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Joined: Feb 2010
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ak1 Offline OP
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I don't visit this forum much anymore, but when I do, it's common to see people struggling with exposure, and many times flat refusing to do it.

I was also that guy that didn't do a good exposure of my wife's affair, and even though we ended up divorced, I still regret not exposing like I should have.

So, for my own sake, and for the sake of others, what follows is the exposure letter I would send out if I could go back 8 years, why it matters today, and why anyone else struggling to expose should immediately gather evidence, get their ducks in a row and send something like this:

Quote
To Friends and Family,

I'm writing to you to ask for help as our family is in pretty big trouble.

Last Feb <WW> decided to go on vacation by herself, and while she was there, I discovered a facebook message from <OM> that was very inappropriate. He was super flirty with WW and it was obvious that they had been seeing and have feelings for each other. I confronted <WW> expecting her to block <OM> and agree to work on our marriage, but instead she started down the path of destroying our marriage and family. She demanded that she move out of our home and have her own apartment so that she could "work on herself" and then promised to return to the marriage, but all that resulted from that was OM coming to visit her and them having sex.

After her physical affair, <OM>'s wife found out, and <WW> has moved back home, but now she is messaging men on the craigslist personals every night and seeing people behind my back. She has given up on homeschool, and enrolled the boys in public school, and has left the church. This has had a very negative impact on the boys. They are struggling to understand why their parents no longer get along, why mom has turned away from everything she has taught them, why she is no longer around, and why everything is changing.

I am devastated that <WW> would do these things, and I'm very worried about the boys because they have had the stool kicked out from under them and may have to go through a divorce.

I know that I haven't been the best husband, I acknowledge that and believe me, I'm working hard to turn that around, but it's really hard to be loving and caring and considerate when <WW> is continually ripping my heart out. Nothing I do or change will matter unless <WW> stops pursuing other men at the expense of our family.

Please use any influence you have to encourage her to stop this and return to her marriage and family.

Here is why this should have been sent:

1. It makes it clear what is going on, asks for help, but isn't petty or blaming. I more or less stick to the facts.

2. If sent to everybody (I mean everybody), and especially OM's family (mother, father, wife, friends, neighbors) it would have made the affair very distasteful and ugly, thus suddenly and sharply killing it. Everybody would be on the lookout for this guy and everybody would know what he did. Affairs do not survive the light of day. I should have shined a very bright light on my ex-wife's affair, not the dim light of an incomplete exposure which resulted in them having loose contact behind my back for a while.

3. Even if she would have been extremely angry with me for sending this (and believe me, she would have been), no marriage can survive continual affairs. It's simple math. Exposure kills affairs. Affairs kill marriages. Angry waywards might divorce, but where would they go if the affair is dead? Other men? If that's the case then you have a renter, and it's best to divorce anyway. In a nutshell: Your marriage can survive an angry spouse, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

4. It prevents her from spreading a false narrative about what happened in order to assign the blame on you. Later, after the divorce, she still can't play this "it didn't work out" card while introducing friends and family to yet another new man. Everybody would know that she shredded her family so that she could date around.

5. It protects the kids. Others would be around to remind them what happened and contend against the lies she tells them about how we just didn't work out, or worse, telling them that the divorce is my fault. Note: I did tell my kids, but when they are 10 and 11, they don't remember it that well 8 years later, especially with them living with her and her rewriting the past.

6. It exposes the friends and allies of the marriage. If she would have turned around, she would have left the friends that were enablers. If she didn't turn around, and she didn't, I know who my real friends are, which could help in a divorce situation. This is important. Most people think that exposure airs your dirty laundry, but it's not that. It's asking for help and exposing a lie. If she would have turned around, the friends that did support our marriage would continue to do so and even more, knowing what we went through.

7. It would have brought me some support and encouragement I needed to keep on with my plan A.

8. 8 years later when we are divorced and I am remarried, there would be less misunderstanding about how things went down because some documented facts would have been in the hands of our entire family.

9. If your spouse is really fogged out and pursues divorce, they might try to use the letter against you in court. If they do, then it's good evidence of you being sane and reasonable and not petty, while they try to convince the court of how crazy you are. My fogged out wayward self incriminated herself a number of times.

10. If you do end up divorced and your new spouse asks about your history, then you can give them a copy of the letter. It will show them what you went through, how hard you fought for your marriage and provides details from that time period.

I could go on, but this is long enough. If you are worried about exposure, know that it really is for the best and you need to be focused on the long game. Know that your spouse will be spitting mad, but also know that it's the best hope for killing the affair. Know that your spouse will tell you that the marriage is over, but also know that it's not until the paperwork is finished and that the secret affair drives them to get that done. Know that it will be confusing and difficult, but also know that you will reap lasting rewards for years to come, regardless if you end up divorced or not.

If your spouse is having an affair. Collect evidence, get help with writing an exposure letter, and in one fast and swift motion, expose it far and wide.

Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Thanks for the great post, ak1. I am great fan of exposure because I have observed it is the single most powerful weapon against an affair. While many affairs are stopped dead immediately, the deaths of others are hastened. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is looking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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