This is why you need to expose to your children.

Have you read Exposing to Children ?

One of the first things you need to do is tell the children the truth about why he has moved out. Don't leave them confused like this - and also, open to lies from him.

The next thing you need to do is clarify your legal situation. He will have rights to see the kids, so organise a schedule that recognises his legal rights and specifies pick-up and drop-off points. Also, what arrangements have you made for him to support the kids financially?

Where do you stand legally on your home? Do you own it together, or are you both named on the rental documents? Will you need to have ownership or rental transferred to you?

I worry that if he can treat you the way he has done, and if he can say the things he has said to the kids, he could become vindictive and withdraw financial support, and maybe even make you have to give up your home. You need to sort this out with a lawyer.

thanks SugarCane and Brain Hurts

I told the children this morning before school that Daddy has been inappropriate with another woman and mummy is upset and he has moved out of the house. I imagine whats happened is that when he had his visit after school this is what the children repeated and he retaliated.

Thank you I will read the exposure to children thread.

He will become very indictive and as shown earlier in the thread when I tried to separate from him previously he threatened me with reporting me as an unfit mother, selling out home and claiming custody of the children.

I haven't made any arrangements yet with money for the children. He continues to pay my a monthly sum and I also work and get paid.

Is your name on the title and/or mortgage of your home? Do you have an attorney yet or leads to a good one who will help you sort out the child support and protect you in case he does file against you? Have you seen a doctor yet to obtain antidepressant/antianxiety medication to see you through this traumatic time?

That will just confuse them even more. What does that even mean? As an adult I would have no earthly idea what it means to be "inappropriate with xx" so I am certain they don't. Please don't use vague, weird language with your kids, it just adds to the confusion. Tell them he had an affair and that affairs are wrong. Tell them WHO it is with and that it was very hurtful. Kids understand the truth. They don't understand meaningless doublespeak.


As long as your children are not told the truth, he is free to lie to them. Please tell them the truth.

You need to consult with an attorney and get legal protection as soon as possible. He is a very vindictive person. Did you see my post about changing your locks so he can't get in? What about my post about sending over a strict visitation schedule?

I have exposed now to the children which was horrendous. Daddy has had an affair, which is very wrong and mummy is very upset and angry about it and doesn't want Daddy to live in the house with us anymore. Lots of questions like - whats an affair Mummy? My daughter was brilliant - why did Daddy do that Mummy? Can you get him arrested? Very understanding and quiet. My son got very angry with me, so I had to stand up him a bit which was horrible.

They also came out with more comments that he had made to them when he took them out after school, mainly to get back to me I am sure to get me to buckle. Why am i not allowed in the house - I am the one that pays for it? Mummy has been meeting up with lots of men. They came back in a right state and I am just going to have to be there to pick up the pieces.

i am frightened to change the locks that he will go mental - i want to wait a little while before I do that.

I had a text from his best friend this morning asking to come round to the house today to discuss the extension project we have going on. I responded that I don't want any involvement in the building project but more than happy to provide access to the house to get it finished. Was this the right thing to do in Plan B? If this all breaks up it will make the house value higher which means I would get more money on the sale.

Now he has texted the IM and his sister, business partner and my mother all the same message. "Morning - I hope you are all good? Can you ask Reasons if Im meeting DS at training or I can wait at the end of the drive at 530pm? Alternatively I can get a friend to pick him up. I have cc'd my sister so if easier Reasons can talk to her. Thank you and sorry to all of you for the inconvenience. I can drop him at the end of the drive after aswell. Going forward Id love to get a plan of when I can see the children please. Thank you all'.

My sister has responded direct to him no one else - that our son wont be going to training tonight - that he came home very upset and angry last night and took Reasons 1 hour to calm him down. I will send you over a visit schedule as soon I get it from Reasons.

It seems to me that he is getting mad and using all angles to get to me or get me to speak to his people? What do you think?

I am now trying to work out a reasonable visit schedule.

what is a reasonable visitation schedule look like???

also I am not sure what I would go to a lawyer for? I am not married and in the UK do not have any rights I dont think

ok so its getting worse. My sister the IM is getting a barage of texts from him now - making demands and bad mouthing me. He is now trying to set the schedule of who talks to who - refusing to deal with my sister as an IM. i have now had a text from his sister offering to help.

Whats going on???

Reasons,

I'm concerned that you've been bounced into a kind of Plan B because he had already moved out by the time you came back here, and you are attempting Plan B after the separation. However, because you didn't plan and set up Plan B from the start, it's not being implemented properly.

