Hello friends,

I am glad to have stumbled upon this site. I'm writing because I am tired of playing the same stories over and over again in my head.
So here's my situation. After months and months of consideration. I have decided to move forward with the divorce, but I need some encouraging words.

Our Story
We have been married for almost 22 years. We met in college, I was 18 and he 19.
I had a child at age 21 and we were married when I was 22. We were both to young and didn't know ourselves enough to settle down into a marriage.
He joined the Army Reserves before I had our first son and he is still currently enlisted. Since being in the service he's been deployed twice. During the first deployment, I had an affair. It was a sorry excuse to deal with the lonliness and abandoment issues that I had experienced when he left. That affair lasted about 2 years and I worked hard to break free from it, because I know that it wasnt right. During that time I had suspicions but never confirmed anything was going on with my husband... but he has always been so hard to read.

Fast forward to 2018.. My husband was deployed a second time. About a month before he left I found a text message on his phone to a 'friend' but the message was very suggestive. I questioned him about it and told him to be mindful of his friendships because our marriage will already be strained with the upcoming deployment. I thought that was the end of it. He came home in February 2018 after 11 months of being away. Things seemed weird. I felt that we had totally lost connection but I thought it was because of the deployment. A few months later he accidently sent me another 'suggestive' text, but it was meant for someone else. This time I threw a fit and told him two could play that game. I warned him that I could also have 'friends' and he probably wouldnt like it. I allowed an old friend to take me on a lunch date, which turned into a monthly event.

Febuary 2019 I used his truck on Valentine's Day to grab something from the grocery store for dinner, I found a reciept for two bottles of wine, but he only brought one home. I didn't accuse him of anything but I asked him, "If you are happy in this marriage, why do you seek fulfillment in other places?" He didn't answer my question. He dismissed me.. Still I didnt let him know I knew about the wine, I just continued to ask, waiting for him to come clean and tell me what he was missing. I asked every other day and then I got silent. So during my next monthly lunch date, I allowed things to escalate with my friend. I wanted to feel seen, I wanted to be kissed, I wanted a companion. I had missed all these things since post deployment.

Summer 2019
I'm still asking my husband to talk, because I feel a huge block in the marriage and I just cant figure it out. I asked him to show me his phone, he flat out refused. I told him if he would not let me see it then I we are done, because he has been avoiding talking about the status of the relationship for months.

I did the unthinkable, i placed a GPS tracker in his truck and thats when I noticed that he had been visiting the same place about twice a week. I asked him about it and he didnt come clean.. until I told him that neither of us are innocent. The more information I disclosed, the more he shared with me. I told him that if we are to work on our marriage then we need to go NO CONTACT with all outside indiviuals.
He told me no. He does not wish to end communication with the OW. He would stop sleeping with her, but she is a valuable friend and wants to remain in contact with her. I told him no deal.
I continued my relationship with my friend (which has developed into a lover) and my husband continues to talk to this OW everyday. I removed the tracker after a month, he says that he does not go to visit, but I don't 100% believe that. Through all my investigations, I found out that he has been seeing this woman since December 2014.

When I told him I'm ready for divorce, he acts devistated. He says that he wants to stay married to me, yet when I ask if he's ready to stop talking to his 'friend' he hesitates. I told him that there is not space in his life for two women and I dont compete. Also, at this point I am not ready to let go of my 'friend'.

As we approach Valentine's Day 2020, I know for certain that I don't want to spend another year in bitterness, anger and resentment. I love him and I know he loves me, but it's best for us to be apart.
I dont blame anyone. My husband did what he needed to do in order to serve himself..he had needs that I did not meet. I did the same. Now I have made this decision but I am a little afraid to move forward. I don't know how to navigate my way through this next step.

I worry about hurting his feelings (though he never thought about me in his transgressions)
I dont know how to live alone
We build a life together with the kids (what will they think)
Am I just walking away (I feel exhausted from trying)
Where will I live (I dont make enough $$ to afford an apartment and pay my mortgage since I don't want to uproot my chidren)
Should I just close my mouth and close my eyes and hope it all goes away (hubby says he is not ready for counseling, and he is not ready to let her go)

Please share your thoughts and advice

Hi JMT, welcome to Marriage Builders. It's a little hard to bust up a spouse's affair when you are having one yourself. It seems like you both feel entitled to have affairs, which disqualifies you as marriage material. The fact that you are having an affair tells me you are not serious about your own marriage. And no, I wouldn't close your eyes and just continue because there will be serious emotional and physical harm from living in such a destructive, toxic environment.

How many affairs has your husband had? Would you consider him to be a serial cheater?

Hi Melody,

~It's a little hard to bust up a spouse's affair when you are having one yourself. ~I totally agree. I didnt think about it from that perspective going in. I made this whole fiasco worst that when it started. I have caught him more than twice so yes that would make him a serial cheater. He may be remorseful and stop this time around, but I'm not sure how much I trust that to happen.

The problem is that he has told you he won't stop. Typically exposure can help bust up an affair but it is pretty hard to expose when you are having an affair. Since he has had other affairs, I think you are wise to leave the marriage. I would strongly suggest you get good legal counsel and get a custody and financial agreement in place. You want to make sure you are protected. I would also stop your own affair and ask him to move out. Living with a cheating husband can cause enormous emotional and physical damage so Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist recommends you separate at 3 weeks.

I asked him to move, he said he would but he's hesitating on that too. He has a 2 week training coming up next month. Im thinking about getting the paperwork drawn up while he's gone and will have it for when he gets back.