I met my wife 18 years ago after a brutal break-up with my high school girlfriend and fell in love with her. Things proceeded well until I found out she had been cheating on me. I had a revenge affair with one of her friends before breaking things off with her. We got together again after a year, she fell pregnant, we got married and started life together. During our breakup she had slept with one of my friends, but we both agreed it sucked but seeing as we were not together at the time, she had not really crossed any lines.

My parents had passed away by the time we got married and I was the primary care giver for my 5 siblings. They lived with us which caused a lot of tension with my wife because she wanted us to live on our own. She often got into fights with them & I always sided with them which she didn't like. Still, we carried on but neither of us was really happy

I was very resentful that my wife had cheated on me earlier and unfortunately this led to emotional abuse and neglect. I didn't care for her I didn't care who knew it. Through all the drama we had a second child.

My wife then had an affair during this period. When I found out I was angry and became even more abusive. She urged us to go for counselling but I refused. I totally switched off and had 2 very public affairs. I ended both affairs after many fights with my wife but decided to be more discreet and started another affair which went on for 5 years with my high school girlfriend. We were in fact planning to elope in December and relocate halfway across the world. My wife never found out about this affair until I told her last October.

I finally agreed to go for therapy early last year and I began to warm up to her. We started to finally feel like a family. She then went on a "work trip" in July for a week. On her return, my phone died and she gave me her back-up phone to use. That's when I found out there was no work trip, she had gone to see an AP, having had a long distance relationship with him for 2 months.I decided to move out. I lived in another country for 2 months, but on reflection, I realised my own contribution to the situation, and told her I wanted to work things out again. She was reluctant to take me back because of all the previous issues and how abusive I had been, I went for counselling and started to deal with my issues. We decided to give our marriage another go.

I asked her to stop talking to the AP but she would keep emailing him behind my back. I installed spyware on her phone and discovered she was flirting inappropriately with a former boyfriend, one of my employees, another guy I found about and her boss. I told her parents, they called us for a meeting and she said she would work on the marriage and stop inappropriate contact. She was always outgoing and bubbly. I am not sure she is no longer flirting with people from work, clients etc I stopped actively following up after her.

She was reluctant to go into MC but we went because I insisted. Our MC thought my wife's position of not rushing to commit was wise because of our history

For my part, I ended my affair, & became an involved husband and father. I decided to love my wife and give her another chance. For the first time in 18 years, we are planning together, we eat as a family and there is a sense of unity and purpose.

We recently found out she is 6 weeks pregnant and were both happy at the news. Our 2 kids are also over-joyed. At the same time, we found out her mother has cancer. Our focus has therefore shifted to giving my MIL the support she needs. However, we have not implemented a plan to rebuild intimacy and to address what I believe to be my wife's destructive behaviours. During this time, I have continuously worked on myself to be a safe partner. My wife, our friends and close relatives are surprised by the progress I have made.

Should I leave her alone until after my MIL is feeling better? Should I work on the plan I have seen here right away? We are also going to be apart for 2 weeks as she goes to be with her mom which made me realise how insecure I still am and how much work we still have to do.

Hi masterKG,welcome to Marriage Builders. If you are serious about saving your marriage, then your actions need to back up your talk. I don't see that you are serious though when you say "We are also going to be apart for 2 weeks as she goes to be with her mom which made me realise how insecure I still am and how much work we still have to do." SAY WHAT? Why in the world would you be apart when you both know that being apart has led to multiple affairs? You act like the issue here is that you are "insecure" completely overlooking the real issue, which is being apart overnight. You got hit by a car multiple times by playing chicken and what do you do? You keep playing chicken but complain that you feel insecure playing chicken! The solution is to get your [censored] out of the road!

