Please give me a hand real quick and I’ll post more to follow up as time allows. Me: 46, Husband: 54. We have been married for 4 years, 2nd marriage for me, 3rd for him. We each have grown children from previous marriages and they are out of the house. Have 2 grandchildren on my side and are pretty involved with the 1 year old granddaughter as we have her 3 nights out of the week typically.

I have read and currently have all of the Marriage Builders books. My husband started to read one then lost interest and I’ve brought it up to him a couple of times as a reminder but don’t want to nag him about it and make it seem like a ‘have to’ for him and turn it into a negative.

He is very busy and involved in several community projects on top of work and caring for his widowed mother. I started a business a few years ago that took up a ton of my time and I didn’t see it as a problem as he was always gone anyway. Last summer we had a pretty big scare, as in almost died. I revisited my priorities and I came to resent the business and the time it took from him and our family in general. I have scaled things way back and have scaled back our income in the process. I am not sure how much this is a factor in where we are now as he doesn’t really talk to me. Money does seem to be an issue in little things I want to do. We are not hurting, we have made a couple of purchases that have left us a bit tight but we are comfortable by any standard. I have started another business that will have better hours for me and have been slow marketing so haven’t made up the income.

Instead of really forcing us to work on our relationship, I decided to not make waves and coast right to where we are now. So many times, I’ve asked him if we are ok, if he was happy with me, if I need to do anything better/different. Always, it is ‘we are good, I’m happy’ and I think he was coasting too. We get along well enough to not fight and that allowed us to smooth things. Neither of us are hurtful or angry toward the other, just sort of here doing our things.

I have been a bit paranoid and worried about the coronavirus and wanted to do a little prepping as far as face masks and such. I felt shut down by him when I brought it up, then tried to share my worry with him again the next day. That ended quickly with him telling me it was bunk, like every other scare. I’m at the end of what I can tolerate with not feeling like we can communicate unless it is about a schedule, or work issue. I admit I am more emotional and I think I make him a bit crazy with it as he is very logical. I try to not get too far in the weeds with it but the more he tries to talk me out of my feelings the more I feel the need to explain them and round and round we go.

Things came to a head today when he told me he is going to do a lunch thing with his work group for a female team member’s birthday. She has called him to ‘vent’ about work and I have had a vague sense of unease about her. I don’t believe there is anything like an affair (yet) but am not happy about her using my husband as a sounding board!

So, this is the text thread, please have a look and let me know what I can do to improve this to get his buy in on Marriage Builders. I try to not use Love Busters but can see some snark and DJs in even my first text. Feel free to point out what I need to eliminate or what I can do better here. I feel like I have a shot at getting him on board and don’t want to blow it!




Me: I have to tell you that I really don't like the Jennifer deal. She calls to talk to you and you listen to her. I am your freaking wife and I usually get shut down and set straight. I come to you worried and scared and up getting a stern talking down to. I guess you sorted me out with all this. But guess what? I'm still upset and worried but know that I'm on my own. I don't want to go to a dinner with you tonight.

Him: What are you talking about, she forgot her badge and couldn't get in the main office and wondered if I was there already.

I'm sorry that you feel like I talk down to you. Never an intentional thing, but seems to be received that way when I don't agree with you on things. Probably a fault of mine that can be worked and maybe fixed.

I understand you're worried about what's happening. You're not on your own. For me, this is a problem in China, 5 people in the entire US have been identified, no doubt there could be more. They've been contacted and investigated on others they had been around.

But even closer to home a kid in (a local school) just died this week and will probably be linked to the flu that is here. But, we aren't worrying about local. (1 year old granddaughter’s mother) was diagnosed with this flu, (1 year old granddaughter) full exposure and then we were full exposure. We just found out that her mom is super sick but not limiting her exposure to (1 year old granddaughter) and the other kids. So what do we do there?

I don't know what else to do or say because I feel it's going to be turned against me. Saying nothing at all isn't healthy either. Guess I'm going to call the help line so I can schedule some time to get help.

Him: I do love you very much, but I need help to sort this out. Nothing I do, change our say doesn't make a difference.

Him: They ordered lunch so I'm staying here.

Me: Maybe hearing me before you decided you don't agree with me would be good. Maybe we could have talked through things and come up with something. I wasn't telling you what to do, I was trying to talk things through to get a better grasp on things. I have asked you to read books with me on relationships. I feel like you hear and support other people but it's like I'm stupid or something and can't even be heard.

Me: I don't know why you have to agree to my feelings anyway.

Me: Hearing me and understanding would have worked just fine.

Me: How much are tickets to (local sporting event)?

Him: I think $13 on the (sporting event) tickets.

Me: And you didn't even bat an eye at buying them. I end up feeling like I'm driving us to financial ruin because I wanted to get some masks. Am I truly this bad of a person?

Him: Nothing is bought. I'm totally wrong saying that especially after Saturday, but did say we'd pull out of (a savings account) as well if needed. You sounded like you wanted to buy enough for a month survival. Go to (savings acct info) you'll be able to see what's there buy what you feel we need.

Me: I want us to talk. I don't need to talk to another person. Marriage counseling as a nail in the coffin of every single person I have ever known who went to couples therapy. I don't know one person who came out of it with a healthy happy marriage. Everyone goes into it to prove to the therapist that he / she is right.

Me: And I didn't bring up the tickets to get my way. I just want you to consider how it might make me feel.

Me: I am hurt. I've been hurt feeling for quite a long time. If I bring it up, you point out why I'm wrong to feel that way. If I don't bring it up, well same result only hurts less. I cry and lie and say I'm tired. I just don't want to tell you because I don't want to hurt you and don't want to argue about it. I'm empty. I don't know how to get us back to where I feel loved.

