passive aggressive and vindictive. Your role modeling is setting them up for disaster. Your behavior towards her has been childish and vindictive. This type of behavior almost ensures they will grow up and be uncaring and vindictive towards their wives, leading to marriage failures.

I don't understand why you think being vindictive and passive aggressive towards your wife helps anyone, most of all YOU. All it does is validate your wife's bad feelings about her marriage and teaches your sons to act like bitter little b's when something goes wrong.

Just completely unloaded all of my baggage on her.

This morning I found a text from her friend:
"If you could do presents, that would be great...a couple small ones in Cassie's penguin stocking and if there is a small gift for Ry, you can put that in his green/red striped stocking...they are downstairs around the corner...behind the last door...with treadmills-if you and Lincoln want to run...also-the Alexa is right near you at that big table where you're gonna see if you want music company..."

So I sent the text to the OMs wife and told my wife that I saw it and sent it to the OMs wife. My wife followed me out to the garage while I was leaving with my oldest to go to church to whine about me reading her texts (I told her I did because she's a list and untrustworthy) and to tell me that part about the OM is a joke.

After church, my oldest went to a friend's house and my wife wanted to "talk". She said she didn't want me messing with the OMs marriage. And I just snapped. Not screaming but firmly telling her she already messed with their marriage, that she's a list and an adulterer. I told her that her friend who sent her this text is an enabler and that she should have some courage to either go stay at her friends place or go to the OMs place to declare her love for him. She replied that he has chosen his wife and marriage (until he doesn't I said).

My wife then remarked that she just needed to serve me and remarked that after talking to her dad and how him being served at work was painful for him, she asked if I wanted to be served at work. I told her she didn't care a whit about me or our family, and asked why she cared about how I felt about served.

So, apparently, I'll be served soon.

I just need this cheating woman out of my house...

But why I care about validating her bad feelings about this marriage?

It seems to me that living with this woman and then being nice, fun, etc just demonstrates to my boys that adultery and divorce are easy, normal things, just like any other normal thing that "goes wrong".

Does this mean she is hooking up with the OM at her friends house?

No, you can do both. Being angry, vindictive and passive aggressive is not a mature way to deal with adultery. Your temper is completely out of control. An angry man is a FOOL.

You desperately need to get out of this situation. You have no control over your temper.

Thank you for the helpful and kind words. You've provided some examples and practical descriptions of things and approaches I can do to elevate myself above my rage and bitterness.

It's hard to stomach being nice and courteous when I believe that doing so reveals low self-esteem, reveals to my boys that this is just a small thing, etc.

It sure seems that way, though when confronted about it she tried to say it was a joke her friend was making.

What do you mean by "get out of this situation"?

That is stupid. It was not a joke. They are hooking up at her house.

Did you speak to the OM's wife?

MOVE OUT until this is settled.

I texted the OMs wife the text. She hasn't responded.

In my heated conversation with my after church, she tried telling me that the OM has chosen his marriage and his wife. Why doesn't wife think I'll believe her?

What?

Hell no. That's one bit of advice from my attorney.

It is kind of funny how after I got home from church she came upstairs and in quiet voice asked if we could talk. And started by suggesting that I don't have to mess with their marriage (the OMs) by continually telling the OMW what I read in my wife's texts. I should have just laughed at my wife and said nothing, but my anger got the better of me, again.

Interesting... At church the pastor spoke of communion as an opportunity to speak to Jesus to tell Jesus that you are willing to start anew, to change your behavior, and to fess up to your messes. Apparently, that didn't take hold (I didn't take communion, either),but, that is certainly something I must commit to.

So she definitely is still in the affair with OM if she knows immediately that you contacted OM’s BW. And is hooking up with him at her friend’s house.

What?

Hell no. That's one bit of advice from my attorney.

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You need to get separated from your wife so you don't lose your mind. You are completely losing it. Your attorney can tell you how to move out but be legally protected given that she is still having her affair. Staying there while she is sneaking around having an affair is deeply affecting your emotions. This is a terrible position to be in. Even though it doesn't seem that way, it is easier for her to carry on her affair with you there propping her up. If you moved out, her affair would die much quicker. OF COURSE, you would have to get legal protection first.

Refresh my memory, has the pastor spoken to her about her affair? Have you exposed to him?

I just started attending church. She doesn't go. And, no, I haven't spoken to anyone at church. I've been going for about 5 weeks now and largely just keep to myself.