The key thing is that you are not supposed to see complete message from him, and you are not supposed to see the replies sent by your sister or anyone else. Plan B is not just not speaking to him; it is not hearing ANYTHING from him except when a vital fact about the children or money needs to be exchanged. Any comments, complaints, sneers, criticisms, whines and lies are that are not vital facts should never reach you. The point is for your IM to protect you from all that. They are supposed to enable you to deal with legal obligations only.

Please urgently read this thread: How to Plan B CORRECTLY

It is not true that not being married gives you no rights. Everyone in civilised countries, including the UK, has legal rights. You have rights as a parent, rights as someone who cohabited for many years, and rights as a homeowner. The problem is that, just as you have rights, so does he.

You need to find out your rights as an unmarried parent who was a cohabitee, and who has joint ownership of a house, immediately. I can't believe that you haven't even looked into this yet.

Your children have rights to see their father, and not to be turfed out of their home. Technically, if you are joint owners of the home, he could put it up for sale whenever he likes. That is why you need to seek legal protection so that a judge decides that this cannot happen. A judge will require your boyfriend to continue paying a proportion of the mortgage, and he or she will not allow the house to be put up for sale unless it is decided that between you, it cannot be paid for any longer. A judge will also enforce a court order for child support.

In many cases with separated parents, the non-resident parent has the children to stay one night every week, and every other weekend. (I'm not sure when the "weekend" starts and ends; Friday night after school? Saturday? Ending on Sunday night, or with the kids being dropped at school on Monday mornings? But what about the school holidays?) However, some parents have a more generous (to the non-resident parent) arrangement than this; for example, where the non-resident parent collects the children from school every day but does not keep them overnight. This would obviously depend on that parent's working patterns.

Contact Citizens Advice for free advice, but you will still need a lawyer to work on your behalf. Get moving on this.

Hi - thank you LongWayFromHome

Yes my name is on the title and the property is jointly owned 50/50. We have a joint account with a few thousand in it, fortunately to withdraw any money from it there needs to be joint signatures. So neither of us will be able to touch this without the others permission.

He currently pays me £800 per month 'housekeeping' which he actually does through his company. So it acts as a salary. He has always done that and says that its his way of bringing extra money into the family. I have checked the UK government website maintenance calculation and it says £800 per month for 2 children. So I guess if I was to ask for child support he would say that was it? He is extremely wealthy and has a £20 million company jointly owned with his business partner. He currently pays all the bills for the house. I also get an income from my job. So I should be ok on that front.

I keep thinking wait awhile before anti depressants? Last night I had a good nights sleep and I have been able to focus on work today and I seem to be feeling a bit better?

Thank you everyone for responding to me.

REasonswhy, are you acting on the advice given by Sugarcane? Have you contacted an attorney? Have you explained to your sister that you should not be informed of his nasty texts? As far as an intermediary, your sister is it. If he wants to communicate with you it will have to be through her or not at all. Have her stand firmly with your husband. If someone else tries to get a message to you on his behalf, you must stop them and tell them no. Tell them that direct communication is so painful that you have shut that down for now. If he wants to get a message to you it must be through your sister.

Your sister needs to be a spam filter and only pass on messages that are critical about visitation and finances. Nothing more.

Your bf will try to get around this because he will not like losing control of you. I would encourage you to change the locks so he doesn't barge in on you when he sees that you are serious about this.

I have read that people are misinformed about this. I have read the a joint account gives both parties equal rights to withdraw all the money on their own- so he could do this to you.

You should read the terms and conditions of this account again, today; don't assume that your understanding is correct.

...and she MUST NOT pass on the whole message. You are not supposed to actually hear his (written) voice. She is supposed to interpret the message so that only a question is asked, e.g. "Boyfriend would like to collect the kids from school and take them to karate on Wednesday".

If he doesn't actually ask for the exercise of his legal rights, she should not tell you that he even contacted her. You should not know that he has been bombarding her with messages saying that you've been seeing other men and you are an evil witch trying to stop him from seeing his kids.

She is NOT supposed to let you hear his bile and viciousness. The messages you posted here should never have reached you intact.

Exactly! The messages you get from her should be in HER WORDS, not his.

Thank you Sugar Cane - I have read this before I will read it again. I will tell my sister. If I am honest I am getting pleasure/relief from hearing that it is having some effect on him. I also have checked when he was last online on whatsapp its makes me feel closer to him . Its helping me cope. But I will stop doing that and get my sister to put the spam filter on.

I will do this Friday - I am just about to do school run, and I am at work tomorrow. I have got this - feeling strong. I will also change the locks.