Me: Will you please help me? I want us to have a healthy loving marriage. I feel like I'm out here on my own and don't know how to make it better.

Me: I don't know about Jennifer forgetting her badge. I was taking about her calling you on the phone to vent about work and you listen to her and don't tell her she is wrong and why. I want you to listen to me too. I'm ashamed to ask my husband to listen to me the way he listens to a woman he works with.

Him: I'm lost and floundering as well. Trying to find a better way to understand what I need to do. The counseling thought was for me to find myself again. I don't think I'm the man or person I want to be. I have to fix that sooner than later before we can truly find the fix for us.

Me: Ok

Me: I'm scared and feel like this is the beginning of the end.

Him: I'm going to do everything I can to prevent that. So let's plan on starting the books tonight.

Me: Ok





That was 3 hours ago. My first instinct was to print out all the questionnaires but don’t want to overload him. Now that he has agreed to start, I don’t know where to begin. I want it to be a positive for him too. Any pointers?

This turned out to be not ‘real quick’ but if you made it this far, thank you and truly any input is appreciated!

Welcome to MB.

You've only been married for four years and you've both been married before - so you should both be treading carefully to get this one right. How did it go so wrong so quickly?

How does he come to have been married twice before? What happened to bring about the end of his other marriages? What brought about the end of yours?

MM, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am also curious about how this got so bad so quickly. Even so, we can help you. One thing that stands out is that you all are not following the rules of good conversation. Your husband didn't want to discuss the coronavirus virus and expressed that, but you persisted. When he doesn't want to talk about something like that, the subject should be dropped. And vice versa. If he brings up a subject you don't like, you can politely request that it be dropped. The mention of the tickets was disrespectful.

I am just telling you this because I know my husband would avoid me if we had conversations like the one above. I would focus very hard on these areas: eliminating lovebusters, implementing the POJA and most importantly, following the policy of undivided attention!

I would check out this article, especially the part about the Enemies of Good Conversation: Conversation

Thank you for the reply SugarCane! I fully agree that we should tread carefully here. I believe things have gotten to the point they are at because I haven't been radically honest and don't believe he has either. We have let things slide because we were busy and it was easier than putting the brakes on life and dealing with the little things that crept up. I believe independent behavior is another problem for us both. I read Marriage Builders books because I didn't want to have another failed marriage before even getting into a relationship with my husband but have not implemented the techniques. It seemed we did plenty to keep the love banks full but somebody always needs something, one of the kids, a client, his mom, another obligation and next thing we know, here we are. We sure haven't been spending 15 hours a week meeting each other's needs and have put other people before each other.

His first wife cheated on him and wanted to move their children to another state, he was able to keep custody of his children and ex wife moved and married the man she was cheating with. His second marriage was his/hers blended family and there were a lot of contributing factors including different cultures, but fairly typical pressures of a blended family did that in.

I married way too young and had my first child when I was 20. I grew up in a very abusive family and had no business getting married or having children until I did some work on myself and grew up quite a bit but didn't know that at the time. We were separated 4 years later after I took up with another man and moved him in. That, of course, didn't work out well. I got engaged after that to a man who turned out to be quite abusive.

Met my husband at work many years before we started dating. He is solid, steady and not one to lose his temper, I think that is what drew me to him the most. He is very easy going. I love him, just feel we need to do something or we will end up divorced and I don't want that!

Would your husband be more willing to participate in the program if he could watch a video? If so, they have the DVD on Dr Harley's Basic Concepts 50% off right now.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/pr...VVMef6_UEc8g-7FeoD576JwoN73Yyy7uTCHfBAZk


Can you explain what he meant by this comment? What does he think needs to be fixed within himself?

Melody Land, thank you... I will read that article now and print it out. I thought I was being thoughtful on how we spent money, I didn't want to just buy a bunch of stuff without his agreement and I wanted to talk to him about what we should/shouldn't worry about. I can see that I kept pushing when he wanted to not talk about it now that it is pointed out. And I can see that the thing with the tickets was just to trap him basically... ugh. It was a jerk move on my part.

I did cringe a little after I posted the text thread, I have some work to do!

I will start with the the policy of undivided attention with him and work on myself with the lovebusters. I actually didn't see the ones you pointed out, though I did see a couple of other ones. The POJA seems to be more complicated in my head than it probably truly is. I'm grateful he is willing to work on this with me.

Thank you for the jumping off point.

Melody Lane, I don't know what he meant by that statement. He came home for a bit and we talked for a minute. He was loving and gave me a hug and helped me with a printer issue then left for a dinner for a committee he is involved with. I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it.

To answer this question, I would start in 2 places: the book Lovebusters. I would start by eliminating lovebusters. You can each read 2-3 chapters each week, do the questions and then set up a time for discussion.. I would print up the lovebusters questionnaires and use them: here

Additionally, I would start planning your UA time every week. Dr Harley recommends 4 - 4 hour dates out of the home. You should sit down on Sunday afternoon and plan out your week using this worksheet: UA Worksheet The dates should be focused on meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs, affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

This might also be a good start: Marital Problem Analysis

I've ordered the video. We probably won't sit and watch it but we are in the car a lot together so would be a good download to listen to and discuss while we are on the road. I have the conversation piece printed and am seeing several things I need to apologize for but also several things that should be relatively easy to implement.

I have the Marital Problem Analysis, the UA Worksheet and the Lovebuster questionnaires printed off. I think I should start by apologizing for not being conversation friendly and break out the Lovebusters book. Thank you so much for your time and the helpful links! I will find out what he means by his statement earlier today too.

You are very welcome! I look forward to hearing what he meant by that. Counseling can be so destructive to marriage so his comment concerns me.