If you are serious about saving your marriage, then start TODAY by affair proofing your marriage. Don't ever be apart overnight again. Create complete transparency in your lives so that cheating is not possible. Change your phone #s, email addresses, every method of contact so that former cheating partners cannot find either of you. Stop wasting your time going to "marriage counseling" and follow the MB plan. Start HERE:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you the informative response. I am willing to immediately implement the plan, The problem is that we both have commitments in different countries next week. Whilst she is with her mother, I have business trips that I cannot avoid taking. So we have to take time apart unfortunately. At best, I can reduce the time apart to a week.

You and your wife are going to have to stop doing this. Can she go with you on these trips? Do you have a traveling job? If so, that is going to have to change if want to save your marriage. You should never be apart overnight. You already know how destructive that is to marriage.

You and your wife have a habit of putting everything else before your marriage. That has to change. In a successful marriage, the marriage comes first. For example, your jobs should complement your marriage, not harm it. Family plans, like helping her mother out, should not be done in a way that puts your marriage last. If she goes to visit her mother, it should be done together or not at all.

It is critically important that you change these bad marriage habits if you want your marriage to change. You have to change the entire environment by eliminating destructive marriage practices.

Its not going to be easy but I see your point. Due to our current financial status we cannot travel together unfortunately, especially on this trip.

Gotcha. Can you get out of it? Do you have a job that requires travel?

We are immigrants and I cannot just change jobs because of restrictions on my visa. I realise the need to change jobs so I am going to have to risk us being apart for 2/3 months whilst I search for permanent employment that will keep me home in another country. Its a question of sacrificing now for stability in future

Just know that this is the reason your marriage is failing. You can't fix a marriage if you are not there. You can't fix a marriage if you won't remove the conditions that made the affairs possible. There is nothing we can tell you to do that will overcome the crippling conditions in your lifestyle.

How long would it take for you to find another job?

It might take as much as 3 months if not more...

So, my wife has left the country to be with her sick mom. I will join her on Wednesday. Before she went, I overhead her talking to one of her friends, someone who actively encouraged and supported the affair. In fact, when my wife went on holiday with her affair partner, this friend took my kids in, and in the texts that I discovered, she actively encouraged and helped my wife to rationalize the affair. This friend is also conducting multiple affairs behind her husband's back (I told him).

In the conversation I overhead, my wife explained about the situation with her mother's illness and the friend offered to follow my wife so she could offer support and comfort. The problem is this is someone toxic and would jeorpadise our chances of recovery. I sent her the following message without telling my wife because I know she will brush this off saying her mother's health is the most important thing right now. I also plan to be patient with WW as I implement plan A


Did I handle that well? Are there any MB guidelines on handling enablers of affairs?

I would start by educating yourself about this program of recovery and then selling it to your wife. You can download the book Surviving an Affair on kindle. You and your wife need to understand why your marriage has gone off tracks so badly and be willing to make those changes. In the meantime, I hope you are putting all of your efforts towards finding a non traveling job because recovery will be impossible otherwise.

I bought the book and finished it last week. It was an interesting read, I agree with most of the principles. We traveled to take care of my sick MIL. Before traveling, my wife called a toxic friend who not only knew of the affairs, but supported and helped her to hide them. We had agreed that no contact would extend to this particular person as well. When I found out, I called this person and we had a big fight.I then told WW that she needed to make a choice between continuing the relationship and building without such toxic people in our lives or separating until she could determine what to do. She responded with unbelievable venom, saying she needed this person to know of the illness and that if I had the guts to leave her at such a time during her life, I could do what I pleased. I ended up thinking that maybe with her pregnancy and MIL's illness, I had acted unwisely. I apologised and asked that we forget it. I am confused if this is the correct application of the model & what options I have next

What a clever tactic to get you to back off when suggestions are made to save your marriage! And it worked! I would not suggest EVER capitulating to bully tactics from her. That will only embolden her. She successfully bullied you into silence to get her way.

There has been so much adultery in your marriage that your chances are slim to none here. I would lay out the plan to her and tell her this is what it will take to save your marriage. If she doesn't, then there isn't anything you can do. These steps are the necessary steps to save your marriage. If she won't do them, this is hopeless. Did you go over the checklist with her? Does she want to be married?